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Isolated guy, introverted, no friends, and his path to coming out

Re: Isolated virgin in his 30s, stay-at-home, no friends - coming out!?!?

This progress is great news. Nothing happens over night but things get better with time. Keep us updated, we want to hear. Ask us questions when you need to.

(*8*)(!)..|:=D::D
 
Re: Isolated virgin in his 30s, stay-at-home, no friends - coming out!?!?

good for you and your progress

how bout adding going to any bar in a close by city and striking up a conversation with the bartender or better yet a patron (male or female)
 
Re: Isolated virgin in his 30s, stay-at-home, no friends - coming out!?!?

Coming out to yourself is one of the best things you can do for yourself. If you can't be honest with yourself, how can you be natural around other people? (*8*)
 
Re: Isolated virgin in his 30s, stay-at-home, no friends - coming out!?!?

Having just begun my journey, I can certainly second Lube's comment. Being honest with yourself regarding your sexuality is a big (and I think necessary) first step. Identifying the other stumbling blocks in your life like it sounds you are doing and discussing them with others is also a very good thing. Keep up the forward progress.
 
Re: Isolated virgin in his 30s, stay-at-home, no friends - coming out!?!?

Again, I posted this on another thread, but also think it's relevant here....

JUB may very well help me come out before this year is over.

I'm still closeted, but this summer, before I knew about JUB, I had the inkling that it was time.

I found myself one night a month ago in some distress trying to ring a helpline at 1am in the morning to talk to someone about being gay. I was basically just wanting to find out information, and although I never got through, I'm sure it was all a part of the process.

Now I am planning on how to tell my father, the only person who is really going to be difficult to tell - I may well have already come out but for the fact that it is only fair that I start with him.

I found JUB by complete accident 2 months ago, before that I had never been on ANY message boards, forums, chats, social network sites - nothing.

I have no friends. I don't very often leave the house. I have very likely suffered from a form of clinical depression for the last 7 years.

But, changes in my attitudes have happened since the summer. And JUB has been one of those changes that I am most grateful for.

To be able to share experiences on such diverse subjects as coming out, the nature of the Universe, fun and games, sexual health, entertainment and ANYTHING else, in one place, with thousands of others just like myself, and all for free, is something I could never have imagined.

It has TRULY helped me to realise that my deep love of guys is something wonderful and magical and beautiful, and not disgusting and something to be swept under the carpet and hidden from everyone for my entire life. My self-confidence and self-esteem are on the rise.

And, with any luck, my long-standing dream of finding friendship, love, and sex, with guys is becoming ever nearer.

So I hope that everyone knows now how important JUB is to me, and to people in far far worse circumstances than myself.

These forums do marvellous, wonderful work for people. They should always be here.
 
Re: Isolated virgin in his 30s, stay-at-home, no friends - coming out!?!?

I missed this thread before but now that I've read it...its so close to describing my life its scary :eek:
 
Re: Isolated virgin in his 30s, stay-at-home, no friends - coming out!?!?

ChickenGuy said:
Again, I posted this on another thread, but also think it's relevant here....

JUB may very well help me come out before this year is over.

I'm still closeted, but this summer, before I knew about JUB, I had the inkling that it was time.

I found myself one night a month ago in some distress trying to ring a helpline at 1am in the morning to talk to someone about being gay. I was basically just wanting to find out information, and although I never got through, I'm sure it was all a part of the process.

Now I am planning on how to tell my father, the only person who is really going to be difficult to tell - I may well have already come out but for the fact that it is only fair that I start with him.

I found JUB by complete accident 2 months ago, before that I had never been on ANY message boards, forums, chats, social network sites - nothing.

I have no friends. I don't very often leave the house. I have very likely suffered from a form of clinical depression for the last 7 years.

But, changes in my attitudes have happened since the summer. And JUB has been one of those changes that I am most grateful for.

To be able to share experiences on such diverse subjects as coming out, the nature of the Universe, fun and games, sexual health, entertainment and ANYTHING else, in one place, with thousands of others just like myself, and all for free, is something I could never have imagined.

It has TRULY helped me to realise that my deep love of guys is something wonderful and magical and beautiful, and not disgusting and something to be swept under the carpet and hidden from everyone for my entire life. My self-confidence and self-esteem are on the rise.

And, with any luck, my long-standing dream of finding friendship, love, and sex, with guys is becoming ever nearer.

So I hope that everyone knows now how important JUB is to me, and to people in far far worse circumstances than myself.

