Kathy Griffin: My Life On The D-List - Bravo

[YeahWhatever]

I agree. Michael was a total prick. The ipod thing was so awkward.

 

[Corkles]

I'm really surprised that Michael seemed to be so reserved meeting Kathy and Matt. Was he even really a Kathy fan? I wonder.

Part of me wonders if he was really super nervous around the cameras. He did say in the beginning that he was super worried about saying or doing the wrong thing around Kathy.

I wish I'd have won that auction. Kathy rules and I think her parents are hysterical. I am also a fan of Kathy's friend Rachel True.

And what was up with the ipod thing?

 

[Joshua_me]

Shit! I missed that episode!

Not to worry, Sweetie....

It's Bravo.... It'll be on 117 more times, I'm sure.


Joshy

 

[closetkeis]

LOVE HER. She is freakin hilarious!!
I DVR her every week so I dont miss it.
Anyone see the 'strong black woman' stand up.
laughed my ass off the whole time.

 

[Kuja]

I would have been like Dr. Psycho (In the first episode) x1000, if I was in Michael's place. Seriously. A whole weekend. How the fuck do you not react to that.

She wrote a pretty hysterical entry on her blog...

[First Entry]

The New Season Begins

Okay, everybody, it’s a new season, and I got a lot to talk about, so I’m just gonna get right into it...

POLICE CHIEF TIM – MY HERO

Here’s what I want to say about Chief Tim: I LOVE him! And not just because he gave me a police escort (although that didn’t suck) but because he’s straight AND he thought I was hot. Everybody on the crew kept saying he had to be gay because they couldn’t believe that a straight guy could have such a huge crush on me. Well screw you, crew! Just because the man gave me flowers does not mean he’s gay.

Now Dr. Hong on the other hand – I’m pretty sure he’s gay. And I’m gonna take him up on that Pap Smear. A girl can never be too careful. (Hmm, I wonder if I can get Chief Tim to give me a police escort to Dr. Hong’s office...)

“I’M A HELPING TELEVISION WHORE”

I’m glad we surprised Prakash, that woman with arthritis. She was so, so sweet. A little too sweet if you ask me. If I had arthritis, I wouldn’t be sweet. Hell, I’m not sweet now, and I’m totally healthy. All I’m saying is, it would’ve been way funnier if Prakash was sicker and meaner. Ah whatever, it was fun. And I got some free press out of the deal, so everybody wins. Except Prakash I guess... what with the arthritis and all...

MY VAGINA CHARITY

Okay, I’m not even going to get into the whole eBay debacle. The entire thing was just too devastating and infuriating. How can they let people just bid and bid and bid, and then not make them deliver on their bids? I’ll tell you one thing – if I ever find out who the guy was who bid 28 grand and then bailed out, I’m gonna show up at his house, move in, and then not leave until he writes a $28,000 check to V-Day. You can mess with me all you want, people – but when you start messing with my vagina charity, that’s when it starts getting ugly.

Anyway, the press I did for V-Day was a lot of fun. Jimmy Kimmel was great, and the Tyra show went way better than I expected, and I got to do the whole catwalk thing which I love because it lets me pretend to be a supermodel and I don’t even have to make myself throw up or do coke or anything.... BUT, what you didn’t see on my show was the guitar I had to lug around with me.

Okay, backstory: Earlier this year, I bullshitted my way into the gift suite at the Grammy Awards, even though I really had no business being there, but you know me – I love gifts. And I love suites. So, while I was there, these people from the Gibson company gave me a guitar, and, like a fool, I volunteered to get a bunch of celebrities to sign it and then we could sell it on eBay and give the money to charity. I know, I know, enough with the charities already. What can I say, I’m a sucker for a cause.

So now I’m out doing press for my vagina charity, and everywhere I go, I have to bring this damn guitar. But Jimmy and Tyra were wonderful, and they both signed it. And Damien Marley was a guest on Jimmy’s show, and he signed it. So now I have a Gibson guitar signed by Jimmy Kimmel, Tyra Banks, and Damien Marley that I could sell on eBay for charity, but if I did that then somebody would probably just bid $28,000 and then back out at the last minute, so instead I just gave up and put the guitar in my garage.

