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    The members offering support and advice do so with the best intention. If you ask for advice, we don't require you to take the advice, but we do ask that you listen and give it consideration.

In shock.

Uh, right.....Dan would never suspect it was you who sent it.
 
Stay the heck out of it completely. If & when 'Dan" finds out, and he should ask if you know/knew, act shocked and DO NOT under any circumstances let him know. Do the "I had no idea" bit and act shoucked, and if "kyle" says anything about you knowing to try to deflect some of the anger DENY DENY DENY that you knew anything.
 
If Kyle says anything about you knowing, he's even dumber than he sounds. :) What's Kyle gonna say, "Don't blame me for screwing around - Adam knew! He should've told you!"

Just be prepared to take sides if'n'when it all comes out. And judging only from what you've said, I'd be leaning towards Dan...

Lex
 
Well I know I probably shouldn't say anything and I don't think I'm going to, but I do feel really stupid chipping in money for this "anniversary party." It all just seems so fake now....

And seriously, it wasn't just a drunken kiss, they were making out hardcore. The guy he was kissing goes to some other college... I've never even seen him before. It's all just really weird...

But I'm not gonna say anything. As of now at least....
 
Every advice columnist I've ever read says that in a situation like this, you stay out of it. You do not know what really goes on in the couple in question. Telling Dan could backfire against you if he chooses not to believe you and strengthen his faith in Kyle instead. Or, Dan may indeed suspect already but choose not to address it; if you tell him, suddenly his hand is forced.

Personally, I would get Kyle alone for a moment and tell him that I had no intention of ever mentioning what I saw, but if I ever suspected he was engaging in risky behavior that could endanger Dan's health, I'd sing like a bird. And if he chose not be my friend anymore, well, who cares--the friendship (and the respect) is really over already, isn't it?
 
Man, maybe I'm going through some problems right now to cloud my judgement but I don't think "staying out of it" is the best course of action.

You mentioned you are friends with both of them. You saw Kyle sexually interacting with another guy. And when you confronted him about it, he threatened you! A friend does not do that. Let me be clear, Kyle is not a true friend.

Now that this is clear, who is still your true friend? Dan is. He may or may not be faithful either but someone is lying to somebody. Obviously, Kyle's behavior is putting Dan's health at risk. If Dan was at risk of an STD, AIDS, etc., wouldn't you help him?

This won't go away. Every time you see them together it will be poison because you know Kyle is cheating on Dan. It will only drive your friendship with them to ruin. At least you can keep one good friend, Dan. Even if he doesn't believe you and stops being your friend, at least you told him.
 
ffwd said:
I have never seen so much advice I consider to be bad in one thread and I'm sorry you have decided to follow it.

By all means, tell him. At the very least tell Kyle he has one chance to tell Dan before you do.

One of the fatal mistakes a person can make is trusting someone who is not trustworthy. It is one thing if both of them have (or want to have) a non-monogamous relationship.

But if Kyle wants to make out with other boys, Kyle should be proud of it, not shameful, manipulative, and controlling, Dan should know all about it, Dan should be cool with it, and he should think it is hot. If not, then something is seriously wrong.

What if what Dan decides to do in bed with Kyle is based on trusting Kyle's word about being monogamous? Kissing other guys could just be the tip of the iceberg as far as Kyle's extra-curricular activities go, and if that is true, then Dan could be at real risk to his health from Kyle.

You can shine the light of day on this situation. If Kyle ends up hating you, so what? If Dan ends up hating you, so what? If he wants to stick his head in the sand so be it. You say you are Dan's friend. Maybe you don't know how to tell him now, but what would you tell him when he's trying to figure out how he got infected with something Kyle brings home? "Oh, sorry, mate. I knew this would probably happen years ago after that party on the balcony, but it wasn't any of my business."

That is the most dramatic possibility, but it is a real possibility and it can be totally avoided if Kyle is honest about what he wants. Do you really want your friend Dan to be blindly dating a guy who goes behind his back?
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Ok I know, I actually agree with you. I think I'm going to talk to Kyle and give him once more chance to tell him like you said... I honestly hate getting involved with this sort of gossipy shit but Dan really is a good friend and a really nice guy, so I don't know what else to do... ugh.

Anyway, I'll let you guys know what happens.. thanks for the advice as usual.
 
