Is it necessary to “come out”?

[firsttimeagain]

Like you, I am in a position to finally enjoy "full-on, anything goes"- sex with a man on a more intimate level. I have had a friend with benefits for the last 11 years and we have been able to get together about 3 or 4 times a month over the years. This has allowed me the benefit of exploring everything I've wanted to at the pace I've wanted to with someone I trust. We've had threesomes with a woman and with a man. Our families have been friends so he and I have been able to take advantage of that and it doesn't seem weird for us to get together. I'd like to have someone spend the night often and shower with me and yes, live together... would be wonderful. I'm single, have been for awhile. Anyway, COMING OUT IS TOTALLY OPTIONAL. Anyome who days different doesn't value privacy and discretion. Especially if both men want discretion. Sounds heavenly

Yes, I’m in the position to finally enjoy full on sex and an intimate relationship with a guy. For me, it’s just how to find that situation. Locally it seems impossible and eharmony was/is a waist of time and money. I only wish I would have had a friend with benefits along the way. I’d like to have one now…that would be a great start. I do want more than that but, at this point I need to break the ice somehow. Still being safe of course. I’ll stick with discretion and see what happens later. Thanks for your input…

 

[MusicMan321]

It's not a thing if you need to come out and tell people that's your business whether or not

 

[firsttimeagain]

It's not a thing if you need to come out and tell people that's your business whether or not

Yep. I only want to come out to like minded guys. Otherwise, it’s no one else’s business.

 

[magicdick]

No. What makes you think it is neccessary to come out? Pressure from others? "Others" should have no say in how you present yourself to the world. For many valid personal reasons I don't tell the world how much I love sucking cock, and swallowing cum, and, especially, getting fucked. And, boy, do I love it!

 

[firsttimeagain]

I will try this again…

 

[firsttimeagain]

Like you, I am in a position to finally enjoy "full-on, anything goes"- sex with a man on a more intimate level. I have had a friend with benefits for the last 11 years and we have been able to get together about 3 or 4 times a month over the years. This has allowed me the benefit of exploring everything I've wanted to at the pace I've wanted to with someone I trust. We've had threesomes with a woman and with a man. Our families have been friends so he and I have been able to take advantage of that and it doesn't seem weird for us to get together. I'd like to have someone spend the night often and shower with me and yes, live together... would be wonderful. I'm single, have been for awhile. Anyway, COMING OUT IS TOTALLY OPTIONAL. Anyome who days different doesn't value privacy and discretion. Especially if both men want discretion. Sounds heavenly

Wow , I only wish I had someone to experiment with like you. Friends with benefits unfortunately has never happened for me. But, even being in the closet curious for all these years it’s been difficult. After finally coming to terms with my sexuality, it has been easier for me to truly look around with open eyes. I have always been gay and I always knew it, but I was scared to act on it thinking that people would not except it. I am just at a point now that everything is crystal clear that I’m gay and can’t wait to find the right guy. As far as coming out…I guess I am coming out, at least here and a few other places that I’ve visited in my search. A number of years ago, I would not have ever consider that. It’s been in evolution for quite a while. But, talking about it openly here with others has changed everything. My realization of who I am and what I want in a relationship now is what I’ve always wanted but was in denial. When i actually happens, I will cross the bridge of who to tell or not. Once again, I may not shout it from the mountaintop or walk in a parade, but I won’t hide it either. As time passes and I become more comfortable with my true desires both physically and emotionally, it is so incredibly gratifying to finally admit it and start opening up. I am realizing that I’m not as concerned with who knows or what other people will think. I started this thread July 2023. Though I’m still not in a relationship or I’ve still not had sex with another man, I have changed. I will not let an opportunity go by ever again without letting someone know I am interested. The relationship will take time and I know that. I am not going to be promiscuous, and I will be safe in all I do, but i’m going to let things happen as it will. And that process, I have come out enough, at least for those prospects to know I am gay. Wish me luck because it is going to happen. In a conversation, a guy told me that I need to have sex and let the relationship happen. At the time he told me that I was not real sure about that thinking I needed to wait on the perfect relationship. Now, I think he was completely correct. I’m not likely to find that relationship if I’m not open to it. So, being here in conversation, I’m coming out, having that conversation with a real person felt great, it’s coming out. At least to some degree. I am becoming more and more OK with that idea. otherwise, I will be hiding in the closet from now on. that’s not going to happen either. I am proud of the progress I have made even though it has been slow. I’m ready to come out with the right person and if that brings it out for everyone else to see and know, I’m OK with that too. That is huge progress if I shall say so myself...

