im out

[ladygrey]

An odd duck of a couselor for sure^

I hope everything works out. You are doing what you need to, so that's a very postive thing to accept.

If you wanna hun,

I'm a trained life coach, so I could offer you some over the internet secondary support to "counter" or help you with the transition if you need?

May not help you, but I find it a very postive alternative support for therpay, simply because therpay can focus only on one aspect of self, leaving other parts of the indvidual unexpressed.

But regardless of me, you should seek other support mediums. Anything that gives you support and coping tools is worth the time.

 

[Soilwork]

Well, at the risk of being called a "bully" again...

Stop seeing the therapist... you don't need him.

What was making you depressed, it seems, was living in the closet with such opressive parnets, and now that you're not in the closet or living with your parents, the only thing that they're guilting you into is seeing some minister who plays head doctor in his spare time.

By going to this "Doctor", you're sending the message to your parents that you agree with them that you're mentally ill or in need of therapy.

And it seems you were just in need of getting out from under them.

 

[douseiai]

quite true again... believe me soilwork i dont know why but i either like to be bullied by you or i don't find you bullyish... *shrug*... i am probably not going to go to him again for a long time should i consider going back... keep in mind i do hold the cards with him... he doesn't have my number or address or even my email... and since im not listed in austin yet he cant really track me down... so i am still deciding on whether to back or not... its quite possible that i never go back due to work... my sister said she think it may help but i don't know what it would help... meh...

anyways normal update now....
i have orientation for my job tonight... its an easy cashiering job that shouuld be cool since i get a chain wide discount... so i can go to any location and get 20% off anything including clearance... which will help since they have some furniture.. though we may be sticking with the craigslist plan since we keep finding these nice desks for like $40... so thats work... to my aggrivation my sister has not helped me a resume yet but she is going to help me tonight or so help me....

i got an email from my mom last night asking how it went... i simply responded fine and made a request for a couple things i left behind... just a few papers and a small box i think i forgot... she actually said they loved me on the email... when they call me could they say it? nope... (oh they called me to confirm that i got the email about the counselor)
this morning however i got this:

How often does he want you to come for counseling? Did they ask for our
address or anything in order to send us a bill?Thanks,
Mom

i am tempted to respond "well the counselor didn't say about coming back since he seems to think theres nothing wrong with me" however i think that would make her cry... so umm.. any ideas on how to respond? i would hate to say that cause it may cause them to go through the "fuck our son is gay disowning time" and i won't get certain papers i may need... i won't be responding to it yet but if anyone has an idea i would much appriciate it! anywho... thats about it i guesses...
i got a freaky email from someone that kinda scares me... its mostly cause he is talkin about how i am his apparent soul mate after 2 emails what the fuckever i am kinda laughing at it its ok though... he sent me nudes of some random pornstar lol anyways... thanks again guys

 

[Elwood]

Just a comment aboput the therapy. I know for myself it helped tremendously with the coming out process, for you I think it will help dealing with your family. Having said that though, I do not think you should see any therapist who is related to a church. It might take you a while to find a good one who you can relate too, I was lucky that I got a good one on the first try. Just remember one thing therapy is all about YOU and not what your parents want.If you do not really want to go then it will not help. I for one recommend it, it was a wonderful experience for me. Take care my friend you seem to be on the right track!!!

 

[slobone]

Hi, douseiai, hope you don't mind me butting into this thread at this late date.

I agree with Elwood for the most part -- you may or may not decide that counseling is a good idea for you right now, but if you do, it should be a counselor of your choosing and not your parents'. And one who's a minister and has no license... I don't know about that.

Keep in mind that therapy is a very intimate process. They can really get deep inside your head. It can actually be worse if the therapist is somebody you like and whose approval you seek. Then you become emotionally dependent on them and begin to see the world through their eyes.

At a minimum find out if this guy thinks homosexuality is a sin. That ought to be a deal-breaker.

If you decide not to go to him, you don't have to make any elaborate excuses to your mom. Just say, "there's too much going on right now for me to fit that into my life."