LOUSIVILLE LOVES ME

Okay, so maybe you wouldn’t know it by the turnout for Kathy Griffin Day, but I do have a key to the city now. And a mug and some other crap. And my stand-up show that night went really great. Plus, I discovered this totally insanely delicious sandwich called The Hot Brown. It’s named after the Brown Hotel, and it’s soooo good! It’s got all this cheese, and ham, and turkey -- and it’s served in a bowl, like a casserole. But of course, I was on my goddamn diet when I was in Louisville, so I could only have like two bites of my Hot Brown. But once I decide to get fat again, I am going back to Louisville and eating Hot Browns for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Oh, and one last thing about Louisville. I’ve been reading my message boards.... (Which I do occasionally. And by occasionally, I mean obsessively.) And I’ve been seeing some posts from people who are angry about my “red state humor” and how I’m totally ignorant about the red states. And I just want to say that I have nothing but love for the red states. I just make fun of Republicans and Conservatives in general. That doesn’t mean I hate them, just that I enjoy making fun of them. Kind of like how I feel about Celine Dion. Except the Republicans don’t have a show in Vegas. But if they did, I’d be in the front row.

[Second Entry]

All About Michael

So much stuff I could write about, but really is there anything more fascinating than…

MICHAEL

The funniest thing about Michael, my eBay houseguest, was that he was totally the opposite of what I expected. Actually, that’s the only funny thing about the whole weekend. The rest of it was just plain sad. I mean, come on – When I heard somebody paid $5 Grand to spend the weekend with me, I pictured this super-fabulous gay guy in his mid-30s, with lots of disposable income, who’d come to the house, maybe redecorate a little, and we’d have this totally wacky weekend where we’d laugh a lot, make fun of celebrities, and do each other’s hair.

Instead, I got Michael. Who, by the way, I firmly believe lives in his parents’ basement.

When I first met Michael, I wasn’t even sure he was out of the closet. That is, until later that night, when he started describing a man he’s had sex with who has a very graphic scar on his penis. When a guy does that, you know he’s out. And if not, whoops…

Michael could not have been more unfazed by Hollywood and me in general. And the worst part was that the more unimpressed he was with me, the harder I tried to win him over. Sometimes when I do stand-up and I’m totally bombing, and I should just get offstage, I’ll just keep going and going, hoping that eventually the audience will laugh, even though staying on stage usually just makes them hate me more -- but I can’t stop, because I have a problem and I need people to love me. My weekend with Michael was kinda like that. Except I really don’t care if Michael loves me or not. (Okay fine, I care a little – I said I have a problem, for Christ’s sake…)

NOT ONE OF THE GIFTED ONES…

Michael was just so… what’s the word I’m looking for here… Oh yeah -- rude. Really, really, really rude. He never showed any appreciation for all the stuff we were doing for him. Like with the damn gift bag. I have seen people get in fistfights over a gift bag. Hell, I’ve gotten in fistfights over a gift bag. But when I tried to give Michael my gift bag from the Costume Designer’s Ball, he acted like I was handing him a bag of Pom-Pom’s poop. (Which by the way would probably fetch a pretty penny on eBay.) And bad enough that he didn’t want the stuff inside the gift bag – he didn’t even want the bag! And it was a frickin’ Lacoste! My parents were practically begging him to take it. They were all, “Take it. Take it. Give it to your Mom…” But he still wouldn’t take it. Because apparently the only thing Michael hates more than gift bags is his Mom.

Oh, and you wanna hear something else? You know how I hired that private chef to come over and make a big fancy brunch for Michael? He wouldn’t eat the salad the chef prepared because it had garbonzo beans in it and he’d never seen a garbonzo bean before. But the best part is that on the way to the airport Michael asked if he could stop at Burger King -- and this is a direct second-hand quote -- because he “hadn’t had a good meal all weekend.”

By the way, Michael, if you’re reading this -- guess what the main ingredient in a Whopper is? Garbonzo beans.

THERE’S NO “I” IN “IPOD”

Speaking of Michael’s ride to the airport, I also heard that he made the driver in the car play the latest Geri Halliwell CD not once, but TWICE! (And seriously, can we just discuss how random it is that Michael’s favorite celebrity is Geri Halliwell. Not Britney. Not Gaiken. But Geri Haliwell. Forget favorite celebrity -- she’s not even my favorite Spice Girl. I’m a “Posh” girl. But that’s probably just because I want to make out with Becks.)

