Maintaining Your Friendship with a "Snow Queen"

[BabiGayPimp]

This thread is not about the rightness or wrongness of black, gay males preferring to date white men. Whether that preference is predominate or exclusive, it is really between a man, his lover, and his Lord.

I am more concerned with the challenges of maintaining a friendship with someone who has mindset, a world view, and values that are starkly different from your own.

My (former) second best friend and I came together (originally) because we had much in common. We were introduced by a mutual lesbian acquaintance. We were both black, gay men from lower-income inner-city projects, coming out into the gay world at the same time and with similar issues.

We differed, however, in terms of our college experiences. He attended an overwhelmingly caucasian college in a rural area and went "white-boy-crazy, " by his own admission.

I, on the other hand, attended an urban campus that was racially integrated and multi-cultural. I retained an interest in men of all races and from many walks of life.

By the time we were out of college, we were no longer seeing eye-to-eye on this and other issues. His actual preference was not a big deal to me, initially, because we were friends.

As a successful, professional black man he has done a lot for his community. He's advocated for inner-city economic empowerment and supported black political causes. But his growing distaste for, and distrust of, the social and intimate company of other black men placed a great deal of strain on our friendship. His escalating white idolatry began to get on my first nerve, last nerve, and every nerve in between.

There were unfortunate social incidents where I felt he showed his "true colors," in terms of his real feelings about his own people (general disdain) and, after several awkward years of trying to find middle-ground, our friendship blew apart.

It's easy to say "to each his own," but how do you maintain a relationship with someone that you've given the benefit of the doubt to, tried to understand, and made all kinds of allowances for, but in the end you find he is sitting in a "place" that you cannot reach?

 

[Seasoned]

I don't think it is possible to maintain all friendships over the course of a lifetime. People change and interests, etc are no longer compatible. Sorry you lost a friend.

 

[puka-pride]

i'm confused... whats wrong with being friends with white people or preferring to date white people... and what about his people doesn't he like?

also.. why does it sound like you hate white people... i mean you shouldn't judge people based on race... we are all humans after all

also what do u mean by white idolatry... is he worshiping albinos?

 

[VenomGGXX]

Oh God Babi why do u have to make this topic? Who cares if a black guy dates a white guy? Your friend just seems confused because he had been through so much peer pressure. It doesn't mean he couldnt have a meaningful, loving relationship with a guy that was lighter than him. It's just a sexual choice, it doesn't make him a bad person, what makes him a bad person is his views on other blacks. But I doubt his views on blacks were what made him have sex with white guys, even though that's what you are alluding to.

 

[slyfer]

This thread is not about the rightness or wrongness of black, gay males preferring to date white men. Whether that preference is predominate or exclusive, it is really between a man, his lover, and his Lord.

I am more concerned with the challenges of maintaining a friendship with someone who has mindset, a world view, and values that are starkly different from your own.

My (former) second best friend and I came together (originally) because we had much in common. We were introduced by a mutual lesbian acquaintance. We were both black, gay men from lower-income inner-city projects, coming out into the gay world at the same time and with similar issues.

We differed, however, in terms of our college experiences. He attended an overwhelmingly caucasian college in a rural area and went "white-boy-crazy, " by his own admission.

I, on the other hand, attended an urban campus that was racially integrated and multi-cultural. I retained an interest in men of all races and from many walks of life.

By the time we were out of college, we were no longer seeing eye-to-eye on this and other issues. His actual preference was not a big deal to me, initially, because we were friends.

As a successful, professional black man he has done a lot for his community. He's advocated for inner-city economic empowerment and supported black political causes. But his growing distaste for, and distrust of, the social and intimate company of other black men placed a great deal of strain on our friendship. His escalating white idolatry began to get on my first nerve, last nerve, and every nerve in between.

There were unfortunate social incidents where I felt he showed his "true colors," in terms of his real feelings about his own people (general disdain) and, after several awkward years of trying to find middle-ground, our friendship blew apart.

It's easy to say "to each his own," but how do you maintain a relationship with someone that you've given the benefit of the doubt to, tried to understand, and made all kinds of allowances for, but in the end you find he is sitting in a "place" that you cannot reach?

I've read and reread this post, but I have yet to find a word of what explains what he did/said that caused your friendship to fade. Is it just you disliked that he only prefers white people sexually? Does it matter what one thinks of "their own" to continue a friendship with a person?

It would help if you further explained what happened/what was said/etc that caused you to no longer be friends or what made your dislike of him grow so much. I ask because I too am a "snow queen" with a general disdain for black society. But this has not effected my friendships in any way. I get occasional shit from the couple of black people in my circle, but it's more or less a running joke. I ask because I'm intrigued as to what repercussions I may bestow upon myself for not really liking black people as a whole. Like I said, the black people I call my friends know this about me, but I haven't felt a strain (at least because of my disdain) on my friendships because of this.