Your best longterm strategy for dealing with your parents is to establish an independent life for yourself. Once they see you're doing OK on your own, they'll probably start to calm down a little. At any rate you're in a place (literally and metaphorically) where you're less dependent on them. It sounds like you've made a good start on your new life.

Good luck!

 

[jockboy01]

As to how to respond that email... that's a tough one. Couple of options.

1) ignore the question in your response. This is a great thing about email. You can pretend that you forgot about the question or whatever. No need to explain, just respond with the rest of info needed. If that WAS the email, you could just not respond altogether. It doesn't address the issue I realize but it's a non-confrontational approach.

2) Answer the second question only. If there is a bill, send it to them and just say "thanks for the question, I gave him your address to send the bill." Or if there isn't a bill, you could just say that.

3) Or a bit more confrontational and either say something along the lines you suggested or say something to the effect of "I'm going as often as I need to". Or you could even say something like "yeah, he's really helping me with some unresolved issues regarding accepting my homosexuality" which basically nicely says that he's not making you str8.

It's up to you. I'd probably choose #1 but that's just me... it seems so stupid.

As to a therapist, I don't know you that well. But they can be helpful and hopefully you're a decent judge of character and can decide if this guy is helpful or not. I don't know that licensing is that important imo if he's helpful. Nor do I think that simply being associated with a church makes him a bad counselor. You seem like a smart guy. Just be careful to make sure he's not screwing you up instead of helping.

 

[douseiai]

ok thank you jock for the ideas... i will be trying to think of something soon enough... right now i am feigning "i keep forgetting to check that email" (i have 4 emails) so if they call i have an excuse...
ok so minor update... apparently my sister has told me to about everyone she knows... which doesn't bother me its just kinda odd that she comes home after almost every night and says "hey my friend brian says you can call him whenever you need to talk" and i am just like "who the fuck are these people" i mean its cool and i love the support its just kinda random that i have like approx. 14 names of people that i don't know that i can call if i needed to talk... so its cool just a little odd for me anyways....
another one of her friends forworded her an email because she told him about me and he told this other person about me... and so he got an email to forward to my sister to forward to me about something called pflag... ( http://www.pflag-austin.org/index.html ) i was looking it over an it seems cool enough... i might consider attending a meeting just to see what its like... whether its more parents or more kids (i am thinking more parents but i would love to hear different parents thoughts on the subject) so yeah... i start monday at a part time job and i am goin to a job fair in a little bit... thats it really...

 

[jockboy01]

Yeah, pflag would be good. What would be better I think is to ask your parents to go to a pflag meeting. Heck, if you're doing counseling with somebody for them, they could do this for you. I would approach it as a "we'll meet in the middle" type of thing. Ultimately, we all know, that you're not going to become str8 and they'll have to learn to accept that, but approaching this way might get them to go to one. If I ever tell my parents, I'm for sure going to have them go to a pflag meeting. I think it would do a world of good for them to meet other parents who felt the same way they did and see how things changed. I would highly recommend it. (never been myself, but hear great things about them).

P.S. so much for making headway on my family for gays. My bro today said he doesn't like san francisco b/c "they're too many gays... and you can tell." Not sure what the "you can tell" part means and he wouldn't elaborate. Then my mom said she likes san fran, but she could never live there b/c there are too many queers. LOL. Oh well, so much for disillusioning myself that I'd made progress with them over the years.

 

[subfer1]

Dou I love you and all, but I agree with Soil here, I don't think you need the counseling, but it would be bad for your mom's emotional state to hear it, so try and figure out how to tell them, Jock has some nice ideas, anyways love you and IM me whenever you need me babe.

 

[douseiai]

^thank you sweety i am pretty sure that i don't need it either i am just trying to think of delicate ways to alert my parents that well... i am not straight...

Yeah, pflag would be good. What would be better I think is to ask your parents to go to a pflag meeting. Heck, if you're doing counseling with somebody for them, they could do this for you. I would approach it as a "we'll meet in the middle" type of thing. Ultimately, we all know, that you're not going to become str8 and they'll have to learn to accept that, but approaching this way might get them to go to one. If I ever tell my parents, I'm for sure going to have them go to a pflag meeting. I think it would do a world of good for them to meet other parents who felt the same way they did and see how things changed. I would highly recommend it. (never been myself, but hear great things about them).

