I'm so depressed...need to vent(long)

[beatleshead]

All right, so here it goes. It’s my first time writing on here, after many months of reading this sight, and after many months convincing myself of who I am I decided I need to vent. I really not even looking for an answer to my problems but I just need to tell someone other than myself or my pillow or else I’m going to burst and this issue is still eating me alive so that’s why I thought I’d vent here. It might be kind of long and if it gets theatrical forgive me because I want to be a writer and sometimes I don’t know when to turn it off lol. All right let me start then;

I knew that I was different, whether it be if I was smarter from the rest or an introverted person (or at least I thought it was all the problem was), basically all my early life. I don’t like people and though I can fight through it, I am constantly strained when it comes to having a social life. But then there was one person that made me feel different.

Fast forward into high school. My first year I went to a high school far from the schools I went to previously so I was the odd man out at the school. I didn’t have many friends though that would get better. So anyway I was in a marine biology class and was assigned a seat with like 6 or 7 people. As the class went on I noticed this one kid that kept staring at me and though I wasn’t really NOTICING him, if you catch my drift, It was bugging me that he kept looking at me.

Time went by and this went on a lot and so one-day I think we had to do a project and we started talking. For privacy purposes I’ll call him Manny, and he was a Latino kid, really short and muscularly thin but really really cute and sweet. He was a little shy but he was part of the popular click only by default because he went to the same school as mostly everybody else at the school. We talked on and off that year but I thought nothing of it and I just took him as a new friend, although I did have this weird intimidation when I had to talk to him.

So fast-forward another year… sophomore year. We ended up in the same class again but this time the class was a bit more intimate and had of his friends like the last one. So he started the staring thing again but this time I thought I couldn’t be imagining it because it was the most intense (and now that I think, sexy lol) stares that I had never experienced. AND THIS WOULD HAPPEN EVERY DAY! I kept avoiding it and trying to look away because at the time I was really annoyed of it.

So time went by and we started talking again and starting to become closer friends, and the staring think kept going on. Now that I look back at it, he would do things like clearly planning to see me or like walking slow or fast to catch up to me. One of the weirdest things he did was trust me out of all his really close friends to meet him early one morning to get his homework because he was going on a trip.

Now at this point I was pretty sure of his intentions and I was not interested because I didn’t know I could have feelings for guys yet but for some reason I kept friendly with him.

So one day when I was driving home with my mom I looked out the window and I saw him walking down my street and I got a little excited because he lived near me. So we went on a field trip for the class we were in and of course he decided to hang out with me the whole time, on the bus, at the trip. We actually had really interesting conversations about our parents and our problems and our history and we kind of found out we had a lot in common.

I told him that I saw him and he said yeah he lived with his dad but visited his mom every other weekend or something, court orders. So we talked about summer school and some how we came to the conclusion that I should give him a ride to school during the summer and I said sure.

So school was out and we had maybe three weeks off before summer school started and he went out of town. That’s when it started. I started thinking about him, wondering how he was and what was he doing. I would look at my phone and pass by his name and just sit around and think about him. So summer school came and the rides started. Then we started riding the bus home together. That’s when I knew what I wanted. We would talk and I would stare at him and get lost in his eyes on accident and not even listen to what he would say and sometimes would just stare at each other and then smile at each other and look away.

I met his mom because sometimes she would come and get him so I got to meet her she was really nice and I think she picked up on something but I’m not sure because she would make him talk to me when it got awkwardly silent and she kept asking me if I had a gf lol. when we would ride home he would tell me about all the fun stuff at his house like games and being the self destructive idiot I am I never got the hint that he wanted me to come over. One day we were riding and I wasn’t paying attention to him, and I swore I heard something to the effect of “marsloopay” “carcluetray” or something like that, he had said it so softly. I said “what?” and he wouldn’t repeat himself. I tried really hard to make him repeat himself, playfully of course, but he kind of got upset and made me stop. I don’t know what he whispered to me to this day but I hope it wasn’t what I think he asked because that depresses me even more if it was.

