Is it necessary to “come out”?

[firsttimeagain]

I’m still only curious as far as sex goes, (hopeful and excited that I finally am looking to change that sometime sooner than later). No one night stands for me because it’s been a long time coming as I have always wanted a relationship with another guy, but I’ve never decided to actually search for that until lately. I don’t just want the sex I’ve desired, I want more than that in a full committed monogamous relationship with the right guy. Of course I want all the sex too. Lol.

Is it possible to have that full on committed relationship and just keep it under the radar and between the two of us?

I do not want to change my business relationships and my long time friendships either. Of course spending a lot of time together may make it obvious over time to some people, but that will be what it is. I just want to do my thing and keep my personal business between me and my boyfriend (future boyfriend)… I don’t have yet). Lol. I’m working on respectfully searching to find that right someone through a popular respected online service. I know it will take time, but I am patient and am finally comfortable to begin that journey.

So, after I find this long awaited relationship…”is it possible to not come out to the world”? and live our lives doing our thing? I think so., but I would like to hear from others that have their experiences. I’m not the type to yell from a mountain top or take part in parades and things of that nature. But, it’s been a long time coming for me to finally decide to actively look for it. I’ve always wanted it from the first time I started playing with myself till now, I want sex with a man from now on. I will be good at it because I know what I want. And I’ll be eager to please in every way. Though I have had great relationships with women over the years, I’ve always known and been too nervous of what others would think if they found out. Well I’m not going to tell others, but I feel like I have made big progress coming to the conclusion that “it is time” to make those life long fantasies come true. I’m very straight acting masculine kinda guy and I don’t see that part changing. But, what is changing is my attitude from the inside that I’ve always wanted it. So, why continue to suppress those desires. It is as natural as the day is long. It’s the way I am wired and all I think about. Heterosexual porn does not interest me in the least. And what I thought was a childhood fantasy to suck a cock and eat cum, has become more than that now. Gay porn has opened my mind to get deeper in the full experience and has made me realize, and confirmed, that “I am gay” and I want it all…of course, I knew it from a very very early age anyway. Even the things I never considered years ago are now part of all I want and desire. Kissing a man was never a thought early on, but I want that deeply now. It has to be a part of foreplay and drawing you deeper and more intimate all during sex. I always loved kissing a girl that was sucking my cock and especially after I cum in her mouth. I guess that was another clue that I really wanted cock and cum more than sex with a female. Lol. So, Cum kissing is a must, yes. I think I will be versatile too and good both ways. Not in to crazy perverted or weird stuff, only full on loving gentle respectful kind passionate satisfying each other deeply relationship. Hopefully, I can find someone that has the same desires and wants to share in a deep loving respectful relationship exploring all there is to explore.

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. Sorry I got off base. Is it necessary to “come out”? I don’t think so. Thanks for your input in advance…

 

[LoveMyPeppermill]

Is it possible to have that full on committed relationship and just keep it under the radar and between the two of us?

It's possible, sure. It's what guys did -- when they could find each other -- for centuries. And there's nothing wrong with that.
(Some queer people will disagree and insist that you have to be public, but I don't think there are many of those here at JUB.)

Of course spending a lot of time together may make it obvious over time to some people, but that will be what it is.

Well, that's the thing. If you're in a serious relationship, eventually other people in your life will figure that out. You ought to be able to be just as casual about it as straight people are about their spouses: some mention it a lot, others barely at all, but they never think much about it; they just do it.

What would be bad would be making deliberate efforts to hide your relationship, or, worse, actively deceive people by telling them you're seeing a woman. That's a miserable way to have to live.

 

[firsttimeagain]

It's possible, sure. It's what guys did -- when they could find each other -- for centuries. And there's nothing wrong with that.
(Some queer people will disagree and insist that you have to be public, but I don't think there are many of those here at JUB.)




Well, that's the thing. If you're in a serious relationship, eventually other people in your life will figure that out. You ought to be able to be just as casual about it as straight people are about their spouses: some mention it a lot, others barely at all, but they never think much about it; they just do it.

What would be bad would be making deliberate efforts to hide your relationship, or, worse, actively deceive people by telling them you're seeing a woman. That's a miserable way to have to live.

Thanks for the insightful input, all seems reasonable. I will cross those bridges when I get there. For now, I’m loosely searching on a dating relationship format not a hook up app. Not sure where else to consider? Not interested in a one night stand. Once will never be enough anyway. Lol

 

[LoveMyPeppermill]

Don't forget that you will probably have to kiss a few frogs before you find your prince.

You may even kiss someone you thought was a prince and learn later that you were mistaken and he was a frog all along.

It's happened to almost all of us.

I suppose that's no different from heterosexual relationships.

 

[TX-Beau]

I'm going to disagree. Sure, many men have lived in the closet because they were forced to stay there. Go back and read what that cost them.

