i've got issues

[xic55401]

Hi all,
I am a 30 year closeted guy who would like to come out - actually, I just don't want to come out, I want to explode!
I have always been and acted as the typical straight guy, living the typical life of a straight guy: straight friends, straight everything. I am done with that!! I am so done!
Now, I have some concerns or issues with my personality - I suppose. I have heard that one of the main things before coming out is to love yourself and love yourself for who you are. Well, I don't. I don't know how to do it and I don't understand how people manage to do it. I guess that I am totally freaked out about the f'ing: what would people think? what would they say about me behind my back? I am so jealous when I hear/read people say: Oh, I don't care what they have to say about me. I wish I could be like that.... I am really embarrassed by the way some of my friends and family members act, etc. etc. etc. I guess that I am very critical :\
The problem right now that I am experiencing is coming out: Not only am I terrified of what other people may/will think about me, not only people I know and I care about, but people I don't even know.... For instance, today I tried to buy the magazine Out! at b&n - I was more concerned about who were around me, who was at the register, who were behind me in line (watching me buying a gay magazine) that my fear and my phobia stopped me from buying it after 30 - 40minutes hanging around the magazine area....
You get my point, I guess....
Any ideas or suggestions besides therapy?

 

[justdoitinnj]

What reason do you have to care about what others think?

Are they paying your bills?
Are they putting food on your table?
Are they buying you the clothes you wear?

No matter who you are nor what you do, not everyone is going to like you.

 

[ks110x]

What reason do you have to care about what others think?

Are they paying your bills?
Are they putting food on your table?
Are they buying you the clothes you wear?

No matter who you are nor what you do, not everyone is going to like you.

Precisely.

Be prepared for some rejection, it's going to happen from someone if not a few people depending. Just remember they aren't worth having in your life if they can't deal with it so you are better off.

The beginning is the hardest, it does get a lot easier.

 

[xic55401]

it's a problem of self-esteem....

 

[bshane]

Have the same issues myself and am also 30.

 

[AaronG]

For instance, today I tried to buy the magazine Out! at b&n - I was more concerned about who were around me, who was at the register, who were behind me in line (watching me buying a gay magazine) that my fear and my phobia stopped me from buying it after 30 - 40minutes hanging around the magazine area....

It's scary because it's the first time. I just went to my first gay bar about a week and a half ago, and I was fucking petrified that someone on the street would see me. No one else cared or even noticed, but that didn't make me feel any better at the time. It turned out just fine, though.

I don't think you'll feel good about being gay in public until you're cool with being gay in private. If you're determined to get out there, you've got to find someone to confide in. It's one of the most important - and hardest - things you'll ever do. I'm still working on being comfortable as an out guy, but it could never have happened without support from friends.

 

[xic55401]

It's scary because it's the first time. I just went to my first gay bar about a week and a half ago, and I was fucking petrified that someone on the street would see me. No one else cared or even noticed, but that didn't make me feel any better at the time. It turned out just fine, though.

I don't think you'll feel good about being gay in public until you're cool with being gay in private. If you're determined to get out there, you've got to find someone to confide in. It's one of the most important - and hardest - things you'll ever do. I'm still working on being comfortable as an out guy, but it could never have happened without support from friends.

Very scary.
How am I going to start going out if there is nobody I feel comfortable telling this stuff?

 

[heymikey]

Get your hands on Xanax.

 

[tallguy297]

Hey xic55401,

Yeah it can be scary... but you are not alone. And already you have the support of the guys right here who have been where you are, are where you are or maybe haven't even got to that stage yet.

See, already you've made a decision that for some they might never make. You've found the strength and the courage to say this is who I am... and now I need to figure out how to to deal with it and let people know. You should feel proud of that mate... that takes a lot to do... and more than that you know that by asking for help you just might be able to get your way through this. Another great sign!

xic55401, the things that weigh us down are sometimes the things that force themselves out in our personalities too.

Chances are you are critical of others because you are critical about yourself. You are conscious about the way others act because you have spent a lifetime of being self conscious and acting the way you needed to to protect yourself. You worry about what others think because you watch and wonder what they are thinking... you wont buy a magazine because you watch someone who would and wonder how they can do it with all these people watching them...

