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Lunarus - Archived Blog Posts

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Oh where to start here. Well my bf has a birthday coming up and on said day he has an appointment with a dermatologist to have some moles looked at. His father died of Melanoma and it apparently runs in the family. Of course I am petrified about what the derm. will say. I just have to hold out until the 26th of this month and a week after that for the test results to come in. TO say I have not been sleeping is an understatement. Then there is his mother. She asked me to help her loose weight. She is a bit over weight but not obese by any stretch of the imagination. But she does need to loose the excess pounds. She came to me because she really did not want to pay some doctor 2800$ to help her loose the weight and I know what she needs to eat. Besides I am a vegetarian and have managed to keep my self thin as well as her son. She has lost some weight but has now plateaued and I told her not to give up we just need to exercise more which is difficult for her because she has really bad knees. That is another family trait. Her mother's knees were horribly deformed as she got older. She had one replaced and it did not work and she is in pain much of the day. I have noticed my bf, her eldest son, his knees are starting to sound the same way hers does. But back to her. Her regimen consist of 3 meals a day, I cook them, mmmmmm good old veggie meals. When she goes to assemblies (she is a Jehovah witness by the way. Don't ask we are taking care of her and she really loves the both of us.) I have to make meals for her and my bf's younger brother who also is a JW and his family. Which brings me to his younger brother. The baby of the family. I ave known him, next to Perry, the longest out of anybody in the family. He is a mess right now. He is a trucker and he is over weight, big time. He was told some time back that his sugar was elevated and he needed to loose the weight and start eating right. Well can you guess what he did. You got it, nothing! I told him when he came to talk to me about his health conditions that it would be in his interest to loose the weight and how he could do it. Well to make a long story short, his mother came to me and asked if I would help. Sure why not that is what I am here for, I think. So now I have my bf, his mother and his brother to watch over. I pray his sister doesn't come a calling. On top of maintaining all that I have personally ad trying to finish the second book, keeping the house and all it's many MANY components up and running I guess I am a bit stressed. And to boot I have been getting these migraines for about two weeks now. I just wake up with them. Go figure. Like the other day I got one and I could not for the life of me shake it, so finally I had to lay down. I did not tell anyone I was going to lay down. Well I fell asleep hoping the migran would go away, it didn't I woke up with it. Well his mother came back from the assembly and wanted to know where I was. Perry told her and her exact words were "He doesn't get sick!" I finally see how all the many people in my life view me. I am the one they come to when their life is crap or they need help or they become ill. I dispense information like Yoda and send them on their way hoping they will heed the advice. But when I get sick they all stand around bemused at what they need to do. I cannot get sick at the risk I would send everyone else into a raging panic. I kinda feel like a giant mother looking after her and others children. I don't know maybe I am making more out of this than there really is. I'll have to wait and see how everything turn out. Not only will I have myself to condend with the 26th of this month by I will have mt bf ad his mother. Ah isn't life grand?!? :rolleyes:
 
Well the tests came back on Perry's mole, is is benign, thank the universe. So that is a weight off of my shoulders. He now knows he cannot wait to have one looked at. His father died of melanoma, so I have to watch him for any suspicious moles and the like. Now there is my niece's wedding, I just found out about it last week, it is going to be Friday of this week. August 12, I told everyone I wouldn't be able to make it because of what is going on here and they don't seem to like that. But that is tough shit for them. I never hear from any of them unless they want something, which in itself is a shitty deal. Then they get upset if I cannot drop everything and run to what ever they are doing. Well tuff toodies. [-X I told them we were waiting for the results on Perry's mole and the blew it off or more like did not even acknowledge it... WTF! That's nice, just don't bother me then. I knew by the time I was ten I would have to go at it alone in this life. Guess it is not a gigantic surprise that they are all wrapped up in their own lives not to give a rat's ass about anything in mine. So psst, be gone and don't bother me further.

Ain't family grand!
=;

NOT!!!!
 