But my favorite thing about the whole Michael fiasco was how after he left, and we thought he was gone, we see him walking around the house, looking in all the closets, trying to find an iPod. When I first saw him, I thought he forgot something, but then he said to me, “I don’t mean to be a pain, but I really want that iPod.” And I was like, what the hell is this freak talking about? But apparently, the day before, when Michael was bitching about the gift bag, he said something like, “I thought it would have something good, like an iPod.” And my friend Adam told him that he should just take one of my iPod. That all celebrities have a closetful of free iPod. And since Michael doesn’t understand things like “sarcasm” or “jokes,” he thought Adam was serious, and he was coming back to get his free iPod.

So here’s a word of advice for anybody else who might be staying with me some day: I don’t have iPods just lying around the house. I have my iPod. It’s got some Backstreet Boys and Celine on it. But no Geri Halliwell, so Michael would probably hate it anyway. Almost as much as he hates gift bags, and his Mom, and Garbonzo beans.

 

[Joshua_me]

^Just Unbelievable !^

I watched that episode again this afternoon...(Hey, I have no life !
Don't judge me ! )

And I guess it's the gift bag thing that pissed me off the most.

People ! It's basic manners 101 to accept a nice gift when it's
given to you ! Most people learn this by age 10, for Pete's sake.

Even if it's the most dreadful thing you've ever seen and plan to
're-gift' it as soon as possible, or even toss it in the nearest dumpster when no one is looking.... You accept that damned gift with a smile and a 'Thank You'.

Not this tool.

To say, 'I don't want this' and 'Ill never use this' over and over
again is just beyond the pale. Was this A-hole raised by wolves ? (And rude wolves at that ?)

*Sheesh*

I'd send him a damned iPod and a bottle of Astro-glide and a note indicating what he can do with it.

Joshy

 

[doctorsun]

What I can't believe is that this guy paid $5000 to spend the weekend with someone he obviously had very little interest in. What's up with that? And, he's only 20 years old. I'm 21 and I'm $10,000 in DEBT. I certainly don't have $5000 to spend on ebay bidding on an auction I don't even really want. Where did he get the money?

And wow, I'm still just in shock about the iPod thing. That took balls to walk back into her house and not even ask for one, but to start looking around for one without her or Matt even knowing he was still there.

 

[closetkeis]

What I can't believe is that this guy paid $5000 to spend the weekend with someone he obviously had very little interest in. What's up with that? And, he's only 20 years old. I'm 21 and I'm $10,000 in DEBT. I certainly don't have $5000 to spend on ebay bidding on an auction I don't even really want. Where did he get the money?

And wow, I'm still just in shock about the iPod thing. That took balls to walk back into her house and not even ask for one, but to start looking around for one without her or Matt even knowing he was still there.

I just watched this episode. I cant belive this guy showed no interest at all being in her house. If I spent 5000 1st off I would only spend that if I REALLY wanted it bad. 2nd I would show some excitement just being there. The kid had no personality and the nerve of him to go back into the house and start looking for an ipod. That was the icing on the cake.

 

[jaysizzles]

Kathy's great...and I love the way she collectively refers to us as "the gays". It's endearing coming from her...but anyone else...no way!

I've seen her standup shows and her D list show a few times in the past few weeks...confused on which skits I saw where/when but it was all so good. I'll watch 'em again...and buy the dvd's when I can.

One would think Michael was a set up because he was so quirky...just to give Kathy more material...but I'm sure he wasn't. She can turn any event/situation into humor. It works to her advantage that things don't always go smoothly for her.

I laughed so hard when Tyra interviewed her...ghetto Tyra & ghetto Oprah...too much! And when she blasted Starr Jones for being the bitch that she is....hysterical.

My favorite was her story when she brought her dogs to Palm Springs...taking the crap...her getting locked out of her room in her underware and getting help from the lesbians....I was crying laughing so hard.

I can't wait for more.

 

[closetkeis]

My favorite was her story when she brought her dogs to Palm Springs...taking the crap...her getting locked out of her room in her underware and getting help from the lesbians....I was crying laughing so hard.