P.S. so much for making headway on my family for gays. My bro today said he doesn't like san francisco b/c "they're too many gays... and you can tell." Not sure what the "you can tell" part means and he wouldn't elaborate. Then my mom said she likes san fran, but she could never live there b/c there are too many queers. LOL. Oh well, so much for disillusioning myself that I'd made progress with them over the years.

while i really want to go to their next meeting (which is like sept 11... how quaint...) i don't think my parents should attend... well more like i doubt they would attend... my parents find homsexuality disgusting and i don't know what could change that... so its gonna be a slow process... eventually i think they may realize that when i went upstairs that i actually did stuff... my parents think i only played games... which is an unfortunate misconception... since for the 5 years that i sort of knew i did do studying and stuffs... anywho... umm eventually i will recomend it if there is a pflag office near our home... for the late commers i lived in california and moved to texas... i had never heard of pflag before well.... today.... anyways... umm i may recomend it later but i would still fear my parents would walk in and after 10 minutes would just start crying and say that everyone there would burn in hell... so... yeah... pflag later on dont know when.... *shrug* thanks again

 

[jockboy01]

tell them they have to sit through one meeting at least. I bet they'll be able to suck it up. And maybe they will just be bitter and think people will burn in hell. And maybe they'll meet parents that thought the same way they do until they had a gay son/daughter.

Aw, so cute... do they have a pflag near home. LOL....

http://www.pflagla.org/

OF COURSE!! Heck, they even meet at a church... not sure how your parents will take that one hahaha.

http://www.bidstrup.com/parents.htm

Another page that might be helpful to them. Ultimately, it'll be up to them to open their minds to understand what it means. But the more objective info/support you can give them I think the better they'll take it. I think you need to push info on them to accept you as who you are rather than only appeasing them by going to counseling sessions. I'm not opposed to counseling, but I think if you let them continue on this path, they're never going to realize that they are the ones who need help. So I'd make it a pushing battle. I think you'd win after a while.

 

[douseiai]

just umm so you know.... my parents believe no other religion or church is in the right... they believe only people from thsi sort of more extreme conservative view have any chance of going to heaven... so the fact that its in a church kinda makes it a little worse cause now they can pull out the bible and smack people and say "how can you say this its right here" and quote 4 verses where it talks about sexual immoralists... yes i am sounding totally negative about them... but this is my sort of safety thinking... i generally try to prepare for all instances... people didnt think they would kick me out when i came out and well yeah i know my parents... they would join those fucktards who go to soldiers funerals and picket saying "fag soldiers in hell" (they do that to even not gay soldiers... its a long story...) but they support the war... anywho... the church part doesn't help so yeah... thatll happen later when i get neccessary paperwork that i forgot out there (birth certificate and a couple of financial records) then i can be as queer as i like since well... they have nothign that i need so... i think ill ask for the pflag thing then... so yeah...

 

[jockboy01]

no, I understand the plan for the worst scenario. It's prudent. And a good idea to wait until you have everything you need from them just in case. But even if they react that way... nothing lost for you imo. And I have parents who are similar... not the same of course, but similar. And over the years I've found standing up to them to be much more constructive than bowing to their desires for me. We still have issues about a lot of things, but they finally know that they can't bully me into doing something that they want.... and that's nice. Although they do need occasional reminders.

 

[Roland00]

If you do go to the therapist again, I would ask him this flat out.

Do you believe homosexuality is a sin? Followed by homosexual acts?

There is a huge difference between christians believe a person should be "celibate" vs "chaste."

Of course I don't think it really matters for you already probally know your therapist position.

I aint going to give you advice on whether to not visit the therapist again, or to do so. I think you already have the answer in your mind douseiai, instead you just want to give the "decision making process" to somebody else. It makes it easier for you, having someone else making the decision, just to go with the flow, etc. It takes the responsibility away from you, and if you aren't responsible some of your fears natural abate. Trust your insticts, just relax, and go with your gut. Do whatever you want, not what will make things easier, or will help person X. Douseiai I am guessing one of the reasons why you felt so bad (and I aint meaning to be rude, I guessing I am very similar)

Live in the moment for once, just live for today, smile at the sunset and the clouds, the music on the radio, and the hot people that walk down the street. Forget about everything else and just enjoy yourself.

