Is it necessary to “come out”?

[hughie63]

No if you have set a great life and are happy why come out. People don't realize that coming out actually ruins lives

Absolutely. We can be selective. A blanket declaration can be an act of extreme selfishness. Love me regardless. I love my life and I have no wish to place any part of it in jeopardy because other people I care about don't align.

 

[TX-Beau]

Some of you have incredibly bizarre ideas about what coming out looks like. You're just fooling yourself if you think anyone has ever gathered "everyone" together and made a "blanket declaration," whatever that might be. That kind of thing sounds suspiciously like a hyperbolic justification about how an individual person might personally be uncomfortable with their own selves.

This is how it generally goes. You tell a couple of people, usually starting with just one, and eventually you tell some more. Eventually, it gets around your friends, and they may or may not ask about it. Ultimately, it's easier to tell the moment it's relevant to people and skip the conversation entirely.

 

[TX-Beau]

Absolutely. We can be selective. A blanket declaration can be an act of extreme selfishness. Love me regardless. I love my life and I have no wish to place any part of it in jeopardy because other people I care about don't align.

Bizarre, coming out is selfishness. That's absurd.

 

[firsttimeagain]

I’m only crossing that bridge one step at a time, so I’m not sure. But, I think everyone has their own way that is unique. What’s good for one may not be good for another. I’m only coming out as much as I need to to take the next step. So, I think I understand his thoughts and respect that. Where I am right now it aligns with my thoughts in becoming more comfortable with being gay and taking it one day at a time. I’ll let you know as my experience grows. I’m light years beyond where I was a year ago…

 

[TX-Beau]

I’m only crossing that bridge one step at a time, so I’m not sure. But, I think everyone has their own way that is unique. What’s good for one may not be good for another. I’m only coming out as much as I need to to take the next step. So, I think I understand his thoughts and respect that. Where I am right now it aligns with my thoughts in becoming more comfortable with being gay and taking it one day at a time. I’ll let you know as my experience grows. I’m light years beyond where I was a year ago…

The similarities outweigh the differences. Everyone starts small; for all of us, it's a process that takes time. No one goes from totally closeted to absolutely out in an afternoon of "Blanket Declaration." Everyone who was in the closet told themselves the same kinds of things along the way.

We're all coming out for the rest of our lives. That is a fundamental fact for every human. It's part of the social contract. I share my life with you, you share your life with me. That's how functional relationships of all kinds work.

There's also different kinds of closet, half in/half out, Bi guys who just like to fuck and that's all they'll ever do. Fully closeted in places where it is politically dangerous for various reasons, on and on. But the essential truth is what I said upthread, we are in the closet because we fear the cost of coming out is higher than the cost of staying in.

Kara upthread was talking about the differences between today's kids and all the rest of us at the same age. The fundamental difference is that they see no need to hide themselves in the first place because the spectrum for them is all "normal." I do agree with that to an extent, but that does underscore that the closet is unbreakably tied to negative bigotries about queerness, not whatever justification we can and do to use to disguise that.

We can say that to people, and do, and explain why the closet is harmful, and then get accused of whatever fanciful agenda the closeted person invents to not hear it. Another absolute similarity is that no one closeted will hear any of that until they are ready to, and no one can force anyone else out of a closet. Even if one is outed publicly, if we aren't ready to come out, we won't.

What you're describing for yourself is the path the vast majority of us followed, and the way you talk about it is not only healthy for yourself but also shows progress, which is all anyone is hoping for people in the closet.

It's some false position to think that any of us - who fucking know precisely what closeted people experience in an intimate and very personal way, are somehow trying to force anyone to do anything. It's dangerous to try to force someone out. So we participate in these discussions, and sometimes people are ready to hear, and hopefully, this is of some small encouragement. It certainly helped me when I realized an entire community of men clearly understood where I was coming from.

Plus, I started getting laid a lot.

 

[firsttimeagain]

The similarities outweigh the differences. Everyone starts small; for all of us, it's a process that takes time. No one goes from totally closeted to absolutely out in an afternoon of "Blanket Declaration." Everyone who was in the closet told themselves the same kinds of things along the way.

We're all coming out for the rest of our lives. That is a fundamental fact for every human. It's part of the social contract. I share my life with you, you share your life with me. That's how functional relationships of all kinds work.

