I was raped.

[Longjohnsilver]

A couple of weeks ago, I was raped by a man I barely know. I had met him twice and didn't even know his name when it happened. It was very sudden and needless to say I was not prepared to stop him. After it was all over, I lay there and cried for a long time, unsure what had just happened or what I was supposed to do.

I am still freaking out about some things and I feel really bad. Things that I would have thought were silly and minor before now scare me (such as when I see a car that looks like his) and send me into a panic attack like I had never experienced before. He said some really awful and perverse things while it was happening, and those words are still running through my head.

I have seen a social worker and a nurse at the health department; I have been tested for various STDs (results pending, pray for me) and had a physical exam; I spoken with friends of mine; I have an appointment to see a counselor (recommended by the nurse) but that isn't until later next month. One thing I have not done, at least yet, is call the cops, because I live in a super small town and the "good old boy network" of cops (we only have like 4 actual police officers, no murders, no real crime ever) may or may not take the case seriously.

I was in pain for a week after it happened and the pain eventually subsided, but the exam I had to undergo by the nurse hurt me more. Now it's been a couple weeks and that pain is also mostly gone, but the giant sore in my emotions is still throbbing and I hate it. I can't seem to "get over it."

In the meantime, I am finding that simple things in my life are huge obstacles. I am waking up breathing heavily. I am trying so hard to get through this, but I am basically alone, as I live in a very conservative part of the world where I don't know many people very well to tell them that not only am I gay, but I'm a guy, and I was raped.

What should I do?

Has anybody here gotten through something like this and lived an ok life? What if he gave me HIV? What if he comes back?

 

[gayboy291]

i dont know you, but i would like to say, i am deeply sorry for you. that man had no right to do such a thing. just stay strong, you can pull through it. i hope the best for you .

 

[KaraBulut]

It's a bit of a dilemma.

Normally, after an incident like this, we recommend that you go to the emergency room for treatment. There are specially trained nurses in emergency rooms who know how to collect evidence for prosecution of sexual assault.

Emergency rooms take this very seriously. The police take this very seriously. It is a crime.

Unfortunately, without physical evidence it is difficult to prosecute the crime. And since so much time has passed, it is going to be difficult to prosecute this guy for sexual assault.

For now, take care of yourself. The symptoms you describe are very typical of post-traumatic stress disorder. Talk with the counselor about whether to go to the police and do what is best for you.

But keep something in mind: if this guy did this to you, he'll probably do it to someone else. And no one else should have to go through what you are going through.

 

[altlover85]

I'm sorry to hear this happened to you. I think talking it out with a counselor and going from there is the best idea. Ask him or her all the questions that are on your mind. You may also think about calling a rape crisis hotline.

I would go to www.rainn.org. If you stay on the website long enough the banner like thing will change to one about men who have been raped.

The hotline number is 1-800-656-HOPE.

If you have any more questions or need to vent or need support or whatever, don't hesitate to repost here.

 

[Serenx55]

In times like this you need to fall back on your connections i.e you're family and friends. Did you get a rape kit done? You'll need to get this pig in jail.
You've just gotta realize that it'll all be better and you need a catharsis to vent out the pain either family or consider going to counseling season.

 

[Longjohnsilver]

Thank you, everybody.

I don't have many family members. The ones I do have are thousands of miles away, but I considered calling one of them and telling them but I haven't heard from them in years and I don't have that kind of relationship. It would be similar for most people to calling somebody from work who you see only sporadically and asking to talk to them about this kind of issue. It might work, or it might not.

I have told some of my closest friends, though. The social worker said I had to tell at least 3 people, to make sure that people who care about me knew, so I told them. And they have been helpful, but my anxiety and the feelings that I am going crazy are not abating one bit. I am afraid to open the door. I am afraid to go to sleep.

The part which is hardest for me right now is the wait until next month for an appointment with the therapist, but at the same time I don't know what I would tell her anyway. I asked them to call me if the appointment could be moved up.

But keep something in mind: if this guy did this to you, he'll probably do it to someone else. And no one else should have to go through what you are going through.

A lot of people have told me this, and I know you're trying to be helpful, but this line of thought actually places an even heavier burden on those who are already suffering because it broadly says what I should and shouldn't do in regards to reporting it to the police and it makes it sound as though I, while I am hurting, am now being held responsible for protecting everybody else as well as myself.