I can't wait for more.

That was my favorite bit as well. I laughed my ass off the whole time.

 

[jaysizzles]

I thoroughly enjoyed last night's (6/20 #203) episode....Kathy in Iraq and Kuwait. A nice combination of her comedy and sensitivity to troops and hospital visit to injured soldiers. Interesting footage of bases, Saddam's palace, etc... The final comedy routine where Kathy, Michael McDonald of Madtv and Karri Turner of JAG did the improve (Jordan masturbating) routine was hysterical.

I highly recommend watching the repeats of it.

 

[Kuja]

"I hear Jordan."
"Run!"


I laughed so hard last night.

Here is the new blog entry:

I came. I saw. Iraq.
(Which is different than “I saw Iraq. I came.” Which did not happen. Because, like I said -- that place is a s**t-hole.)

So I went to Iraq to visit the troops, and it was absolutely one of the most incredible experiences of my life. But it almost didn’t happen. I had to do a lot of begging to be allowed to go. The army kept saying, “Yes, you can go,” and then they’d call and say “You can’t go because it’s too dangerous." Then they’d say, “You can’t go to Iraq, but you can perform for the troops stationed in Germany or Djibouti.” And I was like: Screw that! First of all, anybody can go visit the troops in Germany. It’s easier to do that than it is to get tickets to the World Cup. And, as for Djibouti, I am not going someplace that I can’t spell. No offense, Djibouti. In fact, I think Djibouti would be a good place for Angelina Jolie to have her next kid. But for me, it was Iraq or nothing.

Fortunately, it all worked out. Although I didn’t even really know I was going until just a couple days before. Then I had to deal with the people at Bravo who didn’t want to pay for insurance for me. They basically ended up getting me this insurance that was worse than an HMO plan. It was like, we’ll insure you if you’re killed, but if you almost die, you’re on your own. I think I would have had better coverage if I was an insurgent. I looked at their policy, and it’s very thorough.

HURRY UP AND KUWAIT

So I get to Kuwait, and even though I’ve been traveling for about 147 hours, we don’t even have time to nap or shower -- or order Kuwaiti pay-per-view movies in the hotel -- because we had to go to the base to get ready for the show. And by “get ready for” I mean “beg people to come to.” We literally went door-to-door like Amway sales people to tell everyone about the show. Basically, we bothered the Army. And it’s not like it’s a small base. That place is huge. It’s got a Pizza Hut AND a McDonald’s. It’s just one giant Halliburton playground.

PERFORMANCE ANXIETY

Okay, first of all, I’m really grateful to Keri Turner and Michael McDonald for coming to entertain the troops with me, but I have to say, I’m still really bitter that Stuart killed and I didn’t. I just can’t believe that the armed forces care more about a seven-year-old character than my seven-year-old Nicole Kidman jokes. And he just did the voice -- he didn’t even have the rouge or the wig! But that didn’t bother these army people one bit. The whole time we were there, people would pass Michael and me, and scream, “HEY LOOK IT’S STEWART!... and the girl from News Radio.”

But besides the lack of recognition, the hardest part about performing for the troops was that I just had no idea what to expect. And I’m not just talking about the fact that they weren’t up-to-date on pop culture. We also found out that the soldiers didn’t like to make fun of their superiors as much as we thought they would. So great -- no pop culture and no making fun of people... there goes 90% of my act. Which is why I decided early on to rely on the other 10% -- swearing like a truck driver. The army put a lot of language restrictions on me, but I said f**k ‘em. These soldiers have seen real bombs -- I doubt they’re gonna get offended if I drop a few F-bombs.

But the truth is, the entire time I was over there, I was getting material. The second the plane landed, it was like, “Hey look at that crappy food” and “Whoa, who the hell are those crazy looking people?” And that’s material. And I knew that the more time I spent there, the more material I’d get. And the more comfortable I got with the troops, the more I’d figure out how far I could push the envelope with them. I have to say, the thing I loved most about performing for the soldiers was that they are so much cooler about making fun of themselves than celebrities. Everyone in Hollywood takes themself so seriously, and they get all worked up if you make fun of them. The troops get bummed out if you DON’T make fun of them. And you don’t want to bum out soldiers. They have guns.