Wow, YEAH FOR ME! I have never won anything in my life. It is really cool that I got the chance to win a PSP. Do to financial things that are out of my control at the moment it is nice to get such a really kick ass prize! (!)

Thanks everyone for the votes. You wanna know something, it feels good to be number 1 once in a while. And if not for just once in your life. :-)
 
Well fall has rolled around again, man the summer flew by this year! I now have the wonderful task of transplanting those plants that need it and preparing the new planting beds for the winter months. This is going to be interesting do to the fact we are functioning with a horrible rain deficit. All well hopefully next year will be better. I have lost some plants due to the drought condition here. No biggy. Just need replacements. So since the colder months are rolling around I will have more indoor time and can finally finish book two and the story I started on the boards here. The plants will be sleeping and the garden will be tilled for next spring giving time to finish my other commitments. For those whom do not know what I speak of you can go here to find out about my book. Here or here is the story I started on the boards. Don't worry I will continue them. I just need time, please be patient. But all in all things of plant wise has begun ti wind down for me. I will also have more time to spend among those here on the boards, those of you who wondered what the hell has happened to me, that is.SO yea I shall return and finish those stories as well as the book. Till then see ya!
 
I hate being uninspired and bored out of my ever loving mind. I sit here waiting for inspiration to bite me on the ass only to be interrupted by someone needing something for some unearthly freaken reason why they cannot do it themselves and leave me to my vapid wondering of the mind. Ahhh for the love of everything holy! And to boot my bf's cousin wants to come down again. Oh wondalicious not that again. Please refer to my thanksgiving blog entry for what happened last time. I need a freaken vacation. I just need to get away from everybody and everything. Another planet seems good right now. I am going insane! :grrr:
 
Your Birthdate: January 18

birthday.jpg


You are a cohesive force - able to bring many people together for a common cause.
You tend to excel in work situations, but you also facilitate a lot of social gatherings too.
Beyond being a good leader, you are good at inspiring others.
You also keep your powerful emotions in check - you know when to emote and when to repress.

