Lunch or Something More...?

[erobert]

Here we go again... mixed signals and uncertainty. I've been going back and fourth with myself over this.

I went out to lunch recently with a friend from school yesterday and we went to a place near my house as we a couple of miles from each other. We payed separately; he ordered a salad and had water. I noticed he was being chivalrous and holding doors for me, offering to clear my things away, etc... I keep thinking of was this just lunch or something more...?

Just some background info, he sent me an email on my birthday which totally surprised me and wrote he was going to (jokingly) "serenade me" in it. No one has sent me an email on my birthday before- the only other person who has sent me a birthday email was my aunt.

I got some flirty vibes from him after being introduced through a friend and when we started hanging out. I told him about my plans after getting my degree he told me he "likes guys who do something with their life."

He stated (again jokingly) that we should play basketball in "heels" as a tribute to our well heeled professor.

We've had lunch on campus every week together and text each other about every week about classes, random things, etc...

He mentioned his (ex?) girlfriend way back in the winter semester but never mentioned girls again until last month. Something about them wearing shorts in summer... I just gave him a look and he hasn't said anything like that since. Mentioning girls would normally be a red flag but him mentioning girls around me is so infrequent... don't a lot of straight guys talk about girls all the time?

In fact he has brought up things related to gay rights and said the word gay more times than he's said the word girl. He even knew there was a gay rights march on campus when I ask him "what those people were demonstrating about."

After lunch he sent me an text saying telling me lunch "was nice and to keep up the good work (with jobs, school)."

Now, I know I attract bi and gay guys. I've developed my gaydar pretty well over the past couple of year- body language, what they talk about and how they talk about it, eye movement, etc... It's all there if you know what to look. Most of the guys who were freindly with me from high school and college were either gay or bi (if only I realized that sooner) Spend some time with me and you'll figure out I'm gay after a while.

But I don't know how to proceed with him. He could be curious, he could in the closet- or he could be straight... all I know is he seems to want to spend time with me. Which is good. I could always use some more friends but I'm looking for someone more now.

Sorry for such a long post I just wanted to give as much info as I could so others can make an informed decision.

 

[rareboy]

all I know is he seems to want to spend time with me.

So there' the answer to your question

 

[G-Lexington]

Ask. "Hey, I'm enjoying spending time with you, but I'm a bit unclear if this is just a friendship or something more. I don't want us working at cross purposes here."

Lex

 

[boiseboy]

Idk, I'm bi (leading a bit more towards guys) and I mention girls in shorts a lot. Like, I'm glad summer is around because girls get slutty.

But thats just me. What I can say is you might want to try waiting it out. Spend some more time with him. If things are consistent then it's probably a "friends scenario." If he does flirty things more frequently then it would be safe to assume he has some interests.

One of these days try inviting him to a movie. Maybe a movie at either house. Things can escalate in private.

 

[KaraBulut]

Did I miss the part where you mentioned to your friend that you were gay and single?

 

[erobert]

Did I miss the part where you mentioned to your friend that you were gay and single?

I'm unsure of how or when to disclose that to people I just met. We've known each other for a while now so I'm waiting for the right time to tell him. I want to do it in a way that is offhand, like a passing comment.

I'm pretty sure he's figured it out by now but I'll tell him in person for good measure when the time is right.

 

[G-Lexington]

Then let me make this clear. If you aren't divulging this sort of information about yourself, you can hardly blame him for being "hard to read". Go tell him already. That will make the picture a lot clearer.

Lex

 

[KaraBulut]

I'm unsure of how or when to disclose that to people I just met. We've known each other for a while now so I'm waiting for the right time to tell him. I want to do it in a way that is offhand, like a passing comment.

I'm pretty sure he's figured it out by now but I'll tell him in person for good measure when the time is right.

*nods*

If you want to have trust in a relationship and you want to find out if this can be taken to a new level, that's the obstacle that is in the way.

But you knew that already.

 

[erobert]

We're going out for lunch again this weekend. I'll let you guys know how it goes.

 

[erobert]

Well, just got back and it went pretty well.

I mentioned the Pride Parade going on today as well as a couple of obvious gay hints. He should know now if he doesn't already.

Interestingly, he seemed to be sending out more flirty vibes this time and he drove me home. All in all had a nice lunch (date?) together.

 

[rareboy]

Okayyyyyyyy.

Why not invite him to some Pride event?

 

[erobert]

best thing is to communicate, you are falling for him, he may only be polite, nice to you, if you don't ant to get it twisted just let him know how you feel...

Wouldn't that be a bit awkward and possibly ruin the friendship?

He may also be falling for me if he is bi or gay but he knows that I'm gay so if he wants to be more than friends he'll let me know or do something that indicates that. For now I'm glad I gained a new friend. Though, if the flirting increases than I'll have to bring it up. Actions speak louder than words and the truth should reveal itself in time.

Thanks for the feedback everyone, I'm in uncharted territory here.

 

[altlover85]

Actions may speak louder than words, but words can be a lot quicker and save everybody time, especially in situations like this.

