Man, I am scum.....

[thephoenix]

Toss another vote on the fire for not telling him the truth, but letting him down as gently as possible while you're still in character. And do it for all the reasons people listed above (the main being in protecting him).

But also do it for this reason--if you tell him the truth, then you have let down every one of us who tries to fight the idea that homosexuals are just a bunch of lying perverts who want to convert straight boys. You tell this boy the truth, and you've potentially destroyed any feelings of trust or acceptance this young man feels towards our community. He might also tell his friends, who will reinforce his feelings of anger and betrayal. In one fell swoop, you could do him, yourself, and all the rest of us a great deal of damage.

And then go back to that group of manipulative b**ches you call friends and tell them the same thing.


Sigh. Just saw what you posted while I was typing this. Once you've cut him off and you've learned from your mistake...forgive yourself. *hug*

I'm definitely not going to be hanging with that group of friends anymore...you're absolutely right about causing damage to the community. That's why I decided against the true truth. I really am sorry guys to all of you....I can't say it any simpler than that...I truly regret this....

 

[SilverRRCloud]

I would have to dissent here.

This guy is young and madly in love with his own image of you.

At this stage, I would send him a complete and fully truthful disclosure with an appropriate apology.

He was tricked by a gay guy on the net. Sure, that's bad. Even pretty bad, if you want to see it that way. And it happens just as many other things happen both on the net in real life. No one can really help that.

But he deserves truth, full truth and nothing but the full truth and a genuine apology.

SC

 

[StlKj]

I would have to dissent here.

This guy is young and madly in love with his own image of you.

At this stage, I would send him a complete and fully truthful disclosure with an appropriate apology.

He was tricked by a gay guy on the net. Sure, that's bad. Even pretty bad, if you want to see it that way. And it happens just as many other things happen both on the net in real life. No one can really help that.

But he deserves truth, full truth and nothing but the full truth and a genuine apology.

SC

I respectfully disagree with how you think he should handle this, Silver.

Even though I know deep down that what you say is right from a truth standpoint.

But I do really wonder what is best for this young man. Yes, he will be hurt when he loses his internet love. However, what happens to him when he finds out she is really a gay male? Is he then not only hurt by his loss, but possibly also ashamed? Does it make him question himself in some way that he could "fall for" a guy? Does it alter his perception of us? Does it destroy an innocence that should be protected?

The pain of a perceived love is a significant one. How much is that pain magnified once this kind of truth comes out?

 

[unclaimedblessing]

You're already punishing yourself enough, why punish him too?
We are always mired when we lie, but in this situation a "white lie" would probably be more compassionate.
Ease into terminating your email relationship.
Gradually introduce a third character who you supposedly met recently and little by little let him know how enchanted you're becoming. Let him think he is your only trusted confidant. If he really cares, he will undoubtedly want you to be happy.
After sufficient time tell him you feel continued contact will be betraying your new friend and tell him how much you enjoyed his friendship, thank him for being him and there for you when you really needed someone, wish him the very best and then both of you get on with your individual lives.
Please don't ever let this happen again, look at the pain it is causing both of you.

 

[Ohiospeedo]

Just need a clarification...did you say you talk to him? Meaning talking on the phone...or is it just online?

My advice would be to just break it to him gently. Not this truth that you are a gay male.

 

[thephoenix]

Telling the truth at this point would only humiliate this guy. No need to add insult to injury. I'm sure he feels bad enough by the loss of his internet crush. And if I read correctly, I believe you've already broken off communication. Harsh, but I'm sure he'll come to realize that you were probably not everything you said you were.

That said...

Something tells me this isn't the end of the story. You did say you have very strong feelings for him and were considering popping in to his life as you....