These forums do marvellous, wonderful work for people. They should always be here.
Click to expand...

I could not agree more mate. I thought the same a month ago and made a thread called JUB Rocks (or something like that). JUB is such an important resource for those like us. The JUB forums were my first experience of being part of a "gay culture". For the first time I began to see that I was no different from others and it was OK to be gay. I will forever be thankful for the JUB community in helping me to finally live life. If it weren't for JUB I may never have come out and I would have lived a lonely unhappy life.

Another new guy has basically said how if it were not for JUB he may have taken his own life. :eek: :confused: The JUB community is vitally important and I am proud to be a part of it and I hope it is here to stay for a long time to come.

Long live JUB
 
Re: Isolated virgin in his 30s, stay-at-home, no friends - coming out!?!?

So, there has been a development.

First, some background - I posted this in response to one of hvk1989's threads:

On the coming out stage, I'm pretty much exactly where you are - knowing that it's now the right time to come out for sure, but wondering who to tell first - I would have told my two female cousins in a heartbeat, they're so easy to talk to about things like this - but I think my father should be the first, since I still live with him and since we're extremely close

He is without doubt, however, the most difficult person to tell, and I don't want to upset him, but I'll just have to do it gently - maybe have a general discussion first - I actually have a good idea how I'll tell him, it's just finding the right time...
Click to expand...

And then, this, in another of his threads:

I'm still lagging behind you a bit - I know that I now want to tell people, but I seem to have complicated this for myself by deciding that it should really be my father who hears it first.

I think I'd have come out to everyone else by now, except that I only think it fair that it starts with him and yet he's the most difficult person to tell.

I also want to 'tip off' my aunties about what will be happening and 'prepare the groundwork' for my father by saying something like "We'll have to have a discussion sometime about attraction and things...."

I'm probably overcomplicating this for myself, but make no mistake - my attitudes have changed in the last few months - prior to that, ANY notion of coming out seemed to be ridiculous fantasy - not any more.
Click to expand...

Well, one of my aunties is now under no illusion about what is going on in my life - it did take a bit of courage and I very nearly left her house without mentioning it, but at the very end, before leaving, I had a brief conversation with her.

I'm a little uncomfortable in relaying the private conversations of others onto a public forum, so I will just sum up:

I strongly inferred that I will be making an announcement soon, and to expect it at some point. I said that I won't tell anyone fully and properly until I've spoken to my father. I even said "We all know what this is about" and indeed I'm sure almost everybody but my father does know, or has guessed.

She inferred to me what it was all about, and - and this is something I had never done in my life before....

I nodded my head.

No denial. No excuses. No lies.

She referred to others that she knew that were just like me, and she offered her help, if at any point I needed it, in telling my father. I'm very grateful to her for the support that she showed me today.

I mean, for all intents and purposes, I declared myself as gay today. I may not have said the words, but both of us knew what we were talking about.

There was a brief mention of her sister (my late mother). I have my regrets now about not doing more and saying more to my mother when she was alive. I'm absolutely positive that my mother also knew, but we never discussed it properly, although I'm sure that she had no issue or problem with it. She died when I was 23. She has been gone nearly 10 years now.

It's so strange that it all took only about 5 minutes to say, and that the rest of today, I've almost forgotten about it. I didn't expect to be doing any of this when I woke up today. It's all a little unreal.

Anyway, I will have a similar conversation with my other auntie as soon as I can. I won't feel as uncomfortable the second time.

And then, the most difficult part of the whole process - telling my father. And not just alluding - saying "I'm gay" to him.

But today, the first small step was taken.
 
Re: Isolated virgin in his 30s, stay-at-home, no friends - coming out!?!?

Good work mate. ..|

It's good that you know she will support you if you need it when it comes to your father. And of course you know your JUB friends will be here too. (*8*)

As you have said you've made the first step. You have a right to be proud of taking that first step. :=D:

Good luck. :)
 
Re: Isolated virgin in his 30s, stay-at-home, no friends - coming out!?!?

ChickenGuy said:
So, there has been a development.

First, some background - I posted this in response to one of hvk1989's threads:



And then, this, in another of his threads:



Well, one of my aunties is now under no illusion about what is going on in my life - it did take a bit of courage and I very nearly left her house without mentioning it, but at the very end, before leaving, I had a brief conversation with her.

I'm a little uncomfortable in relaying the private conversations of others onto a public forum, so I will just sum up:

I strongly inferred that I will be making an announcement soon, and to expect it at some point. I said that I won't tell anyone fully and properly until I've spoken to my father. I even said "We all know what this is about" and indeed I'm sure almost everybody but my father does know, or has guessed.