So summer school went on and he got his license. His dad let him borrow his aunt’s car and there was hardly any contact for the rest of summer session. I was kind of hurt because he took all his popular friends’ home. One time I was standing at the bus stop when he and his friends passed by. He saw me and looked at me and I must’ve had the face of Satan on at that time he looked down with a face of shame that made me feel a little bad.

The rest of that summer, I was tortured by the thought of him, I wanted to be with him so much, not even really all that sexual, in fact it was a time were I couldn’t jack off to him because that’s how highly I felt about him. That summer I realized I was bi and that summer I think that was my first experience with love.

Shit I have to go to class I swear I’ll come back because I have a lot more and I haven’t even gotten to my question. Please bear with me, ill be back tonight!

 

[Atomw7]

Wow, I can't believe I read all that. You should try to find someone who speaks spanish and ask them what he said.

 

[beatleshead]

Wow, I can't believe I read all that. You should try to find someone who speaks spanish and ask them what he said.

No!..lol you dont get it. i thought he said are you gay but im not sure at all and i couldnve imagined it but i wasnt paying attention to him so im not sure at all. he didnt say anything in spanish lol

ill be writin the rest tonight.

 

[Lewis1]

hurry up and post this is getting juicy
but geez it sounded lik you guys were getting close i dunno why he would kinda diss you with his other friends

please post

 

[beatleshead]

hurry up and post this is getting juicy
but geez it sounded lik you guys were getting close i dunno why he would kinda diss you with his other friends

please post

i think your gunna be mighty dissapointed with the rest of it lol

 

[beatleshead]

Okay. I’m back. I kind of feel better already but ill finish it up.

I think im going to post this in the gay stories thing too since its so long. it'll just be a true gay storie lol Here it is:

So junior year comes. For some reason I become quite the social butterfly. I start hanging out with a lot of the popular kids, and I have a lot of friends. I was feeling a bit happier and a getting over Manny sort of, though I would think about him from time to time.

I became like the class clown and though I liked it I now realize that I was hiding from my problems. I was very miserable. I had little if no contact with Manny that year. I heard that he had got a car, a mustang, and obviously when that kind of things happens of course he becomes a bigshot lol. I really didn’t care too much but I did kind of feel dumped in the gutter, not just because he was my crush but more so because I thought he was a friend. Time went on and I started getting interested and talking to some girls and even a few guys. After a series of events, this one guy even kind of figure out about me and told me he wanted to have sex with me but I don’t know I sort of was feeling asexual. None of them, boys or girls did anything for me and I really didn’t want it. That guy and me were friends for a long time because we knew each others secrets but he kind drifted away, he was a nice guy though.

Anyway I met a girl named Maria and we became and are still are good friends. We started to bond a bit because we were into the same kind of things, same kind of music. We got to a point were she started telling me about her relationship with Manny. They were part of the same click and so she knew him better than I. I learned from her that he had a crush on her and was trying to get with her. It kind of turned me off and I had this secret hate for her because of that, though I’ve since gotten rid of it. I was jealous lol. Time passed and by the time junior year was over, I hadn’t really seen him at all. Then senior year came and that’s when I lost my mind.

We came back senior year and I was actually happy with finishing high school. I went to check in to my classes and the first one was a P.E. class. When I got there I sat with a few friends and didn’t really notice the people who were in the class. We sat on the bleachers Then somebody kept messing with my neck at first I didn’t know what it was but when I turned around it was him, Manny. We said hi and started talking about are classes and summer and stuff. When he was talking all I kept thinking about was how much he had matured and how sexy he gotten. Fuck I wanted grab em right there and fuck em lol. I found out that he had like three or four classes with me so we started walking to class together sometimes.

During those walks we would talk about random stuff but sometimes our conversations would get pretty interesting lol. for instance one time we were talking about something and we got to a point were he told me that when his parents are gone he walks around naked. I laughed and told him that was gross and I said, “so if I come over one day you’ll answer the door naked?” and he said yeah and that I should come over on the weekend to see him naked. He was joking of course. I think.