 

[bankside]

This thread is not about the rightness or wrongness of black, gay males preferring to date white men. Whether that preference is predominate or exclusive, it is really between a man, his lover, and his Lord.

I am more concerned with the challenges of maintaining a friendship with someone who has mindset, a world view, and values that are starkly different from your own.

My (former) second best friend and I came together (originally) because we had much in common. We were introduced by a mutual lesbian acquaintance. We were both black, gay men from lower-income inner-city projects, coming out into the gay world at the same time and with similar issues.

We differed, however, in terms of our college experiences. He attended an overwhelmingly caucasian college in a rural area and went "white-boy-crazy, " by his own admission.

I, on the other hand, attended an urban campus that was racially integrated and multi-cultural. I retained an interest in men of all races and from many walks of life.

By the time we were out of college, we were no longer seeing eye-to-eye on this and other issues. His actual preference was not a big deal to me, initially, because we were friends.

As a successful, professional black man he has done a lot for his community. He's advocated for inner-city economic empowerment and supported black political causes. But his growing distaste for, and distrust of, the social and intimate company of other black men placed a great deal of strain on our friendship. His escalating white idolatry began to get on my first nerve, last nerve, and every nerve in between.

There were unfortunate social incidents where I felt he showed his "true colors," in terms of his real feelings about his own people (general disdain) and, after several awkward years of trying to find middle-ground, our friendship blew apart.

It's easy to say "to each his own," but how do you maintain a relationship with someone that you've given the benefit of the doubt to, tried to understand, and made all kinds of allowances for, but in the end you find he is sitting in a "place" that you cannot reach?

I'm white. I also come from a racially integrated community, in a major city in western Canada. The brown guy at my school was friends with everybody. We all lived in a great neighbourhood. Everybody had a home with a yard of its own and at least one car. Everybody's parents worked, except for the one weird kid with the 60 year old dad and the 40 year old mom. He always smelled like wood chips and nobody ever knew why. Everybody ate at restaurants and went to Disneyland if they had kids or Hawaii if they did not. Lucky people had their own swimming pool. If it wasn't you, it was your good friend and neighbour. Every kid was sent to summer camp. As far as our horizons went in Junior High, the entire world was like that, except for countries that got the Unicef money from Hallowe'en. We didn't understand Sesame Street when we were really little because we had never seen anybody living in houses like that, which looked more like old stores and offices where our parents might have worked downtown before the office moved to the new building, but why would people live at work?

What exactly would be the differences between my social and intimate company and that of "his own people?"

If I knew that, maybe I could answer where he is sitting and why.

 

[MisterMajestic]

This thread is not about the rightness or wrongness of black, gay males preferring to date white men. Whether that preference is predominate or exclusive, it is really between a man, his lover, and his Lord.

I am more concerned with the challenges of maintaining a friendship with someone who has mindset, a world view, and values that are starkly different from your own.

My (former) second best friend and I came together (originally) because we had much in common. We were introduced by a mutual lesbian acquaintance. We were both black, gay men from lower-income inner-city projects, coming out into the gay world at the same time and with similar issues.

We differed, however, in terms of our college experiences. He attended an overwhelmingly caucasian college in a rural area and went "white-boy-crazy, " by his own admission.

I, on the other hand, attended an urban campus that was racially integrated and multi-cultural. I retained an interest in men of all races and from many walks of life.

By the time we were out of college, we were no longer seeing eye-to-eye on this and other issues. His actual preference was not a big deal to me, initially, because we were friends.

As a successful, professional black man he has done a lot for his community. He's advocated for inner-city economic empowerment and supported black political causes. But his growing distaste for, and distrust of, the social and intimate company of other black men placed a great deal of strain on our friendship. His escalating white idolatry began to get on my first nerve, last nerve, and every nerve in between.

There were unfortunate social incidents where I felt he showed his "true colors," in terms of his real feelings about his own people (general disdain) and, after several awkward years of trying to find middle-ground, our friendship blew apart.

It's easy to say "to each his own," but how do you maintain a relationship with someone that you've given the benefit of the doubt to, tried to understand, and made all kinds of allowances for, but in the end you find he is sitting in a "place" that you cannot reach?

The other posters may not "get" or "understand" where you're coming from but I see it clearly...You're not talking about having an issue with the brother dating white guys..You have an issue with the way he looks at his own race of people...he's got a STANK and nasty attitude. You can hear it in his voice and see it on his face...

I know where you're coming from. And that's why you had to DROP him as a friend..

 

[VenomGGXX]

It just seems like whenever people on here talk about snow queens, black guys always get demonized, and Moe or Noe Slacker chides some, ''Uh huh girl that's right" line complete with a pic. Then some white dude comes into the thread and says some shit like, "they should date their own race." Noone wins and everyone is still divided. How about the title be changed to, " How to maintain a friendship with a person who dislikes their own race.'' Because snow queen implies sexual preference but that is not the topic, supposedly?