She inferred to me what it was all about, and - and this is something I had never done in my life before....

I nodded my head.

No denial. No excuses. No lies.

She referred to others that she knew that were just like me, and she offered her help, if at any point I needed it, in telling my father. I'm very grateful to her for the support that she showed me today.

I mean, for all intents and purposes, I declared myself as gay today. I may not have said the words, but both of us knew what we were talking about.

There was a brief mention of her sister (my late mother). I have my regrets now about not doing more and saying more to my mother when she was alive. I'm absolutely positive that my mother also knew, but we never discussed it properly, although I'm sure that she had no issue or problem with it. She died when I was 23. She has been gone nearly 10 years now.

It's so strange that it all took only about 5 minutes to say, and that the rest of today, I've almost forgotten about it. I didn't expect to be doing any of this when I woke up today. It's all a little unreal.

Anyway, I will have a similar conversation with my other auntie as soon as I can. I won't feel as uncomfortable the second time.

And then, the most difficult part of the whole process - telling my father. And not just alluding - saying "I'm gay" to him.

But today, the first small step was taken.
Click to expand...

Journey of a thousand smiles starts with a single step (and small step, even).

Welcome to JUB.

All the best.
 
Re: Isolated virgin in his 30s, stay-at-home, no friends - coming out!?!?

Congratulations!

I'm so glad you've found the strength to start the coming out process. It sure takes a lot of balls! I wish you every success for the future- also once you've done it it will be no big deal at all!

Also I agree with braex27 about how a single, small step can lead on to many things! Mine was telling a girl I didn't really know that well that I was gay- this led to me a couple of weeks later telling all my friends- just my family to get to now!
 
Re: Isolated virgin in his 30s, stay-at-home, no friends - coming out!?!?

ChickenGuy said:
IF YOU TOLD ME IN JULY THAT I WOULD DO ONE OF THESE THINGS, I'D HAVE SAID YOU WERE DAFT

IF YOU TOLD ME IN JULY THAT I WOULD DO ALL OF THESE THINGS, I'D HAVE SAID YOU WERE C-R-A-Z-Y

And yet there it is - it started around mid-August. For no reason. Out of the blue.

A shame that I couldn't have activated this mood earlier in my life, but better late than never.

I hope that my words have proved to anyone in a similar situation that your life can at least begin to turn around, EVEN WITHOUT YOU PLANNING IT

All you need to do is try your best in the meantime, and have patience ..|
Click to expand...

Your positive attitude in spite of everything is very inspiring, CG! It appears that you're truly entering a new and exciting chapter in your life. Better late than never, indeed! I wish you the best of luck and will follow your developing story closely.

And remember, it is not just you finding hope and inspiration from the others on this site, you yourself are a source of inspiration for others - so keep inspiring us! (*8*)
 
Re: Isolated virgin in his 30s, stay-at-home, no friends - coming out!?!?

^ Wow, I don't know what to say thru-and-thru, especially as it looks like that was your very first post - it's very kind of you to show your support for what I say in this way, and I thank you very much for your words ..|

The same thanks go to crowboy, crackycreme, joeylj, silverwolf and braex27 ..|

....and everyone who reads my thread and takes something from it ..|
 
Regarding the auntie that I 'tipped off' a week ago, I had another conversation with her, over the phone.

Hmmmmmmmm....

I sense a subtle change in the emphasis of the conversation. There was a clear doubt and scepticism about exactly who I should come out to.

Some background - what I would ideally want to do is this:

Come out to my dad. Then, after the most difficult person is done, a handful of other people - four aunties/aunties by marriage, four cousins, and also e-mail my friend overseas.

The issue that my auntie has with one of my aunties by marriage is discretion - telling her would result in the whole issue getting out to the wider community.

However, she agreed to tip off her sister (another auntie) and they would keep it amongst themselves. I suppose she is being pragmatic, and by the way, I can tell from her words that she is still completely personally empathetic and supportive. She is probably more aware than I about the true reactions of people.

I know this is all a little complicated, all these relations, but the key difference is between those that want 'containment', and those that would blag and let the secret out.

Now, I, on the other hand, after telling my dad, will not mind about people knowing. If anyone I tell chooses to tell anyone else - I have no problem with that. People may not hear it from me directly, but if they know, fine. If asked about it by someone, I will not deny.