Then one day I was like playfully slapping him and he asked me why my hands were sweaty and I said I don’t know I’m nervous I guess, and then he said why do I make you nervous and I jokingly said yeah and so he said what do you want to hold my hand or something and so I took is his hand and held it but it was all playful and he pulled it away laughing and I don’t think both took it that seriously.

One day I learned that he was dating Maria from a friend. That’s when I slowly started to self-destruct. I stopped talking to him and treated him mean for no reason. I think he kind of noticed. So one day during P.E. he initiated a talk and I was kind of cold with him. There was this girl that I was hanging out with and during that talk he asked me was that my “girl”. I told him no, and then somehow I asked him about Maria and he denied it. It made me feel stupid for being jealous for something so stupid so I stopped acting cold.

Time went by and I met this girl. I don’t really want to go into her cos that’s a whole other post but basically she kind of became my gf though that was not officially the title. I spent a lot of time with her and started to like her a lot. Obviously I was frustrated because I wanted to take it more with her but then I couldn’t stop obsessing over Manny.

When we started hanging out more, he got really weird. For one thing that staring shit came back and with a vengeance. There was not a corner I could go to, not glance I could avoid without him staring. And for some reason that urge to be mean to him came back. I was quite the asshole to him that now I can’t believe I would do that to somebody. We had sixth period together and sometimes we would talk but for the most part I would just get pissed off with his presence but at the same time my attraction to him got stronger.

Christmas break came and I had a get together in Moreno Valley with my family. My cousins are like 30 but they act like there 16 so needless to say they would let us underagers drink lol. I got really blasted and started playing on my phone. The liquor made me text Manny and I just was saying random things to him like telling him how much I had to drink and stuff. He enjoyed it and was telling me that’s bad and stuff. So then something made me text “I hate you”. He text back “I hate you too lol.” then I text him “I hate you more”. He didn’t text back for a long time and then he finally text, “ I hate you.” I was kind of drunkenly concerned that I hurt his feelings. So I text to him, “you know I don’t hate you don’t you” and he text back “I don’t hate you either..” I’m telling you that it was an act of God that stopped me from texting back “I love you.” I really cant remember why I didn’t in my drunken stupor, I think maybe my cousin took my phone to use or something.

Later in the break we hung out. I was pretty sure that something was going to happen because this was the first time we were by ourselves since the bus rides when we were shy. I picked him up (I finally got my license) when he got in I saw he had a piercing which kind of raised my suspicions lol we went to a guitar store and I think to in and out, I cant remember now. Nothing happened and I suppose I became disillusioned of him because he was asking me about the girls we saw and stuff it was very disappointing.

So I became more serious with the girl. We decided to go to prom together. I started the mean thing again. He would be so excited to talk to me and I would just shut him down cold. I have that kind of power in my personality. I’m a jerk. It was his birthday and Maria invited us to his surprise party. I SERIOUSLY had no interest in going but my gf convinced me to so we went. It was kind of weird because the disinterest was radiating off of me and everyone, including him, noticed. When we got there I went in his house to find him and give em his gift and he saw me. He said hi and then he asked me could he have a hug. I was obviously dumbfounded and immediately told him no. He playfully begged me and so I did it, half heartily. He took it to another level though and like REALLY gave me a hug. He started rubbing my back and even started smelling my shoulder (he was and still is short so his head was at about my shoulder lol.) I pulled away and he started laughing but I kind of think that was to stop me from beating him up although I wouldn’t ever do that to him.

The party went on and we couldn’t keep our eyes off of each other. Out of all his friends he sat next to me. Then his other friends came and I didn’t exist. My gf was friends with all of them so I felt left out. I text her, at the party, right next to him, that I wanted to leave. She made a big deal out of it and told him what I text her. His feelings were hurt I could tell and I immediately left. The Gf and I fought the whole way to her house.