I also understand it's a lot easier to just tell someone else to speak up than it can be to actually do so yourself.

 

[erobert]

Came back from lunch again and now I'm getting slightly frustrated. Here's why:

It was his day off yet we only spent about 1 hour together like usual. What's with this one hour time limit? I even asked what he was doing later today and we both weren't busy- why don't we just hang out for a couple more hours than if we both have the day off. Wouldn't someone who's mutually interested in you build up to a real date by now? We've known eachother for 9 months now.

I've never been to his house either and usually friends invite each other over to their houses. We've meet only on campus or at cafes/ coffee shops thus far, I kind of feel like he's may be sneaking around behind his parents back if he is closeted, but that might be a stretch...

He still lives at home so this might play a factor somehow or doesn't want his parents worrying if he's gone for too long?

He knows I'm gay now yet seems to be holding back if he is bi/ gay himself. He didn't say anything when I told him last time when I told him and he is usually someone who say what's on their mind.

He also seems to be reluctant to hang out in the city when I suggest that and wants to hang out closer to home in the suburbs. There's more going on in the city.

There's something there but I don't know what it is anymore. Either he's in the closet or I'm wasting my time looking for the boyfriend within him. I'm growing impatient and I'm about to put him in the friend category and move onto someone else who can better fulfill me.

 

[KaraBulut]

Ok. This has been a lot of lunches.

Either you're a strict believer in not talking with your mouth full or you're not having substantive conversations.

Why don't you just ask him about his personal life?

 

[erobert]

It has been a lot of lunches.

At this point we should be doing more than going to lunch and for longer than an hour. Or maybe we're dating and I don't know it. That would be a pleasant surprise.

We do have some substantive conversations about family, work but we haven't mentioned dating yet. I was hoping coming out to him would begin more substantive conversations but since we only seem to meet in public maybe he doesn't want to talk much about this. I haven't heard him mention anything about girls for many months now. My intuition is telling me he's holding back and is bi. I'm getting all the flirty signals.

He cleared his Facebook updates and messages, slightly strange. Before I he did though I noticed a message from a guy from his college he transferred from saying he "I miss you." Hmm... who's that?

I'm wondering how to bring this up because I don't want to seem rude or blunt. Maybe a comment like "Are you dating anyone yet?" or something about my single status and wanting someone in my life. I want to know more about his personal life. I mean don't friends talk about their personal lives with eachother? I almost feel like these lunches are scheduled around something or someone, we both had the day off and didn't hang out longer, kind of a let down. And I just learned he normally has this day off too.

For living so close we don't see much of either yet we text and call every week, it is almost like we're dating. lol We definitely need to communicate more effectively. I know I'm rambling but I needed to get that off my chest.

 

[KaraBulut]

Well, you could always say, "We're always talking about me and I never give you a chance to talk about your love life. Are you seeing someone?".... "What kind of things are you looking for in the people you date?"

 

[evanrick]

why dont you try kissing him on the lips. i am serious!

i didnt read everything but it sounds like you are over analyzing

 

[erobert]

"We're always talking about me and I never give you a chance to talk about your love life. Are you seeing someone?""

That's good. I'm going to that use that next time I see him. Hope it doesn't seem too out of the blue; a guy from my class once asked me if I had a girlfriend during class. Took me a bit by surprise.

Kiss him? Don't you have to lead up to the that? He's so cute and sweet that I've been tempted to when he drives me home. You also need to get close enough to lean in for the kiss and the timing has to be right also.

Than again, he could always freak out and that would be embarrassing.... I'm over analyzing again.

First I need to get him talking more about his personal life, he's been unusually about this subject.

 

[TX-Beau]

All this hint dropping and toe tapping is pointless. You’re unsure, OK, it’s obvious that he’s not going to say anything.

Are you out?

You're not over-thinking, you're not confused, you’re dithering, probably because you want guarantees before you say anything. Well, if he hasn’t let you know where he stands by now, inquiring about his personal life isn’t just the chance he was looking for. To be fair, you’re doing to him what you’re complaining about. He’s not going to give anything away either, no matter how much you inquire about his personal life – he’s just as unsure of you, and playing the exact same game you are, and if he is gay, he’s on some board somewhere posting this exact thread.

So you both can dance around each other, indecision reigning, wallowing in your angst fest, until one or both of you get so frustrated you walk away, or you can grab your scrotum and do something about it.

What?

Tell him you’re gay, no hinting and roundabout easily mistaken clues. Let him know where you stand. If you don’t make the gamble, you can’t win. Plus, why is it that you have to wait to find out about him first? Because you want guarantees – you’re not going to get.

Your options:

1, he’s gay and interested

2, he’s gay and not interested

3, he’s straight

4, he’s a closet case who isn’t going further than this anyway – which means straight for all intents and purposes.

Do something. If you really want a resolution you’re going to have to be proactive and get one. His behavior has already told you he’s not going to make the first move, and if you won’t, you’re paralyzed, and that is that.

So how much are you really interested in this? What are you willing to do to get it? How important is this to you?