Your strength: Emotional maturity beyond your years

Your weakness: Wearing yourself down with too many responsibilities

Your power color: Crimson red

Your power symbol: Snowflake

Your power month: September

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

http://www.blogthings.com/whatdoesyourbirthdatemeanquiz/
 
This a rant, if it offends you, tough shit, don't read it. ..|

I live in a world that treats those whom care about the human race as a whole as a pariah. I live in a world that treats those whom are kind and care about those who do not have a lot like a door matte. I live in a world that your value is based on your income and looks and what you own, not for who you truly are and what you are willing to do for others without any strings attached, any! I live in a world were everything has to be sanitized for peoples reading and or viewing because they might take offense to it. I live in a world were hatred is the norm and is taught under the guise of saving ones soul. I live in a world were I am told that I and my partner of 13 years cannot have the same benefits that my straight siblings that cannot keep it in their pants, o, just because I am gay. We have been together 13 years and neither of us has ever strayed. HELLO! I even hear it from some gay people. WTF! I live in the world were the youth seem too much absorbed in their wants not to see what is going on around them. Don't get me wrong I have some young persons that care and try to make a difference, those are the ones that have my deepest admiration. I live in a world were only those with money have all the power and no concern for those who they stepped on to get there. I live in a world that one would rather live a lie and act and do straight then be themselves. I live in a world were being yourself is not enough, you have to be something else too. I live in a world were others have to be coddled, they seem unable to grow thick skin or a set of balls and stand up for themselves. I also live in a world that people would rather follow mindlessly like sheep than think for their own damn selves, I guess it saves on any moralistic problems for them if they have someone else to tell them they are doing everything fine. :eek: I live in a world were it is who you blow instead of how talented you really are. I have come to a conclusion, it does not pay to be nice any more. It only seems to get me a nice taste of shoe in my mouth from the eventual kick in the teeth. It is hard for those of us who care about the little person and could give a rat's ass of what they make, what they own or how they look or who they know. When you refuse to conform to another's thought process you are thrown aside and told you are no good. When you refuse to continue to allows others to use you as a doormate you are tossed out. When you refuse to lie down and let others take your rights away you are called a whining liberal baby. Well I am none of those. I am an upstanding citizen of the HUMAN race and I am so sick and fucking tired of those few that choose to whine and bitch about things they do not like simply because they expect everything to be their way or no way at all. That wouldn't think twice looking down on someone who doesn't have those things this society deems as the must haves in order to be someone. Those that won't wake up and see that if we are to get any where as a race that they need to wake up to reality and not the drivel that is handed to them. This comes from someone who was a counselor and help many a person through their rough spots in life, I loved helping them they wanted to change their lives and the lives of those around them. This comes from a person that would give his last dollar to someone who needed it even if I needed it more. I came from nothing, payed my way through college and yet I still have yet to attain what society says is a must to be someone. Well guess what fuck you society, if it makes me a bad person for being who I am, for mindless helping others because I want too and no God nor no government told me too, just because I saw another human in need, then so be it. If it makes me a bad person for being who I am, gay and wanting the same fucking rights that my straight brethren have, then you can kiss my ass. I am who I am. I treat others fairly and with respect. I may not agree with them all the time but I don't cry about it to others I handle it myself. That is who I am and if anyone in this universe cannot handle that. well you know what you can do for me. I am not sorry that I do not pray to your idea of a God or the almighty dollar. I will not apologize that I do not look like some swim suit model. I am who I am and whether you like it or not is now none of my concern! Deal with and for cripe's sake grow a pair and get real!
 
I have been thinking as of late (yea I know, bad idea.) Anywho, I have been looking at my current life and those I fill it with. I have come to one conclusion. I am but a mere tool. An object, a stepping stone for others on whatever life journey they are taking. I am nothing more but a tool. I am here to do for others when they need, want, must have, etc. etc. adneausium. I am not allowed to become ill or have any problems in my life. I have duties I must carry out, tasks set by others that must be done. I have no life but that which the other's in my life have set forward for me. This is how my life has always been and I have tried very hard to fix it but always wind up just being a tool for others. No matter what I may want or need. No matter how ill I may become, they always want me to complete whatever task they want done. Whether it be needed at the moment or not. They come to me with their problems when they need advice but when I need advice they stare at me with blank looks. So I have no problems, none and if they ask what my damage is, I simply and politely say "Nothing is wrong, nothing at all." I have created this damaged world. It is of my own doing, and I fear I will never find my way out of it. Perception I was told is the key to change everything, but perception is a hard thing to change when all you see in your reality is the cold stark truth. I have been alone most of my life, having to do for myself, and even being in a relationship I am still have to do for myself. I am forever doing for others, I have stopped expecting the same for myself. Like I said before, I have no needs, no wants, no desires. I am but a tool, a tool for others to use as they see fit. So as their lights burn brightly for all to see, mine flickers quietly in the corner, the wick ever threatening to run out thus quelling the light that is my soul. I will quietly go into that preverbal night and await to hear the inevitable question, "where is Lunar, I need him to do so and so." Or "I never knew he was that ill." Well maybe you should have thought about someone else besides yourself. After all do I not count in this life. I too have needs, wants and desires. But then again I was stepping stone for you and you used me and now I am gone. So be it, thus is my life, for I have created it.
 
I need a machine like that portrait in the film tommy knockers, you know the one that wrote that book that was in the woman's head. I need that. So while I have the multitude of other chores I need to get done I can still write. Either that or I need to master the art of splitting myself twain so I am able to do what I really want.

Just a thought...
 