So the mean thing continued. One memorable thing that happened was I was walking to our class and he caught up with me. He teased me because my pants were sagging and he said I looked like I walked with shit in my pants (now that I think of it that was HILARIOUS! Lol!) Usually we would joke like that but this time I got really pissed off and walked faster, he tried to catch up with me and was pulling my arm and kept say, “wait [my name] I’m sorry I didn’t mean it” but I shoved him and kept walking. Later after school he caught up with me to say sorry to which I didn’t accept and we started arguing. It wasn’t that serious of an argument it was just a playful thing though I was dead serious. In the middle of the argument he said, “ so your going to act like this after all we’ve been through?” I stopped dead in my tracks and demanded to know what he meant by that of course he didn’t say anything and I finally said, “man fuck you.” I know it doesn’t sound like anything but I REALLY said fuck you like the kind of fuck you like your dad just left your family or something like that. He just walked away quietly.

That night I thought about what I did and I text him to tell him I was sorry and that I didn’t mean it and I asked him did I hurt his feelings. He said no but I was sure I did. Time goes on and prom gets near. Manny and I have little contact at this time and I even start avoiding him. Prom week came. The same day as I was getting my suit my gf dumped me. I cracked. I fell into a deep depression that I think still affects me today. For some strange reason he was the first one I told. He told me it would be all right and stuff. as you can see by my self destructive nature I would not have any of his sympathy and so I found someway to ruin it. A couple of days later he asked me about her and I told him that it was none of his business and walked away. This time I didn’t feel bad.

As graduation crept I got a little more depressed, a little more tired, a little crazier. My hair, which I’ve always kept cleanly cut, was now something akin to Bob Dylan circa Blonde on Blonde. I was crabby and wanted nothing to do with my friends. I let time pass me by. He gave up on being my friend I think because I would snap at him at a whim or do something really cruel. I wore sweaters in the middle of March. I started thinking about suicide. The last two things that I did to him before graduation were the cruelest things I’ve ever done. He got a girlfriend at this point, but from what I understand it was set up but nonetheless he would kiss her and stuff, but I was to crazed to care. One day he got up the nerve to ask me to sign his yearbook, which I must’ve been really bad, because he was SO scared to ask me. I signed his yearbook these exact words, “DON’T DIE.”

The day before graduation I heard him talking about how he could bring everyone to graduation and his grandma was upset about it. Later he asked me if I was using all my tickets. I said to him, “why you need one for your grandma” and he said “yeah” and I said, in a very glib way, “I’M USING EVERY SINGLE ONE OF MY TICKETS.” And walked away.

Graduation happened. I felt sick that whole day. Afterwards we all went back to the school to go to Disneyland for grad night. There was liquor going around. He was with his click on the other side of the lot and I with mine. He walked ALL THE WAY over to talk to me. He was clearly drunk but he started to mumble, “I proud of you, we made it. You ready to party?” I pretended like he wasn’t there and starting taking pictures with friends. He stood there for about two minutes and then put his head down, and walked away.

And then it was over. I was the grinch that whole summer. I started to slowly realize what I had done and it just started to eat at me. I became increasingly depressed and suicidal. The only thing I though about that summer was Manny.

Which brings me to today:

I’m in my second semester at college and I’m just as depressed as the summer. I gained about 30 pounds, though I’ve started exercising again. I’m deeply in the closet and I’m turning over my fingernails not to claw myself out. I don’t have any friends here. People try but I isolate myself and keep conversation to a minimum. All I do is think of him. Manny.

I cried myself to sleep inexplicably last night, which is amazing i got any kind of sleep . That’s why I’m venting now. I don’t understand. Was everything I did a mistake in my head? Did I imagine some of this stuff? I don’t know. I know it will never happen like I want it but I can’t seem to go on. It’s been about seven months now. I talked to him last month for the first time but it wasn’t the same. It was just a hi, how is school kind of thing. I know I need to get over him but I cant. I have no sexual drive or desire anymore. I hardly jack off. Its getting harder and harder to function socially.

I think I can only go so long. I need help. I just don’t know what to do. I do feel a bit better telling all this though. Thanks for listening whoever’s reading.

 

[Atomw7]

Sounded like he was nice to you, but you were an ass to him. After he gave you many chances you acted nice again, and then you turned again. If you care for him so much why were you so hateful? I would suggest messaging him and asking him to hang out because you had something to say. When/if you meet tell him you are sorry, say you were jealous of his GF because you were afraid she would take time away from you two. Maybe?

