JUB came out for me

[GL]

She sent me an email. I'll let you guys decide.

I don't know what to say.

it's blackmail. pure and simple.

she is hoping to guilt you into changing, to be something that you know you're not by being combative and manipulative.

it's unfortunate that she's clinging to her faith and her bible and unwilling to see you for the son you are.

you may want to consider just limiting your interactions with your mother for the foreseeable future. i think what she is saying and doing is still a knee-jerk reaction to you coming out and hopefully one of these days she'll see the light.

 

[screwnutty]

Wow Jay.

That letter comes at a time when you really don't need it. But that's life. Bad things come in three's. Having read the letter and feeling sorry for your mom's actions that she has taken part in. (ie telling three people etc.) You made a dent in her faith. Take away all the bullshit emotional blackmail. Take away the bible theme. Take away the paranoia that your mom is feeling. (ie you called 8 times before you left for work) and were left with something that you can work with. So let's break down your mom's letter and see if we can find what she is really trying to say to you. It's there. She does care for you. She's scared and she's hurt.....very hurt. I think, you coming out gay to her has shaken her belief in God. Something that religious people don't like. Okay, now to prove my point.....

1. You are my son I love you and I will always love you.

This is a good sign. She loves you and she will always love you. She used this as her opening line before she started to get negative with you. The fact that she did shows that she does care deeply for you.

2. I will NEVER approve of your lifestyle so don't expect me to.

She's telling you up front that she loves you but that she will never approve of your lifestyle. Okay. Do you need her approval? Not really. At least she's being honest with you. My mom never approved either but there was nothing that she could do to stop me. I was over the age of 18 and living on my own with her help. She just needs to respect that it's your life, not hers.

3. I have seen you with your girlfriend and I know how much you lusted for her.


This one always comes back to bite gay guys in the ass. When people see you with a girl and then you go gay. They think it was because of the girl, or your just trying to be cool or confused. True is you were confused. Most of us are when were growing up. Besides, you did love this girl. Just not in that special way. If your mom brings this up...tell her that. I love my best friend. I'd give my life for him. But I'm not going to sleep with him.

4. I have turned you over to God. Good. I'm sure with all the stuff going on in the world that God made you just the way he intended to. If he didn't want gay people in the world...then we won't exist now would we. Just make sure that she stops trying to change your mind, and that it's in God's hands!

5. I have told 3 people, because I needed to talk to someone.

I love this line. Sorry but she's crying out for help here. She's completely in the dark. Her faith isn't helping her at all. So she's gone out to talk to friends. Think about it Jay. What do you do when your lost or need help in understanding a problem. You ask friends. Now I don't know what her friends are like or your teachers. But chances are she's going to meet somebody that isn't going to be pulling the party god line. Like somebody said....if she really wants to understand then have her contact PFLAG. I'm sure they have somebody that could help her. There must be religious people in PFLAG. Point is that any help she gets must be neutral to begin with...otherwise she think that your trying to convert her to your way of thinking. You don't want that.

6. Was your own mother not important enough to talk to yet these gay guys were.

Take away all the other shit in that sentance and you left with this. You hurt her. She thinks that your gay friends are more important then she is. Now this is where you need to let her know that she is important to you but that just like her, you needed to talk to friends and deal with this in your own way.

7. You gave me lots of hints while you were here, but didn't have the balls to say it to my face.

Okay. She is right. You should have told her in person. Instead of over the phone. You could always meet her somewhere on neutral ground where you feel safe and have a talk with her. If she wants and if you want. Not a yelling match...not a my god vs. your life match. Just a nice little talk about were you both stand.

Anyways Jay. Good Luck. I see you on MSN soon!

 

[mac_twck]

I am so sorry this is happening to you. As a mother of 2 I can not imagine saying those things to my child. My heart breaks for you. That being said...

I think that you need to back away from your mom. This is a very hard time for you and all of her negitivity will just weigh on you . Tell her you love her but you can not continue to listen to things that are so hurtful. Just as she feels that way she does, you feel the way you do and you need to surround yourself in people who love and understand you. I though was Lex said was very good.

