Losing People Due to Coming Out

[Thingsandstuff]

I'm struggling with the same thing.

The whole "if they are your true friends they'll support you" argument isn't doing much for me. I think it's a good thought after you come out and look back, but people in the closet are in the closet because they are afraid of change.

I don't stay in the closet because I want to have bad friends, I stay because I don't want to face reality (yet). Another problem with coming out to friends and family is the issue of time. Just like I had 10+ years to accept myself, some people might need time to accept me. But that raises the question "Is their mind made up or do they need time? and how much time?".

Coming out is a step that doesn't allow you to go back and that scares the shit out of me. People aren't divided into homophobic and gay-friendly, so there is truly a sense of an unknown, probably life-changing future. Kinda sucks.

 

[Thingsandstuff]

Yes, I lost friends and family.

People often try to console us by telling us that those who reject us never loved us. This may or may not be true. To me it is no comfort because it doesn't change the fact that I loved them. That's what hurts. I can't turn love off like a light switch. So you grieve their loss and get on with your life.

couldn't have expressed it better myself

 

[refujiunderground]

I'm struggling with the same thing.

The whole "if they are your true friends they'll support you" argument isn't doing much for me. I think it's a good thought after you come out and look back, but people in the closet are in the closet because they are afraid of change.

I don't stay in the closet because I want to have bad friends, I stay because I don't want to face reality (yet). Another problem with coming out to friends and family is the issue of time. Just like I had 10+ years to accept myself, some people might need time to accept me. But that raises the question "Is their mind made up or do they need time? and how much time?".

Coming out is a step that doesn't allow you to go back and that scares the shit out of me. People aren't divided into homophobic and gay-friendly, so there is truly a sense of an unknown, probably life-changing future. Kinda sucks.

this pretty much. you know, there are people that are that ignorant outthere. you know, they know the real you but if they were to find out this little issue, they suddenly dislike you. well, being gay is not looked up to period especially in the black community. there was this big ordeal some years ago (around 2005 or 2007) about black men living on the downlow which became a witchhunt for black men in the closet. it pretty much was a bad time to be a gay black male because even if you were out the closet, you were looked down on and were blamed for the spread of hiv/aids amongst black women and other things that had nothing to do with being gay. it was like gay black men were used as a scapegoat for all these problems. it resurrected the whole misconception that hiv/aids was a gay disease.

the only thing that it did was push us black men that were in the closet already further. nowadays, it's slowly getting accepted amongst black people but at the same time, it's not accepted because people still frown down on it and etc. you know, i would be happy as hell to jump out the closet if i knew those closest to me or around me wouldn't have a problem with it. i know one person, my father, would have a huge problem with it because he's one of those people that thinks he knows what's best for everyone even though he doesn't know shit. he's ready to tell me what i should eat, when i should eat, what i should do with my life, how i should spend my money, even if i go to new york, i should tell everybody exactly where i'm going despite me going to something involving a gay men support group, monthly trips to the lgbt center and occasionally the gay bar. i know he would flip out because he told me straight up "you better stay away from gay people or anything involving them" as if he was warning me. i don't like my father anyway. dude always was a controlling, selfish, manipulative, leeching, narcissistic, self centered dick that looks to himself so highly that he doesn't even know wtf he's doing with his life. he would be completely unsupportive of me anyway so fuck him.

 

[G-Lexington]

I lost nobody, so far as I know. I mean, people float in and out of my life all the time, and so maybe somebody drifted away because I was gay and I never knew that was the reason. But I certainly don't know of anybody who did so.

>>>People often try to console us by telling us that those who reject us never loved us. This may or may not be true. To me it is no comfort because it doesn't change the fact that I loved them. That's what hurts. I can't turn love off like a light switch. So you grieve their loss and get on with your life.

This, pretty much. We might be rather glib with the "if you lose them, you never had them" routine, but I think it's a distillation of the process. Some people do need time to come to grips with it. Other people never do. That said, I don't know of anybody many years down the road who said "I wish I'd never come out". Maybe they bemoan how they did it, or losing a specific person. But not the fact that they did it.

Lex

 

[Chip12414]

I think....as we swim the river of life....most of us lose touch with our high school and college friends when our lives move on, whether or not gayness is involved. We build newer (and longer-lasting) friendships once we have developed our personalities discovered our interests and become to know ourselves.

Family is different....for better or worse....they will always be around.

 

[roadtripboy]

It possible you might lose some friends. But, I believe in the long run you'll better off without the ones you lose.

You may also find some people who want to still be friends with you that you may no longer want to have as friends.

I had one co-worker I told who seemed fine when I told him. Later when he was at a party and very drunk, he made a very homophobic prank phone call to me. (He loved to make prank phone calls when drunk) He called (when sober) to apologize. He still wanted to be friends, but I thought what he said when drunk told me everything I needed to know about him. We're no longer friends. My choice, not his.

 

[Beachguyj]

I think knowing I was gay and that my childhood friends growing up are not that it distanced me from them. But even after high school we stopped hanging out, and when I started going out to straight clubs I made new friends and when I started going out to gay clubs I made other friends.

