PASSAT
Slut
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Hi All~
I pop on here from time to time and occasionally have contributed but not really a regular poster on here. In days past (I am dating myself here) I was quite active on the BBS Chat Forums in days past but those are gone now and now we have blogs.
Today is day 10 after the loss of my partner of 30 years and although I know it's real, it just hasn't really sunk in yet. I can't imagine why it just hasn't sunk in though, the mailbox is overflowing with cards, letters and packages of comfort, plants and flowers have been arriving daily but I still keep thinking it's all a bad dream.
He was battling Leukemia for 16 months, we finally had a donor and the transplant was approved and tentatively scheduled for 4/28 when he came down with a rare bacterial infection. He was admitted to the hospital and they started to treat him, all seemed normal for 3 weeks and then things rapidly spiraled downward and out of control in a span of 12 days.
Last Monday, I was asked into a conference room and asked about a "DNR" (Do Not Resuscitate) - I could not believe my ears. The next day I was asked about starting to disconnect things..... My life was being destroyed and there I was with no way out.
I went into another mode and contemplated everything, I asked question after question, called friends and family and ultimately knew they (the docs) were right. This was killing me inside but I needed to stay strong to be there with him in his final moments and I was.
He passed at 2043 last Tuesday 05/03 - I had a viewing for him on 05/08 in a very special place because he was very special to me. He had been born on a Mothers Day so I felt it fitting that his viewing be on that day, the next day the 9th was the 8th Anniversary of my fathers death and my partner was in his favorite suit (one that he had received from my father) and on the 10th I had him cremated at 10:00 am (his birthday). I witnessed his cremation and I stayed there until the process was complete.
The next day, the 11th I returned to work to try and get back into some type of normalcy (I am still not there, my mind wanders at times) and I have been going in everyday since then but I am still in a strange fog about it all.
I wake up at 4:00 am and think to myself "what is wrong with you" - -This morning I woke up and checked email and what do I see.... an email from the local newspaper notifying me that his obituary will remain online until June 6th (my birthday) - - I thought to myself is this a sign telling me that everything will be okay.... I just don't know.
I know I am rambling and I apologize - I am not even sure why I am writing all of this in this forum but I am.....
Are these thoughts normal, I have cried at times but not for any length of time or a lot. I keep telling myself that I need to remain strong and I know he is in a better place. I am completely at peace that he is at peace and no longer is suffering but I also know that I want him back and can't get that.
My mind also tells me that I could easily fall into a dangerous place very quickly if I don't remain strong.
I guess I am just grieving but don't really know it yet....
Still very sad though.......
Anyway that's all I wanted to say/type for now......
Thanks for listening/reading....
I pop on here from time to time and occasionally have contributed but not really a regular poster on here. In days past (I am dating myself here) I was quite active on the BBS Chat Forums in days past but those are gone now and now we have blogs.
Today is day 10 after the loss of my partner of 30 years and although I know it's real, it just hasn't really sunk in yet. I can't imagine why it just hasn't sunk in though, the mailbox is overflowing with cards, letters and packages of comfort, plants and flowers have been arriving daily but I still keep thinking it's all a bad dream.
He was battling Leukemia for 16 months, we finally had a donor and the transplant was approved and tentatively scheduled for 4/28 when he came down with a rare bacterial infection. He was admitted to the hospital and they started to treat him, all seemed normal for 3 weeks and then things rapidly spiraled downward and out of control in a span of 12 days.
Last Monday, I was asked into a conference room and asked about a "DNR" (Do Not Resuscitate) - I could not believe my ears. The next day I was asked about starting to disconnect things..... My life was being destroyed and there I was with no way out.
I went into another mode and contemplated everything, I asked question after question, called friends and family and ultimately knew they (the docs) were right. This was killing me inside but I needed to stay strong to be there with him in his final moments and I was.
He passed at 2043 last Tuesday 05/03 - I had a viewing for him on 05/08 in a very special place because he was very special to me. He had been born on a Mothers Day so I felt it fitting that his viewing be on that day, the next day the 9th was the 8th Anniversary of my fathers death and my partner was in his favorite suit (one that he had received from my father) and on the 10th I had him cremated at 10:00 am (his birthday). I witnessed his cremation and I stayed there until the process was complete.
The next day, the 11th I returned to work to try and get back into some type of normalcy (I am still not there, my mind wanders at times) and I have been going in everyday since then but I am still in a strange fog about it all.
I wake up at 4:00 am and think to myself "what is wrong with you" - -This morning I woke up and checked email and what do I see.... an email from the local newspaper notifying me that his obituary will remain online until June 6th (my birthday) - - I thought to myself is this a sign telling me that everything will be okay.... I just don't know.
I know I am rambling and I apologize - I am not even sure why I am writing all of this in this forum but I am.....
Are these thoughts normal, I have cried at times but not for any length of time or a lot. I keep telling myself that I need to remain strong and I know he is in a better place. I am completely at peace that he is at peace and no longer is suffering but I also know that I want him back and can't get that.
My mind also tells me that I could easily fall into a dangerous place very quickly if I don't remain strong.
I guess I am just grieving but don't really know it yet....
Still very sad though.......
Anyway that's all I wanted to say/type for now......
Thanks for listening/reading....
Please accept my sincere condolences
