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In Love with a straight guy. What to do?
- Thread starter LostVegas
- Start date
Most of us have gone through this. We find the perfect guy, and he's straight. He's always going to be straight and you'll never be able to have the kind of relationship you want with him. How do you fix this? Change what you want from him. You have to want to be his friend and nothing more. Sounds hard, and it is but, it can be done. It might be a good idea to spend a little time away from him, go out and date a little. Spend time with other gay men that stuff can actually happen with. That doesn't mean you have to sleep with other men if you don't want to, it's just important that you can if you want to.
Eventually you will be able to just be his friend but it will take time, don't expect things to change overnight and you'll be fine. Hopefully.
Eventually you will be able to just be his friend but it will take time, don't expect things to change overnight and you'll be fine. Hopefully.
http://www.justusboys.com/forum/showthread.php?t=161266&highlight=Spensed
What you can do is to work on the only things you can control and change in the situation, which is your attitude and your actions.
You can continue to be nice to him, but try letting him do the running and take the initiative. Let him call you, set things up, etc. Most times if you just play the ball back to him and let him decide what to you with it, the truth of the relationship will become more apparent. Generally, that's that he's into his girlfriend, you may or may not be important to him, but he's not the one keeping the relationship going at the intense and very intimate level that you experience it. He simply can't place the same priority on the friendship as you do and the sooner you see that the better for you and for him.
One thing that helped me was to replace "him" consciously in my head with some other friend that I had no feelings for when making decisions around him. Don't agree to do things with him, if you won't do them, if he were the other friend. If you do that, you'll find you don't end up, for example, as a third wheel with him and his girlfriend at some event that you only go along with to be around him. You wouldn't do it with another friend, so don't do it with him. A silly trick, but it helped me shift my attitude and behavior.
At the same time, focus on situations where you might come across someone very much like him but who is emotionally and sexually available to you. That means doing the footwork in checking out gay orientated or gay friendly groups like gay social, charity, political, sporting, theatrical groups. Something that you might enjoy or want to do in any event with the bonus of possibly making or consolidating gay friends and introductions.
Also getting in shape and looking after yourself physically, therapy and discussing the issue with other friends can help bring more reality into what's going on with you and why you're choosing to overfocus on someone who isn't available to you in the way you want. If you don't learn from what you're doing, you'll spend a lot of time repeating the same behavior with different people.
Having said all of that, I won't beat yourself up about him. He may be the best that you can do in terms of where you are in dealing with your own sexuality and intimacy issues. Trying to hook up with an emotionally unavailable guy is painful and frustrating, but the trade off is that you avoid the physical and emotional complexities of a real enconters and relationships.
He's a forerunner in your life, at a time, when for one reason or another you're not interested in the real thing. Obviously, the sooner you can move on to trying to find the real thing, the better your chances of doing that. Good luck.
What you can do is to work on the only things you can control and change in the situation, which is your attitude and your actions.
You can continue to be nice to him, but try letting him do the running and take the initiative. Let him call you, set things up, etc. Most times if you just play the ball back to him and let him decide what to you with it, the truth of the relationship will become more apparent. Generally, that's that he's into his girlfriend, you may or may not be important to him, but he's not the one keeping the relationship going at the intense and very intimate level that you experience it. He simply can't place the same priority on the friendship as you do and the sooner you see that the better for you and for him.
One thing that helped me was to replace "him" consciously in my head with some other friend that I had no feelings for when making decisions around him. Don't agree to do things with him, if you won't do them, if he were the other friend. If you do that, you'll find you don't end up, for example, as a third wheel with him and his girlfriend at some event that you only go along with to be around him. You wouldn't do it with another friend, so don't do it with him. A silly trick, but it helped me shift my attitude and behavior.
At the same time, focus on situations where you might come across someone very much like him but who is emotionally and sexually available to you. That means doing the footwork in checking out gay orientated or gay friendly groups like gay social, charity, political, sporting, theatrical groups. Something that you might enjoy or want to do in any event with the bonus of possibly making or consolidating gay friends and introductions.
Also getting in shape and looking after yourself physically, therapy and discussing the issue with other friends can help bring more reality into what's going on with you and why you're choosing to overfocus on someone who isn't available to you in the way you want. If you don't learn from what you're doing, you'll spend a lot of time repeating the same behavior with different people.
Having said all of that, I won't beat yourself up about him. He may be the best that you can do in terms of where you are in dealing with your own sexuality and intimacy issues. Trying to hook up with an emotionally unavailable guy is painful and frustrating, but the trade off is that you avoid the physical and emotional complexities of a real enconters and relationships.
He's a forerunner in your life, at a time, when for one reason or another you're not interested in the real thing. Obviously, the sooner you can move on to trying to find the real thing, the better your chances of doing that. Good luck.