 

[Lewis1]

i think your gunna be mighty dissapointed with the rest of it lol

damn at all of that typin
(turns on computer magnifier)

 

[Lewis1]

awwwwwww
wow@being mean all the time i dont think i could ever be that mean unless someone really harmed me

i dont blame you entirely though
manny did have his cold shoulder moments and while i think he wanted to start over with you lol it seemed like you were just fed up about everything lol

as far as now goes
i know you think about him
but is it hard to try again to get back in touch ? i mean we all go through our lil episodes and in high school it can be amplified sometimes i think both of you are maturer now to be better firends but i dont know lol

i like this story
please dont think about suicide
its not an option
the depression is bad

 

[beatleshead]

awwwwwww
wow@being mean all the time i dont think i could ever be that mean unless someone really harmed me

i dont blame you entirely though
manny did have his cold shoulder moments and while i think he wanted to start over with you lol it seemed like you were just fed up about everything lol

as far as now goes
i know you think about him
but is it hard to try again to get back in touch ? i mean we all go through our lil episodes and in high school it can be amplified sometimes i think both of you are maturer now to be better firends but i dont know lol

i like this story
please dont think about suicide
its not an option
the depression is bad

Im starting to understand that it was me I know i was an ass you all didnt have to repeat it to me lol i think that thats how i take out my fustrations is hurting ppl and i think there was a pleasure out of treating him like that cos i think that I wanted to create this soap opera with him.

thats how i do a lot of things. there was alway alot of other things going on and i think that it forced me to treat him like that.

i know it sounds backwards to care about him and then do that kind of stuff to him but thats how i felt at the time. I take full responcibility.

The last time i saw him was at a get together that maria invited me to about a month ago. he wasnt too happy to see me and it was curtousy conversation. I think that and the fact that im just plain scared to talk to him is stopping me from talking to him. I mean it would literally take me three seconds to communicate with him in some way but i would probably be shaking for about an hour.

But i think ill try and if i do i think I'll casually ask him to hang out. if anything i just want my friend back.

 

[Lewis1]

Im starting to understand that it was me I know i was an ass you all didnt have to repeat it to me lol i think that thats how i take out my fustrations is hurting ppl and i think there was a pleasure out of treating him like that cos i think that I wanted to create this soap opera with him.

thats how i do a lot of things. there was alway alot of other things going on and i think that it forced me to treat him like that.

i know it sounds backwards to care about him and then do that kind of stuff to him but thats how i felt at the time. I take full responcibility.

The last time i saw him was at a get together that maria invited me to about a month ago. he wasnt too happy to see me and it was curtousy conversation. I think that and the fact that im just plain scared to talk to him is stopping me from talking to him. I mean it would literally take me three seconds to communicate with him in some way but i would probably be shaking for about an hour.

But i think ill try and if i do i think I'll casually ask him to hang out. if anything i just want my friend back.

well i would definetly try to make ammends
just do it lol

 

[KaraBulut]

You don't have a sexual relationship with Manny. You are attracted but you're not ready/able to act upon your feelings. This Manny thing is more an obsession than anything else. It's just not healthy.

There are two things that need to be healed here.

You need to heal this relationship with Manny. You were mean and immature. While this is not unusual for teenagers, it is nevertheless hurtful. You owe him an apology. What you need to decide is whether you want to tell him the reason why. Telling him that you are bisexual and that you are attracted to him will explain a lot. It may also allow both of you to be honest about other things and stop all this hurtful behavior that seems to be going on. It's up to you to decide how much you are ready to tell him but at the very least you need to apologize so that you can begin the healing process in your friendship with him.

You need to start healing yourself. Everyone has ups and downs. If you're a sophomore and all of this started your senior year in high school, that means that this depression has been going on for a couple of years. That's not a normal "up and down"- it's depression. What you have described (eloquently and lengthily) is a textbook case study for adolscent clinical dpression.


It's time that you got some help. This means counseling. This means talking to your doctor about whether you should be on medication to help with your depression. It means making amends to the people that you have hurt- including Manny.