Talked to my mother today, haven't talked to her since two weeks before christmas. Now some family crap here, I was close to my mother before,but now I am not too sure. It has to due with my siblings taking advantage of her, but it is her life and I learned to step away and stop telling her how I feel. It has done no use at all! :( Well when ever I hear from any f my family members it is when they want something. So I don't bother with them anymore. Tired of the drama it entails. So anyway, she called today and asked what we did for new years, I told her the truth and said nothing at all, it was just another day like every other day. She asked what I was up to and I told her I was doing my bf's mother's taxes, the paper work is turning into a nightmare. That and straightening out her insurance and what not. It's a long story, I've posted about it here in my blog as well as on the boards. So I was busy with my life my bf's life and keeping his mother's life in order. Let me rephrase that I have my bf's life and his mother's life I am keeping straight, I don't have time for my life or what's left of it. My fault completely I know. So anyway, she asked me what I was doing for my birthday which is coming up next week. I told her nothing at all, didn't do anything last year or the year before that and the year before, so why do anything now. She asked my why and I told her I didn't have the time. She told me to make the time, I laughed at her, she is one to talk. But she is right after all, I never make time or myself it is always someone else. So and so needs this done then so and so needs this done or this has to be done and no one else wants to do it. For the life of me I never thought I would be in this situation at this age. Between taking care of my bf's mother and the house my job, the freaken animals my bf and dealing with his family I just don't have time for myself. I have stopped telling anyone when I feel ill or I simply want to do something for my self. They seem to me like they are a bit put off when I need something. So I just do. So in short I have no one to turn to. My days are filled with other's problems and needs my weekends are filled with catch up work, I never have time to go out or visit anyone, which pissed my mother off because she wanted me to come visit her at my brother's house and I said no. Besides not having the time no one from my family has ever visited me so why the hell bother. Why should I always bee the one to go to them. So as I sit her writing this for the few minutes I have to myself I have become isolated. And it is all my fault. I am the one to blame. I know I should stand up for myself and demand someone be there for me, but I can't and you want to know why? It is because if I just keep my mouth shut and trod on then their will be peace with all those concerned. Call me a pussy or what ever but at least everyone I know will be sated even if that means I will have to go without. Hell I grew up going without what is the difference now. You know I wonder sometimes what would happen if I just up and dropped dead, would I be missed for the loving person I am or would I be missed because I am not there to do fr someone else. Okay I really do hate my life right now, it sucks great big monkey balls and not in the good way. And I suck for not changing it or being to fearful to rock the boat, I should be shot for being a doormat.
 
So yea I sit here in limbo not knowing what to do and what to really think at this moment. If you don't know what the hell I am talking about just look down a couple of posts. Talked to my bf about leaving this state and he basically said no. He doesn't want to leave because everything is here. Which on one hand I can understand but on the other hand I cannot because this state or commonwealth as it is known is threaten our very security. 13 years, 13 years of total commitment and trust that if anything were to happen to us the other would be okay and not have to worry about the life we built together. I am at a loss for words. He says it will be alright and to trust him. Both I am finding a bit difficult to do at the present time. I've always relied on myself and to some extent him these past 13 years, but now, now I really am not sure what to do. I feel locked in stagnant unable to do anything because of the fear that whatever I do will be for naught because others just wished I didn't exist. Guess they won, it pains me to say that, but in the truest sense they have. I do not have the support system in place to mount any sort of fight, that's my fault totally. I should have looked out for myself as I made sure everyone else got what they wanted. When the hell did I become a the proverbial doormat? To tell you the truth I really feel lost right now. All I can see is the hate surrounding me closing in and finally engulfing what ever happiness I could have had in this life. I know I know I sound pathetic, believe as I right this I am chastising myself for not standing up for what I want in this life, no for what I need. But that is kinda hard when your significant other doesn't believe we will have a problem. I really do not know what to do at the moment. I should be finishing up the second book but I find that I am too worried about my future. Crap how did I get myself into this?!? :confused:

I recently read about two real-life cowboys who did realize their dream. They met, fell in love,
and settled down for a quarter century on a ranch in Bristow, Oklahoma. Together, they raised three sons and tended 50 head of cattle.
But when one of the men passed away, his will, which left everything to his life partner, was challenged in court by a distant cousin and declared invalid. Everything was taken away - the land, the cattle,
and all the personal belongings that made
up their life together. Their dream was broken.
This what I fear will happen to us...