 

[firsttimeagain]

Hiding in a closet is neither "privacy" nor "discretion." It's fear. No place on this planet are romantic relationships private. Nowhere, in fact, they are extremely and brazenly public.

Why then are we calling hiding the gay ones "private?"

Privacy is not talking about who's cock is in who's asshole.

Discretion s not fucking on the street.

Lying about with whom you are partnered is dishonesty. No one consistently does this but people in same-sex relationships. Why?

One can certainly choose to live that life, but let's not pretend - even to ourselves that it's anything but what it is.

You are correct. I’ve been in fear. If you have read the previous post or other things I posted since starting this thread, my thoughts have changed as I continue to grow. Privacy. Yes, discretion yes, but the part of lying about who I am has being dishonest with myself. Much less when I find that partner I realize, that dishonesty would not work for a lasting relationship. Early on in my journey, I thought hiding it would be fine and would not hurt anybody. However, I don’t wanna live like that either and I do not want to pretend that it is anything other than what it is. It’s taking a long time to develop a different outlook and the more time that it’s taken me in the coming out process the more realistic it is that a lasting relationship cannot be hidden in dishonesty. It’s obvious I’m coming out here. And it’s obvious on a few dating sites, I’m coming out. And it’s obvious that anyone I get together with to talk and date and build a relationship with, it is coming out. I’m not pretending anymore to myself or anyone, That has taken me a good bit of time, but I’m getting there. Being honest with myself, and admitting it to myself, changed everything. Instead of focusing on hiding the secret, it’s allowed me to see things in a different light, opening my eyes to the possibilities around me feels really good. Of course I’m not there yet, but I’m not hiding behind it anymore. I’m coming out slowly but surely and can’t express how thankful I am for all of you guys to interact with me here. Your words and opinions have helped greatly. Honestly, it’s my confidence that has changed in the process. I have more to offer than I ever realized. Not sure why it took so long to get where I am now. But I’m really happy with where I am and who I am. I don’t have that fear anymore. I’m coming out more everyday and it feels good. I’m going to be good at it too…

 

[firsttimeagain]

No. What makes you think it is neccessary to come out? Pressure from others? "Others" should have no say in how you present yourself to the world. For many valid personal reasons I don't tell the world how much I love sucking cock, and swallowing cum, and, especially, getting fucked. And, boy, do I love it!

How I present myself to the world may not change much. But, the honesty in which I accept myself now is different. Again, I want be telling everybody how much I love to suck cock and eat cum. Or, fucking a nice tight ass or getting my ass fucked by a man. Those are the things that will be private with my partner. But, the fact that I am gay is going to be hard to hide as I move forward. I’m OK with that now. I used to be scared of what others would think. I’m not anymore. Those people can think what they want to think. I want the emotional connection as much as I want the sex now. I want the deep friendship and of course the sex is a given. I want gay sex exclusively and I’m not ashamed of that like I used to be. So, the coming out process has gradually become more gratifying as I accepted who I am. I can’t wait to share and talk about all that we love do to each other…

 

[hughie63]

I’m still only curious as far as sex goes, (hopeful and excited that I finally am looking to change that sometime sooner than later). No one night stands for me because it’s been a long time coming as I have always wanted a relationship with another guy, but I’ve never decided to actually search for that until lately. I don’t just want the sex I’ve desired, I want more than that in a full committed monogamous relationship with the right guy. Of course I want all the sex too. Lol.

Is it possible to have that full on committed relationship and just keep it under the radar and between the two of us?

I do not want to change my business relationships and my long time friendships either. Of course spending a lot of time together may make it obvious over time to some people, but that will be what it is. I just want to do my thing and keep my personal business between me and my boyfriend (future boyfriend)… I don’t have yet). Lol. I’m working on respectfully searching to find that right someone through a popular respected online service. I know it will take time, but I am patient and am finally comfortable to begin that journey.

