I'm gay but I want to spend the rest of my life with a woman.

[backpacker]

If you feel like you have been given lemons, the best thing you can do is make lemonade. No matter how much you want to make orange juice from lemons, it's not going to happen. If you embrace it, you'll find that lemonade is much better than your dream of orange juice. I understand that it may not be the life you have envisioned for yourself, but keep in mind that things rarely go as envisioned. Some of the best things in life are unexpected.

You're in the early stages of acceptance of being gay. Many guys have gone down the same road. From the time we are small we are programmed to believe we should grow up, get married, buy a house and have 2.5 kids. You have reached the point where you realize you can never have that in the way you envisioned. You can't have the same type of relationship with a woman that your straight friends have. Now you are trying to convince yourself that you could be happy in a straight relationship as sex isn't that important to you. What about the poor woman who ends up married to someone who isn't attracted to her as she would expect her husband to be? Doesn't she deserve better? What you need to realize is that you can have a loving partner, a house and kids. It's just that your partner will be a guy.

You spent many years trying to make the straight lifestyle work for you, so why not spend one year trying to make being gay work? Date some guys and keep an open mind to being in a relationship with a guy. Make an effort to make some gay friends. If after a year you feel the same way you do now, then you can re-evaluate things. I wish you all the best.

 

[Jack1337]

It was not my intention to come off as rude. I am simply trying to understand your situation. It might be clear to you what you mean but to me (and likely to the rest of the people reading) what you are trying to say may not be as clear, so I ask you to be more patient with your replies instead of simply dismissing everyone as attempting to degrade you in some way. You may not know it, but you've only gotten positive and supportive responses thus far, so I would suggest not being so quick to assume that everybody here is just 'being mean'.

Honestly, I think your problem is that you don't fully understand the concept of being bisexual. It doesn't necessarily mean that you are sexually attracted to both genders, equally, all the time. You might prefer men sometimes and women other times. You might like men way more and only like women a little bit, or vice versa. Think of it as a spectrum between two extremes rather than only having two options with bisexual being strictly 50/50. You label yourself as gay but then say that women arouse you - sorry, but by definition, that is impossible, because gay people, by definition, do not find the opposite sex to be sexually attractive. You're conflicting yourself for no reason.
.....

That right there describes me word to word
I used to think of myself as bisexual but every single time I'd say I'm bi people would rage at me saying there's no such thing as bi sexual and that I'm gay.

So in order not to upset anyone here I said I'm gay, I was going to say bi originally but thought "if I say bi they'll start saying how I'm gay and start trying to convince me to accept my homosexuality"

That one sentences was more hlpful than this entire topic to me.

So being bi means that at times you like men more and at times women? In that case that's me.
I don't see why others couldn't see that and were raging at me saying I was fully gay.

NEVER ONCE did I deny my gay side, never once in my life have I tried to rationalize it either, why should I it's part of who I am.
If anything I've tried to understand why a gay guy would be sexually aroused by women, then I learned I was bi(before that, at first I thought gay men liked women but also liked men and I accepted myself as gay).
So then I thought of myself as a bisexual guy but was afraid to get into a relationship with a girl because I might not be in the mood for sex as often as a heterosexual guy would be, that's what I meant by not giving her what she needs.

Then I started talking with people about my issues, keep in mind I had no idea until now that bisexual people sometimes prefer men and sometimes women or that they don't like both genders equally, this is new info for me.

Anyway people online would say "no you aren't bi you're gay".
And that's where the confusion started
"I'm gay, yet I find women sexually arousing at times." I'd think about this a lot.

Thanks for that post man, it's the one and only post in this entire topic tat actually helped me.

Now I get it
I'm a bi guy who most of the time prefers guys, but also a good chunk of the time likes women too

I mean come on, there's no way to fake or force an erection, I know because in my experimentation I've tried getting aroused by younger men for example, never once did it work or did I find them even remotely attractive.
So if I get erections from women then I'm obviously bi.

 

[MindBlast]

Why do you care whether you end up with a woman or man? If you truly like both, then it's irrelevant who you end up with. Just go with whoever you meet that gets along best with you first.

 

[texan_slant]

Why do you care whether you end up with a woman or man? If you truly like both, then it's irrelevant who you end up with. Just go with whoever you meet that gets along best with you first.

Agreed with the last post ^^

So, in your subject line, you say you're gay, though in your post, you say your bi? ...whatever.

If you're comfortable with who you are, and you know that you wanna be with a woman, why the long dramatic post?

 

[Seasoned]

I'm sorry you're feeling attacked. Posting what you did here hit some raw nerves I imagine. I was someone who wished to be married to a woman and fought what my penis was telling me. It worked out in the long run, but did involve two children and a divorce.

