Late coming out

[BeamKatana]

Hi,
first time posting here.
I am German, so please excuse spelling mistakes or grammatical errors!
But somehow I feel more comfortable posting in an English-speaking forum.

Well, I am 29 and so far have only been with women, nothing serious, no long term relationships. It was OK, but I always knew, that I was more interested in men.

I never had the strength to tell anyone or to go out and make any experiences by myself. Especially stupid, since my best friend from school had his coming out 6 years ago. Even though we don't see ourselves often, as we are living quite far away now, for Germany at least, we still keep contact.
To make this clear: No feelings, except friendship, involved here.

I Kept myself busy with my studies, then the first job (was terrible, free time and weekends primarily meant searching a new job...) and now for the first time since starting university, I feel like I have arrived somewhere, where I would like to stay for while.

And now I see something is missing.
Especially, since a year, a year and a half ago, I developed a major crush on an online friend, who is straight. That has passed, but it made me think of a serious relationship and that I really miss this.
Don't want to have one night stands, then I could just visit those specific sites and, well...

And now I am not sure, what to do
Was thinking about going to a counseling service, though this sounds so stupid.
They have one here, and also some groups are attached to that organization, where I could meet people my age.

But more important: Tomorrow I will also talk to the gay friend, I mentioned, as we need to organize some things. Well, and I am thinking about coming out to him. Not sure, if that is a good idea, only on the phone, last week we even saw each other and I did not say anything... But then again... At least I can talk to him. Not even sure, if he suspects something.

Should I wait? Maybe go to a counseling first, or should I try to talk to him tomorrow, if I can manage this at all?


Thanks for anyone reading my stupid stuff here, and especially thanks for any advice from you guys!

 

[looseliam]

Welcome to JUB!

I do not know if in this situation counselling is the best idea. I recommend talking to your friend. Tell him you're gay. Tell him you're not sure what to do now. If he's a good gay friend, he'll drag you out for some gay fun and play matchmaker! ;)

 

[Seasoned]

Welcome and don't worry about your English. It's just fine.

I'm going to agree that you ought to tell your friend. You'll have some built in support that ought to boost your confidence. You may also want to explore counseling at some point especially if you're not able to move into the social life you desire on your own.

I'm wishing you the best and letting you know to feel free to update and post often. Best wishes!

 

[Eagle653]

Welcome to JUB! It's good to have you here. Like the others, I agree that talking to your friend is a great idea. The first person you tell is always the hardest, but I always think telling the "easy" ones first is best because they are most likely to understand you and help you.

Good luck! Let us know what happens. Welcome, again!

 

[HunterM]

Congratulations and welcome to JUB!

Best wishes to your new life man.

 

[jensu846]

yes, tell your closest friend. it will be easier from then on. Once you come out, you will feel relieved and wish you had done it sooner. I waited til I was 27 and regret taking that long. All my friends suspected anyway, so as it turns out, I was only fooling myself. good luck!!!

 

[burke67]

Welcome BeamKatana!

Counselling seems perhaps a bit much at this juncture.

Your friend is your best ally in getting on with getting you "out" of your head and enjoying your life. Be open and honest with him when you feel the time is right.

Cheers and best wishes.

B

 

[BeamKatana]

Thank you all for welcoming me here

It was a strange day at work, had much to do because I had one week off, but still kept thinking about the whole thing.
Basically I decided to tell my friend first and would have tried today.
But when I left the office and went to the train station I just received a message, that he forgot an appointment and we have to postpone the call until wednesday, two more days of thinking and going through every possible reaction in my head
At least, the next two days will also be busy...


But I am still considering this counseling service, they have here. If my friend was living nearby, I would not go there.
But as a short background: I moved to this city about a year ago, I have my, straight, friends here. I was also lucky, as one friend, whom I know since first grade, also works here But I also consider him one of the people, with whom it might take me the longest to tell them...
So in my current situation, I would mostly use the counseling to get some local advice, where to go, what to do here. As I said, they have some groups attached to the organization, which are not necesarrily meant as groups for people, that recently came out.
If I get to know some nice people from this region there, this would help me a lot. Not yet feeling comfortable, in going out alone and getting to know people by myself

 

[burke67]

Take your time, and do pursue what you feel is best for you. If you feel counselling will help you in any way shape or form; do pursue it. Small steps seem to work best in my experience.

 

[wikke1]

Hello!

I think I can relate to your story.
I came out mid december 2011, when I was (already) 27.