The closet is a lie. It's dishonesty. That is a basic fact. In order to live in one you have to deceive everyone around you about who you really are. It's not like that's a foolproof strategy in the first place. Usually, any number of people already suspect. We are never as clever as we think we are.

Gay people don't condemn other gay people in the closet because we understand. But that is not an endorsement. Another truth is that you aren't going to find happily ever after with a decent prospect when you tell him he has to lie to his family and friends and never be able to stand by your side. That his love of you must be hidden away in the dark where no one will ever see it. What kind of message does that send? A whole lot of gay men will not commit to someone in the closet

Should YOU come out? who knows, only you can make choices for your life. Only you know you. We all make that choice alone. But let's not pretend that there are no costs for living a closeted life, or that the reasons we are in closets to begin with are benign. We live in closets because we are afraid the cost of leaving them is higher than the cost of hiding. That is the basic truth of the closet.

In the world we live in, straight people are outing themselves all the damn time. It's everywhere you look, in the job market, friendship, and family relations. Every time one of them takes their kids to the grocery store they are outing themselves to bunches of complete strangers. People on the T.V. and the internet out themselves to millions and millions of people they will never know. Pop culture, music, and art, every facet of human life is saturated by people outing themselves. To everyone. Everywhere. PUBLICLY with no pretension that human relationships are somehow "private."

Why is it that the gay ones are the only ones that have to be hidden?

 

[KaraBulut]

You know, sometimes it's important to take things one step at a time.

In reading through your initial post, this is what I got:

1. You've been gay-curious for a while but today, you haven't really tried anything.
2. You are interested in a relationship.
3. When you get into a relationship, you're looking for something "hetereonormative", where you are partnered and cohabitate, etc.
4. You don't want to advertise that your long-term same-sex partner and you do the nasty when your friends and family aren't around.
5. You're wanting to know if this is possible.

The answer to #5 is "Yes". You... and your partner... can make whatever arrangements you both agree to.

Which brings us to #1. You haven't gotten past #1, so #2 through #5 are all purely theoretical. While it's good that you're thinking about these things, the energy is probably better spent working on #1/#2 and less on #3 through #5.

Relationships are hard. And honestly, you're planning all of this and making a big mistake in not realizing that your (one-day hopefully) partner is going to have an opinion and his opinion will matter just as much as your opinion does.

When you do get to that bridge and you are ready to cross it, one piece of advice: don't lie. Don't lie to yourself. Don't lie to your partner. Don't lie to the important people in your life (i.e. the family and friends who matter).

 

[firsttimeagain]

You know, sometimes it's important to take things one step at a time.

In reading through your initial post, this is what I got:

1. You've been gay-curious for a while but today, you haven't really tried anything.
2. You are interested in a relationship.
3. When you get into a relationship, you're looking for something "hetereonormative", where you are partnered and cohabitate, etc.
4. You don't want to advertise that your long-term same-sex partner and you do the nasty when your friends and family aren't around.
5. You're wanting to know if this is possible.

The answer to #5 is "Yes". You... and your partner... can make whatever arrangements you both agree to.

Which brings us to #1. You haven't gotten past #1, so #2 through #5 are all purely theoretical. While it's good that you're thinking about these things, the energy is probably better spent working on #1/#2 and less on #3 through #5.

Relationships are hard. And honestly, you're planning all of this and making a big mistake in not realizing that your (one-day hopefully) partner is going to have an opinion and his opinion will matter just as much as your opinion does.

When you do get to that bridge and you are ready to cross it, one piece of advice: don't lie. Don't lie to yourself. Don't lie to your partner. Don't lie to the important people in your life (i.e. the family and friends who matter).

You are correct. I guess gay curious is where I’ve been stuck for many many years. Though in my mind I am gay, I guess I am not until I actually have experienced the physical sex with another man. I am working on #1 & #2 but it is too slow for my liking at this point. I joined a relationship service online and I’m sure that will be a long process finding the right situation. Truly, I have know idea where to start. Any suggestions would be appreciated. I want the sexual part but I don’t want a hookup or a one night stand either. That’s why a relationship seems to make more sense. Though relationships can be difficult too I guess. Lol. It’s a crazy place to be, but finally excepting it as being real and trying to move in that direction to make it real, is a big deal for me. It is forward progress because until now I have suppressed it and only fantasized about it and looked around at videos wishing it was me. I want it now like never before, hence the courage to even admit it and interact here to find advice. You are correct, the rest is theoretical and “ IF” I were in that situation. All the other bridges I can cross when it’s time to. Thank you so much for your input. At this point I really have no prospects. I think it would be amazing just to be able to talk to someone in person that is likeminded. We will see. Hopefully sooner than later. Thanks again…

 

[pigface]

You do not need to announce or proclaiming your sexual preference.
Nobody needs to be told.
Any guy you ask out will figure it out right away, and for everyone else, they can interpret or name your actions according to their own needs.

