Luvin my roommate...

[Just_Believe18]

^ I completely disagree. Please do not follow this advice to talk to him. It is unhealthy to meet his "ex-wife" to shed tears over how a grown adult has ruined his own life. You are so much better for it now. Don't go even remotely back.

 

[Twistedup]

hi, JUB. it's been a while. you guys have seen me through the best and worst for the past few years.

i feel terrible...like i come here as a crutch...like i don't really contribute...like the only time i ever post is with problems...

well it is all true and i apologize in advance for that. looking back over the thread i can't believe how stupid i've been. well; as a quick recap...i did in fact meet up with her and we didn't discuss him at all. i hardly remember the date because not really anything happened. her and i haven't spoken since. we're still FB friends, though...for whatever that means.

i spent this past weekend at home with my mother. i'm still here and i'm buzzed and brewing and i don't know where else to rant, so here you go, JUB..

i was at a BBQ with a bunch of old friends. a close friend lost a parent, so lots of us came back to support her and her family. after it was all through we all had a BBQ. he wasn't here, but it was at a close friend's house...the girl he took to prom, actually. well we had a good night of drinking and eating and catching up, and then the inevitable happened...they all started asking me where he was, what he was doing etc.

i could and should have simply said we fell out and moved on or changed the subject, but i didn't. i spilled. i spilled the whole story to fucking everyone; even people i don't know. i gotta admit, it felt REALLY good. on the way home, i was getting a ride from a sober friend who still lives in his city in AZ and talks to him regularly. she asked me a bunch of questions and i basically told her that i didn't want to ever talk about that again. she was cool and after that i kinda forgot about it for a few days.

then, tonight i get a text message from him. yes, i saved the number. i saved a picture too but that isn't really relative. anyway i got a text saying he is sorry and wants to talk. well, verbatim it says, "hey i talked to _____ and realized what happened. can we talk?"

now, JUB, i am once again fucked up. i don't think i'll EVER be ready to accept an apology. i don't want to talk to him. i don't want to see him or hear from him ever again. at the same time, it has been years and i have dreams where we reconcile. i know that someone told him that i told the whole story, but i didn't actually tell the whole story. i told it as if he did all these things happened upon him finding out i was gay and not because of our relationship. now he wants to talk.

time does nothing. it means nothing. this is no easier than it ever was. i'm not even sure why i'm posting yet again. it is like he is where i was, and yet i have no emotions about it...no capacity to reach anywhere. our 10 year reunion is coming up...the only thing on my mind is trying to rebuild our relationship so that it is civil for that, so we can both hang out with our friends...but as time goes by i feel less and less like that is possible.

ugggg. i'm sorry for my emo rant. i guess i'll dwell on it for another day or so and then call him, either to say "we are ok" and leave it alone, or to say "go fuck yourself" and leave it alone. i don't know. this whole thing messed me up so badly, years ago, that i haven't been able to learn. i still don't know how to interact with such an ex. *sigh* ...guess i'll sleep on it.

why can't i grow up? why can't i just brush this off and be free of it? i feel like these wounds will bleed me dry for the rest of my life.

thanks, jub, for giving me an ear to cry on.

 

[texan_slant]

Don't forget that old adage, you can't forget, but you can forgive, and you need to do that to move on.

If you feel like talking to him, there is nothing wrong with that. Perhaps he has come full circle; perhaps he has something good to say to you - BUT maybe not.

Closure doesn't necessarily mean that it's a happy ending or a bad ending, it means that - you will have let whatever happened in the past - go - so that you don't live your life in the shadow of it with anger and resentment.

You've spent so much time and energy on posting, that it really doesn't sound like you have forgiven.

You need to work through everything and figure out what it means to you -

whether it be never talking to him again
whether it be asking for an apology

whether it be trying to be JUST friends again, or just come to the conclusion that you won't be friends again, but at least you will have closed that friendship in a civil manner - and maybe admit that you cared for one another once and agree to just move on.

All I can say is that you also need to ask yourself whether or not you will regret not talking to him or hearing him out, or finally telling him how you have felt these last few years.

Ask yourself if you think he is worth your time and energy this last time.

 

[Twistedup]

Don't forget that old adage, you can't forget, but you can forgive, and you need to do that to move on.

If you feel like talking to him, there is nothing wrong with that. Perhaps he has come full circle; perhaps he has something good to say to you - BUT maybe not.

Closure doesn't necessarily mean that it's a happy ending or a bad ending, it means that - you will have let whatever happened in the past - go - so that you don't live your life in the shadow of it with anger and resentment.