SLEEPOVER AT SADDAM’S

I have to say that Saddam’s palace was less than fantastic. I mean sure, it was a great place to stay, and it had running water -- which is a hot commodity over there -- but the whole time you keep saying to yourself, “I can’t believe I’m in Saddam’s goddamn palace!” And then you feel bad for saying “Goddamn” while Allah is staring at you. But you get used to it. The army is really into maintaining Saddam’s palace -- they haven’t even redecorated it, and it’s still got all this totally tacky stuff everywhere, like Sears and Roebuck bedding and a dining table for 30, and gold desks with these super fancy knobs, and the army hasn’t removed a thing. (I did though -- Just a few towels. It’s a bad habit. I’m working on it.)

And yeah, there was a rocket attack the night I was at the palace, and yeah, I did think it was just a door slamming... but that hasn’t stopped me from being overly proud and frequently using the phrase, “I survived my first rocket attack.” I definitely think I should get some sort of certificate to acknowledge my bravery. Or at least a Purple Heart. I’m going to have Jessica call the army to make sure that happens. Or maybe she can just text them...

ON A SERIOUS NOTE...

...I just want to talk for one second about Sgt. Adkins, the wounded soldier I met in Tikrit who had just survived a mortar attack that took the life of his fiancé. Meeting Sgt. Adkins was something that I will never, ever forget. I think about him every day, and wonder how he’s doing, and if he returned to duty, and I just want him to be safe and to know that there are lots and lots of people in America who are grateful for the sacrifice he’s making on behalf of this country.

Look people, I know this wasn’t the funniest episode of the show that’s ever aired, but I am so proud of it, and I hope that you enjoyed it even though it’s not a laugh-a-minute. Although I guess I should be honest with you all about the real reason I went to Iraq -- I just wanted something to throw around the next time I see Anderson Cooper at a dinner party. I’ve never been to a dinner party with Andy Cooper. I’m not in the same circles as Andy Cooper. But I will do anything to impress him, and maybe the fact that I went on this trip will actually get me invited to an Andy Cooper party.

If not -- I move onto Amanpour.

 

[closetkeis]

I thoroughly enjoyed last night's (6/20 #203) episode....Kathy in Iraq and Kuwait. A nice combination of her comedy and sensitivity to troops and hospital visit to injured soldiers. Interesting footage of bases, Saddam's palace, etc... The final comedy routine where Kathy, Michael McDonald of Madtv and Karri Turner of JAG did the improve (Jordan masturbating) routine was hysterical.

I highly recommend watching the repeats of it.

I laughed so hard last night with that routine. I so love the show and can't wait to watch every episode.

 

[YeahWhatever]

I thought last night's episode was OK, but a little too serious for me. I can't wait for her to get back to LA.

 

[Gay Angel]

I thought last night's episode was OK, but a little too serious for me. I can't wait for her to get back to LA.

I agree that this past episode was a lot more serious than her previous episodes, but I think it almost makes us, as her fans, take her more seriously - she did risk her life by going to Iraq to lift the morale of the soldiers fighting there - and how many A-listers have we seen doing that? I do, though, look forward to her more hilarious episodes - Kathy is just too funny!

 

[Homoaffectional]

Not to worry, Sweetie....

It's Bravo.... It'll be on 117 more times, I'm sure.


Joshy

as opposed to the 217 more times it would be on were it MTV and the 817 more times it would be on were it LOGO?

 

[YeahWhatever]

How random was it that Laguna Beach's Talan showed up at Kathy's house? At first I thought it was a joke, but wow. I loved her crack about him doing gay porn. I guess I have to give him credit for rolling with it.

And what was up with that Star interviewer? Cuckoo!

 

[Joshua_me]

And what was up with that Star interviewer? Cuckoo!

And, as it turns out, a lesbian with the hots for Kathy !

I'm amazed I didn't pick up on that earlier in the episode, but
the planet Lezbonia always messes with my gaydar.

Another good episode, and much to my surprise I find myself
a little attracted to Matt, her hubby

Hmm...

Joshy

 

[Corkles]

how did you know she was a lesbian Joshy?

 

[epicAdam]

^^

Because she practically said so.