It seemed as if a cauldon was boiling up in me until I had to act upon my feelings and urges. I think there are a lot of men in our situation. The problem is that there is no way of knowing if sexual urges can be supressed for a lifetime. The other question would be why would someone want to subject themselves and others in this struggle.

In my opinion therapy would be a good option for you. This is a complicated issue for you and I think it's important to explore your thoughts and feelings. It will be important not to have secrets if you do pursue a relationship.

I want to wish you well. I know this can be a tremendous burden for you. Feel free to pm me.

 

[Jack1337]

I'm sorry you're feeling attacked. Posting what you did here hit some raw nerves I imagine. I was someone who wished to be married to a woman and fought what my penis was telling me. It worked out in the long run, but did involve two children and a divorce.

It seemed as if a cauldon was boiling up in me until I had to act upon my feelings and urges. I think there are a lot of men in our situation. The problem is that there is no way of knowing if sexual urges can be supressed for a lifetime. The other question would be why would someone want to subject themselves and others in this struggle.

In my opinion therapy would be a good option for you. This is a complicated issue for you and I think it's important to explore your thoughts and feelings. It will be important not to have secrets if you do pursue a relationship.

I want to wish you well. I know this can be a tremendous burden for you. Feel free to pm me.

thanks man, I'm sorry your marriage ended in a divorce.
I'm not just telling myself that sex isn't that important to me, it really is not my sex drive for both guys and girls is pretty low, it's good when it's here but it's not like super strong or anything like back when I was a teenager.

Also I want to marry a woman who will know about my sexuality, I mean these days we have so many open minded accepting people that I'm sure I'll be able to find a woman who won't mind marrying a bi guy who may look at pics of hot mature men every once in a while for a quick fap.

So far I've been more than satisfied sexually with just jacking it to both guys and women, so I don't see why it'd be any different once I get married.

As for why I want a woman so much, well it's not society or my family or anything, I just do because they're so damn beautiful, and so awesome that I really want to share the rest of my life with one, maybe have kids with her and everything.
I can't explain it, it's an emotional thing that's stronger than me, something I've even tried to repress at times by telling myself I'll never be able to be good enough for a woman but it always surfaces. If I repress it for too long it comes back in my dreams if nothing else.

My only wish is not for me to go full on straight, it's alright being bi is a-ok I get to like both sexes and IMO that's cool because I get twice the enjoyment a fully straight or fully gay person does problem is since I truly am fascinated by women, their beauty and all I wish I would crave and need them more often that's all.

The reason I made this topic was because I was scared, didn't know if a guy like me could be physically intimate with a woman but it turns out that it seems I'll be ok as long as I get over my fears and worry that I won't do it right or whatever.

 

[Lube]

Do you want a wife to fuck, or do you just want a child bearer?

Why not marry a man and have/adopt children, and beat off to women once in a while??

 

[Jack1337]

Do you want a wife to fuck, or do you just want a child bearer?

Why not marry a man and have/adopt children, and beat off to women once in a while??

I want a wife to love first and foremost, I can't quite explain this feeling I'm not that good with words.
Kids can wait, I love children but I would love to spend some time alone with my wife first if possible.
I want a wife to love and when I feel sexually aroused by her and I will when it comes to me then of course I want to have sex with her too.

I want a wife for the relationship more than anything, even if she can't have kids or I'm sterile or something I'd still be with her because it's just amazing loving a woman, my only problem is the sex part and my fear that I won't always be able to perform properly because of my bisexuality or whatever.

 

[Mstrshake]

So if I get erections from women then I'm obviously bi.

If, indeed, you do, then yes.

You outlined your problem to me and explained that your issue revolves around your worry that you may not be able to engage in a healthy sexual relationship with a woman. I think the fact that you doubt yourself says a lot, but maybe it doesn't. I, myself, am not bisexual. Why are you so willing to risk it though? I don't think I could give any useful opinion on the matter. I simply don't know how it would go if you engaged in a sexual relationship with a woman.

Do you have a particular aversion to being in a relationship with a man? Can you explain this to me?

 

[altlover85]

Jack1337, I'm still not getting why you just don't have date and have sex with both men and women and go from there.

 

[rareboy]

^ Because some people believe they have to have all the rules sorted out beforehand.

I'm thinking though that there is something odd about trying to separate love from sex and deciding who you can enjoy sexually but not emotionally etc., etc. before you've actually had a relationship with anyone.

 

[Jack1337]

It's not about rules, I just feel it in my heart it's a very strong emotional desire to be with a woman.
I'm not denying my sexuality but never once in my life had I have fantasies about being romantically involved with a man, I've tried to force such thoughts on myself in order to keep an open mind and all that jazz, but nothing.

I'm not feeling it.

I can see men as friends, even as sexual partners if they're of the right age for me(38-59 or so) but a romantic relationship just isn't there.