 
It’s been a while I know, just been extremely busy as of late. The new plant beds are in and the plants are loving it. So with that out of the way let me bring you up to speed. My mother called today, it had been a while since I last heard from her. She is ill, very Ill! And as always she calls me at the very end wanting me to fix everything. Tomorrow she goes to the hospital to be fitted with a heart monitor which she will have to wear twenty four hours then what ever it finds will be sent over to the specialist to be read and then he will speak to us. Yea great fun I must say. She is always doing this and I am always the one that has to fix her. To tell you the truth I was somewhat happy not to have to deal with my families drama for those few precious months. It allowed me to focus more on what Perry and I needed to accomplish. But alas and alack my temporary exile has passed. Now any hope of focusing on me has flew the coop. Such is my life. I just wish she didn’t wait until it had gotten so terrible bad to call me for help. I told her she might need a pacemaker and she said no and I then told her she would have to explain that to the other children in which she replied she would let me do that, yea thanks I hear from no one yet you want to basically tell them it is your wishes that you just want to die?!? Yea that will go over like a led balloon. About that part of me is ready for her passing knowing she will be at rest but part of me doe not and I mean does not want to deal with the rest of the family. I know they will be shocked I mean they use her yet refuse to see that she is the one that needs the help now. I just do not know what I am going to do. I know she needs help and a quite place to convulses and that I can and will give her for how ever long she needs it. And I will keep my mouth shut when she goes to take care of my younger brother’s two small children. What am I to do, I just do not know. I should have known something was up because I have been having crazy dreams about my family, mostly my mother. Something told me she would call and that she would need help.

On a side note I finally saw Broke Back Mountain, that in and of itself has left an impression on me drudging up long forgotten memories I thought I had laid to rest. Guess I thought wrong. Just when I think I have a plan to make my daily life easier something always throws the preverbal wrench in to screw it up and I am getting tired of it. I keep telling myself, it is just a single moment in time and it will pass but I fear what it will pass into...

I’ll check in later to fill everyone in.

L&L
Lunar
 
Took the dog to the vet last week, she has a herniated disk. She is on Pregnazone(?), Roboxen(?) and a pain reliever. First week was real ruff, didn't know whether we would have to put her down. That would have killed Perry. But she has done better this week. If she would only sit still like the vet instructed. All well, my life is so exciting.. :rolleyes:
 
Let me apologize to all of you that are awaiting the next chapter in the story. I have been side tracked with the second book and other life crap. Also I have been talking to others about turning the short story into a completely different book. Meh, who knows if I have the time I might be able to do it. Also I have been working on a major landscaping project out back so that has eaten up a month already. But it is almost done and I promise I will get the next chapter out. Please understand I have to write and promote my other book to pay the bills and I truly do love all my fans, even those here on JUB.(*8*) :kiss: (*8*) ​


 
Yea, my poor puter died, I think the motherboard ate it last Friday? So I ordered new things to rebuild her from the ground up.:gogirl:

Asus M2N-SLI nForce 560 Socket AM2 Motherboard

AMD Athlon 64 X2 5000+ AM2 CPU Black Edition

OCZ Platinum Rev 2 2048MB PC6400 DDR2 800MHz

EVGA GeForce 8500 GT 256 PCIe w/Dual DVI/HDCP

Logitech S-220 Speakers

ZEROtherm Butterfly CPU Cooler


It will be here tomorrow...(!)... then the rebuild will begin. It will more than likely take me a day and a half to re-install Win XP to SP 3, I dislike Vista on a grand scale. So we shall see....


I love building computers:D
 
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