The social worker actually told me that people would say this (our meeting lasted a long time), and that it was a common mistake people made, and how it would feel when they said it, but I didn't really experience it until people actually started saying it to me. It's just one more extra burden to deal with and is not helpful. I know you meant well and didn't realize how it came across, though. Before this happened to me I probably would have said it, too.

 

[altlover85]

I feel like some of you missed the part where he said he was from a small town with homophobic cops. I can understand why he wouldn't want to report it if he thinks the police won't take things seriously and it will cause him more harm than good.

 

[KaraBulut]

A lot of people have told me this, and I know you're trying to be helpful, but this line of thought actually places an even heavier burden on those who are already suffering because it broadly says what I should and shouldn't do in regards to reporting it to the police and it makes it sound as though I, while I am hurting, am now being held responsible for protecting everybody else as well as myself.

The social worker actually told me that people would say this (our meeting lasted a long time), and that it was a common mistake people made, and how it would feel when they said it, but I didn't really experience it until people actually started saying it to me. It's just one more extra burden to deal with and is not helpful. I know you meant well and didn't realize how it came across, though. Before this happened to me I probably would have said it, too.

I am aware of that and I chose my words very carefully.

While we think of rape as a stranger overpowering another person, that's not typically what we see in the emergency room. In the majority of cases, the two people involved know each other. Sometimes the incident takes the form of physical violence but most of the time, it involves alcohol or drugs that were used for the perpetrator to rationalize his behavior. It is almost always pre-meditated (studies say about 70-85% of acquaintance rapes were planned events).

And unfortunately, it's a not an isolated event. Guys who do this have long ago rationalized their behavior. Think how often you see guys buying girls drinks or how often gay men are told to get straight guys drunk to "loosen them up".

Date rape and acquaintance rape are grossly underreported in women. And even less reported when the assault involves two men.

The decision is yours and because so much time has passed between the incident and today, it becomes a case of your story versus his story. The process of prosecuting sex crimes is not pleasant even with physical evidence and it becomes even more difficult when there's not physical evidence to corroborate the story of the person who was attacked. Because of this, there is not the urgency of an immediate decision. If you decide to report this, then it is something that you can do based upon what you feel is best for you.

 

[Longjohnsilver]

The hotline number is 1-800-656-HOPE.

I called this number and it does not work for my state. It apparently goes by the zip code you're calling from, and the number it kept connecting me to doesn't work. Do you know if there's any way to report that it doesn't work?

 

[MarkMySpoT]

sorry that that happened to you. *hug*

 

[Longjohnsilver]

I've been through it, almost a year ago now. It was the most horrible thing that's ever happened to me, but to be honest I'm a much better person now. I'm happier than I was before any of it happened, and I have a better perspective in general.

I didn't think that I was going to get through it at the time, so I think the way I feel now is largely to do with the surprise that I'm still alive today. I tried to cope on my own at first for a few months and that made things about a hundred times worse, so my advice is to take whatever help you can get asap.

I'm on antideppressants which helped a lot with my anxiety and mood swings, and I'm still in therapy today. At first it was a bit weird and I didn't really know what to say, and I really didn't like it. But over time I started to kind of see the point to it and eventually realised that I was actually managing to deal with things. I haven't had a panic attack in months now, and I think that I've finally been able to put it all behind me.

I still don't like to think about it, but I'm in a place now where I don't feel like it's hanging over me every day. I know how scary it can be and that most of the time you probably don't even understand what's going on, but just keep it up and with time you'll be able to piece things back together.

This post is very helpful. Thank you.

Right now it doesn't feel like I'm ever going to be sane again.

 

[altlover85]

Longjohnsilver, call 202-544-3064 and report it there. It's their contact us number. I would imagine they might be able to connect you to the hotline from that number as well.

The number was 1-800-656=4673. I put it there just in case you dialed it wrong.

 

[Officialposter]

i know the feeling of waking up and grabbing your chest because you feel like you are OUT of energy, taking a shower about to fall over you feel so drained. Then having to somehow muster the strength to go to work as your body is saying, 'Not enough fuel' and crying because you don't know why you are waking up with 0 will.

It gets better! It can take time to recover, but just remember it's not the end of your life. Take it day by day, and in the morning when you feel you have 0 energy to do anything just look in the mirror smile and take pride in making it another day. You have to start with taking pride in surviving, and being stronger because of it.