The only thing I can tell you, is that you will feel a lot better after coming out.
I hope for you that you arn't "suffering" as much as I was, those last months in the closet.
But if you are, better now than later.

I myself felt like I "had" to tell it to my parents first.
But I guess everyone is different.
I also thought/think I need some counseling, but otoh, I think coming out to people you know, and getting their reaction is a form of counseling in itself. Do I make sense?
I think that, after coming out, you'll go through a whole process (atleast I am)...

One thing I did (and still do when coming out to people "I find important") is to put deadlines.
You know? Really make an appointment with someone, and forcing yourself into the opportunity to "share your secret".

I'm sure you'll do whatever feels right for you.
I wish you all the very best.
If I can just leave you with a (very) positive note.
Coming out, to me, meant believing in the "good nature" of people/humans again. Maybe I was just blessed...

 

[BeamKatana]

I came out to my friend today, whew Feeling much better now!

When I said it, there was just a sudden squeak from him before he said "Welcome to the club" and laughed
He had thought about me possibly being gay, but he was very unsure about that, and came to the conclusion, I wasn't. Well...

Was a long conversation, he gave me some good advice, was a really good talk!
Only bad thing is, that he doesn't live here, so I gonna have to find my own way, but at least I can contact him any time


So, this was "the easy one" but when the moment came to tell him, it still was hard enough.
Will take me some more time and I will not rush this now.

 

[Seasoned]

Good, one! Congrats. You are on your way.

 

[burke67]

I think coming out to people you know, and getting their reaction is a form of counselling in itself. Do I make sense?
I think that, after coming out, you'll go through a whole process (atleast I am)...

Yes Wikke1; that does make sense.

This may be your experience as well BK. As you come out to more of those that you care to; you throw away the baggage of your closet. This will surely remove a great part of your mental burden and will directly impact how you see the world, and yourself in it.

I came out to my friend today, whew Feeling much better now!
...
Will take me some more time and I will not rush this now.

Awesome! Glad to hear it went well. Congrats.

It's good that it's gone well, and you have a friend who's "been there done that" that you can discuss your continued coming out with. Remember, the pace is your's to set.

Cheers,

B

 

[chrisw87]

Beam,

Your English is great for being a second language!

Great to hear that you took the first move and came out to someone that wouldn't react negative.

Please, stay on this forum and chat to people. It is a great place with many members, chatting here especially about your struggles, desires and life can help give you the confidence to accept your love for men with pride.

Before JUB, I was quite afraid about letting anyone know my true desires. Now I am careful (in work reasons) however I don't care what other people (except my parents) think, it is a part of who you are and it should be embraced.

Now you can look forwards to creating a great life and experiencing as many good things as possible

(p.s feel free to speak German, it might be an 'angry' sounding language to many people, but it is sexy as hell to 99.9% of the world )

 

[BeamKatana]

Thank you all!

wikke1, I did not see your post yesterday, otherwise I would have reacted to it

The only thing I can tell you, is that you will feel a lot better after coming out.
[...]
I think coming out to people you know, and getting their reaction is a form of counseling in itself. Do I make sense?

You totally make sense
Also, when talking about deadlines. After yesterday's conversation, I started again to think about when to tell whom. One thing, my friend told me yesterday, was, that if anyone besides the family deserves to know first, it is the other friend, that I mentioned. We know each other for such a long time and if there its somebody, except myself, that I fooled most, it's him.
I just hope, he takes it well

I myself felt like I "had" to tell it to my parents first.
But I guess everyone is different.

That is just something, that I will not do on the phone. I would have had the chance to tell my brother and mother a week ago, but I wasn't ready. But it will be definitively the next time, I see them in person!


@chrisw87
If I register at a forum, usually, you do not get rid of me easily

There is one other thing, you say, that is important: Don't care, what other people think.
And this really is something, that I have to work on.
But what I can also connect with, is being careful about work. I do not think my boss or my other close colleagues would have a problem with me being gay, but I am working for a global company, I have contacts all over Europe, the Americas and Asia and you never know, whom you will have to deal with in the future and what kind of person that is

And German? Sexy? Do not kid me

 

[Ganoderma]

hi BeamKatana,

First of all, welcome to JUB and nice to see that you have already made some progress in telling your best friend that you are gay as well.

So you told us: "He had thought about me possibly being gay." and I tend to think that there will be more people around you (friends / co-workers / relatives / aquaintances) who will have thought about this topic.

