Hey guys. I posted a thread on here a few years ago about me and my first bf breaking up. A lot of the advice helped, but one person said, "stay friends, and maybe you'll find your way back to each other eventually," and I never forgot that piece of advice.
It's so weird. It almost feels like after our big dramatic break up, a "new" relationship started - one where we are friends, sometimes lovers, always there for each other, like family.
Here is a quick run down.
We got together in March 2009. I was 20/21 and he was 17/18. We were together for a year. Very extremely in love, typical first love kind of thing. Extremely passionate. I told a friend once that I "love him so much it scares me". I felt - and still feel - like no one knows me better, and same for him - we have absolute trust in each other. But he was very young (and so was I) and we had our problems. After about a year, we broke up... we admitted we still loved each other, but we just weren't in the same places, and he really felt like he needed to be single and to grow. There was this feeling like, if we wanted to, we could have probably stayed together and been together a very long time and ''settled down'', but I don't think we were ready for that. It's almost like we found a really good match at too young an age.
So we broke up. I was devastated, of course, I felt like someone ripped my heart out of me, I didn't eat for days, was depressed for months, the whole deal. Eventually I got better though. We stopped talking for a few months, but by the end of the summer ended up hooking up once or twice, while becoming friends again. In the fall, it almost seemed like we were getting back together, but instead we just ended up staying friends.
Then he got a boyfriend. We stopped talking as much. I was fine. I was dating people and just went on with my life. Some months go by, him and his bf break up. Me and the guy I'm seeing break up. The first-love and I have sex again, and again, etc, hanging out, but not back together. Then the summer comes - this was last summer. Our friendship continues to grow and we start acting like a couple around each other again. When I was sick, he'd come to take care of me, and same for him. We'd still spend the night with each other sometimes. The sex still passionate. Around that time I wanted him back, but he'd still say no, for reasons I couldn't understand.
Then the fall comes. We continue being friends. Around November, I start seeing someone I really like. It only lasts a few weeks and I'm very hurt by all of the deception. The first-love comforts me. He complains about how I get so many dates, but he doesn't get any, and that no one thinks he's beautiful - it broke my heart to hear him say that, and I promptly reminded him that I think he's beautiful and it's never enough. While I'm getting over my most recent romance, him and I grow even closer. We start acting boyfriend-y again - I called him one of our old "pet names", we slip up and call each other "babe" and neither of us minded.
In the spring, I find out I got accepted to graduate school in another city - a goal I had since 3 years ago, one he felt he could never stay with me long-term because of ("different places"). We go out for drinks the night after I find out I got accepted. For the first time in a while, we make love. He grabbed my face, looked me in the eyes, and said "...tell me you love me" so I said it, of course. Then he kissed me and said it back. For the first time in years (barring a discussion about "i love you as a friend" to which he said "of course i still love you, dummy").
He confesses to me the next morning that me telling him I'm moving to another city made him realize how much he still loves me. My first reaction is that that is totally fucked up - since he was neglectful in the relationship too, one of the main problems always being that I felt like he didn't value me. But on the other hand, I was just glad he realized it. So then we go through the motions - should you come with me? No, that's impossible. Should we get married? No, we're way too young for that. Should I stay here? No, that's not right. So we decided that we would just continue to be friends and see where we are in a few years.
We had a discussion about how complicated that decision is, how flawed it is. He admitted to me that he thinks there is a "good chance" that we'll "probably" end up together. But that we can't speed up time. My whole problem with all of this is that, I think it's kind of awkward for us to be seeing other people, and falling in love with other people, when we still have a major attachment to each other. It makes me wonder, if we end up with other people, isn't that kind of strange - like we're only with that person because of better timing?
About two weeks after all of these conversations, he gets into a relationship with this new guy. The guy doesn't threaten me at all, and first-love swears it's not a rebound - I'm not so convinced. We still hang out, still talk, still have our "thing", our back-and-forth like a married couple. I have slept with him once since he got with the new guy, which we both felt bad about, but we also felt like our thing goes so far back that it's not even on the same page.
So, it puts me in such an awkward place. I'm now recently 24, he's 20. I'm not ready to settle down either, but I'm over the fun of hooking up and short romances (for the most part). Same for him (for now, I guess). We know each other inside out, we fight like a married couple, and I even love the things I can't stand about him. I love arguing with him, because it usually ends in some kind of sarcasm and laughter. I love the sound of his laughter. He drives me nuts a lot of the time, but in this way I can handle. I don't feel like I'm "in love" with him, in that cloud-nine kind of way, but something much more mature than that. All of this is mutual, I think - he puts up with all of my neuroticness, my quirks, but still loves me - just in a passive kind of way. He knows I love him unconditionally but rarely surrenders to it. We have this chemistry together that people around us say they can sense it.
I don't know what to do. I'm moving to another city 6 hours away. He doesn't have the experience or the money to come with me. And I really miss being in love, not just with him, but in general, I miss being loved. I miss those moments. I miss the safety of it, and the thrill too. So I know I'll date other people, and maybe fall in love with someone else too. But if first-love and I were any older, we would probably be shacking up together. He's going to come visit me too, and we're going to stay in touch and stay close. But it's hard. I don't know if we are doing the right thing, or if we should just admit we love each other and shouldn't pass it up because we're young or life or whatever. Or if we really could stay in each other's lives until we both find ourselves at an appropriate age to really commit to someone. I know love isn't a practical thing. But life is forcing us to be practical...so, what do you do when you have that "thing" with someone but you're too young or not in the same place (physically or emotionally) to act on it??