There's also different kinds of closet, half in/half out, Bi guys who just like to fuck and that's all they'll ever do. Fully closeted in places where it is politically dangerous for various reasons, on and on. But the essential truth is what I said upthread, we are in the closet because we fear the cost of coming out is higher than the cost of staying in.

Kara upthread was talking about the differences between today's kids and all the rest of us at the same age. The fundamental difference is that they see no need to hide themselves in the first place because the spectrum for them is all "normal." I do agree with that to an extent, but that does underscore that the closet is unbreakably tied to negative bigotries about queerness, not whatever justification we can and do to use to disguise that.

We can say that to people, and do, and explain why the closet is harmful, and then get accused of whatever fanciful agenda the closeted person invents to not hear it. Another absolute similarity is that no one closeted will hear any of that until they are ready to, and no one can force anyone else out of a closet. Even if one is outed publicly, if we aren't ready to come out, we won't.

What you're describing for yourself is the path the vast majority of us followed, and the way you talk about it is not only healthy for yourself but also shows progress, which is all anyone is hoping for people in the closet.

It's some false position to think that any of us - who fucking know precisely what closeted people experience in an intimate and very personal way, are somehow trying to force anyone to do anything. It's dangerous to try to force someone out. So we participate in these discussions, and sometimes people are ready to hear, and hopefully, this is of some small encouragement. It certainly helped me when I realized an entire community of men clearly understood where I was coming from.

Plus, I started getting laid a lot.

Makes sense in many ways. For me it took a long time to get here. I’ve known I was gay from really early. I just didn’t know why. I was gay and knew it from very young but I didn’t even know guys thought about the things I did. It just came natural, I didn’t think about it as gay because I didn’t know anything. I just wanted cock and cum always. it’s the only thing I thought about and was too young to realize it.

But, I went a traditional route with girls. Not because I wanted it so much as other friends were doing it. So I did too. But, I never stopped thinking about sucking a cock and fucking a guy. Even while with a girl, I was fantasizing it was with a guy. Every time. So, as I got older I realized I was gay. So I didn’t want a girlfriend. I pleased myself jacking off and fantasizing what I wanted. I would cum on my face eating my cum and just loved it. I couldn’t get enough of it.

So the path was long and slow because I never met that guy I thought would understand. So I stayed in the closet.

As time has passed I knew it wasn’t a passing thing. It never went away it just got stronger. I love the male body and the more I opened up to myself I started finally realizing that is who I am. I want to be with a man always. Not just sex I want to spend time with a man and enjoy the company. Of course the sex is the root of loving the male body, but knowing I can now fall for a guy to be my man in life is seriously mind blowing. I didn’t think I could kiss a guy for years, but I would be satisfied hugging and kissing for hours.

So yes, I’m coming out at my own pace. But, when I find the right guy I’m not going to hide it from anyone. Because everyone will know anyway. If you spend all your time with the same guy coming and going together, that’s going to be hard to hide. Especially going home together staying together overnight. Someone’s going to call me and ask me where I am and I’m going to say over at ————‘s house. Or he is at my house. I’m looking forward to crossing that bridge.

So, I appreciate your thoughts and encouragement. It’s my on pace, but it has helped tremendously being here interacting. I may not agree with everything I read, but I realized i’m not alone and that has helped too.

I don’t think I’ll ever be fully in the gay community in parades, and that kind of thing. Just not my style. But, yes realizing there is a community of others makes it easier.

And I’m looking forward to getting laid a lot. Lol. I’ve got a lot of catching up to do…

 

[72-Jay]

I don't see it being necessary, but rather something each individual guy should decide for himself (its also the fact it doesn't need to be like a lightswitch where its totally out or totally closeted, but rather a matter of "how out...").

As for me: I'm for the most part not out, but not totally closeted either. I'll readily admit I support gay rights & such, but as a general thing I wouldn't admit to being bi (that would be reserved for a *very* limited people). I also do go to pridefest which yeah there is some risk of your life going to such events... but I enjoy going so a risk taken (and there is an advantage to being a dull boring individual that doesn't stand out in a crowd)

If I ever had a boyfriend (something I'd quite like to have, but the chances are very unlikely of it happening) ... that I'd have to keep quiet, for family/neighbors/etc he's "just a friend" (one they would never meet)
Really for a relationship, I'd more want something more along the line of cuddle-buddy or "relationship based on love, not sex"

I am by far not out. Though I am making progress and I am coming out more than I have ever been. That doesn’t mean I’m advertising it to everyone. I am masculine and I’m looking for masculine. I’m not interested in walking in parades or hanging out at priceless or whatever. So, I guess I’ll never be fully out.