Why? Well, you are 29 years old, you told us you never had a serious thing with girls, you are a well-educated guy with a good job, and all girls around you will be aware that you are not a womanizer, and that you don't flirt with girls. So I would not be too much surprized that more people around you might have thought about the reason why you are still single.

Well, you live in Germany (I am living in The Netherlands) and there are alot of open gays living in Germany as well. Towards my opinion, it is not a big deal for most Germans that you are gay (as most of them will have a friend / co-worker / aquaintance / relative who is also gay).

I also tend to think that you should not bother too much about being open about yourself at your job. Currently, alot of global companies are high ranked on lists with a LBGT-friendly work environment. At the moment, I am not aware if such a list also exists in Germany, but the UK and the US do have such lists (they can be found easily through a Google seach). I even think that it is better that your boss and your co-workers are aware that you are gay. Being honest is always much better then 'lying'? I mean, right now you somehow pretend to be 'straight, single, and still looking around for a girl', aren't you?

And don't forget that Guido Westerwelle (the German Minister of Foreign Affairs) is an open gay. An important part of his job is visiting many foreign countries, all over the world, mainly for commercial purposes. Well, the president of Belarus did not like to talk with him because he was a gay, but Loekasjenko is a dictator of a country where human rights are very, very poor.

Good luck and best wishes.

 

[BeamKatana]

So you told us: "He had thought about me possibly being gay." and I tend to think that there will be more people around you (friends / co-workers / relatives / aquaintances) who will have thought about this topic.

Why? Well, you are 29 years old, you told us you never had a serious thing with girls, you are a well-educated guy with a good job, and all girls around you will be aware that you are not a womanizer, and that you don't flirt with girls. So I would not be too much surprized that more people around you might have thought about the reason why you are still single.

This is just true and, and well, to be honest, I am pretty much aware of this.
I am really interested in my younger brother's reaction, I do not think, it'll be negative in any way, just interested, how exactly he will react.

I also tend to think that you should not bother too much about being open about yourself at your job. Currently, alot of global companies are high ranked on lists with a LBGT-friendly work environment. At the moment, I am not aware if such a list also exists in Germany, but the UK and the US do have such lists (they can be found easily through a Google seach). I even think that it is better that your boss and your co-workers are aware that you are gay. Being honest is always much better then 'lying'? I mean, right now you somehow pretend to be 'straight, single, and still looking around for a girl', aren't you?

At least my company has a set of guidelines, that are not only there to look nice on the website, but that have always been an important topic for all management, and especially in the last few months as there were some updates and because the organization wanted to spread the thoughts globally.
They do not only encompass equality as this is a general corporate principles document, but equality is one of the points.


I do not consider myself to be lying or pretending. It is much more totally leaving out that topic. Of course you can call this "lying by omission", I know.
And also, this comes back to your first comment, people thinking about what might be behind this. Also not the best situation, I suppose.

I gonna have to think about this again. I am pretty certain, that there will never be a "big announcement" at work, but I have to come to a conclusion for myself, how to react, if there is a situation, that would require lying

Well, with my boss it is somehow different. I have the feeling, that he is uncomfortable, when it comes to talking about personal matters at work, be it his own or other people's. I saw his reaction, when my coworker once started to talk about her private problems during lunch. He once even stated, that he did not like talking non-business in a business-environment and that he usually had a specific set of some harmless smalltalk-topics for persons, he meets.
We also do not see each other that often, as he usually works from home office, so it is a very professional relationship, we have. To be frank, I prefer this
To put it this way: If I was straight, married and had problems in my marriage - I think I wouldn't bother him with that either
But the lying topic would apply for him as well, of course.

Good luck and best wishes.

Thanks, I really appreciate your comments, made me think again

 

[Ganoderma]

hi BeamKatana,

Thanks for your nice and friendly answer and please excuse me for some delay in giving you a reply.

Well, your younger brother will also be aware that you don't have a girlfriend, and that you were also not very successfull with having a girlfriend in the past. I have no idea about his personality, and about his friends (and so on), but why shouldn't he have as well one or more gay friends / aquaintances as well? Anyway, it is up to you if you want to tell your younger brother that you are gay. Introducing a boyfriend to him is ofcourse the most easy way to let him know that you are gay. Any idea about his ideas about gay people, same-sex marriage (and so on)?