I am here for you if you need a surogate mom.

 

[agentblack06]

Now that I've had some sleep and some time to ponder everyone's thoughts on this, I'll plug my own in.


You are my son; I love you and I will always love you. I will NEVER approve of your lifestyle so don't expect me to.

She has always told me that she would be supportive and be behind me in life no matter what came up. Until she found out I was gay it seems . . .

There will be a day when you wake up and realize that you regret what you have missed in life because of this CHOICE you made, and yes it is a choice, you were not born desiring men. You did not go through life thinking I want that guy.

The friend that originally pointed me to JUB is one that I talk to EVERY SINGLE DAY, either online or on the phone. He wanted me to be happy, and he thought it would be best if my family knew. He has said time and time again that I'm MUCH HAPPIER now that I've come out and accepted who I was. He told me this on messenger last night (and I quote)

"her close-minded naive self is NO ONE to say it's not a choice/you weren't born desiring men.. No, you're not going to one day wake up and realize what you missed. you're going to wake up every day for the rest of your life an be thankful for what you're NOT missing, now that you're finally happy. you immediately made phone calls after coming out. how has it NOT occured to her that maybe, just MAYBE, you needed support, since she obviously wasn't giving you any."

I have seen you with your girlfriend and I know how much you lusted for her. I saw how affectionate you were with her.

There are two girlfriends she could be referring to: one I dated for 2 years, and the one I broke up with after realizing that I'm gay. Seeing as she pulled an affection line, I have a feeling that she's talking about the one of 2 years. This girl was an utter nightmare. I stuck it out for two years (through cheating, (fist) fights {she was bigger than I am, and I'm 6 feet tall}, destruction of my personal possessions, and almost destroying my positive attitude). My mother saw me frequently kiss her, but never show any affection in public (because I couldn't stand being seen showing affection to a woman, nothing against women).

I can quote Bible scriptures to you, but that is the first thing that gays do is talk about Bible thumpers. You never spoke about Bible thumpers in your life until you started this lifestyle. You chose to be baptized because you believe in God so I have turned you over to God. He will take care of you and be there for you.

I never talked about bible thumpers because (at the time) it would have seemed hypocritical since she had me go to church twice a week and I didn't want to run into a situation of "you're trying to destroy my faith". If she did turn me over to God (take note, I've been atheist since I was 17), then maybe He will turn this around and show her that there's a reason gay people are on this Earth and that I won't change. Obviously this is a life and relationship building opportunity for the both of us. I was baptized because she told me I was going to be baptized. I asked her once about what baptism is, and she ran away with it without asking me if I wanted to be baptized.

I could beg you to turn your life around now before it goes any farther, but you would only tell me it's your life. Anything I would say to you at this point would be wasting my breath. So why do it.

So why are your writing more to this email? I'm not going to turn my life around because I'm happy now. I enjoy my time with the men I'm with.

You gave me lots of hints while you were here, but didn't have the balls to say it to my face. Even acted offended when I talked about butt buddies. That was my biggest clue until I saw the site you left for me. That was the real clincher.

I never knew that she got any of the hints that I dropped. Yes I didn't have the balls to say it to her face because I wasn't ready to say it to her face, and I wanted her to put some thought into maybe the fact that I'm gay so that it wouldn't be so hard on the both of us. I don't remember her ever bringing up butt buddies.

When you hugged me goodbye it was like you were hugging me for the last time. Maybe it was. We never know what the future has in store for us.

Maybe it was the last time, but I know at the moment she wouldn't accept me back in her house for the time being.

I have told 3 people, because I needed to talk to someone. My next decision is who to tell next. Should I tell Jacey? You talked about how she screwed her life up.

Thanks for outing me to three people I don't know probably. Jacey was the exgirlfriend of two years I was talking about earlier. She cheated on me in the end with the guy she later married. Last I heard she's blown her chances at college because she has a baby to raise, and she is 18 years old. She was 17 when she had the baby.