I do agree with that point. If the possibility exists that Kyle's cheating can endanger Dan's saftey and health, then it would be appropriate to tell him the truth.

But I still don't think you should tell him and a way you can make your concerns clear is by grabbing Kyle and confronting him. Tell him that he DID make it public business by making out in public. If you don't tell Dan, there's the possibility that someone else who saw them will.

Also tell him that if he's cheating on Dan, he's risking getting Dan infected with something if he's not being safe. If he wants to be with other people, then he should do it and not string Dan along.
 
I was in a similar situation years ago - my friend was having an affair with a guy who was in a "committed" relationship with another friend of mine. I found out about it via the grapevine and promptly told my friend to end it NOW or a lot of people would be hurt - including one of my friends

It did end but it didn't stop my friend's partner from fooling around. The relationship ended and to this day I still have not confided what I knew to my friend

As for the first friend who was in the affair - that friendship ended because he had no morals
 
I'm inclined to wanna put myself in Dan's shoes. I would definately wanna know whether the doos (swearword for a prick in Afrikaans ;) ) I'm dating is cheating on me. I prolly won't take the news too well, but I won't kill the messenger.

I know people feel differently about this - but do you guys that are advising to stay out of it not wanna know when your SO is cheating on you? I would understand it if it's coming from someone that's not really trustworthy, but from someone you've been friends with for a long time?
 
waynemm said:
I'm inclined to wanna put myself in Dan's shoes. I would definately wanna know whether the doos (swearword for a prick in Afrikaans ;) ) I'm dating is cheating on me. I prolly won't take the news too well, but I won't kill the messenger.

I know people feel differently about this - but do you guys that are advising to stay out of it not wanna know when your SO is cheating on you? I would understand it if it's coming from someone that's not really trustworthy, but from someone you've been friends with for a long time?
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I'm not like most normal people, so yeah, I'd want to know. And there's the thing about telling--a lot of normal people will not hear the news and go "thank you so much for telling me, my good friend. Now excuse me while I get rid of the loser."

No, unfortunately, when it comes to love, people don't make sense. Dan is just as likely to look at Adam and call him a liar. He might even suspect Kyle himself, but not wanting to deal with the truth, he turns on Adam. Then he and Kyle stay together, and they turn all of the other friends in the circle against Adam. Or people find out and everyone starts choosing sides as to who is at fault, should Adam have told, etc. Suddenly, everyone is part of the drama.

Or maybe Adam tells Dan, and Dan believes him. Shocked because he didn't suspect and had not had time to grow to accept the idea, he confronts Kyle and there is violence. Someone gets hurt.

Or Adam tells Dan, and Dan gets rid of Kyle as a boyfriend. Dan gets lonely, resents having to face the truth, turns against Adam anyway. Again, sides are drawn, everyone gets involved, friendships are ruined.

Or Adam tells Dan, and Dan tells Adam to mind his own business. Turns out Dan cheats too.

Or Dan can't handle knowing and kills himself.

Or Adam tells Dan, and Kyle, knowing a little something about Adam's history with guys, lies to Dan and tells him that what really happened was Adam was drunk at the party and put the moves on Kyle. When he was turned down, he threatened to tell Dan if Kyle wouldn't have sex with him. Dan is aghast and believes Kyle (partly because we tend to choose our love over the truth), and now Adam's reputation with his friends is ruined.

People do not act rationally in situations like this. How nice it would be to just tell your friend and have it all work out--but that just doesn't happen as often as it should, and very often it's not the cheater who loses, but the concerned friend who got involved.
 
Killjoke said:
I'm not like most normal people, so yeah, I'd want to know. And there's the thing about telling--a lot of normal people will not hear the news and go "thank you so much for telling me, my good friend. Now excuse me while I get rid of the loser."

No, unfortunately, when it comes to love, people don't make sense. Dan is just as likely to look at Adam and call him a liar. He might even suspect Kyle himself, but not wanting to deal with the truth, he turns on Adam. Then he and Kyle stay together, and they turn all of the other friends in the circle against Adam. Or people find out and everyone starts choosing sides as to who is at fault, should Adam have told, etc. Suddenly, everyone is part of the drama.