I do feel quite a bit of affection for who he seems to be. Despite my poor judgement and immature behavior, I have had enough experience with my heart to know what I'm feeling isn't any kind of "true love", but under the right circumstances it could be, but no sense in wondering about that. What he is feeling couldn't possibly be it either. I don't mean to invalidate any body's (i.e., young people; 19 y/os in general) feelings, but he's 19 and he says he's never been in love before so how could he know it is as "real" and "true."? Especially since he's never met me or even had a conversation over the phone with this "girl." That was my argument when I was trying to break it off gently. But, he thinks God sent me to him

During one of our previous chats, I did test the waters on homosexuality. He said he had fooled around once, but it didn't feel "right" but it was hot. He doesn't come right out and say it but he indicates attraction to certain male actors. But don't worry. No false hope here.

Strictly absolutely morally speaking: I owe him the truth. But there's no room for absolutes here. I agree I can't destroy this boy's sense of self. And the truth would. It would simply be adding insult to injury. And it's foolish to think that he would go "Oh well, it was you I fell in love with not the female." And I don't think that would happen. If it were me, I'd feel betrayed and violated....but since I cared for this person..I'd be open to apology and try to understand...but that is just me and I can't expect that of him*. The only comfort that I could offer is that the person he thinks he loves is in fact real. This person just isn't a girl. Whatever amount of comfort that might be, if any.

*(Meaning if a girl had done this to me and I "fell in love" with her via a male persona she created)

It is done though. He's emailed several times today just wishing me a good day and asking how my day is going etc. The MySpace account is gone. I told him I was tired of MySpace when he asked and so I'll just have to stop checking this e-mail account. Disappear so to speak.

It sounds crazy, but one of the scenarios I ran through my head was since he lived nearby and I know his routine so to speak, I - my male me, could "run into him" at the coffee shop or library or something and possibly strike up a friendship. But that is very stalker-y and not normal behavior. And I think I'd give myself away just by being me. On top of that I don't think I could honestly look in his eyes and not be eaten up with guilt for what I had done. That's a stupid thought and exactly NOT what I'm going to do, but it's one of those things that runs through my mind when I try to "make right" and one of the more selfish ones because then I get to keep talking to him. Again- I am NOT going to do this. My communication is done.

Even if he was open to a gay relationship, a guy like him doesn't deserve someone like me. He deserves much better than me.

I'll regret this for a long time to come......

 

[supergurl]

But isn't that the down side or dark side of the internet? and with a site like myspace, facebook or hell even this one.
lets be honest!

Now i never would have did what thephoenix did. nevertheless i think both are at fault.

 

[3nipples]

Sure the truth will hurt, but it will also let him grow as a person. Send him a link to this thread. That way he will not only know the truth, but also some of the background and that others' reaction is one of sympathy and not ridicule.

 

[amyleeisjesus]

I think the idea that telling him the truth is "worse" than cutting off communication is a cop out. Ceasing communication is not a noble, thoughtful act--instead it's about you and your feelings, and any other kind of justification is just a selfish ruse. You talk about how there's no room for absolutes, yet you don't seem to have any qualms with convincing yourself he'll react a certain way. It's certainly likely he'll have an adverse reaction, yes. Oh well! You brought on it yourself and you owe it to him as a decent human being to give him closure. You're lucky enough that he's hinted about attraction to men, so he may actually come around. It might just take time.

Unlike probably everyone else here, I've actually been in your position and know exactly what it's like. Basically, I played a female character in a game and extended that to outside the game when interacting with the players because it was sort of taboo to publicly play a character opposite your real sex. Lame, but people are immature. I was even deceptive on an intimate level with another player, in and outside the game. It was a difficult and entirely nerve-wracking process coming out but it was also a relief I wasn't hiding anymore. Surprisingly, after the smoke cleared nobody went running in the other direction. Even the guy I was intimate with didn't hate me. The point is that you can only speculate how someone will react. I thought I just "knew" all my friendships would unravel into ruins. My "act" was over a course of months and even years, by the way.

You're eloquent enough in how you write that I believe it'd be best to send him an e-mail about it. Detail the reason why you did it and how remorseful you feel. You may not know how he'll react, but you should place his peace of mind above your own.

p.s. I can't believe you'd even entertain the idea of "killing off" your persona. That would be a supreme mind fuck and truly worthy of scorn. It takes more courage to come out with it than take the easy route and flee the situation.