So, the question is: should I keep it contained amongst my dad and two aunties, thereby keeping things friendly and avoiding controversy? (I wouldn't really consider this properly coming out in the way I wanted to)

Or tell the people that I want to tell, resulting in it all coming out, thereby alienating my two aunties? (I would be disappointed to fall out with either of these two - they are the two relatives that I am closest to)

Sadly, I've already got the sense that, whatever happens, this is not going to be met with as much acceptance as I had first thought.

:(
 
ChickenGuy said:
Regarding the auntie that I 'tipped off' a week ago, I had another conversation with her, over the phone.

Hmmmmmmmm....

I sense a subtle change in the emphasis of the conversation. There was a clear doubt and scepticism about exactly who I should come out to.

Some background - what I would ideally want to do is this:

Come out to my dad. Then, after the most difficult person is done, a handful of other people - four aunties/aunties by marriage, four cousins, and also e-mail my friend overseas.

The issue that my auntie has with one of my aunties by marriage is discretion - telling her would result in the whole issue getting out to the wider community.

However, she agreed to tip off her sister (another auntie) and they would keep it amongst themselves. I suppose she is being pragmatic, and by the way, I can tell from her words that she is still completely personally empathetic and supportive. She is probably more aware than I about the true reactions of people.

I know this is all a little complicated, all these relations, but the key difference is between those that want 'containment', and those that would blag and let the secret out.

Now, I, on the other hand, after telling my dad, will not mind about people knowing. If anyone I tell chooses to tell anyone else - I have no problem with that. People may not hear it from me directly, but if they know, fine. If asked about it by someone, I will not deny.

So, the question is: should I keep it contained amongst my dad and two aunties, thereby keeping things friendly and avoiding controversy? (I wouldn't really consider this properly coming out in the way I wanted to)

Or tell the people that I want to tell, resulting in it all coming out, thereby alienating my two aunties? (I would be disappointed to fall out with either of these two - they are the two relatives that I am closest to)

Sadly, I've already got the sense that, whatever happens, this is not going to be met with as much acceptance as I had first thought.

:(
Click to expand...

What I will say is the time is NOW FOR YOU.

You deserve to have the life you want and be the person you want to be. It does suck that we have to go through this, but that is the way it is. The question is who is more important. You have put others first for your entire life by not allowing yourself to be you, so as not to upset others. You are now at the stage where you are thinking that enough is enough. It is time for you.

You need to do what you think is best for you, not what others think is best for them.

Maybe you could talk to your auntie you've confided in and tell her pretty much what you've said here. If she is supportive of you now I don't understand why that would change if others (aunties) know. :confused: She'll be supportive if no one knows but won't if people do know. Is that what you are saying? :confused: I am confused at this point.

I think you may find that once you tell the difficult person (your father) the rest really won't matter. That is what you were thinking anyway.

Now is your time. Time to do what you want and what you think is best.

Good luck mate.

(*8*)

You know where I am. :)
 
It's always difficult when some people know a secret and some don't. The important thing is that the people close to you hear it from you when you're ready to say it. Once you've done that I think you just need to be matter of fact about your sexuality, otherwise you'll end up half out of the closet and half still in it. You don't need to go round town broadcasting it, but if your auntie spreads the news and people mention it, so what?
 
work with your aunts to see who it would work with telling. you don't have to tell them all. coming out isn't about telling everyone every little detail of your life. my mom knows, one of my sisters knows, two nieces, and one nephew (they are all over 20). but my oldest sister doesn't and neither does my brother. your aunts probably have a good feel on who would be ok with it. this is your beginning. i would start slow and see where it goes. you can always tell more later, but you can hardly untell them if it doesn't work out well.

Congratulations in telling your aunt!! that's a huge huge step.
 
Hello,

I've known your situation several months ago. I was like you : introverted, isolated. We can say you've had a declic, as I've had. The first time we say the truth is the hardest. After, it's more easy and you'll see that after, the path to follow is clearer. It's the time of important decisions. To tell the truth can have various consequences. For example, a guy tells me about another gay he knows and I've met this gay guy recently. I hope he and I will become friends and, why not, more.
..| Congratulations and good luck for the next steps !!!

Oh, by the way, I am 45 years old and I can tell you that it's not too late for me to find a boyfriend. You're younger than me, so, don't desesperate...
 
I'd like an update too—I'm rooting for you.

As far as telling your dad, I honestly don't think it's gonna be so bad. Just from things you've said here and there, I get the sense that he loves you a lot and would be more supportive than you know.
 
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