Sandra Goen, Tess, maybe your teachers, I was thinking about Mrs. Cannon. If there is anyone in particular you want me to make sure and tell let me know.

Actually, I'd prefer if she kept her mouth shut. This line pisses me off to no end.

It made Bruce and Mary Parks cry so I can only imagine how some of these others will feel. Bruce just kept saying he was such a fine young man as the tears rolled down his face and Mary just sobbed and sobbed uncontrollably. We all got in a circle and put our arms around each other and prayed for you.

Bruce and Mary Parks were former pastors of our church. Both of them are in their elder years, I believe in their early 70s.

I leave the impossible to God. I will not argue with you on this. You are in God's hands and He is still in the miracle performing business. I have been very sick and He gets me through each day. I know He is there for me. I can feel His presence.

Maybe I'm in God's hands, but she is right there along with me. I have battled with my demons (if we want to put this in a religious context), and I've become strong and will continue to be.

When you told me you said you had to get off the phone because you had to get to work. You immediately made a phone call in fact you made 8 phone calls within the hour. What about getting to work. Was your own mother not important enough to talk to yet these gay guys were. You had just broke your mothers heart and stomped it in the ground and you have to call and brag about what you just did. You did it you did it hooray for Jarrett he just told the person that had always been the closest to him in life. The one that gave him birth. My heart bleeds for you.

I did go to work. In fact, I went to work 4 hours early so I could talk to one of my fellow coworkers about this and get her input. I needed support. I did not break her heart. I reestablished my faith in my sexuality by letting her know. I wanted her to (eventually) be supportive, or else I wouldn't have put her through this. I was glad I told her yes, but it wasn't the bragging she makes it out to be. It was reaffirming that I had people behind me and that I can and will be strong.

Someone planted a seed in your mind and mentioned have you ever felt different maybe like you didn't fit in. That seed was like poison in your mind and it was watered with all they were saying to you and it grew until finally- maybe I am gay.

No one planted a seed in my mind. Here's how it happened (the realization that I'm gay). I was joking with a friend, who was going to introduce me to a gay guy, that I could get him in bed. I meet him, think nothing of it. Later on, I am washing my hands (we are about to eat) when he asks if he can come in to wash his hands (I had the door cracked open). I said sure and he asked me to give him some room, in which I moved over. He looked at me and I looked at him, and he pushed me up against the wall and we made out for a few minutes. Everything felt exactly right, and nothing was missing. While we were kissing (I had pushed him up onto the counter where we washing our hands), I opened my eyes and saw that I was kissing a man, and I got the butterfly feeling. I smiled and we stopped, and went on to go eat. I saw him every day for the rest of the trip until I had to leave.

So now that is the path you chose because you listened to the wrong group of people. I feel for you because you are not able to stand up against this group and be Jarrett, a man to be proud of.

Go back and read the first sentence.

MOM

You know what? SHE RIGHT. IT IS A CHOICE. It's a choice to be happy and be with men, or live my life single, alone, and wonder what had happened if I accept myself, even after my mother's tantrums.

 

[jg1989]

My g/f of 8months(now an ex) said the same thing to me(it being a decision to be Bi).. I had told her I was Bi about 4-5 months ago and she blew it off, and thought I was joking when I would make comments about guys in movies.

We broke up in January cause I told her that I really am Bi & have known for 3-4 years, she told me that it was just a phase and I just thought I was and if I me and her kept going out i would forget about guys.

Then next day I told her if she can't except the other sid eof me then its over its over. Of course ever one only knows half the reason why we broke up,being that i am not ready for everyone to know I am Bi.

 

[G-Lexington]

You sound like you're in a good spot, agent, given what how your mother is reacting. Keep the lines fo communication open - don't shut her out completely - but don't feel you have to endure any guilt trips from her, either.

And welcome to the other side. It gets better from here on out.

Lex

 

[Blueboy369]

Here are a few words I think you should say:

Mom,
I am your son. The person you raised with all of the wonderful things that you instilled in me. I have not changed because of my sexual preferance. I am still J. I realize that we have a difference of opinion as far as my personal life is concerned but I am hoping that your love for me will outway any negative feelings this has caused you. My fear is that, by pushing me away, It is you who will be missing out. I will continue to live my life honestly and by the wonderful examples that my family have taught me. In my heart I hope that you will always love me.