It's so weird. It almost feels like after our big dramatic break up, a "new" relationship started - one where we are friends, sometimes lovers, always there for each other, like family.
Here is a quick run down.
We got together in March 2009. I was 20/21 and he was 17/18. We were together for a year. Very extremely in love, typical first love kind of thing. Extremely passionate. I told a friend once that I "love him so much it scares me". I felt - and still feel - like no one knows me better, and same for him - we have absolute trust in each other. But he was very young (and so was I) and we had our problems. After about a year, we broke up... we admitted we still loved each other, but we just weren't in the same places, and he really felt like he needed to be single and to grow. There was this feeling like, if we wanted to, we could have probably stayed together and been together a very long time and ''settled down'', but I don't think we were ready for that. It's almost like we found a really good match at too young an age.
So we broke up. I was devastated, of course, I felt like someone ripped my heart out of me, I didn't eat for days, was depressed for months, the whole deal. Eventually I got better though. We stopped talking for a few months, but by the end of the summer ended up hooking up once or twice, while becoming friends again. In the fall, it almost seemed like we were getting back together, but instead we just ended up staying friends.
Then he got a boyfriend. We stopped talking as much. I was fine. I was dating people and just went on with my life. Some months go by, him and his bf break up. Me and the guy I'm seeing break up. The first-love and I have sex again, and again, etc, hanging out, but not back together. Then the summer comes - this was last summer. Our friendship continues to grow and we start acting like a couple around each other again. When I was sick, he'd come to take care of me, and same for him. We'd still spend the night with each other sometimes. The sex still passionate. Around that time I wanted him back, but he'd still say no, for reasons I couldn't understand.
Then the fall comes. We continue being friends. Around November, I start seeing someone I really like. It only lasts a few weeks and I'm very hurt by all of the deception. The first-love comforts me. He complains about how I get so many dates, but he doesn't get any, and that no one thinks he's beautiful - it broke my heart to hear him say that, and I promptly reminded him that I think he's beautiful and it's never enough. While I'm getting over my most recent romance, him and I grow even closer. We start acting boyfriend-y again - I called him one of our old "pet names", we slip up and call each other "babe" and neither of us minded.
In the spring, I find out I got accepted to graduate school in another city - a goal I had since 3 years ago, one he felt he could never stay with me long-term because of ("different places"). We go out for drinks the night after I find out I got accepted. For the first time in a while, we make love. He grabbed my face, looked me in the eyes, and said "...tell me you love me" so I said it, of course. Then he kissed me and said it back. For the first time in years (barring a discussion about "i love you as a friend" to which he said "of course i still love you, dummy").
He confesses to me the next morning that me telling him I'm moving to another city made him realize how much he still loves me. My first reaction is that that is totally fucked up - since he was neglectful in the relationship too, one of the main problems always being that I felt like he didn't value me. But on the other hand, I was just glad he realized it. So then we go through the motions - should you come with me? No, that's impossible. Should we get married? No, we're way too young for that. Should I stay here? No, that's not right. So we decided that we would just continue to be friends and see where we are in a few years.
We had a discussion about how complicated that decision is, how flawed it is. He admitted to me that he thinks there is a "good chance" that we'll "probably" end up together. But that we can't speed up time. My whole problem with all of this is that, I think it's kind of awkward for us to be seeing other people, and falling in love with other people, when we still have a major attachment to each other. It makes me wonder, if we end up with other people, isn't that kind of strange - like we're only with that person because of better timing?
About two weeks after all of these conversations, he gets into a relationship with this new guy. The guy doesn't threaten me at all, and first-love swears it's not a rebound - I'm not so convinced. We still hang out, still talk, still have our "thing", our back-and-forth like a married couple. I have slept with him once since he got with the new guy, which we both felt bad about, but we also felt like our thing goes so far back that it's not even on the same page.
So, it puts me in such an awkward place. I'm now recently 24, he's 20. I'm not ready to settle down either, but I'm over the fun of hooking up and short romances (for the most part). Same for him (for now, I guess). We know each other inside out, we fight like a married couple, and I even love the things I can't stand about him. I love arguing with him, because it usually ends in some kind of sarcasm and laughter. I love the sound of his laughter. He drives me nuts a lot of the time, but in this way I can handle. I don't feel like I'm "in love" with him, in that cloud-nine kind of way, but something much more mature than that. All of this is mutual, I think - he puts up with all of my neuroticness, my quirks, but still loves me - just in a passive kind of way. He knows I love him unconditionally but rarely surrenders to it. We have this chemistry together that people around us say they can sense it.
I don't know what to do. I'm moving to another city 6 hours away. He doesn't have the experience or the money to come with me. And I really miss being in love, not just with him, but in general, I miss being loved. I miss those moments. I miss the safety of it, and the thrill too. So I know I'll date other people, and maybe fall in love with someone else too. But if first-love and I were any older, we would probably be shacking up together. He's going to come visit me too, and we're going to stay in touch and stay close. But it's hard. I don't know if we are doing the right thing, or if we should just admit we love each other and shouldn't pass it up because we're young or life or whatever. Or if we really could stay in each other's lives until we both find ourselves at an appropriate age to really commit to someone. I know love isn't a practical thing. But life is forcing us to be practical...so, what do you do when you have that "thing" with someone but you're too young or not in the same place (physically or emotionally) to act on it??