 

[godson112]

I feel very sorry for you. Hopefully it won't play on your mind for too long.

I sort of understand what you're going through as last year I had a similar experience where I was out with some friends, and stupidly decided to drink a full drink that had been on our table since we arrived. Something I'll never do again and I have only myself to blame. But I think it was spiked as after that drink, I only remember speckles of the night which included being surrounded by stone pillars with a man in his late 40's, grey beard and orange shirt. Then I remember being forced onto my knees and having his penis forced in my mouth. Then I remember shouting and screaming as I watched him cross the road, then I just remember waking up on the floor by some big metal gates, and I was terrified, so I was running into the streets trying to get attention so somebody could help me as I couldn't find my phone (assuming it was stolen), and all the cars were driving past me and ignoring me until finally some other people on a night out realised how much I needed help and called an ambulance, which took me home.

A very traumatising experience, I got the police involved and they took mouth swabs, clothes, checked CCTV and everything but when they asked me if I wanted to pursue it and take the case further I said no, because my memory was so hazy I didn't think I could be much help, and I was scared that when I was in my spiked state, I might have instigated the attack and I didn't want to come out looking stupid.

But for some reason after a few weeks I barely thought about it, I don't know why. Hopefully it'll be similar with you and eventually you'll just block it from your memory. As long as you're safe and clean now that's all that matters really.

 

[MeDarrin]

What a horrible experience! I'm sorry this happened to you.

If you don't mind my asking--you'd probably be answering others with the same curiosity as well and helping to enlighten us on this subject--how did this happen?

What were the circumstances? Thank you.

 

[palemale]

I called this number and it does not work for my state. It apparently goes by the zip code you're calling from, and the number it kept connecting me to doesn't work. Do you know if there's any way to report that it doesn't work?

Do you have any friends who can kick his ass? I have a friend whose sister was date raped 40 years ago. She got a friend to beat the rapist up.

 

[Longjohnsilver]

Thank you everyone. I have seen my therapist and I have gotten tested. It came back positive for one STD, which is curable and has been treated.

Tomorrow is the one month anniversary. I have nearly lost my job because I have missed so many days. I am too afraid to leave the house most days. I haven't left to get groceries or to do laundry or to check the mail. I am not eating. It's as though a heavy metal chain is holding me back. Nobody seems to understand how traumatizing this is to me, how paralyzed I have become because of this.

I feel like I am losing the will to live. I am not suicidal--I want to live, but I don't have the desire or drive to get out of bed most days. I am trying to figure out how I can survive without my job, because even if I could make myself go to work, there's no way I can concentrate and act like nothing has happened. It's physically and emotionally impossible. I am paralyzed but at the same time so full of anxiety it feels like my head will explode. I am not sure what I will do.

 

[lunarus]

Okay dear one here is some advice...

You have had some time to mourn what has happened to you. Now you need to turn it around a bit.

DO NOT let this man win. Find you anger and channel it into positive constructive avenues. If you continue you are effectively letting him ruin your life. Please don't let him!

Ask yourself, do you want him to hold sway over you, dominate the rest of you life? Or do you want to show him, not literally mind you, that he does not and never will take your own personal power away from you like he did that fateful day.

If he does by the off chance show up again and tries something, protect yourself or learn to. It is up to you to take back from him what he took from you. Now I am not advocating physical violence, unless he does come back, what I am saying is more cathartic in nature.

Get angry, pissed off like you have never gotten before, at him mind you. Take that anger and use it to move past this and show him you will not let him control you. Rape is about power. He had the power over you, it is time to yank it back from him.

After you are done with the anger let it go. You don't need to replace one festering pocket with another. Remember it is about not allowing him to control your life.

And remember in the end he will get his.


Lunar

 

[MeDarrin]

Get help. Why suffer?

A good therapist can help you and prescribe anti-anxiety medication while you heal. There is zero reason for you to be suffering the way you are.

Get yourself to a therapist immediately and get a prescription.

 

[jdcnow]

My thoughts are with you. I wish you peace to soothe your soul. And the douche who did this will pay, and pay dearly he shall, whether in this world, or the next. He'll reap what he has sown.

Please don't give up. Wishing you healing love, bud.