This past year has been quite a ride for me. At this time a year ago, I was still struggling with my sexual orientation, even though I've known for years that deep down I am gay. First, I "came out" to myself, which really did seem like some sort of breakthrough for me. Next I found Jub and began to interact with others like myself and realized I'm not the freak of nature I always assumed I was. Eventually, I came out to my best friend, and then to some of my siblings, one by one. All of this has been accepted with love and understanding. My biggest fear was finally revealing my true self to my father. I could have probably lived the rest of my life without doing this, but I felt like I was leaving something unfinished. Keep in mind, I'm in my early 40's and my father is almost 75. He's a product of his generation and values which make all of this much more difficult. (at least to me). We have a good relationship, but seem emotionally distant and uncomfortable discussing personal feelings in general. I chose to tell him in an email so there would be no interuptions and he could 'digest' what I had to say without me analyzing his reaction. I'm a little confused as to what his reply means. I know we need to have a 'real' conversation and be completely honest and bring this to some sort of conclusion, but I'm not sure how to go forward. I woud appreciate any feedback you guys have to offer. Below, you will find my father's reply. Please read and let me know. Just to let you know, I replaced where he used my name with 'Son'.
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Son, I have tried to give this some serious thought rather than just a knee-jerk reaction.
Here are some of those thoughts:
You are, indeed, still my son . . . and one who I am proud to claim.
I recognize that a great deal of courage was required for you to make this revelation.
I am not offended, but I am troubled.
I am troubled not only over the fact that you say you have decided that you want to embrace the gay lifestyle, but also over how, when, where and why. "When" may be most important at this juncture.
Life is full of pitfalls, and life off the beaten track is infinitely more hazardous.
All human beings need, crave and seek acceptance. We want others to like us and to accept us for what we are. We want approval. This is universal. However, at various times in a person's life, these needs make us vulnerable to exploitation.
Such exploitation occurs all the time in heterosexual relationships. Women are seduced and left to mend their pride and self esteem after every short-term affair. Men, also, are exploited by women albeit in a different fashion - usually leading to a significant loss of assets, both real and figurative.
However, the exploitation that can occur in homosexual relationships has much more far reaching consequences . . . if for no other reason than the image created among the unsympathetic majority.
Be assured that there are proportionately as many warped males looking for vulnerable male partners as there are predatory males looking for naive and inexperienced girls. And both types can be incredibly slick and disarming.
All men will not admit it, but research suggests that virtually all men experience self-doubt at different times during their lives. They doubt - or at least, wonder - about their masculinity. In their younger years, they wonder what it might "be like" to be a girl. In later years, they wonder if the attraction they sometimes feel toward other men might be homosexual in nature.
So. If several of these things should converge at once: self-doubt over one's sexuality, loss of self esteem such as when being fired from a job, and an encounter with someone already on the lookout for this kind of vulnerability . . . the result may be an erroneous conclusion and a tragically unwise decision. And - all the worse - that decision is also likely to be exploited.
Now, Son, I am not trying to say that the above is true in your case. I am not in a position to know. But I am definitely in a position to doubt. I think you know that I approach nearly all things with what I believe is a healthy skepticism. And I would certainly apply a heavier dose of that skepticism here.
It would probably be good for us to discuss this as time goes on. Just cannot communicate completely through emails.
In the meantime, I would urge you to get some professional counseling. And - if you can do so with a reasonable amount of objectivity - research the subject, yourself. The bias of gay forums will not. of course, provide that objectivity - but there probably is a wealth of information otherwise to be found on the internet.
Finally, I hope you will give yourself adequate time to digest all of this and to be certain of the direction you wish to take from this point forward. Remember that you are blessed with a loving family, and do not assume that you will find the same among strangers. Be very slow to share your heart and soul with others.
Know that you have my love.
Know, also, that my door is always open.
- DAD
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Son, I have tried to give this some serious thought rather than just a knee-jerk reaction.
Here are some of those thoughts:
You are, indeed, still my son . . . and one who I am proud to claim.
I recognize that a great deal of courage was required for you to make this revelation.
I am not offended, but I am troubled.
I am troubled not only over the fact that you say you have decided that you want to embrace the gay lifestyle, but also over how, when, where and why. "When" may be most important at this juncture.
Life is full of pitfalls, and life off the beaten track is infinitely more hazardous.
All human beings need, crave and seek acceptance. We want others to like us and to accept us for what we are. We want approval. This is universal. However, at various times in a person's life, these needs make us vulnerable to exploitation.
Such exploitation occurs all the time in heterosexual relationships. Women are seduced and left to mend their pride and self esteem after every short-term affair. Men, also, are exploited by women albeit in a different fashion - usually leading to a significant loss of assets, both real and figurative.
However, the exploitation that can occur in homosexual relationships has much more far reaching consequences . . . if for no other reason than the image created among the unsympathetic majority.
Be assured that there are proportionately as many warped males looking for vulnerable male partners as there are predatory males looking for naive and inexperienced girls. And both types can be incredibly slick and disarming.
All men will not admit it, but research suggests that virtually all men experience self-doubt at different times during their lives. They doubt - or at least, wonder - about their masculinity. In their younger years, they wonder what it might "be like" to be a girl. In later years, they wonder if the attraction they sometimes feel toward other men might be homosexual in nature.
So. If several of these things should converge at once: self-doubt over one's sexuality, loss of self esteem such as when being fired from a job, and an encounter with someone already on the lookout for this kind of vulnerability . . . the result may be an erroneous conclusion and a tragically unwise decision. And - all the worse - that decision is also likely to be exploited.
Now, Son, I am not trying to say that the above is true in your case. I am not in a position to know. But I am definitely in a position to doubt. I think you know that I approach nearly all things with what I believe is a healthy skepticism. And I would certainly apply a heavier dose of that skepticism here.
It would probably be good for us to discuss this as time goes on. Just cannot communicate completely through emails.
In the meantime, I would urge you to get some professional counseling. And - if you can do so with a reasonable amount of objectivity - research the subject, yourself. The bias of gay forums will not. of course, provide that objectivity - but there probably is a wealth of information otherwise to be found on the internet.
Finally, I hope you will give yourself adequate time to digest all of this and to be certain of the direction you wish to take from this point forward. Remember that you are blessed with a loving family, and do not assume that you will find the same among strangers. Be very slow to share your heart and soul with others.
Know that you have my love.
Know, also, that my door is always open.
- DAD
