Lost my love of 30 years...... and feeling lost

[navidzurender]

My condolences..
That 30 years is a very precious moments that no money can ever buy.
Stay strong my friend, the pain will eventually subside, maybe 1 year, 2 years, 3 years or even a lifetime.
And by the time you overcome that pain, it will all be just a very good memories of you and him

 

[Iudicium86]

After Forever - 'Cry with a Smile'

Cry with a smile
My heart is bleeding
Bewildered I'm here alone
Why is there pain in a beautiful moment?
Why do I feel so lost, so empty?

Cry with a smile
My heart is healing
From pain I knew that would come
Why is there luck in a deeply sad moment?
Why do I feel so calm, so peaceful?

Take my heart and set it free
Take my heart and give it time to heal
I know in my memories you'll live
Take my heart a little while
Take it with you to the place you'll go
I know we will meet again some day

Cry with a smile
My heart was dreaming
Of time I knew would come to an end
Why do I cry about a beautiful memory?
Why do I feel so hurt, so lonely?

Take my heart and set it free
Take my heart and give it time to heal
I know; in my memories you'll live
Take my heart a little while
Take it with you to the place you'll go
I know we will meet again some day​

I do not know you and unable to give more consolation than my deepest apologies for your loss. I can't even imagine the toll on me if I lost my love of one year, let alone 30. I commend you for your strength and will throughout the ordeal.

I thought of this song because your situation also reminded me of events in my own family. Particularly with AIDS suffering [My Uncle]. The passing was what you could describe as bitter-sweet for my mom and the rest of the family. He was very ill and barely holding on. In constant pain, needing near coma-levels of drugs, and always taking turns for the worst. They dealt with his passing with tearful smiles as they knew he was at least no longer suffering.

I can only imagine that you may have the same sentiments, which can be the foundation for strength in going through loss. It's difficult to lose someone, but I think there can be some degree of relief that a loved one is no longer in pain and suffering.

But please, share your feeling with those who support you and want to help.

Peace and love be with you.

 

[geloge]

My condolences

 

[PASSAT]

Hi Ronboy~
Thanks for the reply, my very first love was murdered and I watched him live in a vegetative state for months. The trauma of his injuries and his eventual passing through me into a tailspin. I just now realized that experience is what may have me feeling like I am. I was very young when all that happened and swore that I would never go there again. It was a torturous living nightmare at that time.

It was shortly after that when I met Steven and I swore we would make it last and we did. He was certainly no angel (although he is now : ) - we learned something new about each other every day. It was a constant learning experience with us, even after 30 years we didn't know everything about each other and that was fun.

When he got sick with his AML - my heart sank, I thought I was going to lose him then but he was strong and pulled through. The AML came back 3 times and he beat it every time so now that we had the bone marrow donor I thought we were good to go but I was wrong.

Unfortunately during his last 12 days in ICU (with the exception of his first day there) he was heavily sedated and had his arms in restraints so we really had no communication. One thing I do have burned in my mind from that first day is him waving at me from his bed.

I also know that this is not just my loss, his passing crushed many. The staff at the hospital loved him, when I made my decisions last Tuesday all of his docs came over and spent time with him one by one. My heart also goes out to the Bone Marrow Donor, donors are very special people and they knew they were a match to someone and most likely could not wait for it to happen and now it won't.

A letter also just arrived from the Chief Director of the hospital/University addressed to me which I will cherish for the rest of my life. He stated that Steven made the very best out of a bad situation and that his love, sense of humor and will to live touched each and every one of them. He also thanked me for supporting them while they treated him.

I am just rambling again, sorry about that...... thanks for your reply. Below is a link to the video tribute I had playing the night of his viewing.

http://youtu.be/Hq5ATzEsw6g

Passat, I am so sorry to hear of your loss.

Death of the one you love is something I am somewhat familiar with.

I lost my first love in an auto accident when he was only 23. We had been teenage lovers....

Time will help...But I still think of him each day, even after 26 years that he has been gone...

 

[PASSAT]

WoW!

Thank you everyone!

I woke up a bit ago, just logged back on and am sitting here amazed at all of the replies to my posting last evening.

Your kind and generous postings of concern have brightened my sad heart and I thank you for that. I will try and reply to each and every one of you as time permits.

Bob

 

[GL]

i am so sorry for your loss.