So, after I find this long awaited relationship…”is it possible to not come out to the world”? and live our lives doing our thing? I think so., but I would like to hear from others that have their experiences. I’m not the type to yell from a mountain top or take part in parades and things of that nature. But, it’s been a long time coming for me to finally decide to actively look for it. I’ve always wanted it from the first time I started playing with myself till now, I want sex with a man from now on. I will be good at it because I know what I want. And I’ll be eager to please in every way. Though I have had great relationships with women over the years, I’ve always known and been too nervous of what others would think if they found out. Well I’m not going to tell others, but I feel like I have made big progress coming to the conclusion that “it is time” to make those life long fantasies come true. I’m very straight acting masculine kinda guy and I don’t see that part changing. But, what is changing is my attitude from the inside that I’ve always wanted it. So, why continue to suppress those desires. It is as natural as the day is long. It’s the way I am wired and all I think about. Heterosexual porn does not interest me in the least. And what I thought was a childhood fantasy to suck a cock and eat cum, has become more than that now. Gay porn has opened my mind to get deeper in the full experience and has made me realize, and confirmed, that “I am gay” and I want it all…of course, I knew it from a very very early age anyway. Even the things I never considered years ago are now part of all I want and desire. Kissing a man was never a thought early on, but I want that deeply now. It has to be a part of foreplay and drawing you deeper and more intimate all during sex. I always loved kissing a girl that was sucking my cock and especially after I cum in her mouth. I guess that was another clue that I really wanted cock and cum more than sex with a female. Lol. So, Cum kissing is a must, yes. I think I will be versatile too and good both ways. Not in to crazy perverted or weird stuff, only full on loving gentle respectful kind passionate satisfying each other deeply relationship. Hopefully, I can find someone that has the same desires and wants to share in a deep loving respectful relationship exploring all there is to explore.

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. Sorry I got off base. Is it necessary to “come out”? I don’t think so. Thanks for your input in advance…

If anyone asks my sexuality, I'll tell them it's none of their business unless it's relevant to the conversation. They can make their own mind up and may or may not guess correctly. I don't go around announcing that I'm gay to everyone, I just don't see the need. As a person, it's a tiny percentage of who I am. So no. Coming out to the world isn't necessary. Those who need to know will know.

 

[magicdick]

If anyone asks my sexuality, I'll tell them it's none of their business unless it's relevant to the conversation. They can make their own mind up and may or may not guess correctly. I don't go around announcing that I'm gay to everyone, I just don't see the need. As a person, it's a tiny percentage of who I am. So no. Coming out to the world isn't necessary. Those who need to know will know.

Perfect answer.

 

[TX-Beau]

Perfect answer.

I disagree. The only people who aren't constantly outing themselves to the public are the ones who are afraid to own it.

 

[magicdick]

I disagree. The only people who aren't constantly outing themselves to the public are the ones who are afraid to own it.

I see it differently. People who continually out themselves publicly are trying to convince themselves that they accept who they are. It’s a sign of insecurity and discomfort: “If I tell the world often enough, maybe I can eventually accept my sexuality.”

 

[KaraBulut]

I see it differently. People who continually out themselves publicly are trying to convince themselves that they accept who they are. It’s a sign of insecurity and discomfort: “If I tell the world often enough, maybe I can eventually accept my sexuality.”

Define "continually out themselves publicly"...?

 

[magicdick]

Define "continually out themselves publicly"...?

Ask TX-Beau.

 

[TX-Beau]

I see it differently. People who continually out themselves publicly are trying to convince themselves that they accept who they are. It’s a sign of insecurity and discomfort: “If I tell the world often enough, maybe I can eventually accept my sexuality.”

LOL, straight people out themselves perteptually, they take out ads in the newspaper, they paint up cars and drag cans down the street to out themselves, they routinely as a matter of course out themselves to friends, family, colleagues, perfect strangers, they get on the net and out themselves to literally billions of people they will never know. Try and have a conversation with a straight person where they don't out themselves.

Are they trying to convince themselves that they accept who they are? Is that a sign of insecurity and discomfort?

Why is it different if you're queer? We all know why.