Your son.

 

[agentblack06]

Here's a draft of the letter that I was thinking about emailing back:

Dear Mom,



When I was 11 or 12, I got into a fight at school. Afterward, you told me you disapproved of the way I acted, that you understood where I was coming from, and that you would always support me. Even though you disapproved of what I had done, you were there for me. You had my back. You have always been the one person I could go to. Now I feel like you’re not there for me. When you stopped calling, stopped talking to me, I felt that you had disappeared out of my life. When I called you the other day, your questions seemed like an interrogation, and it seemed really harsh when you hung up the phone. I was in shock because you’ve never done that to me. When I received your letter, I was in shock again because I couldn’t believe you would say those words to me.



You raised me to have good morals. I am living my life based on those morals. I am recognizing who I am—who God created—and I have never been happier. This isn’t a phase, and it isn’t meant to hurt you. I’ve done a lot of soul searching. I’ve had a lot of sleepless nights. I wouldn’t be coming out to you if I weren’t positive this is who God wants me to be. It’s not a cruel joke. I wouldn’t do this to hurt you. I’m doing this so we can be closer. If I didn’t trust you I wouldn’t be telling you. You need to know who I am. I am the same person I have always been. I’m only now getting to know myself and I wanted to share that with you. Just as you wouldn’t judge a book by its cover, I ask that you not judge me because I am gay. That is a big part of who I am, but there is so much more to me than that label.



God challenges us in life and shakes our faith, only to make it stronger. Coming out to myself didn’t shake my faith as much as you not talking to me. I haven’t talked to my dad in a year and a half, but going a month without talking to you really tears me up. I realize this is very hard for you. This isn’t just about me. I think I understand where you are coming from. I hope you can come to understand where I am coming from. I never meant to hurt you in any way, shape or form. I knew this would be bag but I didn’t think you would stop talking to me. I knew you wouldn’t approve. But I’m really hurt that you have cut off communication.

You wrote in your email that you love me. Loving me means that you won’t “gossip” about this with other people (though it’s fine if you want to tell people who can help you work through it, people who will support you in this), that you don’t say harsh things to me, that you respect me in general (even if you don’t like some aspects of who I am), that you find out what it truly means to be gay (loving, committed relationships; and look beyond the stereotypes), it means being there for me, it means calling me to see how I am doing (and genuinely caring to know how I’m doing), it means being my mom. I want you to be there for me but, right now, I feel like I am on my own. It also means recognizing that you did nothing wrong. You raised your kids to be the best they can be. And I am, for the first time in my life, becoming the best I can be. I wish you could see how happy I am (not the last few days, but in life in general).



It obviously upsets you to talk about this. While I hope we can at some point, it seems best to not talk about it for awhile. I will give you space to figure this out. I hope that you do try to figure this out and try to understand who I am—even if this means talking to someone other than me about it. In the meantime, I hope we can still talk about other things. I really miss you and I really need you to be there for me.

 

[Blueboy369]

Very good letter. I know in time things will work themselves out. You'll see.

 

[tallguy297]

Hey Agent,

My heart breaks every time I read this last part of this thread - and now I read your letter that you want to send your mum. This'll be long and for that I apologize....

Agent, your posts show a guy whos becoming his own person, a man whos freeing himself from doubt and the weight that he carried around for a long time. They show a guy with values and morals... beliefs that will stand you well in the test of time.

But most importantly they show a guy who respects and loves his mother and family and friends with the whole of his heart. They show a guy who should feel very very proud of who he is becoming.

Mate... often times the process of writing a letter or putting things down on paper is more about the cathartic expereince for us than it is the affect it might have on the person you write it for.

And for that I think the letter you wrote is brilliant. Its heartfelt, its emotional and its real. Its a true account of your hurt, your love, your respect and your disappointment. Its a letter that let you pour your heart out and let loose those things that have lingered since you read hers.