But, I’m more open and surly more out than I’ve ever been in terms of looking for a guy. My radar is always out and if I am interested I will surely not let an opportunity pass me by.

The few apps and sites I’ve tried have thus far been a waste of time and money for the most part. But, I am OUT on those platforms. So, others might see me that I might not otherwise come out to, but that’s part of it. I’m not ashamed of where I am. As a matter of fact, I’m really relieved and super excited that I’m actively looking.

For those that don’t need to know, I’m not telling them. If they find out in time, the so be it. I love where I am. It’s exciting to think about the possibilities that are to come.

I understand the cuddle buddy and love part which is why I’ve accepted that I’m gay. I do want more than sex, but I do want sex a lot. Lol. That’s obviously the reason I’m 100% attracted to men. Yes I’ve tried relationships with women. But, I know without a shadow of a doubt that I’m not attracted to women in that way. I guess it took those experiences to make me realize what I really want. I do not desire sex with females.

Seems like it was too complicated trying to hide behind that. I would be fine keeping it quiet, but I would also not hide it now. I’m just more open now to let it be what it is. If I find that special guy, people are going to know without us tell them. I will be fine with that when I cross that bridge. Thanks again…

I skip the parades at pride events & just go to the festival part. Just one of those things I enjoy doing.

I've never used any of the apps.. those so-called "dating apps" aren't made for dating, they're hookup apps. (and I have no interest in random hookups, its not my thing)
Also I avoid *any* app that requires payment of any type....and lets face it, most "free" apps are basically malware with all the ads/spy/tracking/etc crap in them.

I have some attraction to both girls & guys (though stronger towards guys). So I consider myself bi. If the right girl came along, I feel I could be in a relationship... but that would deff be more of a snuggle-buddy or me being the "asexual boyfriend" type thing (though I would still want monogamy, just like with a guy).

 

[hughie63]

Bizarre, coming out is selfishness. That's absurd.

I didn't say it is. I said it CAN be. I said be selective. It isn't black or white.

 

[TX-Beau]

I didn't say it is. I said it CAN be. I said be selective. It isn't black or white.

That's a meaningless quibble. It's possible I CAN BE a fundamentalist preacher. It's not fucking likely, anytime an argument is justified with that kind of of vague supposition, it usually means that it's precisely what it looks like on it's face.

Calling coming out selfishness is pretty black and white. If you feel you're being misunderstood, you might try explaining in another way.

 

[Biggijstar]

That's a meaningless quibble. It's possible I CAN BE a fundamentalist preacher. It's not fucking likely, anytime an argument is justified with that kind of of vague supposition, it usually means that it's precisely what it looks like on it's face.

Calling coming out selfishness is pretty black and white. If you feel you're being misunderstood, you might try explaining in another way.

I can understand what he saying. Coming out is a double handed sword. Yeah you are free and able to be yourself but what cost and a lot of time being gay doesn't mean happiness either

 

[TX-Beau]

I can understand what he saying. Coming out is a double handed sword. Yeah you are free and able to be yourself but what cost and a lot of time being gay doesn't mean happiness either

Gay, Straight, Bi, has nothing to do with happiness or sadness. I will assert, however, that you have a better chance at happiness when you aren't isolated by hiding and cannot be supported by people who know the real you.

The gist of that post was his characterization of coming out as selfishness. That has nothing to do with coming out, happiness, or who we are. It's an unfounded assertion he refused to explain.

 

[cumlover91]

Interesting question. Personally, I never "came out" in the sense that I didn't go to my parents or family or friends and say "hey, i want to let you know that i like men." I just showed up with a bf or i would casually talk about a boy i liked or a hot guy i saw. Now granted, this is obviously coming from a place of privilege since I knew my friends and family would have no issues with it so there was no fear that i would lose people. For a lot of my family and friends, they told me they knew before even i did so i had it pretty easy. I would say that at the end of the day, you are the only one who can live your life and you should try and live it as true/ authentic as possible. Obviously easier said than done.