So you work for one of the many global companies who has a strong policy towards equal opportunities to anyone. Well, they I would not bother too much about this topic as long as you are single. Definitely no need to tell your boss that you are gay, when you have the idea that he is not used to talk about this kind of private issues. You are a guy, and you do your job on a proper way, and you don't have a partner. And when he feels uncomfortable to talk about such private items, then also no need to tell him that you are gay. Moreover, you don't have problems because you are gay (do you?), and your company is not an environment where alot of homophobes are working.

Again, having a partner is an easy way to let your collegues know on a very low profile that you happen to be gay (as the partner is a He). I don't have a real idea about your co-workers, and how much you discuss private items with your co-workers (though being gay is not really a private item for open gays). Female co-workers will be aware that you are single, and that you don't flirt with girls. You can also give some hints when one of your co-workers is asking you why you don't have a girlfriend. Telling 'I don't need a girlfriend' is already a good clue. But maybe none of your co-workers ever asks you this kind of questions.

Well, take your time, and see how things are developing.

Best wishes and feel free to react.

 

[BeamKatana]

hi BeamKatana,

Thanks for your nice and friendly answer and please excuse me for some delay in giving you a reply.

No problem, I am just glad for your help and all the advice in general, even if it takes some time

... I have no idea about his personality, and about his friends (and so on), but why shouldn't he have as well one or more gay friends / aquaintances as well? Anyway, it is up to you if you want to tell your younger brother that you are gay. Introducing a boyfriend to him is ofcourse the most easy way to let him know that you are gay. Any idea about his ideas about gay people, same-sex marriage (and so on)?

I am quite certain, that my brother will be fine with this. I am just more curious, how exactly he will react
We have never openly talked about the topic and I am sure, that he has no close gay friends, maybe just some people, he knows from university. But he knows my gay friend and has always been cool with him.
Just coming out by introducing a hypothetical boyfriend... Well, that'd be awesome, but I do not hold my breath for that one.

Moreover, you don't have problems because you are gay (do you?), and your company is not an environment where alot of homophobes are working.

What do you mean with "problems"? Not at work, of course, as nobody knows.
And I do not know any homophobes at work: I think if anyone openly said something in that regard, it would not be beneficial to his or her career - but only because they do not say something, you don't know what they think. That's why I'll just be a bit cautios.

Or do you mean on a more personal level? No, being gay is not at all a problem for myself, this does not affect how I "perform". Last week was a bit hard, not because of being gay, but because of admitting it to another person for the first time. Being at work though is the best cure, then I have much less time, to think about anything else but work, especially not last week

Again, having a partner is an easy way to let your collegues know on a very low profile that you happen to be gay (as the partner is a He). I don't have a real idea about your co-workers, and how much you discuss private items with your co-workers (though being gay is not really a private item for open gays). Female co-workers will be aware that you are single, and that you don't flirt with girls. You can also give some hints when one of your co-workers is asking you why you don't have a girlfriend. Telling 'I don't need a girlfriend' is already a good clue. But maybe none of your co-workers ever asks you this kind of questions.

Oh, there is one, who asks - but if I told her, I could also just write an email to everybody No, there are some colleagues (male and female, my usual lunch group and whom I also meet in private), with whom I could easily address the topic in a casual way. They talk about dates, girl/boyfriends, whatever, and as I said, currently I just become quieter.

And about the private thing: Yeah... I am working on that one, not only at work. I just want to reach the point, when I tell it people in the same way, I am telling them now, what my job is, what my hobbies are, or whatever.
Took some chances with my neighbors in this regard on Saturday, worked out well I suppose

Best wishes and feel free to react.

Thanks again

 

[bananagoof]

Hi! Congratulations on all these changes - from the sounds of things, you feel good about them

I just wanted to offer this thought - I obviously don't know your gay friend (the 1st person you told), so don't think I'm being critical of them, but I wanted to say that if you don't know a lot of gay people, just because this person is also gay doesn't mean that they will necessarily be a good friend to rely on for advice or suggestions. Trust your instincts and do try and make new friends (either online or through that centre you were mentioning), because I've seen people in various situations reach out to someone who on the surface should have been an ideal friend (either they were also gay, or they were also travelling, or they were of the same ethnicity) only to later realize that the person wasn't really a good match.

You're going through an important transition, so just be careful - don't open up too much or necessarily expect that someone else can walk you through this. Again - I'm not speaking about your friend because...well, I can't! I don't know either of you! I just wanted to make sure you thought about finding the right person to trust during this time of change.