 

[PASSAT]

I might not know you but I feel really sorry for your pain. I believe he would have liked you to move on and try to continue being happy. You still have things to live for and you deserve to be happy. Its hard to move on from this great loses because of the time and all the experiences you lived together but you gotta stay strong and in memory of your partner you must continue living.

I really wish you the best and hope you can continue on your path. If you feel bad getting into dangerous thoughts please get help you don't want to commit those mistakes that might be popping into your head. Find distractions and hobbies to keep you from bad things.I say this as I would say to my friends. You are a survivor and you are strong you can continue your path in life. Its hard to move on but u need to keep moving.

I really wish you the best.

Thanks Shaman - I know you are right, it will just take me some time. I appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts with me, it helps me a lot.

Bob

 

[HoodedRat]

...

 

[PASSAT]

Very sorry for your loss, you were very lucky to have each other for 30 years. In out community it's hard to find someone to love for more than 5 minutes.

Thanks Beachguyj, you are correct, we were very lucky to have each other for 30 years, it wasn't easy but we worked very hard at it.

Unfortunately times have changed over the years, we have become an instant society, we are one that wants instant gratification and one that will buy things, use them and then throw them away. I think this behavior has somehow morphed over into a lot of the relationships of today.

We just need to try harder to get some things back and caring about one another and making an effort to make a world a better place is definitely a good place to start. We need to learn to make concessions in our relationships again.

The goal in a relationship is to weather the storms and to learn something from those storms. If everyone would try a little harder rather than to just throw the person or situation away like we do with everything else (I am not saying to become a hoarder <i still have a sense of humor>) the world and our relationships would be in a better place.

Thanks again for taking the time to post your message to me, it's appreciated more than you will ever know.

Bob

 

[PASSAT]

Many people never find love, at all. Put some of his favourite music on and sip some wine... think of how lucky you were to have him.

Snuffy~
You brought a smile to my face...... I am actually not a wine drinker, he was but I will raise a few beers to him a bit later on (don't want the neighbors to start talking about me drinking at 8:25 am now do we ). As far as the music goes...... He loved music and I have been blaring it every moment I can. He was very eclectic in his music tastes so just about every song I hear makes me think of him.

Bob

 

[AlmondMilk]

My condolences.

This is part of the grieving process. For some people it sinks rather easily, and for others it doesn't. Don't worry. There is NOTHING wrong with you. Talking via an online forum is pretty limited, so definitely take the time to talk about it with your family or friends. Even therapy may be helpful. The only reason I liked therapy is because there is the confidentiality. You can tell the therapist how you're feeling, coping with the situation, etc. There is no judgment, and no worry that the conversation will slip through mutual friends.

*hugs*

 

[EJMichaels]

I'd like to offer my condolences for your tremendous loss. Happy memories of Steven and support of people around you seem to be bringing you some comfort now. I hope you continue to find support through this difficult time. It's a process that will never truly be finished.

eJ

 

[PASSAT]

My condolences.

This is part of the grieving process. For some people it sinks rather easily, and for others it doesn't. Don't worry. There is NOTHING wrong with you. Talking via an online forum is pretty limited, so definitely take the time to talk about it with your family or friends. Even therapy may be helpful. The only reason I liked therapy is because there is the confidentiality. You can tell the therapist how you're feeling, coping with the situation, etc. There is no judgment, and no worry that the conversation will slip through mutual friends.

*hugs*

Hi AlmondMilk~
Thanks for the comments and the hugs, they are very helpful to me. I am not opposed to counseling at all, just not sure I am ready to go there just yet. I am very lucky with respect to the support I have been receiving from everyone here at home and at work, it's almost overwhelming.

I work for a large corporation here and 8 years ago when they wanted me to relocate I took them up on listing Steven as my domestic partner. We lived our lives just like everyone else, one dog, one cat, etc. but we never really threw our relationship into anyone's face - we also did not hide it - If asked, we gladly and proudly answered any and all questions.

Interestingly enough though it appears that this was the first time a "Domestic Partner" announcement was ever made throughout the company. I am sure, no, actually I know that a number of folks I work with had no clue. All of them and the company have been extremely gracious and my boss informed me that he is very proud of me for allowing the posting, he actually called me a "Trailblazer".

I have no clue why I just typed all of that, maybe it's because I don't fear judgement - If someone judges me negatively on the relationship I had with Steven then shame on them, they never really knew us, their loss.

Again, thank you for your message and thoughts, you are a very kind and caring soul. I have noted the counseling on my notepad and may possibly go there one day soon. I hope you have a wonderful weekend.

