It's never the alcoholic's fault, is it?

[gsdx]

No matter how badly they screw up their lives, it's always someone else's fault.

I can't even imagine living a life like that.

 

[valis23]

Beautifully stated and undoubtedly true.
Are we talking about a particular alcoholic or was that just an observation?

 

[gsdx]

Talking about the alcoholic who currently shares my abode.

He never has the money to pay me back for what he owes, but he always finds a way to buy his booze. When I get frustrated and upset and challenge him on it, he gets mad at me and switches everything around so it sounds (at least in his own mind) that I'm the one who is responsible.

 

[S60Turbo]

You are enabling him by lending him money or letting him off on rent or whatever.
stop it.

 

[G-Lexington]

You certainly sound like the only one in that household who's "responsible". But perhaps a change in mindset is in order.

I have a friend who is always, predictably late. 15-30 minutes late to EVERYTHING. That's just the way he operates. But I've stopped getting pissed at his tardiness. I either accept it, or tell him to meet up half an hour before everybody else. I've altered my expectations, and don't have to get angry when he shows up late.

You know this guy's an alcoholic.
You know he's extremely unreliable.
You know that when he borrows money (or owes rent or whatever), there's a good chance that that's money you won't ever see.
You know the alcohol is far more important than anything else in his life.
You know you can't guilt trip him into altering his life.
You know he'll blame you (or his ex, or society, or the Greys) for his ills.

Stop expecting anything else.

Lex

 

[gsdx]

You are enabling him by lending him money or letting him off on rent or whatever.
stop it.

I'm not enabling him. He gives me the money to pay the bills he's responsible for. He was short $10 and I put it in. I've reminded him several times about the money he owes and he always promises to pay it back. He hasn't yet. Says he doesn't have the money. But he always has his booze.

This morning, when I reminded him of it once again, he said that, if I didn't nag him so much about the money he owes me, he wouldn't drink so much. I just said, "If you'd pay me back my $10 you owe me like you've been promising to do for 2 weeks, I wouldn't nag you about it."

Like I said. It's my fault.

 

[justdoitinnj]

My Dad was like that.
An alcoholic almost all of his life.
He started drinking booze when he was only 13 yrs old.
He quit cold turkey when he was 70.
I asked him about a year later why he drank all his life. His answer was......because I wanted to.
But everything that ever happened during his life was never his fault.
It was always someone elses.

 

[rareboy]

No matter how badly they screw up their lives, it's always someone else's fault.

I can't even imagine living a life like that.

But by living with this loser, that is exactly what you're doing. Just vicariously. The deals we make with the devil require our full commitment.

 

[NickCole]

I'm not enabling him. He gives me the money to pay the bills he's responsible for. He was short $10 and I put it in. I've reminded him several times about the money he owes and he always promises to pay it back. He hasn't yet. Says he doesn't have the money. But he always has his booze.

This morning, when I reminded him of it once again, he said that, if I didn't nag him so much about the money he owes me, he wouldn't drink so much. I just said, "If you'd pay me back my $10 you owe me like you've been promising to do for 2 weeks, I wouldn't nag you about it."

Like I said. It's my fault.

You're a classic enabler.

Classic.

You're actually outraged that an alcoholic is behaving like an alcoholic!

You give him ten bucks (why??) then when he doesn't pay it back (of course he doesn't pay it back!) you nag and humiliate him, insisting on control in a situation that's inherently out of control.

You say, "Talking about the alcoholic who currently shares my abode" so I assume it's your house or apartment. From your description above, you have control over household financial matters. Your profile says you're single. If he's not your bf, not a blood relative and you have control over who stays and who leaves, why do you let him stay? Kick him out. If you don't then, yes, you are an enabler.

 

[adelaide]

i think it even goes further than alchoholics. some people just can't own up to things themselves.

 

[Paws]

No matter how badly they screw up their lives, it's always someone else's fault.

Maybe he started drinking to forget what someone or some people did to him at one (or more) moment(s) in his life because he couldn't find anything else to make him feel better?