Or maybe Adam tells Dan, and Dan believes him. Shocked because he didn't suspect and had not had time to grow to accept the idea, he confronts Kyle and there is violence. Someone gets hurt.

Or Adam tells Dan, and Dan gets rid of Kyle as a boyfriend. Dan gets lonely, resents having to face the truth, turns against Adam anyway. Again, sides are drawn, everyone gets involved, friendships are ruined.

Or Adam tells Dan, and Dan tells Adam to mind his own business. Turns out Dan cheats too.

Or Dan can't handle knowing and kills himself.

Or Adam tells Dan, and Kyle, knowing a little something about Adam's history with guys, lies to Dan and tells him that what really happened was Adam was drunk at the party and put the moves on Kyle. When he was turned down, he threatened to tell Dan if Kyle wouldn't have sex with him. Dan is aghast and believes Kyle (partly because we tend to choose our love over the truth), and now Adam's reputation with his friends is ruined.

People do not act rationally in situations like this. How nice it would be to just tell your friend and have it all work out--but that just doesn't happen as often as it should, and very often it's not the cheater who loses, but the concerned friend who got involved.
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Ok, you officially freaked me out. I wasn't going to say anything anyway, but now I'm definitely not going to... as of now at least.
 
Adam2299 said:
What the hell should I do???
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You should do what's right for you and your friends.

Me, I don't want my friends interferring in my marriage, and unless I'm asked I don't get in the middle of theirs. My relationship with my partner is my business and his, it works for us and we're not interested in advice or "information" from our friends like what you describe. We trust each other and if my partner does something and doesn't tell me, it's probably because he knows I don't need or want to know about it. Nobody knows and understands me and what I want better than my partner.

We really don't know the innerworkings of other people's intimate relationships, or what needs are being fulfilled within it. Unless a friend's behavior endangers someone's health, I don't think we have the right to determine the boundaries of right and wrong for our friend's relationships.

My partner had an affair several years ago; I found out after it was over, from my partner, though he never told me in so many words. I discovered recently that one of my best friends knew about it, and maybe I'm weird this way, but his keeping it to himself made me love and appreciate him all the more. I hadn't known why at the time but he'd been close to my side when my partner was having the affair, I think to be there for me if I needed him, but he didn't inject himself into a situation that didn't involve him. This friend and I are closer than ever, and he and my partner are closer than ever as well, and I think it's in part because we respect each other's marriages even if certain elements don't make sense to us.
 
Thinking about this situation even more, especially after Killjoke's response, I would still not interfere.

If my friend's partner of 10 years was cheating on him and I found out and told my friend, the unfortunate reality is that my friend won't take active steps to find out more, he may simply not believe me. He's so deeply invested in the relationship love-wise and financially that he'll take his partner's word over mine, and I have been friends with my friend for over 20 years - very sad, and makes you realize how much more valuable some people make relationships over friendships despite the length of time involved.

Love makes you do strange things and because of this, this is why I choose to stay out of it. I don't need any more drama in my life by getting involved in the drama of others. I rather use my time to nurture my own relationship.
 
I really appreciate ALL the amazing advice, seriously thank you.

But I have to update you guys now....

On Saturday night I went to a party where I saw both Kyle and Dan and they were arguing all night. At one point I overheard Dan say to my friend Kathryn, "We're just fighting b/c he didn't get to see me all day today b/c I was working." Then Kathryn said "Oh thank god he's not CHEATING on you!" and they both started laughing........ Then Dan says "Oh no way, he would never!" And two other girls next to him said "Of course he wouldn't!" and they all laughed. They were saying it like it was the most obscure thing that could possibly happen (which I would think too if I hadn't baltantly seen him cheating in the first place).

Anyway, I just left.

But it was pretty annoying, I'll tell you that much.
 
Annoying but, it tells you one thing...saying something would very likely be a disaster for you.
 
stay out of there business and you now know what type of person he is. You may want to do a wait and see approach if your other friend is getting walked on. Then you amy rethink and tell him. Hopefully the idot is not haveing sex and then bring it home also. Thats also something to think about , your good freind s safety.
 
Surrealistic scene.

But...What if the guy does find out he's been cheating on and ask you about it? Then you might keep your mouth shut too and hope nobody knows you know about it, because it can cost you a friendship if he finds that out afterwards...You're between two fires, now.
 
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