 

[Ron Apple]

I think I can almost relate to how you feel, I have also been nasty to ppl who have liked me and enjoyed my company all because I thort they didnt fit in. I had a similar person to Manny, who would stare at me and then the moment I look, he would turn away and pretend to be looking out the window, which was both annoying and distracting.

At the moment, I do suggest that you look for some professional help. You seem to be a nice guy who has just lost his way a bit. All you need now is for someone to point you in the right direction. I think that once you are happy with yourself it will become much easier to be happy with others and to manny.

Im sure that Manny is feeling rejected and backstabed right now, but he has no idea how you felt and you had no idea how to make him feel what you felt. I think that your mind is thinking about Manny too much, you need to try and sort things out with him. Perhaps get a mediator to help you guys get along. If hez in any of your classes, try and get him to tutor you or something, its a good way to become friendly again.

Manny had clear feelings for you, so if you approach him, he will always remember those feelings, no matter how small they may have gotten. The only way you are going to get over him is if you get over your fear of him, only then will you unwind the fixed path that your mind has carved towards him. (I learnt that the hard way)

Just start small, a smile in the corridor, a wave in the passage, a goodbye when you leave. Its often the little things that need to be fixed first before the big things can even be approched.

Hope you can gather some advice out this
I want to see you on here till you're 80 and wrinkly and forget how to type
Ron

 

[silentalk]

This post made me cry. I've never cried to a post on JUB before. My eyes moisturized once, but this is the first time I cried. I don't know what to feel or think of this. I know I don't know you, but I couldn't help but feel angry at you and sorry for both you and Manny.

Sorry, I don't mean to sound like a jerk, but this story touched me very deeply.

I usually understand how people think. I have a quite sophisticated psychological background, but I've never came across such a thing before. I don't exactly know how to explain your actions, but I think you're a nice person deep inside; a nice person who messed up. Your story shook my insides.

Listen, you have to do something to save yourself first. There are two solutions I know of besides therapy (I think it might help if you had therapy): The first one happens randomly and is different to every person. Something clicks inside and you're another person. Sorry, I know that doesn't help, but it happens... sometimes. The second thing is, you have to fall in love. Now, ask yourself, do you still have any feelings for Manny? If you do, even just a little, you would at least want to keep a good friendship with him, don't you? Changing your attitude and quit being mean is a different story. If you like, I can try and help. But the best thing to do now is trying to save your friendship, otherwise, what you did to him might affect his future too, not just yours. Write him a long letter explaining everything... every single thing, just like you did here. The best thing to happen is that he'll admit that he has the same feelings for you. The worst is that he'll leave you and walk away, and you'll know then that he's not a good person to stay friends with, but you won't lose anything.

And as for his actions, he might've been scared, nervous or just wanted to give you some space.

I feel that at some point you guys had something beautiful going on. Please don't let it go.

I wish you good luck from the bottom of my heart!

 

[BlueD]

everyone's advices above are great, nothing much to add...

Does he know your feeling toward him? If he stared at you for 3 years, he probably has some feeling to you....

One suggestion: send him what you wrote here, maybe edit it a bit. Just to let him know what you are feeling for him. And after that, give it a conclusion about what you really want in doing this (like just want a friend)

Good luck with your school work

 

[beatleshead]

im starting to feel a lot better from your comments...not because ur answering my problems but that you guys are givin me some kinda direction to start.

I dont think its such a good idea to send him, or even flat out tell him this b/c if in anyway i have made a miscalculation of him it would be disasterous as both he and my friends are all connected and if it turned out that way i would be ruined.

My band which is like 2/4 friends of his, some of my straight friends (some ofwhom show a lotta hate towards gay, bi, etc) and enough ppl that it i think it would trickle down to my parents which i am definitely NOT ready to do b/c they are deeply against homosexuality and my financial support would be ruined.

no matter how obviously interested he may have been interested in me im just not ready to chance that.

however i do have a plan to get myself together

Im going for a physical next month (my birthday lol) and im goin to ask about depression and treatment. I have always wanted to ask about this but i just never could figure out a way to bring it up with a doctor. How do you ask? one time i did and she was kind of a bitch and just told me to change my diet...she also acted like she didnt want to touch me (perhaps the color of my skin lol) so i tthink i just got a bad doctor. so yah i need tips on how to get help.

also i think im gonna transfer because i REALLY REALLY hate my college. that might be adding to it.