You've spent so much time and energy on posting, that it really doesn't sound like you have forgiven.

You need to work through everything and figure out what it means to you -

whether it be never talking to him again
whether it be asking for an apology

whether it be trying to be JUST friends again, or just come to the conclusion that you won't be friends again, but at least you will have closed that friendship in a civil manner - and maybe admit that you cared for one another once and agree to just move on.

All I can say is that you also need to ask yourself whether or not you will regret not talking to him or hearing him out, or finally telling him how you have felt these last few years.

Ask yourself if you think he is worth your time and energy this last time.

wow. re-reading this thread has been one of the hardest things i've done in a while; not because of my story, but because of all the advice and how it could have changed things for the better. what is 'the better' though? i feel like i'm better as i am. everything about my life is better except for this one hole that i can't fill...yet, that one thing is enough to make me regret everything else. not it has been years. should i move past the past and give him another chance? i've trained myself over the past few years to never let anyone hurt me like that again, and yet now...now i'm about ready to forget it all.

i don't think i'm ready to forgive, and i'll certainly not ever forget. you talk of energy. a dear friend told me that you can never consider revenge until 5 years have passed. he explained that it takes a great deal of pain, energy and concentration to nurse a grudge for 5 years, so if it remains after that time then revenge is ok. i'm admittedly buzzed right now, but i feel like it has been so long that i should not allow him to talk to me and revert to my initial outing plans, but i know that in the morning i won't feel the same way. i just wish i could retain our mutual friends for both of us and forget we ever met. i don't even know what sort of advice i'm seeking here...moreso just ears. thanks again, guys.


FML

 

[texan_slant]

Twistedup - I have been following this thread, I'm not dispensing advice that I expect you to take, because everyone will do what they need to in due time. I know that you prob just need ears, but...

This is like a loss. Time never heals wounds, nor can you ever forget. It's all in how you accept it or deal with it over time, and if you still got that hole, buddy, it sounds like you're still hurting.

If it ever is the right time, you need to somehow tell him how bad it was for you, how much it hurt, what he did to you. Email letter, face-to-face, etc. Otherwise, you're gonna want to keep his contact info around, and you're more apt to hang on.

I can relate. Sometimes, it's scary to let it go - good or bad. Cuz sometimes you feel like there is nothing more to hang on to - cuz you had something at some point. Good luck.

 

[KaraBulut]

This is a thread about classic patterns of codependence.

Drugs, alcohol, addictive personality. "I love him"/"I hate him". "I miss him"/"I'm glad he's out of my life".

And a focus on the problems of someone else instead of a focus on changing what you can change- specifically, changing your own patterns of behavior that are the consistent theme of this thread.

This is all fine when you're a young man, but you're getting to the age now where you need more stability in your life. And little will be gained in looking backward and trying to fix a situation that cannot be fixed.

It is time to forgive him. It is time to forgive yourself. That doesn't mean you let him back into your life. You're going to have to let go of a lot of things from your past that are keeping you from moving forward.

But most important of all, it is time to move on and to start dealing with your own issues.

 

[hotatlboi]

I've come to understand the saying that if you surround yourself with negative energy, your life will be dragged down.

This guy is a loser of the lowest order, everything you have posted in this thread has confirmed that. The guy you knew for 15 years is not the same guy he is now. He now has drug issues, violence issues, and who knows what other issues.

The more you continue to dwell on him or continue the flirtations with this whole situation, the worse you will probably feel. It's been years since it happened and you say you are doing good now. I would keep going your separate ways.

Whether or not you forgive him is not really the issue imo, it is just time to move past this situation and try to forget it.

You say that time doesn't do anything. Well that proves you have never really been able to move past this. I had something very negative happen to me several years ago, I don't feel like going into details but just suffice it to say that I don't dwell on it any more or associate with the people it happened with. It's been about 4 years since then and I don't think about it hardly ever and it doesn't affect me emotionally anymore. It's time to put the whole situation behind you so it doesn't affect you forever. You may not be able to forgive him, but with the proper mindset time will help you to move past it and get on with your life.

 

[xterranx]

I read through this entire thread and I must say, wow... that is some crazy shit.

From reading your responses, I feel like you may have PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder)... of course, don't take it as THE truth-- nobody can make diagnoses online. Regardless, I think what would be really good for you to do is go to a therapist and talk about what has happened. Not because you may be "crazy" or anything of the sort, but because a therapist will help you to move past what's happened and help give you some peace of mind.