 

[LoveMyPeppermill]

I want the sexual part but I don’t want a hookup or a one night stand either. That’s why a relationship seems to make more sense.

Well, that's basically the way that most heterosexual relationships go, so maybe whatever experience you have dating women is more applicable than you might think,

 

[firsttimeagain]

You do not need to announce or proclaiming your sexual preference.
Nobody needs to be told.
Any guy you ask out will figure it out right away, and for everyone else, they can interpret or name your actions according to their own needs.

That’s pretty much how I have perceived it all along. The problem for me is “asking” a guy out. Unfortunately. I have zero prospects and no clue how to change that. I know plenty of guys but most are married and I’m not attracted to them in that way anyway. It’s the same dilemma I have faced for years. Hence the reason for trying a dating service to find likeminded guys. I guess that is a step in that direction. We will see…

 

[firsttimeagain]

Well, that's basically the way that most heterosexual relationships go, so maybe whatever experience you have dating women is more applicable than you might think,

Well that is the only experience I have had is dating women. So, I guess that is why I view it like I do. It’s a strange place to be because I have always wanted sex with another guy secretly, always. But I have always had girlfriends and have been been in some great relationships. However, that is not what I want now. It’s time to stop suppressing it and start exploring those desires. Hopefully I can find a way to bridge between all I know and all I hope for…

 

[KaraBulut]

Well that is the only experience I have had is dating women. So, I guess that is why I view it like I do. It’s a strange place to be because I have always wanted sex with another guy secretly, always. But I have always had girlfriends and have been been in some great relationships. However, that is not what I want now. It’s time to stop suppressing it and start exploring those desires. Hopefully I can find a way to bridge between all I know and all I hope for…

Dating is dating, at least in more urban areas. It gets a little more complicated in rural and conservative areas.

The difference is that dating guys doesn't have as many assumed rules. With dating women, unless otherwise stated, it's assume everyone is being monogamous. It's the opposite with guys- monogamy or the terms of an open relationship are negotiable.

One thing that I would caution you about on expectations: there are very few things that don't require practice. Sure, there are probably people who are able to ride a bike without training wheels on the first time out but most of us had to learn the hard way, which includes a few crashes and skinned knees along the way. You should go into dating guys with the same expectation: you're learning, you're not going to get it right the first few times and there's going to be some hurt before you get the hang of it.

 

[firsttimeagain]

Dating is dating, at least in more urban areas. It gets a little more complicated in rural and conservative areas.

The difference is that dating guys doesn't have as many assumed rules. With dating women, unless otherwise stated, it's assume everyone is being monogamous. It's the opposite with guys- monogamy or the terms of an open relationship are negotiable.

One thing that I would caution you about on expectations: there are very few things that don't require practice. Sure, there are probably people who are able to ride a bike without training wheels on the first time out but most of us had to learn the hard way, which includes a few crashes and skinned knees along the way. You should go into dating guys with the same expectation: you're learning, you're not going to get it right the first few times and there's going to be some hurt before you get the hang of it.

Definitely in a conservative area. Monogamous would be preferred from a safety standpoint. I’m sure you are fully correct that I will not get it right the first time or for awhile. Practice dating guys is one thing I’m sure…and practice sexually is another. I want the sex deeply, but I want it to have meaning too. I fully expect to learn the hard way. It’s the only way to find what is right. I am patient, but I look forward to negotiating through some challenges to find what is right for me. Hopefully the lustful side of my desires want get in the way of good decisions. Lol

 

[Biggijstar]

I will say be prepared for your heart to be broken and understand that you gonna go through a lot. Gay men most of the time are gonna be hos

 

[firsttimeagain]

I will say be prepared for your heart to be broken and understand that you gonna go through a lot. Gay men most of the time are gonna be hos

I guess that’s one reason I’m still only curious. Not into playing games and not into being promiscuous. Even though the desire is deep, Got to be safe…

 

[Biggijstar]

I guess that’s one reason I’m still only curious. Not into playing games and not into being promiscuous. Even though the desire is deep, Got to be safe…

Have some fun if you find out men aren't your thing at least you gave it a shot

 

[TX-Beau]

If all you're finding are users and douchebags, that says more about the guys one is picking and where one is looking than any statement on gay men in general. If one is trolling hook-up apps, one shouldn't be surprised if what one finds are hook-ups.

Slut shaming people for promiscuity is judgmental and petty. Doing that doesn't help find a guy to have a relationship with.

Many guys have come in here over the years saying they want meaningful relationships, and my personal experience is that most guys are open to the idea, so obviously, those guys are out there. But that does mean those of us wanting a relationship are going to have to say we are available. No one will date you if they don't know you're interested.