 

[Harke the Boeotarch]

I never thought of 'snowqueendom' going together with hatred of one's own race. Is it a common occurrence?

 

[MisterMajestic]

They invented a word for this syndrome.


It's called "Republican" .

..LOL...Love it Molten..For that Line I'd give you a Rim & Blow job while you sip on your favorite Drink...

 

[bankside]

2. The guy who really and truly is trying to be white, and repudiate everything that represents black society.

Just a second though..this is what I'm getting at: what are "black society" or "white society" supposed to represent, at least to him. If I knew that then I could figure this guy out.

 

[G-Lexington]

Just so I'm clear on this...what's the white guy's role in all of this?

What should a white guy's reaction be to a potential Snow Queen? If a black guy expresses interest in a white guy, should the white guy consider this a troubling sign, that the guy has some "racial identity issues"? Should he try to determine if the guy does in fact find other black guys attractive, has hit on several, and slept with a few? If he hasn't, should the white guy tell him to get lost, get educated, get therapy, and get hooked up with a member of his own (beautiful) race before he starts hopping the fence?

If we're not part of the solution, we're part of the problem, right?

Lex

 

[Paws]

I thought this thread would be about friendship with a cocain addict

 

[TygreBryte]

BabiGay and Majestic, I am a white guy, and I have on occasion heard black friends and acquaintances refer to "black people who hate black people." I have heard black people say this when they address audiences that contain a lot of black people, and heard the "uh-huhs" from the audience that tell me that folks recognize what they're talking about. Later, I have seen some folks who make these complaints turn around and do things that make me wonder if they're not one of the black people who hate black people.

I am certain that this stuff is "deep", and some of it is pretty opaque to me.

Babi, it interests me that you seem to think that this guy doesn't "like" black people (and doesn't like being black himself?), but you also say that he's done a lot of stuff "For the community." How does all that fit together?

 

[slyfer]

As I've said many times before; Snow Hoes need psychiatric attention! There is NO way to maintain a friendship with a Snow Hoe if you're not White. They literally disgust me in every sense!

There is a way to maintain a friendship. It's called not caring. Not everyone is hung up on "history of my race" bullshit. I have enough black friends and it hasn't broken up my close friends and I yet. So like I said, it's all about the other person. Just because you're a SQ doesn't mean you're an asshole to each and every black person you come in contact with. It is usually just the after effect of seeing black society represent themselves as if they just got off of a BET show and seeing them LOVE being that way.

 

[bankside]

Well, look at OJ Simpson (a stroight guy). Until he got into trouble the first time, he ditched most of his black friends, went to diction class to drop his African-American Vernacular English, etc.

I believe Michael Jackson did this, too, but I could be wrong—he was a hard guy to figure out.

Bankside, you can often tell when a guy's trying to be white.

How?

What's the difference? I wasn't kidding about the one brown kid in my Junior High school. But by high school there were a few people from different backgrounds, and we literally had the same lives. Same interests. Same parties. Same school dances Same weekend stories to tell. Same dating lives. Same plans for university. I keep in touch with some of the old crowd on Facebook - we're all still getting along.

So, I'm all about "vive la différence," but what actually is the difference?

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>So, I'm all about "vive la différence," but what actually is the difference?

Quiet, please. The grown-ups are talking.

Lex

 

[BabiGayPimp]

i'm confused... whats wrong with being friends with white people or preferring to date white people... and what about his people doesn't he like?

also.. why does it sound like you hate white people... i mean you shouldn't judge people based on race... we are all humans after all

also what do u mean by white idolatry... is he worshiping albinos?

His being friends with or dating white people was not the issue. I have many white friends and have had white lovers.

It was his attitude of general disdain towards his own people, other blacks, that began to wear on me. As I stated, there were many awkward social instances where this came out.

By white idolatry, I'm referring his tendency to be overly impressed with anyone who was white, juxtaposed against a general pattern of suspicion and distates he showed for other blacks.

And this went on for years.

 

[BabiGayPimp]

Oh God Babi why do u have to make this topic? Who cares if a black guy dates a white guy? Your friend just seems confused because he had been through so much peer pressure. It doesn't mean he couldnt have a meaningful, loving relationship with a guy that was lighter than him. It's just a sexual choice, it doesn't make him a bad person, what makes him a bad person is his views on other blacks. But I doubt his views on blacks were what made him have sex with white guys, even though that's what you are alluding to.

His sexual interest in whites was never an issue. We both had white lovers--though all of his were white, while I tasted the rainbow.

It was the snide remarks he constantly made towards other blacks that led me to believe he does not like his own people, much, on a social or interpersonal level.

 

[80KGold]

Even the stars in space, like the people here on Earth, course through a life cycle. Perhaps friendships are no different. And then there's always the possibility of resurrection.



When the chasm between two people is so wide, both--not just one--of them need to try to build the bridge.