 

[TX-Beau]

I'm going to agree with Kara. At some point this is no longer about him and all about you.

Why are you clinging to this so desperately? He's out of your life, and if you let him back in, that's a choice YOU make, and anything that comes from it is on your own head.


"...but but but maybe he's changed..."

Maybe he has and maybe he hasn't, but that's not the point. If you want to talk to him go ahead, but remember, it's on your own head from here on out.

 

[Blueboy369]

You should have a conversation with him. I had a best friend who was like a brother to me. He became addicted to drugs and we started hanging out with different people. One day I came home to find my house broken into and my VCR missing. I felt so violated, called the police and never felt safe in my home since then. I later found out it was him. This was the end of our friendship. About a year later he found me and apologized. Even though I never trusted him , or hung out with hm, I accepted his apology. A few years passed and I got the news that he was killed in a car accident. I'm so glad that I accepted his apology because it gave us both closure.

 

[texan_slant]

Personally, I agree with Blueboy.

 

[Nice Boy]

Well, the decision to talk or not to talk to him is completely up to you... If one talk with him would help you to close all the situation, then go for it...

However, as for being sorry for him, I can understand and I, in some way, feel sorry for him.

BUT: problem is that your space to help him is limited... If he is not coped with his sexuality, then the only thing you can do is to advise him to seek counselling. However, keep in mind that it is his life, and that HE is the only one responsible for his action and for the way he is coping with (if applicable) his sexuality. You however CANNOT do that FOR him and walk that path for him...

I think you should close it all up. To me it seems you have not yet fully recovered from the actual loss of your best friend (even though from your very first post he did not behave to you nicely after you have had sex with him, not mentioning that violent thing with the house that happened and that is what best friends just DONT do)...

IMHO, you cannot undone certain thing and you should REALLY move on. Perhaps talk to him only if u want to, to make everything clear between you but do not let him enter your life again.

Why?

You lost him but not because of your fault. And as an ancient philosopher Herakleitos supposedly once said: You do not enter the same river twice an if you do, you enter different waters... So you just cannot be "friends" again. You are in different life set now but HE IS TOO.

I too lost my best friend even though the circumstances were way different... I simply fell in love with my straight best friend. Although there was no violence whatsoever, during the last year of the high school I was watching how our relationship was slowly collapsing and then another year after the high school ended, I FELT REALLY BAD (chills of hot/cold, sometimes insomnia/hypersomnia, big anxiety, chills of hot/cold, one week even panic attacks, terrible mood swings for the first months after the school ended, feelings of great exhaustion).

I even underwent counselling with all that and it helped...
Moreover, I can say that after one year, I was recovered for 90% and then it took me 3 more years to recover for 100%. But it happened and now I feel not great, but pretty normal... Now it's a closed case and although I see him few times a year, it is fine and I know i moved on...

So a time should come when you will be over with that.

 

[rareboy]

I lost my best friend when I was 14 to a girl who was a homophobe.

Years later, long after his two marriages have crashed and burned and I have had 28 years with the same guy...I still don't think I'd piss on him if he was on fire.

Don't go backwards.

And when you do....as I'm certain you will.....don't expect a lot of comfort from those who warned you when it all goes down the shitter again.

Oh and by the way. What a coincidence that this is all happening at the same time that 'I kissed my Best Friend Last Night' thread.

Like right down to the other guy being into the lesbian porn thing.

You two guys should hook-up and talk about the nutcases you've been hooked up with in the past and for Crazyguy, just recently. It is funny. It is almost like your old room mate is the same guy as Crazy Guy's friend.

Weird huh?

 

[Georgiadude]

I just read this thread for the first time. just before I got to Kara's post I said to myself "He's codependent". its a classic case. you need to stop drinking and using (if you still are) and get some help. You keep re opening this old wound. each time it gets deeper and more infected. there is nothing good coming out of this. its been years and your still dealing with it. you need to get some therapy so you can move on.

dont have any contact with him. why would you consider letting someone like him back into your life? yes he WAS a good friend. A friend that turned into a nut case that destroyed your property, almost killed your dog and all the rest of it. if someone brings it up just say you've moved on and would rather not talk about it. its not worth years of your life. second guessing decisions that happened years ago. it's too late to change them. what you can change is how you look at this. you need to do it with a clear head. get some help and stop drinking/using. a good therapist will help you to see that he's not good for you. doesn't matter if he's changed or not. you will keep reliving the past and wondering if it's going to happen again.

wish you the best.

Steven.