I'm gay, and now my younger brother just came out to me...advice

[gotdimples77]

hehehe...cause you know being gay "aint all a bed a roses". You know theres a whole lot of gay guys out there that do drugs and do everything they can to undermine what little community their is out there. You just need to continue being a positive example. He just needs to live his own life. Your parents need to realize that once their kids are out of the house they are kinda on their own and have faith that they did a good job with them. Grandkids will be an issue...or..well..not issue probably. And you are going to feel guilty for not providing them too. Dont stop being involved with your parents whatever you do. For both of your sakes and theirs. Youll get through it. stay loving.

 

[ginjoint]

i wouldn't like it if my brother's gay too... i came out to my mom and she still thinks it's a phase.I wouldn't want my brother to go through those stuff that we all go through but if that's the case, be happy for him cuz he was brave enough and honest enough...

 

[rareboy]

I think it is wonderful that he is gay as well and shared with you. If you worry about him, share those worries and then let them go. You made it, so will he. Don't worry about the parents; he has you to accept him fully for who he is.

 

[Danugh]

Oh this is not good at all.

I know a mother that has 5 sons and all of them turned out gay. Her heart couldnt take it.

I know another case of 2 sets of twins, boys and girls and they turned out gay too.


I'm so glad my brothers are straight.

 

[provenlogic]

perhaps you're transposing your own insecurities on to his issues. it seems to me you still have a problem with yourself being gay, and feel like a failure to your family. perhaps all of you should try some kind of family therapy. it can be very very benificial and bring out all these feelings to air in the open.

 

[antdak]

Soilwork can give his insights into this matter!
I wish I had a relative who was gay, then at least we would have something in common at family reunions!

 

[Elwood]

Of course you are concerned you are his big brother. Your alllowed don't beat yourself up LOL. He probably came out to you because he is looking for guidance I think once you get over your initial shock you will be there for him. As for your parents, thats a toughy, but if you and your brother approach them together hopefully they will take it all right.

 

[c0n0rm]

You're in a special position now. With a 7yr age gap he'll obviously look up to you and there probably wont be any of the sibling rivalry there is with siblings of similar ages.

If I were you I'd make it clear that he can come to you with any questions or problems, and that if your parents give him a hard time he's always got a place he can go (your place) to get away from it all for a couple of days - then just carry on as normal.

Don't smother him and get over-protective, and WHATEVER YOU DO don't shy away from your brotherly responsibilities and leave him by himself.

He needs the freedom to develope at his own pace, and the stability of knowing you've got his back. With those two things he should be fine

If my brother turned out to be gay (which evidence suggests he may be) I'd cringe to the core. We do NOT get along at all, I can't stand the little shit, and I just know that if he came out (which he wouldn't have the balls to do in a million years, the cowardly tosser) everyone would just expect us to be best mates just 'cos we both like cock.

NOT. GOING. TO HAPPEN.

 

[Roland00]

You are a big brother, you naturally worry about your younger siblings whether they are 2 or 12 years apart. 7 years is a difference in age that you can see yourself in him yet there is enough of a lag that the time of your life is very different than the time in his life.

It is natural to worry. Understand this

Yet at the same time the youngest doesn't worry like the big brother did, the youngest is more concerned about how he fits in the family relationship, either proving himself to others or finding his niche. He needs to feel important, valued, and belong.

----------------------------

Thus you need to tell him you still love him and all that, even if you find it obvious. Then you need to tell him why you didn't hug him instantly or something, he has been asking himself why you haven't done that and he is thus uncomfortable. Tell them what was going through your mind then. Be a confidant and an older brother

 

[chatolandia]

There is a show on LOGO about gay siblings. I was watching it the other nigh, it was very eye opening and interesting.

I have two brothers and get along with both, but I'm closer with the youngest one. I know both are straight, and I do feel relief. On one hand it does bother me that I feel that way, but on the other hand; I was mercilessly teased when I was younger and had a hard time in school, so I wouldn't wish that on anyone!

 

[FREDDIE187]

sounds like your parents did a great job raising both of you, two out of two brothers winding up gay is awesome, dont you think he worried about you too when you came out? worrying is just a protective instinct, and its normal. my sister's a lez, so i know where you're cumming from, sorta, lol

Nice post. You are 100% correct bluazid.

The piece about your sister is so cute

 

[cellular]

i can tell you that having yourself and your brothers and sisters turning out gay is not fun at all. its heartbreaking for my parents to know that there will not be any future grandchild for them to hold.

 

[RacerX111]

You're in a special position now. With a 7yr age gap he'll obviously look up to you and there probably wont be any of the sibling rivalry there is with siblings of similar ages.

If I were you I'd make it clear that he can come to you with any questions or problems, and that if your parents give him a hard time he's always got a place he can go (your place) to get away from it all for a couple of days - then just carry on as normal.

Don't smother him and get over-protective, and WHATEVER YOU DO don't shy away from your brotherly responsibilities and leave him by himself.

He needs the freedom to develope at his own pace, and the stability of knowing you've got his back. With those two things he should be fine

If my brother turned out to be gay (which evidence suggests he may be) I'd cringe to the core. We do NOT get along at all, I can't stand the little shit, and I just know that if he came out (which he wouldn't have the balls to do in a million years, the cowardly tosser) everyone would just expect us to be best mates just 'cos we both like cock.

NOT. GOING. TO HAPPEN.