Fuck no, queer people hide and justify deceit because we are afraid the cost of hiding will be less than the cost of coming out.

That's all, nothing else.

 

[TX-Beau]

Ask TX-Beau.

There you go. I defy you to say that's false. Sexuality is not private, it's never been private, it's public property in every culture on the planet. Everyone who has ever asked, talked about, or inquired about yours thinks it's their business. They do the same. Everywhere, in every facet of life, sexuality is an out and public subject of conversation.

NOT talking about it is one of the primary ways Queer people expose themselves.

 

[magicdick]

LOL, straight people out themselves perteptually, they take out ads in the newspaper, they paint up cars and drag cans down the street to out themselves, they routinely as a matter of course out themselves to friends, family, colleagues, perfect strangers, they get on the net and out themselves to literally billions of people they will never know. Try and have a conversation with a straight person where they don't out themselves.

Are they trying to convince themselves that they accept who they are? Is that a sign of insecurity and discomfort?

Why is it different if you're queer? We all know why.

Fuck no, queer people hide and justify deceit because we are afraid the cost of hiding will be less than the cost of coming out.

That's all, nothing else.

There is some substance to what you say. But consider that straight people are the norm. (I am not equating norm with good or better—or normal, for what is normal? I am bisexual. I love sucking cock and swallowing cum and getting fucked—in short, making love with a man—and for me that is normal. Just as you are normal in your homosexuality.)

Straight people have no need to declare their sexuality, to out themselves. The examples you give are meaningless in a straight world. Heterosexuality is assumed and accepted.

Fuck no, queer people hide and justify deceit because we are afraid the cost of hiding will be less than the cost of coming out. That indeed is a sign of insecurity and discomfort. No judgment here. Just a considered opinion.

 

[TX-Beau]

There is some substance to what you say. But consider that straight people are the norm. (I am not equating norm with good or better—or normal, for what is normal? I am bisexual. I love sucking cock and swallowing cum and getting fucked—in short, making love with a man—and for me that is normal. Just as you are normal in your homosexuality.)

Straight people have no need to declare their sexuality, to out themselves. The examples you give are meaningless in a straight world. Heterosexuality is assumed and accepted.

Fuck no, queer people hide and justify deceit because we are afraid the cost of hiding will be less than the cost of coming out. That indeed is a sign of insecurity and discomfort. No judgment here. Just a considered opinion.

Being the norm doesn't change the fact that being closeted and privacy are not the same thing. The only person who can decide to come out is the person. Everyone in one's life can know you are Queer and if one won't come out, they won't. Some will and some won't. If one insists on living in the closet, that's not my decision, and I will respect their right to decide, even as I call the closet what it is. No one does anyone any favors by pretending and inventing reasons it's not what it is.

All of us were forced in there against our will. That deserves consideration, and as long as one doesn't then go out and shit on the rest of us, or harm people with the deception, I'm not going to out them. It remains that denying your friends and family an honest space in your life, that hiding your partner and requiring them to lie for you, is going to do harm.

 

[Pete120]

I don't really care about coming out as Pan sexual. I like having a secret I can only know. It makes me feel sexy and nasty. I am in the closet for severe Hyper sexuality too(caused by clinical OCD). I really should just be Gay because I don't attract Females. I dont have a confident out going brain. That is what Women thrive on. With Men, they will get down with anyone. I am very attracted sexually, emotionally, and romantically to Females and MtF trans though. I am too hypersexual to focus on them though. I like nasty males.

 

[KaraBulut]

Maybe I'm missing something but I thought in 2025, "coming out" described a process of personal discovery not an event.

Fifty years ago, I knew people who threw coming out parties. In at least one case that I remember, everyone, gay or straight, ended up at a gay bar and they loved the cheap drinks and good dance music so much that they all had another coming out party the next weekend.

The younger generation seems to have moved beyond that point. They don't think of sexuality as binary. Unless they live in a particularly backwards part of the US or they are from an extremely conservative family, they just tell the few people who need to know and then they live their lives openly and unashamed.

And that's really what is at the heart of the last few posts- the question of who needs to know and whether feeling ashamed and what the definition of "needs to know" and whether concealing one's sexual orientation is about being ashamed of it?