 

[Thingsandstuff]

this pretty much. you know, there are people that are that ignorant outthere. you know, they know the real you but if they were to find out this little issue, they suddenly dislike you. well, being gay is not looked up to period especially in the black community. there was this big ordeal some years ago (around 2005 or 2007) about black men living on the downlow which became a witchhunt for black men in the closet. it pretty much was a bad time to be a gay black male because even if you were out the closet, you were looked down on and were blamed for the spread of hiv/aids amongst black women and other things that had nothing to do with being gay. it was like gay black men were used as a scapegoat for all these problems. it resurrected the whole misconception that hiv/aids was a gay disease.

the only thing that it did was push us black men that were in the closet already further. nowadays, it's slowly getting accepted amongst black people but at the same time, it's not accepted because people still frown down on it and etc. you know, i would be happy as hell to jump out the closet if i knew those closest to me or around me wouldn't have a problem with it. i know one person, my father, would have a huge problem with it because he's one of those people that thinks he knows what's best for everyone even though he doesn't know shit. he's ready to tell me what i should eat, when i should eat, what i should do with my life, how i should spend my money, even if i go to new york, i should tell everybody exactly where i'm going despite me going to something involving a gay men support group, monthly trips to the lgbt center and occasionally the gay bar. i know he would flip out because he told me straight up "you better stay away from gay people or anything involving them" as if he was warning me. i don't like my father anyway. dude always was a controlling, selfish, manipulative, leeching, narcissistic, self centered dick that looks to himself so highly that he doesn't even know wtf he's doing with his life. he would be completely unsupportive of me anyway so fuck him.

To be honest, a "fuck them" mentality is the best attitude to have in the early stages. Not necessarily saying it but thinking it. I don't think I can afford not being selfish when coming out (I'll be an emotional wreck otherwise).

Anyway, I hope your dad accepts you one day and does a 180 in his character.

 

[refujiunderground]

To be honest, a "fuck them" mentality is the best attitude to have in the early stages. Not necessarily saying it but thinking it. I don't think I can afford not being selfish when coming out (I'll be an emotional wreck otherwise).

Anyway, I hope your dad accepts you one day and does a 180 in his character.

well, i hope he does too but the chances of that are zero. he's that screwed up. probably would be better off without him anyway. i know him but then i don't know him because he doesn't even tell the truth and kicks a lot of stories, telltales or whatever. so hey...

 

[Thingsandstuff]

well, i hope he does too but the chances of that are zero. he's that screwed up. probably would be better off without him anyway. i know him but then i don't know him because he doesn't even tell the truth and kicks a lot of stories, telltales or whatever. so hey...

well, whatever happens I wish you the best

 

[doetim]

If you lose friends after coming out to them then they were never really your true friends. I don't buy the argument of anyone having the right to accuse a gay person of making friends under false pretense when they're still in the closet. The struggle of being gay and deciding on when to come out is not like eating a scone at Starbucks in the morning.

 

[bigbear13201]

So far, I haven't lost anyone. For other reasons, one family member won't know, until someones head comes crashing through the wall

It has been an interesting journey. More anxiety over their reaction than the reaction itself. I told my "straight as an arrow, married with two kids" buddy about three weeks ago. It was surreal - I sent him a text to grab a drink - he asked if I meant he and his wife - I said no, just you. he then joked I was picking him up!

I did drive, and when I told him on the way home, he swears he knew EXACTLY what I was going to tell him! He and his wife discussed it for years since i redecorated their entire house after doing a timing belt on a VW . We've been "wired" that way for some time.

Ultimately, it was a great conversation, we talked about how my future partner would be introduced to his kids, and he said "whoever you do find, will be the luckiest SOB on earth. I love you, man."

As Dr. Suess said: "Those who don't care matter, and those that do care don't matter". Couldn't have said it better myself.

 

[chrisw87]

I am stuck in an awkward situation at work with this actually.

half of the staff I manage seem to keep hinting at me being gay, would actually make it easy to say that I am open to taking a dicking as well as liking women. However about 1/5th of my staff are quite homophobic for odd reasons (usually quite sheltered, or grown up in highly restrictive families that never taught them about diversity).

Thankfully the majority of my staff are quite open, considering we deal with mostly customer service it seems to attract a lot of gay employees, not so much at mine but the rival's for sure.

I have the fear that if I was actually 100% open about it then it would make it more difficult as a manager. Although there are legal protections against discrimination based off sexuality, it doesn't stop it. Then again, apart from some close friends I have there, its none of their business.

360 degree rant, ending in nothing

 

[asu1117]

Well, it appears I'm one of the few that didn't lose anyone. Even the people I was a bit worried about because I'd heard them make a few stupid comments in the past before were fine with it. Actually most reactions I got were overwhelmingly supportive or just didn't seem to care one way or the other.

 

[chrisw87]

Well, it appears I'm one of the few that didn't lose anyone. Even the people I was a bit worried about because I'd heard them make a few stupid comments in the past before were fine with it. Actually most reactions I got were overwhelmingly supportive or just didn't seem to care one way or the other.

I've actually never lost anyone either, but I've only ever told 5 people so meh.

Lost about 20 friends and my ex-fiance when I became a cop though! that was fun.