I'm gonna get in contact with him. im gonna ask him to hang out. i need to see if hes moved on and i want to see if we can be friends again. i probably wont end up tellin him but u never know ive read crazier things on here lol

So yeah thats it...ill update when i talk to him and also if we meet in the summer..thats a long time from now. maybe sum of u will remember. lol

Oh yeah and I love you guys.

Peace!..

 

[KaraBulut]

ihowever i do have a plan to get myself together

Im going for a physical next month (my birthday lol) and im goin to ask about depression and treatment. I have always wanted to ask about this but i just never could figure out a way to bring it up with a doctor. How do you ask? one time i did and she was kind of a bitch and just told me to change my diet...she also acted like she didnt want to touch me (perhaps the color of my skin lol) so i tthink i just got a bad doctor. so yah i need tips on how to get help.

To begin with, if your doctor is tense about these discussions- change doctors. My suggestion to you is to find a family practitioner who has a large gay/bisexual practice. This way you can talk about everything and anything.

There's nothing to ask. You tell your physician how you're feeling. They see depression all of the time. You discuss what you're interested in doing about it. For example, you can say that you've been feeling down for a whlie, it's not getting better and that you want to know if antidepressant medications would help.

I'm gonna get in contact with him. im gonna ask him to hang out. i need to see if hes moved on and i want to see if we can be friends again. i probably wont end up tellin him but u never know ive read crazier things on here lol

You do need to apologize and make amends. Starting with an apology is always a good practice when you've done shitty things to anyone. And you will probably need to give a reason. This can be that you were feeling depressed (which is true) or you may want to consider saying something about conflicted feelings you've had about your friendship with him.

You know your situation better than we do. Only you know whether it is time to come out and tell your friends about your sexuality. Keep in mind though that if you are bisexual or gay, you're carrying a lot of needless baggage around. At some point you will need to deal with that issue. You're going to have to decide who in your life you want to allow into that part of your life. There is nothing worse than the loneliness of having two lives - the one that is your real life and the other the very narrow piece of your life that you let your friends see.

It's been said here many times and in many ways: "If you can't be honest with your friends about who your really are then they aren't really your friends".

i
So yeah thats it...ill update when i talk to him and also if we meet in the summer..thats a long time from now. maybe sum of u will remember. lol

Please update us after your physical next month.

As for your friend Manny, why wait until summer?

 

[beatleshead]

As for your friend Manny, why wait until summer?

I'm miles away in college and i wont be coming home for spring break so the only time i'll be back in L.A. is the summer...which is where he is.

 

[KaraBulut]

As for your friend Manny, why wait until summer?

I'm miles away in college and i wont be coming home for spring break so the only time i'll be back in L.A. is the summer...which is where he is.

Understood. This might be a good thing. You'll have that time over the next few months to focus on yourself.

 

[silentalk]

Ok... if you don't want to send him a letter, it's your choice to make, and you have a valid point. But before I elaborate on this, I have to agree with Karabulut that you might need to change your doctor. And I might add one more thing as well: You need a psychiatrist not a physician. A physician will, if anything, only prescribe some antidepressant (probably Prozac), which might have many undesirable side-effects. A psychiatrist might do that too, but he'll have more, a lot more things up his sleeve.

Now, as for your friend, I have to agree again that an apology would be a good start. You can tell him that you have been going through some things without giving details. Now, if you don't want to come out to him, but want him to come out to you, or at least you want to test the waters, make it clear to him that you cannot tell him what's going on with you. Let him sense that you have a big secret that you cannot reveal. If he's gay, or bi, he'll probably guess and would make an effort to come out to you. If he's not, then you have to do further testings. If he's homophobic, he probably would not want to believe that you're gay and might dismiss it and not think more about it. At he end, you have to make it clear to him that you're really sorry, and that you didn't mean to hurt his feelings, but you were having your own problems.

Good luck! Keep us updated!