I'm a horrible person.

[Piquechampion]

As they usually do

I think you should write a heartfelt apology and slip it under his door. I also hope you learned from your mistake.

Still learning the hard way...

 

[Adam2299]

1. The guy I insulted has totally forgiven me. I saw him last night and he even joked about it; he's completely fine with it. He also doesn't care that I hooked up with his roommate, b/c I've hooked up with him before and they're not even that close. In fact, he's DATING someone, which I was totally unaware of until last night. I overreacted when I hooked up with his roommate b/c I thought it would bother him but apparently he truly doesn't give a fuck. All is well.

2. I'm not an arrogant shallow asshole. The main reason I started posting on this site was b/c I wanted objective opinions about situations happening in my life, not "attention." I don't think I'm hot shit by any means. I don't think I'm some desirable greek god whatsoever. There are millions of people in the world that would probably think I'm average looking at most. Just because I'm picky with the guys I choose to date doesn't mean I'm arrogant. It just means I'm picky, plain and simple. I don't think I'm better than anyone, especially for such disgusting superficial reasons like the way someone looks. Looks fade and I'm well aware of this.

3. I'm far from irresponsible. I volunteer every day of my life (literally) at a shelter for homeless kids. I make really good grades and I work really hard. Most of the problems in my life right now have to do wth my relationships with other men. It doesn't have anything to do with my family (my family loves me) or with hating the fact that I'm "queer." It has to do with painful childhood experiences that I'd rather not share on this board.

I appreciate the brutally honest comments from everyone. I'll think twice before sort of casually posting a thread next time..... I guess it came off a lot more superficial than I intended.

 

[Kulindahr]

Question: how comfortable are you with

1. being sexual
2. being gay
3. acting sexually
4. being rejected
5. screwing up

 

[Roland00]

Adam can you deal with someone not liking you? Seriously can you accept it? Or will you try to woo them to your side or will you act all angry and hurt and make it about them?

 

[Adam2299]

Question: how comfortable are you with

1. being sexual
2. being gay
3. acting sexually
4. being rejected
5. screwing up

I'm 100% comfortable being gay. I'm not comfortable wth screwing up (who is???). I'm not used to being rejected. The times I've been rejected I've been pretty hurt. Being sexual/acting sexually.... why do you ask? That's sort of personal....

 

[Roland00]

I'm 100% comfortable being gay. I'm not comfortable wth screwing up (who is???). I'm not used to being rejected. The times I've been rejected I've been pretty hurt. Being sexual/acting sexually.... why do you ask? That's sort of personal....

He asks for you seem inexperienced with being rejected. Rejection is natural and inevitable (that doesn't mean you have to like it), you are going to have to deal with experiences of it in your life, even if you are the most perfect, the most fun, the most spontaneous, the greatest guy on the planet.

When you get rejected you act very hurt and don't know what to do. It is very painful so you want it to stop. RIGHT NOW. Thus you seem to take the most extreme action for in your mind the most extreme action will be the fastest way out of the pain (feels like your naked and someone is pouring ice cold water on you or something similar?). You don't really think for you are hurting.

Now its easy for us to critique you for we aren't hurting right this second. Our mind doesn't feel like the world is going to end. Because we aren't hurting we can see more possible ways you can deal with pain.

As you grow older you will learn better responses to deal with pain and rejection, better defense mechanisms, you don't have to take the most extreme option which usually isn't the wisest. You get better as you age.

Of course me saying this all isn't helping that much, you are probably thinking its get better when I get older, Fuck what does it matter, it may get better when I get older but Fuck it I have to deal with the present. Me knowing it gets better doesn't help me right now.

 

[Kulindahr]

I'm 100% comfortable being gay. I'm not comfortable wth screwing up (who is???). I'm not used to being rejected. The times I've been rejected I've been pretty hurt. Being sexual/acting sexually.... why do you ask? That's sort of personal....