I've thought about it long and hard, tried to convince myself that I could have a loving relationship with a man but it's not there, I'm not feeling it.

 

[Echoes]

...I'm not feeling it.

I can see men as friends, even as sexual partners if they're of the right age for me(38-59 or so) but a romantic relationship just isn't there.

I've thought about it long and hard, tried to convince myself that I could have a loving relationship with a man but it's not there, I'm not feeling it.

you can't feel it if you don't experience it, for example I just can't love my children because I'm not a father and I don't have anyone, which doesn't mean I wouldn't love them if I did. It's not about forcing, it's all about living.

 

[Jack1337]

you can't feel it if you don't experience it, for example I just can't love my children because I'm not a father and I don't have anyone, which doesn't mean I wouldn't love them if I did. It's not about forcing, it's all about living.

But I'm not a father either and I can already feel the love for my unborn kids and how I want only the best for them, it's there inside me and I feel it.

Why would I want to experiment with a man if I can function with a woman and that's what I already desire? At the end I honestly don't feel like being with a guy regardless of my sexuality.
I have my likes and dislikes in life and I have my emotional desires man, it's not just sexual and those emotional desires are stronger than anything for me.

 

[Echoes]

Man you wish the best for your unborn kids, you may also have the desire but you can't feel love but yeah whatever. I'm not even sure why you started this thread anymore, why do you seek advice if you're not willing to accept it? you said we were just trying to force you to be gay, well you said you were gay in the first place and it's not forcing is what I and others have seen throughout your posts: gayness and denial. However it's fine, you can do what you want with your life, just feel free to come back if you need help/support in the future when you have sorted things out and experience a bit more.

 

[Jack1337]

I clearly explained why I said gay in the topic title. I wasn't sure if what I'm feeling is bisexuality or not, a post down the line confirmed that yes that's how bisexuals feel I even bloded and made the particular sentence state.

 

[Jack1337]

As for why I made this topic, I simply wanted advice from gay people or bisexual people on how they managed to have good sexual reltionships with their women, how they managed to keep them happy and all that.

Take Lube for example, he said he was married for 13 years, so I thought guys like him could give me advice on how I'd go about dealing with women, making them happy and all.

I thought maybe I could talk about trouble mainting erections if there is such a thing, anything a guy in my situation should know.

Instead I got a ton of rage and people wanting me to chose the gay lifestyle which was just terrible.

 

[tipmyscales86]

Just an idea I'll throw out there, maybe you should pursue a relationship with bisexual/lesbian woman. A woman that is in the same shoes as you. As you get closer and more comfortable with each other, you both can let the other go into their "gay mode" without being worried about losing your security as a couple.

As far as your fears of performance with a woman, just let yourself "feel." If you go into bed worrying about whether you'll be able to perform, you probably won't perform. Focus your attention on her and how she turns you on and don't be too self-conscious.

 

[Jack1337]

Just an idea I'll throw out there, maybe you should pursue a relationship with bisexual/lesbian woman. A woman that is in the same shoes as you. As you get closer and more comfortable with each other, you both can let the other go into their "gay mode" without being worried about losing your security as a couple.

As far as your fears of performance with a woman, just let yourself "feel." If you go into bed worrying about whether you'll be able to perform, you probably won't perform. Focus your attention on her and how she turns you on and don't be too self-conscious.

This is some excellent advice there, thanks.
I think you're right, my best bet is to date a bi/lesbian woman someone who'd understand.

I'm definitely going to have problems with performance though, I'm too scared of it, in fact I'm pretty sure I haven't been able to jack off to women in the past month or so because I'm too damn scared it wouldn't work so even though I do get erections when thinking about them when the time comes I start worrying and thinking about all this and there goes erection and all lol

I need to figure out how to calm down and not worry so much, I'm emotionally hypersensitive(was diagnosed even) so I worry too much when I worry about stuff even though generally I'm a fairly happy go lucky guy.

 

[altlover85]

^ Because some people believe they have to have all the rules sorted out beforehand.

I'm thinking though that there is something odd about trying to separate love from sex and deciding who you can enjoy sexually but not emotionally etc., etc. before you've actually had a relationship with anyone.

So take the sex out of it. Until you do something it's all in your head. Jack1337, should see how a relationship with a man and a woman would be and go from there.

As for why I made this topic, I simply wanted advice from gay people or bisexual people on how they managed to have good sexual reltionships with their women, how they managed to keep them happy and all that.

Take Lube for example, he said he was married for 13 years, so I thought guys like him could give me advice on how I'd go about dealing with women, making them happy and all.

I thought maybe I could talk about trouble mainting erections if there is such a thing, anything a guy in my situation should know.

You missed the point of Lube's story. Lube was and is primarily gay and not bi. He's more attracted to men than women. If you wanted to hear someone's story about making women happy, it might make more sense to go to the Straight & Bi Men forum.