Eternaldarkness
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Walking on the beach and holding hands as the sun sets... wow, how romantic yet its not reality. Base on your post, I can understand that you are still not yet experienced with life too much as well with love. Please move on, he has a girlfriend and is straight. Your answer to your problem is there already. The longer you wait, the more confused and deeper you will be... so while it is still fresh and lust is not a love, we should move on and find someone perfect for us (like how he had already found his)
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Okay. Here's my helpful advice.
You are the only one who can get this crush under control.
If you can't be with him and love him as a friend, then you are going to have to stop spending time with him. There are a lot of guys in your position who become so frustrated and jealous that they become toxic and begin to interfere in their friends relationships with their gf's and wives. It never has a good end. There are those who end up being cruelly shut out, once the guy they're crushing on has a gf who sees you as a real threat and makes him choose.
Just get out now.
Or get a grip on your crush. Realize that he is never going to be yours. Get out there and find other guys who have the same qualities and get happy.
You are the only one who can get this crush under control.
If you can't be with him and love him as a friend, then you are going to have to stop spending time with him. There are a lot of guys in your position who become so frustrated and jealous that they become toxic and begin to interfere in their friends relationships with their gf's and wives. It never has a good end. There are those who end up being cruelly shut out, once the guy they're crushing on has a gf who sees you as a real threat and makes him choose.
Just get out now.
Or get a grip on your crush. Realize that he is never going to be yours. Get out there and find other guys who have the same qualities and get happy.
thermodynamics
Resident Enginerd
Been there, done that.
The only thing that worked for me was to stop seeing him--to not hang out with him, and to only see him when we needed to for class projects, etc...
Painful, but it's the only sure-fire thing.
The only thing that worked for me was to stop seeing him--to not hang out with him, and to only see him when we needed to for class projects, etc...
Painful, but it's the only sure-fire thing.
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Story of my life.
there are two things you can do in this situation:
1. Realize that it will never work out for you, say goodbye, and move on.
2. Remain friends with him and fight through the feelings.
Neither one works for everybody. In my situation, I realized it would be harder for me to walk away and lose a friend than to fight through the feelings. Also, when we hang out, I feel like it puts our relationship into perspective, which makes it easier to realize that he is straight and there is no way I can be with him (sadly).
there are two things you can do in this situation:
1. Realize that it will never work out for you, say goodbye, and move on.
2. Remain friends with him and fight through the feelings.
Neither one works for everybody. In my situation, I realized it would be harder for me to walk away and lose a friend than to fight through the feelings. Also, when we hang out, I feel like it puts our relationship into perspective, which makes it easier to realize that he is straight and there is no way I can be with him (sadly).
^ I understand your second option, but it does take time and energy away from potentially more real and fulfilling relationships and friendships.
You see it in other situations like the aging female assistant, who been in love with her married boss for decades. Really it's just sad.
As for option one, I don't think you need to say goodbye to move on. Saying goodbye without dealing with your own issues just sets you up sooner or later for the next one-sided obsession. I'm not saying that's what you're suggesting. The real issue isn't the other guy or the relationship. It's the unhealthy insistence on purusing one-sided love interests and that's what one has say goodbye to.
If you stay friends, but can change your attitude and behavior in the friendship, by letting othe other guy call first or initiate things, while you get busy with gay things or whatever, the "relationship" will shift or end naturally.
Obviously, different strokes for different folks.
You see it in other situations like the aging female assistant, who been in love with her married boss for decades. Really it's just sad.
As for option one, I don't think you need to say goodbye to move on. Saying goodbye without dealing with your own issues just sets you up sooner or later for the next one-sided obsession. I'm not saying that's what you're suggesting. The real issue isn't the other guy or the relationship. It's the unhealthy insistence on purusing one-sided love interests and that's what one has say goodbye to.
If you stay friends, but can change your attitude and behavior in the friendship, by letting othe other guy call first or initiate things, while you get busy with gay things or whatever, the "relationship" will shift or end naturally.
Obviously, different strokes for different folks.
nihilis
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This is rare. If I were you, I'd do everything to hang on to this guy's friendship. To fuck it up because of your lust would be a shame.
Then don't. Leave it alone. Love him as a friend, nothing more. You told him how you feel, and even if he was secretly gay, the next move would have to be his anyway. There's nothing you can do but move forward and look for love elsewhere.
JSRD
JUB Addict
i am completely in your situation right now except it's a guy i work with. i like him so much but he is dating some girl (that i fuckin hate.....ugh i can't stand her at all) and it just really sucks. it seems like everything about him is perfect. i just don't understand why he is in my life if nothing is going to happen. i just feel it's very unfair that here's this guy that has all the qualities i want but i can't have him. i hate it. anyway as i read these posts i try to picture moving on, but i feel like i can't. i hate trying to picture my life without him, so i really really don't know what to do. my whole situation just really really blows =/
I think all the advice given here is really good, and I'm sort of in a similar problem myself.