Bob

 

[mbamike]

My deepest sympathies to you! My heart goes out to your for your loss!

 

[andysayshi]

Passat, how I envy you. That may sound crazy given your terrible loss, but how lucky you are to have known a love for thirty years, to have shared such a large part of your life with one soul. This is a blessing and an honour that many will never know.

While terminal illness is a terrible thing, it sometimes gives us the moments we need to express our feelings to our friends and loved ones. I hope you and Steven had the time to share some of these profound moments - moments that many of us never share, or miss out on if our loved ones are snatched away without warning.

Try not to overanalyse your feelings now. We all deal with grief and loss in very different ways. There are no rules about these things. Some people cry rivers, others don't shed a tear externally. Your life has changed profoundly, but you will find your way.

I'm truly sorry for your loss, and it sounds like you have plenty of love and friendship in your life to be there with you now. I hope you find solace in the gift of thirty years of love and companionship you shared with Steven.

 

[Seasoned]

My heart aches for you and all the loss in your life, including your early tragedy. I don't know if you are reaching out to family and friends, but I'm so glad you came here.

In two months my partner and I will be together 28 years and I realize that I am speechless except for the advice that is given to the grieving of not making making major decisions for a year.

Besides that all I say is that I've cried over this and that I wish you every ounce of grace that you need.

 

[PASSAT]

Passat, how I envy you. That may sound crazy given your terrible loss, but how lucky you are to have known a love for thirty years, to have shared such a large part of your life with one soul. This is a blessing and an honour that many will never know.

While terminal illness is a terrible thing, it sometimes gives us the moments we need to express our feelings to our friends and loved ones. I hope you and Steven had the time to share some of these profound moments - moments that many of us never share, or miss out on if our loved ones are snatched away without warning.

Try not to overanalyse your feelings now. We all deal with grief and loss in very different ways. There are no rules about these things. Some people cry rivers, others don't shed a tear externally. Your life has changed profoundly, but you will find your way.

I'm truly sorry for your loss, and it sounds like you have plenty of love and friendship in your life to be there with you now. I hope you find solace in the gift of thirty years of love and companionship you shared with Steven.

Hi andysayhi~
Thank you for the wonderful post and message, you touched my heart and are one that I know I could be great friends with. No one can ever have enough love or friendship in their lives and your message exuded both and I thank you for that.

Bob

 

[PASSAT]

My heart aches for you and all the loss in your life, including your early tragedy. I don't know if you are reaching out to family and friends, but I'm so glad you came here.

In two months my partner and I will be together 28 years and I realize that I am speechless except for the advice that is given to the grieving of not making making major decisions for a year.

Besides that all I say is that I've cried over this and that I wish you every ounce of grace that you need.

Hi soreknees~
Congratulations on your 28 years, there aren't too many of us around that can say we had that. I know that we were blessed for the 30 years that Steven and I had together and those are memories that no one can ever take away and that I will cherish for a lifetime.

No worries on any sudden changes - - other than getting the house back into shape, it sort of went to the way side the last 16 months due to all of the hospital stays, doctor appointments, etc., that go along with one who is ill.

I am so happy that I just started typing away on here last night - I had no idea that I would receive so many replies of love and compassion. I actually have a bit of a smile on my face right now.

You too are someone that I know I could be great friends with, friends are to be cherished just like loved ones - one can never have enough friends. If I did not have friends there is no way that I could have gone through all of this, they have been my rock(s) and have made me strong.

I thank you for your message/post from the bottom of my heart.

Bob

 

[PASSAT]

My deepest sympathies to you! My heart goes out to your for your loss!

mbamike~
Thank you for such kind words, we are neighbors actually (in NC here). It's funny we were going to be in your neck of the woods soon - I have a time share in Charleston and Steven was just waiting for his bone marrow transplant and then we were going to be off to SC.

I will probably still go, he would want me too - - I actually may take his ashes there with me - I think he would like that

Again, thank you for taking the time to message me, it helps ease the pain a bit.

Bob

 

[PASSAT]

I'd like to offer my condolences for your tremendous loss. Happy memories of Steven and support of people around you seem to be bringing you some comfort now. I hope you continue to find support through this difficult time. It's a process that will never truly be finished.

eJ

Hi EJMichaels~
Thank you for the kind condolences and positive thoughts for my comfort, it's truly appreciated. This place is amazing, I am sitting here in disbelief on how wonderful everyone has been to me.

You are so very correct, grief is a process that never ends.


Bob