I'm trying to get a picture of what's going on, is all. I was guessing you feel comfortable with those things, but it's possible to do them and not be comfortable -- which makes a guy mad at himself (speaking from experience!), and then makes it easier to get upset at other things. Like, you might not have much of a problem with rejection, unless there's sex involved, or it might just be rejection. So I kind of threw out a batch of questions to see where you're at.

I'm still not entirely comfortable with being sexual, let alone knowing that my sexuality is aimed at other men, so when there's even the remote possibility of sex involved, rejection for me is worse. Like, if I thought I was going to get some snuggling and hands action from a guy and instead find myself stuck on the couch, that rejection would be worse than if I was just expecting to share a warm bed and got exiled to the couch.
And then I tend to blame myself -- which is stupid, even if it may sometimes be true. So I guess I'm trying to see things the way you do, instead of the way I do, in trying to figure out if you're a horrible person -- which is what it seems you're asking.
If you're totally comfortable with being gay, you must be pretty comfortable with be sexual. Since you got it on with the guy's roommate, I guess you're comfortable with sexual activity; it didn't seem a big deal to you. If you're good on those, you can't be too horrible a person.

 

[tonyboy]

There's a guy who lives a few apartments down from me who's sort of shy and kind of awkward. He asked me out last semester and I politely declined. He's a nice person but... just incredibly awkward.... well anyway I see him every now and then around campus or at the bus stop. He's realllllllllly pale.... and... well.... I sort of jokingly call him "albino" to one of my roommates. Neither of us mean any harm by it and we would never say it to his face... just jokingly between us.

So this particular roommate and I are standing at the bus stop this morning when I started talking about this guy and his... appearance.... sort of loudly to my roommate when all of a sudden someone taps me on the shoulder... I turn around and it's HIM and he says, "At least now I know how shallow you really are." and just walked away, missing his bus apparently. I didn't even know what to say....

So yea, worst day ever. I feel like a complete asshole.

Should I contact him and apologize or just leave it be?

Hell yes you should apologize man.... Ask him out for some coffee or a beer or something.
You may not know how tough it is for a guy to ask another guy out..... but he had the guts to do so. Least could do is have the courage to make up to him for your boorish behavior.
And man, I figure you must be half decent looking or this guy wouldn't have asked you out, or maybe he figured you to be a semi-decent man.
Yes man, while I'm at it.... I figure you shouldn't be saying anything behind their back that you wouldn't say to their face.
The pale and awkward guy you are talking about had enough courage to ask you out. That took some sort of balls man...... Yeah, he may be awkard but he could also have been the best friend you could have in your life. You will never know will you? Since you rejected him and made fun of him to another friend.
Dude..... the akward and pale guy may never hit it off with you.... you could be total opposites.... but you didn't let him have a chance did you?

Invite him to your next party, take him out for coffee.... don't shine him man. Could be he is a great guy, just takes some getting to know. And if not, well you did your best.

 

[StlKj]

It has to do with painful childhood experiences that I'd rather not share on this board.

Adam, I think this sentence of yours speaks volumes. You seem to have some drives with men that others have pointed out here as well, and from the ones you have posted about before, they seem to be situations where guys who really like you and care about you end up with the short end of the stick, while you do something you end up regretting or feeling bad about. You either then need feedback to support you, or you have a desire to be publicly flogged so you will feel even worse.

We often have subconscious drives that motivate us which stem from earlier experiences. You certainly don't have to share those experiences with us here, but if they were indeed very painful, then I hope you're sharing them with someone, because you could very well keep acting based on those experiences if that is what is happening here.

And as far as your comment to Kulindahr about:

"Being sexual/acting sexually.... why do you ask? That's sort of personal...."

You have shared that you had oral sex with the roommate of a guy who you publicly insulted. You've shared that you've had sex multiple times while drunk. You've shared that you hooked up with an old piano teacher.