Mate... you have spent a lifetime of hiding, wondering, fearing and suppressing who you are. You have become so fixated on not being you, that you have started to judge yourself because of it. Everything that you do has some basis in maintaining an act of deception. But thats not to say you have issues or are a bad person - hell a lot of us have done the same thing. You have spent a lifetime PROTECTING yourself. Or at least you thought you were because again like so many, you didn't think you had a choice.

Self esteem does have something to do with this, you are right. But its what brought you to this point thats the problem.

Its impossible to lie to yourself and to others and feel content. Your first few lines of your post show just how much you need to get this off your chest. That you are sick of carrying this around and despise what its doing to you.

You have to make a choice. You have to find a friend to confide in. Right now you mightn't think you have any you could tell but beleive me you do. So many people in your life want you to be happy and if they knew what turmoil you are suffering all of them would want to help.

You need to verbalize your thoughts and your fears. You need to talk it out... you need to get out of your own head and watch and listen to the reaction of others. For some the acceptance of others is the most important step to accepting themselves. By receiving support and understanding you begin to shrug off the critical nature that has become your way of life.

You stop judging because you understand that people aren't judging you. You stop criticizing and scrutinizing because you realize that it was you doing that not them.

Yes xic55401, it takes trust. It will take the same courage you have shown here and that you used to get to this point. The choices that we have to make as gay's sometimes test us to breaking. They are decisons that in a prefect world we wouldn't need to suffer. But its those same actions and choices that give us the strength to be open honest and loving in our lives.

You know the struggle its been. You will also know the freedom and relief when you get through this. You will have a whole set of experiences that will guide you for the rest of your life.

Theres nothing wrong with the way you think or act xic55401. You've learned that behavior... and if you want to change it you can. I have zero doubt that once you unshackle the real you from this weight you are carrying, that once you make that first step that it will be easier and easier every time. And with every step you become the real open friendly honest caring and trusting guy that you are. When you stop criticizing yourself the rest will fall neatly into place.

And remember. You do have someone to talk to. We aren't going anywhere!

 

[JackFTwist]

Any ideas or suggestions besides therapy?

No, I suggest therapy


it helped me a great great deal come to terms and acceptance of many things

I strongly and lovingly suggest therapy

 

[spreadeagle]

I think your difficulty in buying the magazine is really interesting. It's great that you're observing and analysing your reactions to this simple test.

Presumably you'd have no problem going up to the magazine counter and buying 'Penthouse'. The difference between these two experiences is homoiphobia in action. That's why high self-esteem makes coming out easier: because as soon as we start school we are indoctrinated into negative beliefs about homosexuality.

There's nothing wrong with your personality or character - the problem is with the society, not with you. Coming Out consists of a thousand small successive progressive steps. If you can stay conscious while yuou take each step so much the better. Go into another store and try to buy a gay magazine again. The more familiar the action is the easier it will become. When you successfully buy a magazine (or overcome any other small challenge) and are not struck by lightning you'll beging to feel more secure.

The way to bring about personal change is to set small progressive achievable goals. It must be a goal where you know when you have accomplished it. Set a deadline for its successful completion and reward yourself each time you achieve a goal.

 

[rareboy]

Listen to Tallguy, Jacktwist and Spreadeagle.

 

[xic55401]

Listen to Tallguy, Jacktwist and Spreadeagle.

I did.. wow! I swear I got goosebumps. Never thought that I could get so much support/advice on the internet. Ever. I have read all your emails over and over and over again and I will still read them more than once again.
Thanks guys! I appreciate your support a ton!

 

[xic55401]

Hey xic55401,

You know the struggle its been. You will also know the freedom and relief when you get through this. You will have a whole set of experiences that will guide you for the rest of your life.
QUOTE]

I take this as a promise, ok?

 

[hanshansen]

The way to bring about personal change is to set small progressive achievable goals. It must be a goal where you know when you have accomplished it. Set a deadline for its successful completion and reward yourself each time you achieve a goal.