 

[TygreBryte]

i think it even goes further than alchoholics. some people just can't own up to things themselves.

I think there's a lot too that. I sometimes think that people like that are more prone to end up drinking to sloppiness all the time.

I have to say, the "if you didn't nag me so much I wouldn't drink so much" *is* a classic line.

Hope you find some way to extricate yourself from the extra complications.

 

[rareboy]

I sometimes wonder if it makes a person feel better about themselves to have someone like a trainwreck alcoholic around.

 

[dunno260]

Yeah, you are enabling him somewhat, but also I think you need to adjust your expectations somewhat. My dad is a recovering alcoholic and has been sober for 7 some odd years now or so. And while he is a better person sober, and is better to me and my brother (he wasn't abusive, he was just absent), the damage to him and us has largely already been done.

My brother and I know that what we will get from him isn't going to be what people from "normal" families get from their fathers, but we also get more than a lot of other people do get.

I can understand your frustration, but having been on one side and having struggled with some of my own addictions, I can understand the other side. In some ways, your roommate is right, its not his fault. But its not your fault either.

But until he gets sober, its not going to get better. There are some addicts who are high functioning, others who do blaze a trail of misery for themselves and others around it. As for what to do, I don't know and can't answer that. But I doubt things are going to get any better if he doesn't get help.

 

[Endlight]

My Dad was like that.
An alcoholic almost all of his life.
He started drinking booze when he was only 13 yrs old.
He quit cold turkey when he was 70.
I asked him about a year later why he drank all his life. His answer was......because I wanted to.
But everything that ever happened during his life was never his fault.
It was always someone elses.

My dad was his twin. He also quit cold turkey at 70 = fatal heart attack.

Mine only drank because, he had a cold, his mother was sick, the wrong party got elected, rent was due, he had to pay taxes, the sun was shining, it was cloudy outside, rain was falling ....get the idea?
Yup he always had a reason? We on the other hand, had no father!

Guess you play the cards you are dealt!

 

[RationalLunacy]

Alcoholics are master manipulators. I know. I am an alcoholic.

(PS) I've been clean & sober over 20 years.

 

[maxpowr9]

My dad is still in alcoholic and it IS the main reason why I pretty much have no relationship with him. My mom basically ignored it all my bro and my lifes. One would think after he was disbarred for showing up to court drunk, that it would make him think twice about his problem but nope, only made him drink more. In fact, my relationship with my dad has caused a spillover affect to my mom (I guess the term "death by association" comes into play). I honestly question why my mom stays married to him. I told her, lesson learned, never marry the "bad" guy. You can't tame them. That's where the phrase "nice guys finish last" comes from.

I guess there is some positive that came out of it. I know alcoholism runs in my family and I have seen what it has done to my dad, so it made realize I don't want to become "that" and I took control of the situation.

 

[scottish1]

Being an alcoholic and therefore talking from experience(sober 20years) I agree with Rational Lunacy. Another way of putting it is alcoholics are users of people to facilitate their drinking/lifestyle. When they have used up one person and are either kicked out or forced to move on,they latch on to the next willing person. You GSDX are your own worst enemy in that you are prepared to be used by this person in the manner described by you. If you do not kick him out do not expect him to change his ways as he will weather the nagging and anything else you choose to do. He has not reached bottom yet,you are only prolonging his journey to that place by giving in to him.

 

[darcey]

DAMN IT GSDX, you deserve BETTER ! Stop selling yourself short !

One is an enabler when one doesn't stop allowing excuses.

I believe you have said you need some physical support ( if not financial), but there must be a way to find better quality ! Isn't there somewhere you might seek a room-mate that is superior to your current one ??

And you aren't helping him experience his full potential. Even HE deserves better.

Please see if some help (A.A., Al-Anon, etc) can't be tapped for BOTH of you.

My New Years wish for you is that both you & your room-mate may have a 2008 full of growth & joy.

 

[dontask]

Alcoholics are master manipulators. I know. I am an alcoholic.

(PS) I've been clean & sober over 20 years.

Congrats!!! That's so awesome!!