Except, I am in love with my best male friend who is bisexual, but he is in love with a straight guy. He likes me as well (although not as much as he does this straight guy) and we both know we both like eachother, but he says he can't do anything with me while he is in love with this straight guy because it would be 'unfair' on me.
It's so frustrating we've flirted so much, sent the dirty text messages, even played footsy, rubbed eachothers legs, we both want eachother, but he wont take it any further while he's in love with this stupid straight guy.
Except, I am in love with my best male friend who is bisexual, but he is in love with a straight guy. He likes me as well (although not as much as he does this straight guy) and we both know we both like eachother, but he says he can't do anything with me while he is in love with this straight guy because it would be 'unfair' on me.
It's so frustrating we've flirted so much, sent the dirty text messages, even played footsy, rubbed eachothers legs, we both want eachother, but he wont take it any further while he's in love with this stupid straight guy.
ruanyingxiong
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Bjlover69,
I was in your situation and am still in your situation. My best friend is just the same. He accepts me and want me to be his friend. I had experienced the most extreme pain in my life. I even told him that I might end my life sometime because of my hopelessness. Well, he understood. At some point, I wanted him to break off the friendship with me so I can distant myself from him entirely.
There are many goof straight friends out there.
Time by time, I have realized the straight nature and respect him. My obsession with him has decreased. I still love him. We can say that on the phone. I found the love is so deep that I can put my obsession aside.
But it works both side. If you have a friend like this just keep being patient with you. It is about you to get out of the feeling. When you get out of the feeling, you will find another path of relationship. It is hurt sometime. It is the romance. But if you walked away completely, you might feel regretted of loosing a good friend.
My love to him still there but my obsession has been reducing. Once, he let me see his naked body and tell me this is as far that he can go.
I was in your situation and am still in your situation. My best friend is just the same. He accepts me and want me to be his friend. I had experienced the most extreme pain in my life. I even told him that I might end my life sometime because of my hopelessness. Well, he understood. At some point, I wanted him to break off the friendship with me so I can distant myself from him entirely.
There are many goof straight friends out there.
Time by time, I have realized the straight nature and respect him. My obsession with him has decreased. I still love him. We can say that on the phone. I found the love is so deep that I can put my obsession aside.
But it works both side. If you have a friend like this just keep being patient with you. It is about you to get out of the feeling. When you get out of the feeling, you will find another path of relationship. It is hurt sometime. It is the romance. But if you walked away completely, you might feel regretted of loosing a good friend.
My love to him still there but my obsession has been reducing. Once, he let me see his naked body and tell me this is as far that he can go.
G-Lexington
Lex. Icon. Devil.
Congratulations to JUB for getting to post #17 without anybody saying "You should totally get him drunk and make a move on him." 
Lex
Lex
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Congratulations to JUB for getting to post #17 without anybody saying "You should totally get him drunk and make a move on him."
Get Lex drunk and make a move on him.
*run like hell*
</hijack>
G-Lexington
Lex. Icon. Devil.
Oh, come on. You don't have to get me drunk. 
And besides, I'm no fun - I'm gay.
Lex
And besides, I'm no fun - I'm gay. Lex
dexter1232
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i know what you mean, damn i'm in love with this one guy who looks like matt damon. damn, i always check him out, and i think he's straight, but he's always hugging guys and he like shaves his legs. but damn!! ah i always think of him, i on purposely rub against him, i haven't come out yet so it just looks like i'm trying to pass by and he's on my way. haha
damn. but if he ever comes out, i'll talk to him for sure.
damn. but if he ever comes out, i'll talk to him for sure.
interesting stories to be made by hollywood.
RedRedKroovy
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Ok from the other side
I can tell you how he is thinking..he is thinking well he's my friend and we are close and stuff like this sometimes happens...I told him how I felt so now everything is better...so now we can go back to normal
That is what your straight friend is thinking...that's what I thought when it happened to me
My friend said he couldn't deal with seeing me with my gf...I was like...why?....I told you how I felt
I still lost him as a freind and it still sucks but there you go
I mean I could be kinda pissed for him throwing over our friendship just because I didn't wanna knock boots with him
I can tell you how he is thinking..he is thinking well he's my friend and we are close and stuff like this sometimes happens...I told him how I felt so now everything is better...so now we can go back to normal
That is what your straight friend is thinking...that's what I thought when it happened to me
My friend said he couldn't deal with seeing me with my gf...I was like...why?....I told you how I felt
I still lost him as a freind and it still sucks but there you go
I mean I could be kinda pissed for him throwing over our friendship just because I didn't wanna knock boots with him
