Okay, here's a story, not designed to make you feel like a failure but to show you that there is a light at the end of the tunnel that you can reach.
Several years ago now, a friend of mine developed a depilating back condition. He was basically crippled, could no longer work. He walks with the aid of a walking stick. He was - at the time - in his mid twenties. He was written off by every doctor he came across and was put on a disability pension and told - basically - that he was on the scrap heap.
No one would have blamed him if he'd taken the easy route and sat on his arse, watching daytime TV and counting down the rest of his life. He'd already been told he was never going to work again. Instead of sitting and waiting for the end of his life he got off his bum and turned a hobby into a career.
When you are told your life is over at an early age you have two choices. He chose to give everyone who wrote him off a big "F You". He had always loved to cook. So he started releasing cooking videos on YouTube. Within less than a year he'd told Centrelink (Australia's version of Social Services) they could jam their disability payments, had released his first cookbook and was the "go to" video channel in Australia that spawned dozens of imitators.
He found a home, and a community online through YouTube. Over the past several years he's released 6 cookbooks on various internet sites, been flown to LA by an American Online Cooking Channel to film an exclusive series of his show for their website. Last weekend he won an award at the Inaugural Australian Webstream Awards, and was also a presenter. He has flown around Australia for various YouTube gatherings and is constantly being approached by random companies to feature their products in his videos.
I tell you this story not to impress you, but to impress up on you that the only way we can make a change in our life is to commit to it. When I read the above posts, there always seemed to be a ready excuse as to why you couldn't make a change. Or someone else who needed to do something before you could.
When I was in my early 30's I got sick. I lost my voice. Not a big deal I guess. Except I worked in Call Centres. I mute phone operator doesn't work. I lost my job - and my voice for 6 months - I lost my savings, I lost my home, I moved back to my parents place. I spent six months barely able to talk above a whisper. No one would hire me.
Before I lost the house, I hit the floor. A friend turned up one day unannounced and banged on the front door till I let her in. By this point I was living in my garage. I was drinking from early morning till early morning when I'd pass out. I had a beautiful 3 bedroom home and I never left the garage. My friend dragged me to the Dr's one morning against my will. It was a day that was to change my life in my many ways.
But it wasn't my friend who dragged me out of the dark. It was me. When I came home from the Dr's that day I took a tablet and then forced myself to drag my lounge back into the front room. I opened the windows and pulled up the blinds. I did the laundry and the washing up. And I poured the wine down the sink.
It took a long time for me to start glimpsing the light at the end of the tunnel. Far too long. But every day I did something. I went to bed at a reasonable time. I got up early. I showered and shaved and cleaned my house. I put on my running shoes and I walked around the suburb for an hour a day.
When I moved home though I was defeated. I found it very easy to sit in my bedroom and hate. But still I went walking. Enjoyed the scent of salt water and cool air. I walked in sunshine and in rain. Eventually my voice returned. Eventually I found a job, one I'd never thought I'd do. I found a job that required multiple degrees - I had none - and I used my charm and my lack of fear to talk the HR Manager into hiring me. That job was to consume my life for nearly 7 years.
When you have depression you need to try and move. Not away. But move. If your house is shining and smells minty fresh, get outside. Go for a walk. Remember the good. I know that is easier said than done sometimes, but you have to try. Because, until you do, until you become the person you turn to for care and love no one else can do it for you.
I note in your response above that you reference "those who caused your depression" as the only ones who can help you to heal. I'm going to call a big "no" on that Dragon. Those who have lied about you, or hurt you, they'll never be the ones to help you. I had to learn that the hard way. The only person who can help you is you.
I lost a lot of people over the years, but never as many as I did when the depression really flared up. Some of the things said about me at the time haunted me for years. I really believe you need to seek some professional help for your depression. You're comment ".. and said not to talk to him until I was more appreciative of the good things in my life..." is quite telling.
One of the main issues with depression is the distortion of reality. Others can see what we are ignoring. What we can not. That distortion can drive people insane. When a person is constantly talking about what is wrong with their lives, it wears you down. Because the assumption is the person is just "whinging". It's not about your perception but theirs. They can see what you're doing, what you could be doing, but without you seeing it, it's irrelevant. They think you're ignoring it, concentrating on the negative to the exclusion of all else. What they don't understand is, frankly, you can't see it.
It's not his fault at all. You're both just looking at the same coin from different sides. I never recommend people go to get medication for depression, it's that persons own decision but between this post and others, I am going to say that you find a new doctor and you get something to help you. You need to balance your brain a bit mate. When everything is out of kilter, it makes life impossible.
Take from this what you will, disregard the rest. The choice lies with you, just as it did with me that April morning when I stood in the kitchen with a packet of anti-depressants, in a kitchen surrounded by mess and plates unwashed for days, ashtrays overflowing and empty wine bottles all over the floor. I chose to risk it, and see if life could be different. It's the choice I'd make for you, but only you can make it for yourself.