But for now Agent... my advice to you is this - put the email away... dont send it. At least not yet.

Your mum has said some things born purely of ignorance. She has made the same sweeping generalizations that we all do of things we know little about. She has made comments based on issues that she doesn't understand or comprehend. She has made the fatal mistake of thinking she knows about your life and your past, when clearly she doesn't.

Some of that is her fault for sure... and some of it isnt. Ignorance exists because we simply have no need or desire to understand something we dont care about. It can be an evil crazy and useless thing like here, or it can be something we need to get by in life.

Its obvious that your mum is putting 2 and 2 together now. Its obvious shes looking back and seeing things that might have occurred in the past... the hints as she says. And my guess is that this hasn't been too far from her thoughts since this first happened. Yes, shes lashed out, shes been spiteful, and she's sought solace from those who she thought would see her side. She has done all the things that you and I would do too if we found ourselves in a situation where our world had been tipped on its head.

Sadly though, through this whole justification of her point of view, her looking for solace that she wasn't to blame (because Agent thats what this is really about) and her need to tell you all of those things, she forgot about you. This all of a sudden became about her. HER son was gay. HER son had hurt her, had been struck down by the work of the devil if you will.

But as time passes a few things will happen.

First, she'll miss you. She'll know what she wrote and the longer that you leave it alone the more doubt will enter her mind that she was wrong and unreasonable in her approach.

Then, with that little awakening she'll start to ask questions. She start to listen to others - others who may not agree with her. People who wont automatically back her side. Just everyday people who just might shake her world. She'll notice the TV, the magazines, the newspapers... she'll slowly but almost certainly awaken from her ignorance.

Slowly she will question her values... and her choices. She will start to use that information to arrive at new conclusions. She will start to understand and to put stock and faith and value in you... not so much her.

In a way Agent you need to give your mum time to process what has taken you years to deal with. Your letter, while a beautiful thing, will only force her into a corner... a corner that remains firmly entrenched with ignorance. Its simply going to reinforce to her that you are beyond her reach.

Shes simply not ready to see your side. And by forcing this you run the risk of creating a divide thats too great to bridge down the track.

You love her... and she does actually love you. Thats all you need right now. Thats enough to make things right... and for now thats all you should tell her. Simply send her an email that says... "Mom, I love you... and no matter what I always will and will always want you in my life". Nothing more nothing less.

Give her some time Agent. Shes not perfect... and shes made a hash of this. I cant tell you how sorry it makes me feel to read all this. But this is something she has to figure out for herself... or at least start too. You have a huge role in that too but she has to be open to listening and while she remains in the dark, you may only antagonize things. You cannot argue with someone who cant see even the possibility of both sides...

Its not fair that you have worn this burden for years and now you have to take the high ground again. Its more hurt that you didnt need. But sometimes life just keeps testing us... I for one Agent think that you can do this.

Your Mum cant be all bad... shes raised a son with some pretty special values and integrity. A complete whole son who's learning everyday about who he is. And she'll see that again soon. She'll see you for who you are, and come to realize that this isnt a game.

And on that day, show her your letter. On that day you can feel proud of the fact that you carried the burden for 2.

 

[agentblack06]

I really appreciate the post Tallguy. I wrote this letter as a draft. Sometimes we write letters to just get our thoughts out on paper. We don't have to even send it. I just wanted to get my thoughts out. It won't be sent for a while. I want to get any form of attacking I can find out of it before I even finish it up. Maybe this will never get sent. Maybe it will get sent. For now, it's stored here.

 

[tallguy297]

I really appreciate the post Tallguy. I wrote this letter as a draft. Sometimes we write letters to just get our thoughts out on paper. We don't have to even send it. I just wanted to get my thoughts out. It won't be sent for a while. I want to get any form of attacking I can find out of it before I even finish it up. Maybe this will never get sent. Maybe it will get sent. For now, it's stored here.

Yet more good judgement and a sign of how you respect both others and yourself IMO Agent. You should feel really proud of how you are handling this difficult time... its a sign of who you are!