The best of enemies can become the best of friends; I've seen it happen before. No one deserves to be alone, and if he ever did come out...guess who he's going to come crawling to swallowing his pride? You!! Just giving you a heads up.

 

[rareboy]

Just cos you're gay doesn't mean there can't be grandchildren?????????????

 

[tallguy297]

Hey Guidoguy,

But what does that say about my feelings towards myself and the life I lead? I'm perfectly happy with my boyfriend of four years, in our apartment...we have a nice life together. So why would I be concerned for my brother? I'm still sort of in shock over the whole thing...

Its simply says one thing. That you are a loving caring concerned brother. It says that like you're parents that would have wished the same for you, you wanted your brother to lead the perfect life. It simply means that your love for him is strong and real. A reaction like shock is simply a way of making sure that you are considering all the ramifications of the situation...

It says nothing about your life as such, it doesnt reflect on your choices or your current situation. It simply means that you have an empathy for your brother that few others could have. And it means that you have the same feeling of dread for your parents that you had once before.

If anything mate, this post tells me that you're compassionate, empathetic, trustworthy and given your current relationship status, the fact that your brother has come out to your first...extremely honest and caring.

Your brother has seen your life unfold. Hes seen the pitfalls, the hurdles and the tests that come with being gay. But hes also seen you as a happy, fulfilled and faithful partner. He's seen you life your life in a way that gives contentment and satisfaction. Unknowingly you have helped guide and shape his future, you've given him comfort in helping to destroy the stereo types that afflict gay society.

Its completely understandable that you have fears for him...and your parents. In fact...its admirable. It says an awful lot about you.

But your strength and courage are going to be called on again soon. You'll need to help guide comfort and support your family...him through out the early stages with support and advice....your parents with comfort and love, to show them all is not lost. Those amazing values you possess and your own experiences will help you offer a level of insight, hope and warmth that few others could.

I'd say that you're family is lucky to have you mate. They're in good hands...

 

[nsguy2]

I'm gay. 25 years old. Been out for the past 3 years.

My younger brother is 18, a freshman in college and I've had my suspicions that he might be gay for some time now (my parents have as well, we've discussed it). Well the other night we met to go out to dinner and he just comes out with "Uh, I guess I should tell you that I'm gay too".

Now, of course, like I said, I had my suspicions- but I guess until you hear something is true, you sort of believe it won't happen.

So now we're both gay. 2 of out 2 brothers, 7 years apart- and both gay.

You would think, being that I'm gay too, I would leap out of my chair and hug him across the table and tell him how wonderful we're both gay. But honestly, my reaction was sort of the type of reaction that a straight brother may have had. I immediately started worrying about him. It made me uncomfortable to think of him in the context of being gay. I started worrying about how my parents are going to take such a major issue AGAIN with their other son (it took them a while to get over me). I don't know...maybe I just sort of hoped that my brother would be different- that he would be the "normal" one. But what does that say about my feelings towards myself and the life I lead? I'm perfectly happy with my boyfriend of four years, in our apartment...we have a nice life together. So why would I be concerned for my brother? I'm still sort of in shock over the whole thing...

Thoughts?

I don't have any advice as I've never been in your situation and I find it somewhat unique to any of my experience.

I do have a couple of questions, however.

1. Did you have the same worries for him when you "thought" he was gay?

2. What made you think he was gay in the first place?

Thanks.

 

[spreadeagle]

You still have issues of internalised homophobia to address. The extent to which you or your parents are unable to accept your brothers sexuality is the extent to which you/they think there is something wrong with homosexuality.

One or both of your parents may well have gay brothers and sisters or parents.

Though you may deny it, there is an element of love in your relationship with your younger brother. On an unconscious level you see it as part of your responsibility to shield and protect him.

You may have also been projecting onto him the common misconception that gays can't have children - you feel you failed your parents in the grandchildren department and were hoping that your brother would take up the slack.

 

[NickCole]

My younger brother is gay.

From what you've written I think your anxiety over your brother isn't about yourself and the life you live but concern for your parents and their comfort. Also maybe your relationship with them.

Here's the thing. Our parents are adults and, like the rest of us, they have to deal with the twists and turns that life presents -- and if that includes two gay sons then that's what life has given them. They can think of it as a gift or a burden, but that's up to them.

You and your brother don't have a responsibility to be what your parents expected you to be; you have a responsibility to be your genuine selves -- that's who they made.

 

[Riverrick]

My younger sister is gay. She came out 10 years after I did. I wasn't expecting it at all!

I remember the phone call and I was in shock and thinking "Are you sure? How do you know you are gay? Maybe its a phase." Instead, I said a bunch of supportive stuff and did a lot of listening. But after I hung up, I was uncomfortable with my own reaction. Because I wasn't happy she was gay.

In retrospect, I think her coming out put a whole new set of pressures on me. I spent the next year defending her and advocating for her and dealing with a new resurgence of homophobia from people that I thought was done and over with. And I think in that conversation I knew that was coming.

There was one other thing. I'm going to be honest. Being gay was MY characteristic, it was MY little special feature and it was MY world. As funny as it sounds, being gay was who I was and I felt like why don't you find your own special characteristic and leave mine alone.

Now, 12 years later I am long past that and to be honest, she is actually better at being gay than I am.

 

[darcey]

Your concern is natural, 'cause being gay ain't easy. As was suggested, just let him know you'll be there (w/ your boyfriend -envy, envy, envy) if he needs you. One can't live any life but one's own. Hope to hear fm you on you & your mates 50th anniversary.