Why then does it suddenly become personal when someone asks you after you've already shared extremely personal info about your sexual history? Could it be because any time someone on here asks you a question designed to get to know you beyond your behaviors, you clam up, as you did in the thread about your friend who is probably in love with you? You've had at least, what, four shy or inexperienced guys now who have wanted you or cared about you that didn't go well?

Could it be that, as you said, you don't have a problem with being gay or being sexual, but instead have a problem with someone actually caring about you or even loving you?

Don't know, just a thought. When I read your posts, I feel I'm reading about someone who is actually quite likeable, but who either doesn't believe it himself or is determined to make it not be true. My first impulse is to tell you watch the episode of Seinfeld where George begins to experience happiness by doing the opposite of whatever impulse he has in a given situation.

 

[Kulindahr]

Most of the problems in my life right now have to do wth my relationships with other men..... It has to do with painful childhood experiences that I'd rather not share on this board.

Adam, I think this sentence of yours speaks volumes. ....

And as far as your comment to Kulindahr about:

"Being sexual/acting sexually.... why do you ask? That's sort of personal...."

You have shared that you had oral sex with the roommate of a guy who you publicly insulted. You've shared that you've had sex multiple times while drunk. You've shared that you hooked up with an old piano teacher.

Why then does it suddenly become personal when someone asks you after you've already shared extremely personal info about your sexual history? Could it be because any time someone on here asks you a question designed to get to know you beyond your behaviors, you clam up, as you did in the thread about your friend who is probably in love with you? You've had at least, what, four shy or inexperienced guys now who have wanted you or cared about you that didn't go well?

Could it be that, as you said, you don't have a problem with being gay or being sexual, but instead have a problem with someone actually caring about you or even loving you?

Don't know, just a thought. When I read your posts, I feel I'm reading about someone who is actually quite likeable, but who either doesn't believe it himself or is determined to make it not be true. My first impulse is to tell you watch the episode of Seinfeld where George begins to experience happiness by doing the opposite of whatever impulse he has in a given situation.

I see some good thoughts here.
I somehow missed that statement the first time through -- maybe because it resonated with certain childhood experiences I'd rather not share on this board, either. But if it helps, Adam, you're not alone in having crap happen to you when young, or it making you feel like a horrible person, or it screwing up the way you relate to people. For me I've noticed that until just very, very recently, I didn't have an emotional connection between sex and caring for someone; they were in two different universes almost. And now that I do have a tenuous connection between sex and caring, when things don't go right with sex, I feel hated, and when things don't go right with caring... I stop getting horny. Sometimes I think I'd be better off the earlier way, with no connection, because sex could be fun, and if there was no caring connection, so what -- I got off, he got off, we felt good, and we go our ways. Now it's too easy to get hurt -- not to think I'm a horrible person, but to feel pain of rejection, and to keep feeling it.
So it occurs to me, looking at myself, that "I'm a horrible person" can be a way your mind avoids thinking or feeling something else, in my case, being hurt -- or realizing that maybe I hurt someone else.

Keep posting, dude -- believe it or not, because you brought this up, I learned something about myself. I hope you have, too.

 

[Xpione]

Ya, contact him immidietly and tell him what happened.

 

[JNewYork]

It's great you apologized!

And it's not your fault that the guy was there. You didn't know he was there. It was an accident.

 

[kurtwild]

if i get this right you were calling him albino,right?
n he got that offended?
big deal,dont appologize ,besides you didnt do sthg really bad.

 

[Kulindahr]

It's great you apologized!

And it's not your fault that the guy was there. You didn't know he was there. It was an accident.

Saying derisive things about someone isn't an "accident", and that's where the fault is. It doesn't matter if the person is there or not -- a civilized person acts as if the other person is there.

 

[M4P]

Saying derisive things about someone isn't an "accident", and that's where the fault is. It doesn't matter if the person is there or not -- a civilized person acts as if the other person is there.

Very well said and a good lesson for all of us