Isolated guy, introverted, no friends, and his path to coming out

[ChickenGuy]

OK, sheeeeesh, where the hell to begin

I never left the family home and still live with my blissfully gay-clueless dad.

I only ever had one real friend in my life (and I developed a STRONG crush on him) but he has now gone overseas, so that's left me with no friends at all.

I live in a very remote and isolated area of the Scottish Highlands - I know, romantic and good scenery and a flock for tourists, but for gay bars, gay community, gay contact, gay anything - NOTHING.

Add to all this the fact that the Highlands are extremely religious as a rule - Scottish Presbyterian and Free Church and High Church and Church of Scotland, then this is a very unfriendly place far a gay guy to be.

I myself have always been an atheist

Also I have no job, never had a premanent one, and see virtually no-one. There is nothing to do. I have spent the last 15 years of my adult life stuck in this rut, lonely, lonely, lonely

So you may be screaming at the screen, LEAVE! LEAVE!

I have no self-confidence. I have no self-esteem. I dislike my appearance.

I've been so spolit by my father, who doesn't mind me not pulling my weight, and provides everything for me - actually for a father and son we are very close, and I also have my aunties and cousins nearby

And in the middle of all of this, a few days ago, I join up with all you cool guys 8)

And I have a desperate yearning to come out, even though my father is possibly homophobic

End of Part 1

(I need a drink)

Oh, buy the way, I'm teetotal. I drink milk and tea

I'm not kidding.

 

[spencer]

Re: Isolated virgin in his 30s, stay-at-home, no friends - coming out!?!?

Are you educated? You need to have some sort of livelihood.

 

[Alex00]

Re: Isolated virgin in his 30s, stay-at-home, no friends - coming out!?!?

At least, please, go out and do some sport: you'll be more fit and your self-esteem will rise. At the same time, you'll get to know some people.
If you ask for my opinion, I'd say that you've got almost NOTHING to lose in your life, so important that you're not coming out and staying chickened out in your home.
If you ask me for a freak idea, meet someone at a tea shop =)

 

[ChickenGuy]

Re: Isolated virgin in his 30s, stay-at-home, no friends - coming out!?!?

On education, I did secondary school and three years in college on Business Admin and Computing.

On sports, actually I got a blood test recently and have high cholesterol, and there is a local sports centre. I went in there for only the second time last week, but only to get information.

I have seriously thought about going swimming at least once, and there is a gym in there as well. But getting the motivation to get off my arse is difficult for me.

 

[Alex00]

Re: Isolated virgin in his 30s, stay-at-home, no friends - coming out!?!?

On sports, actually I got a blood test recently and have high cholesterol, and there is a local sports centre. I went in there for only the second time last week, but only to get information.

Sorry but uhmmm....ehmmmm....what the FUCK (with capital extra large f) are you waiting for!!?? Your body is begging for some action (who knows if that action ends with a swimmer, doing backstrokes in your bed )!

 

[ChickenGuy]

Re: Isolated virgin in his 30s, stay-at-home, no friends - coming out!?!?

Honestly, I don't think I'm even remotely ready for a sexual relationship, I'm not emotionally cut out for that yet (not that I wouldn't love to)

I'm shy at the best of times, uncomfortable around people, my priority right now is finding friends

But yes I can go swimming and actually my younger cousin goes to the gym, I could talk to him about it

 

[Alex00]

Re: Isolated virgin in his 30s, stay-at-home, no friends - coming out!?!?

Haahaha I was just joking. I understand you, I'm a virgin too. Don't say now that is different just cause I'm way younger, I could've had sex already.
I find it really cute and sincere that you want to make friends. It's kind of the first and essencial step. Let me tell you that if you're shy, then I assume your cousin going to the gym is an excellent opportunity to start. Look at yourself, say that you want to feel better and look better, and realize that the chances are just there, reach out!
Don't push yourself for anything, and try to keep that sincerity of yours while meeting new people. Needless to say that if they ask for your sexuality, you need to answer calmly and depending on your confidence- although I'd speak the truth cause as I just said, you've got nothing to lose.

 

[ChickenGuy]

Re: Isolated virgin in his 30s, stay-at-home, no friends - coming out!?!?

Anyway I'll finish off with Part 2 of the whole story... about coming out.

If you'd told me a week ago that I'd be discussing my life on a gay forum, I would have said you were C-R-A-Z-Y.

This is NOT usual behaviour for me, in fact I can hardly believe I'm doing this.

Then about 2 or 3 hours ago, I get the notion that I want to phone a national helpline of some sort - I tried - and the line was engaged.

It wasn't that I was needing help mentally, it was that I was wanting to ask about coming out and ask about gay community orgs in Britain, services, support groups, and the like. THIS WAS TOTALLY OUT OF THE BLUE. WHAT AM I DOING?

So, hmmm, I'm chatting on gay forums and trying to phone gay helplines...

?????????????

Am I trying to 'leak' information? Why do I have this sudden desire to confront all these issues?

What am I going to do next, 'accidentally' leave pics of naked guys around?

Last summer I thought up a scenario of telling my two female cousins (who I get along very well with, they're younger, down to earth, open, and surprise, not from around here) they were visiting but only for the day - wish they had stayed longer

They would be the easiest to tell face to face - in fact they tease and joke with me about the issue anyway

My two aunties would be next, actually I'm sure they already know or have guessed

So why I am suddenly so anxious about this issue?