This is really true. It's definitely worked for me.
xic55401, what you say really reminds me of what it felt like to be me about a year ago (I'm 28 ). I'll add a couple of observations based on my experiences since then.

The first is, you do not have to out yourself to everybody to start exploring options and enjoying your life more. I am out to very few people. Despite this I've discovered that I can be myself (open about my interests, tastes, personality) to other people and they actually like me; I can do things like buy Brokeback mountain, go to a gay support group (one of those 'newcomer' groups), gay bars, and even the local gay nightclub without the sky falling in; I can get to know someone on a dating site and meet him around town; I can talk to my friends about having seen a production of Angels in America with a gay friend; all without anyone (so far) seeming to notice, draw any inferences, or (if they do) care. I am happier about myself and about life in general than I have been in years. I don't live in a very large city, and most of my social life takes place within a small radius in the main entertainment district, where I also live.

Maybe it's because I'm bi and give off mixed messages. Or because most of my friends are pretty liberal/metro. I don't know.

But this brings me to my second and main point. You will get good outcomes if you handle your 'coming out' process strategically. You want to get to know and surround yourself with people who don't have strong views about the kind of person you should be, who won't be freaked out by your sexuality and who value you for being the kind of person you feel comfortable being. The more you do that, the less you will care about what all the other people think because you won't be so dependent on them for support and validation. The way to do this is to explore and diversify: talk to a variety of people you don't already know at parties, join clubs, follow up opportunities to see people you like there again. Eventually you'll find you have a network within which you can start to feel comfortable being more open. And you will find it much easier to like yourself because you're getting all this positive feedback from people.

Weird things can happen once you do open up to people. Last week at a party I was talking to a friend who was having relationship issues, and I felt I could only really give the necessary support to her by telling her that I was, in fact, bi, and that this influenced how I tended to deal with painful experiences. She ended up telling me that she was bi as well and that the relationship breakup was with one of the girls hosting the party. Go figure.

 

[tallguy297]

Hey xic55401,

You know the struggle its been. You will also know the freedom and relief when you get through this. You will have a whole set of experiences that will guide you for the rest of your life.
QUOTE]

I take this as a promise, ok?

That you can mate... that you can!

You've just got to promise to come back and tell us about it ok?

Deal?

 

[Paathogen]

Get your hands on Xanax.

I hope you were making a joke.

Even as a doctor, I wouldn't recommend a drug without knowing the person's background in great detail. It's reckless. (and Alprazolam really isn't something to be taken on a whim. It has definite and sometimes damaging side effects.)

However, if you were joking- then it's all good.

 

[xic55401]

i did it! i bought the out! magazine today... yay! actually, this has been my first 'gay' purchase ever and believe it or not- i still cannot believe it, i was super comfortable with it. I made sure that there was nobody behind me and I just went and did it. The guy who helped me asked me: Is this for someone else? do you need a gift receipt?" and I said: 'nope. it's for me" Then he even asked for my id (I have written in the back of my credit card: See ID) And I was totally ok with that. The reason why I was ok, i guess is because the Out magazine is kind of mild: I mean, it blends perfectly with Esquire, GQ, Men's Vogue, etc. etc. I don't know if I should have bought "Gay times" or "the ultimate kamasutra of gay sex"
I even went to a coffee shop today all by myself- I was thinking all the time...: what should I say if I find anyone I know here.... and I came up with the perfect excuse: I went for a walk and really needed to pee badly! (LOL)There was nobody I knew. I was totally fine there, still, a little bit uncomfortable, let's put it that way, but hey, that is a progress, uh? I just got a cup of coffee and read there the newspaper.
For all of the guys who are thinking about coming out and want to explore all this: A gay coffee shop is 1000 less intimidating than a gay bar ( I have been to 3 gay bars with friends a long time ago) and it is easier to find an excuse should you find an acquitance or something.
Thanks for all the help and support you guys game me! It meant a lot to me.
Oh, by the way! I am going to start therapy in February

 

[-Lance-]

You got to learn to love yourself to love your life.

And I browse the gay and lesbian sections of bn all the time.
Fun stuff.

 

[xic55401]

still, scary stuff for me :\