And yeah, have some fun along the way.

 

[Biggijstar]

If all you're finding are users and douchebags, that says more about the guys one is picking and where one is looking than any statement on gay men in general. If one is trolling hook-up apps, one shouldn't be surprised if what one finds are hook-ups.

Slut shaming people for promiscuity is judgmental and petty. Doing that doesn't help find a guy to have a relationship with.

Many guys have come in here over the years saying they want meaningful relationships, and my personal experience is that most guys are open to the idea, so obviously, those guys are out there. But that does mean those of us wanting a relationship are going to have to say we are available. No one will date you if they don't know you're interested.

And yeah, have some fun along the way.

 

[Dicklovingdave]

I’m still only curious as far as sex goes, (hopeful and excited that I finally am looking to change that sometime sooner than later). No one night stands for me because it’s been a long time coming as I have always wanted a relationship with another guy, but I’ve never decided to actually search for that until lately. I don’t just want the sex I’ve desired, I want more than that in a full committed monogamous relationship with the right guy. Of course I want all the sex too. Lol.

Is it possible to have that full on committed relationship and just keep it under the radar and between the two of us?

I do not want to change my business relationships and my long time friendships either. Of course spending a lot of time together may make it obvious over time to some people, but that will be what it is. I just want to do my thing and keep my personal business between me and my boyfriend (future boyfriend)… I don’t have yet). Lol. I’m working on respectfully searching to find that right someone through a popular respected online service. I know it will take time, but I am patient and am finally comfortable to begin that journey.

So, after I find this long awaited relationship…”is it possible to not come out to the world”? and live our lives doing our thing? I think so., but I would like to hear from others that have their experiences. I’m not the type to yell from a mountain top or take part in parades and things of that nature. But, it’s been a long time coming for me to finally decide to actively look for it. I’ve always wanted it from the first time I started playing with myself till now, I want sex with a man from now on. I will be good at it because I know what I want. And I’ll be eager to please in every way. Though I have had great relationships with women over the years, I’ve always known and been too nervous of what others would think if they found out. Well I’m not going to tell others, but I feel like I have made big progress coming to the conclusion that “it is time” to make those life long fantasies come true. I’m very straight acting masculine kinda guy and I don’t see that part changing. But, what is changing is my attitude from the inside that I’ve always wanted it. So, why continue to suppress those desires. It is as natural as the day is long. It’s the way I am wired and all I think about. Heterosexual porn does not interest me in the least. And what I thought was a childhood fantasy to suck a cock and eat cum, has become more than that now. Gay porn has opened my mind to get deeper in the full experience and has made me realize, and confirmed, that “I am gay” and I want it all…of course, I knew it from a very very early age anyway. Even the things I never considered years ago are now part of all I want and desire. Kissing a man was never a thought early on, but I want that deeply now. It has to be a part of foreplay and drawing you deeper and more intimate all during sex. I always loved kissing a girl that was sucking my cock and especially after I cum in her mouth. I guess that was another clue that I really wanted cock and cum more than sex with a female. Lol. So, Cum kissing is a must, yes. I think I will be versatile too and good both ways. Not in to crazy perverted or weird stuff, only full on loving gentle respectful kind passionate satisfying each other deeply relationship. Hopefully, I can find someone that has the same desires and wants to share in a deep loving respectful relationship exploring all there is to explore.

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. Sorry I got off base. Is it necessary to “come out”? I don’t think so. Thanks for your

input in advance…

Like you, I am in a position to finally enjoy "full-on, anything goes"- sex with a man on a more intimate level. I have had a friend with benefits for the last 11 years and we have been able to get together about 3 or 4 times a month over the years. This has allowed me the benefit of exploring everything I've wanted to at the pace I've wanted to with someone I trust. We've had threesomes with a woman and with a man. Our families have been friends so he and I have been able to take advantage of that and it doesn't seem weird for us to get together. I'd like to have someone spend the night often and shower with me and yes, live together... would be wonderful. I'm single, have been for awhile. Anyway, COMING OUT IS TOTALLY OPTIONAL. Anyome who days different doesn't value privacy and discretion. Especially if both men want discretion. Sounds heavenly

 

[TX-Beau]

Hiding in a closet is neither "privacy" nor "discretion." It's fear. No place on this planet are romantic relationships private. Nowhere, in fact, they are extremely and brazenly public.

Why then are we calling hiding the gay ones "private?"

Privacy is not talking about who's cock is in who's asshole.

Discretion s not fucking on the street.

Lying about with whom you are partnered is dishonesty. No one consistently does this but people in same-sex relationships. Why?

One can certainly choose to live that life, but let's not pretend - even to ourselves that it's anything but what it is.