I was nearly in tears earlier on tonight.

I don't understand.

 

[G-Lexington]

Re: Isolated virgin in his 30s, stay-at-home, no friends - coming out!?!?

Welcome to JUB!

What's going on? I think you're ready. Even if you're not ready to leave home and start your life and all that, you're ready to...well, ready to get ready, if that makes any sense. Ready to start taking steps to get into that position.

Kick ass.

That's what we're here for. To be your sounding board, your agony aunt, your shoulder to cry on, your cheerleading squad.

Lex

 

[ChickenGuy]

Re: Isolated virgin in his 30s, stay-at-home, no friends - coming out!?!?

It would be better if I found the courage to move to a larger place, and I would also be more likely to find work as well, it's just that these things require a certain level of independence that I don't have yet

I would love to be able to go travelling and see new places

Another problem with me, I have my head in the clouds all the time daydreaming and fantasising (I never used to do so much of that either)

I might think about four or five really friendly guys, supportive, patient, suddenly appearing as if by magic and saying

'Come on mate, come with us. Take us for a drive'

All so innocent and naive, isn't it?

 

[alley]

Re: Isolated virgin in his 30s, stay-at-home, no friends - coming out!?!?

It's an old but very true saying.

When there is a will there is a way.

If you don't enjoy your life, it's up to YOU to change it. No one else can. Believe me...I had a similar mindset for a long time. I did not think anyone could/would be interested in me. And I found out that simply was not the case at all. There is someone out there for everyone.

Getting a Job will help not just help financially but it will also allow you to get out of the house and meet new people.

 

[G-Lexington]

Re: Isolated virgin in his 30s, stay-at-home, no friends - coming out!?!?

>>>Another problem with me, I have my head in the clouds all the time daydreaming and fantasising (I never used to do so much of that either)

Not a problem, I don't think. Just another symptom, I think, that you're about ready to start taking steps.

>>>It would be better if I found the courage to move to a larger place, and I would also be more likely to find work as well, it's just that these things require a certain level of independence that I don't have yet

Perhaps so. So here's the next question. What do YOU have to do NOW to start getting yourself to a place where you DO have that independence?

Lex

 

[Alex00]

Re: Isolated virgin in his 30s, stay-at-home, no friends - coming out!?!?

It would be better if I found the courage to move to a larger place, and I would also be more likely to find work as well, it's just that these things require a certain level of independence that I don't have yet

You know what? You've made some first steps by know: I can feel your capacity of self-criticism and introspection is huge. You are shy and yet able to post to everyone that you think you are a dependent person. That's something not that usual.
Just be aware of the power you have to change things and to make a lot of further steps.

 

[ChickenGuy]

Re: Isolated virgin in his 30s, stay-at-home, no friends - coming out!?!?

Well the easiest of all the options is the sports centre first.

LOL I haven't been swimming in there since I was a teenager, just shows you how lazy I have become.

At least I know the way round the place.

 

[G-Lexington]

Re: Isolated virgin in his 30s, stay-at-home, no friends - coming out!?!?

Then that's your first step. Not sure what time it is over there, but it's certainly Friday by now, and it's presumably going to be open soon if it isn't already. So either get going, or get ready to get going once it opens. And if that means going to bed so you can get up early, go to bed already.

Lex

 

[ChickenGuy]

Re: Isolated virgin in his 30s, stay-at-home, no friends - coming out!?!?

But I'm still worried about why the hell I was dialing helplines that was crazy

And why I was nearly in tears

 

[ChickenGuy]

Re: Isolated virgin in his 30s, stay-at-home, no friends - coming out!?!?

I have a theory on that now...

It was my subconscious mind reacting to coming onto this site and meeting all of you guys for the first time and feeling very 'out'

 

[G-Lexington]

Re: Isolated virgin in his 30s, stay-at-home, no friends - coming out!?!?

Because you didn't know what to do.
But hopefully, now you've got a bit better of an idea.

Lex

 

[Seasoned]

Re: Isolated virgin in his 30s, stay-at-home, no friends - coming out!?!?

At least a part of you obviously wants change on all sorts of levels. You want something more than isolation and you probably want to make changes before you have to. I think the helplines are a good start. Have you ever thought you might have a mental diagnoses, like Ausperger's syndrome, or some other deveoped disorder? Trust me. I am not name calling here. Keep reaching out wherever and whenever you can. I give you a lot of credit. Keep progressing, taking safe risks.

 

[bagley]

Re: Isolated virgin in his 30s, stay-at-home, no friends - coming out!?!?

Hi , When I was in the military I lived in Thurso, in the far north of Scotland, for a little over four years. I was very lonely and very afraid someone would discover I was gay. This was in the early 1970's and it was a dishonorable discharge if anyone found out that I was gay. Anyway, somehow I found the number to the gay hot line in Glasgow and called them....and then took the long train ride down to the Glasgow gay center...???? and I met some gay people...so my advice is to take a short visit to one of the bigger cities...Glasgow was my choice....visit some of the cultural sites but, also try to find a place where you can be openly gay. It was hard for me because I was also shy and a non alcohol drinker....On my 2nd trip down I met a man from Sterling and we became friends. I could visit him or just talk to him on the telephone. After I left Scotland, I was stationed in Greece for a long time......and now I am retired and living in Los Angeles.....so good luck to you as your life unfolds.