 

[douseiai]

^thats actually what i have been doing.... my sister and i decided that until we get the new apartment we are gonna kinda take it easy... eat almost whatever we want, go see tons of movies (her boyfriend gets us in free) do kinda what we want to do for now... so yeah... as far as seeing the therapist again... i doubt i will anytime soon...

oh btw my answer to my moms email was "we are gonna wait until i get my schedule down with work" which in a sense is true so woots....

umm but yeah... nothing to new sept i started work today... it seems like a cool place... they say stuff is "gay" to often but i know i can change that... they are very strict on their sexual harrasment policies and it says in the book that sexual harrasment is anything from whistilng at a girl walking by or looking a guy up and down so it kinda sucks that theres a lot of cute texas boys that work there i'm not out there but when it comes to work i kinda follow a don't ask don't tell thing... but it can be let out in conversation about whatever... if some question lets it slip no worries.... only real complaint about the job is that... orange is not my color... well and that my job is 30 minutes away and only pays $6 an hour but thats cool for now

i completed my resume and my sister is going to take it to her friend at apple to see if i can get a job there... which would be flippin awesome... work a floor below my sister... be able to bike to work (not that i will do that in this heat wave) maybe in winter though... anyways... umm i think thats it really... i have to get used to people saying "y'all" and humming country music but oh wells... seems pretty cool... bleh everything is fine really... a little on the parents side...

oh an older couple has offered to talk to me and meet me if i need help... older gay couple meaning like 40's and they have been together for like 13 years or so very cool i thinks...
oh my sister and I decided that once we get the new apartment we are going to keep the food strict to certain items... and we will be joining the local YMCA and working out together about an hour a day... which is awesome... we gonna get hot together which works for me... my sister has also said that we are gonna get me a good wardrobe for my build since right now i basically have just shorts and t-shirts... so yeah... that will improve... soon enough... thats about it really... so yeah....

 

[Riverrick]

oh an older couple has offered to talk to me and meet me if i need help... older gay couple meaning like 40's and they have been together for like 13 years or so very cool i thinks.....

Why would you need them? You have us. Who do they think they are?

Ooops! Sorry. Getting a little territorial. Anyways, how great to have this couple available to help you. You can't have too many resources. I'm also really happy you sister is doing such a great job of being supportive.

Thanks again for keeping us updated.

 

[douseiai]

lol thats cute ...
they sort of just offered an open ear maybe breakfast sometimes just to have a face to talk to and stuff... so is cool and all...

 

[jockboy01]

LOL at riverrick's terroritoriality!!! And yes, thanks for the updates... sounds like things are moving smoothly.

 

[douseiai]

grrr... ok so i have a job (its nice i like it just fine and have another interview for another place on tuesday so jobs are not a problem with now) ok so the ugg grr part... my mom emailed me again.. ugg

"How are things going? Have you secured a job yet? How many interviews have you been on? I have an interview for a data entry position on Monday.

You need to go to counseling while trying to find a job.

Later,
Mom"

ok i am not going back to counseling... not yet not until i think there is somethin the fuck wrong with me... i can't wait to get all my papers from them and be able to say "theres nothing wrong with me... however there is something wrong with you guys... your the people that need the counseling..." but meh can't say that till i am secure... luckily my sister totaly agrees with me... last night we went to the pool and talked for like 2 hours about our parents... i even called them fucktards at one point this week... ugg of everything thats been goin on the hardest part has been to tell my parents to stfu... ugg sorry this is more of a venting rant then update sorrys... shrug bleh

 

[Soilwork]

I'm so proud of you.

you're turning into .. well.. me.

Standing up for yourself, not caving, being the grown man that an awful lot of people seem to have trouble being.

And to think that people were telling me to shove it for telling you to do what's apparently coming quite naturally for you.