 

[rareboy]

I would tell him that I've met someone else and hope he isn't hurt because he seems like an incredible guy. Tell him all the things you need to in order to make him feel better.

And then close the page.

And then move on. And don't do this again.

 

[thephoenix]

I would tell him that I've met someone else and hope he isn't hurt because he seems like an incredible guy. Tell him all the things you need to in order to make him feel better.

And then close the page.

And then move on. And don't do this again.

Wow, rareboy, I have to admitt...I expected a lot harsher from you! Not that that's a bad thing. Your comments and thoughts no matter how harsh/true are always welcomed. I was both dreading and hoping you would have something to say about this situation. Either way, I respect your views and opinions. That goes for everyone on here.

He's still pretty persistent in his e-mails. He's certain I'm the true love of his life. I told him it was way too soon for him to be feeling those kinds of emotions and we needed to not be talking for a while (which means we don't talk and a while eventually turns into "we've grown apart" I mean, he's 19, don't they find new true loves every other week or so? (maybe he doesn't because he seems different)

As the fates would have it, his great grandmother died and the funeral is today, so he wasn't going to be able to e-mail me for a little while and he wants me to reconsider our relationship and coming to him. And I feel all the crummier for crushing him just after a death in his family.

What is getting me is he is sooo in love with "me", but it's not even clicking in his head that it's a little strange this "character" has been grounded for 6 weeks now (thus unable to come see him and he "her") and always has some excuse why "she" can't talk on the phone with him. He hasn't even asked for extra pictures beyond the 3 obscure ones I posted.

Does part of his heartache lay firmly at his doorstep for being so gullible? Or does it make me all the more of a jerk/bad person for chatting with him and consequently/eventually destroying the self esteem of a truly big hearted and open, trusting boy?

I'm not gonna "kill" this character; I agree that would be the cruelest thing I could to him (events so far notwithstanding). So, my decision that I really need to make is how/what to tell him.

There seems to be two options and from some of the posts I noticed that they could be merged kinda into a third option. Here they are:

Do the absolutely moral thing and tell him the real truth of who I am and how I never intended to hurt him, etc.

Have the "character" break his heart clean and quick and never bring up who I am. And then be done with it.

Break his heart and then after a week or so (insert some choice of time frame). E-mail him and let him know the real truth. Really, lay it out there.

Option three is viable to me because in the end he is broken up with the character. Time can let some of his more powerful emotions settle and then I can do the absolute right thing and tell him the truth.

The big thing is this: Is the truth gonna do more harm than good? One poster says not telling the truth is cowardly and not the noble thing to do because it's about hiding from getting my feelings hurt. (ifI interprepted that correctly). Which isn't the case. I'm gonna feel like crap either way it goes. My feelings are hurt and absolutely because I brought it on myself. My concern now is not how I will look or feel, but how much pain do I need to necessarily inflict on this boy? What is gonna hurt him the most is what I'm worried about. Ideally, I don't want him to be hurt at all. But that the case is he's gonna get hurt and I don't want to hurt him any more than necessary.

Is he gonna be more hurt/devastated that this pretty blonde girl he sees in the picture and whose personality he loves and complements his own, rejects him?

OR

Is he gonna gonna be more hurt/devastated/threatened that the picture is just some random chick and the personality that he loves and complements his own, is an otherwise nice, thoughtful, and not bad to look at GUY?

That's my moral dilemma now guys. There's no debate on what I did was wrong and if I'm gonna do it again (I'm NOT). One thing that goes through my mind is that if I tell him the truth, he can reconcile with himself that some "pervert" took advantage of him and move past that to the girls he said he blew off to talk to me (which I told him NOT to do).

Whereas, if this pretty girl with the personality rejects him, it'll ruin his confidence and he'll wonder what he did and how he could have done things differently. No matter how I dice it, he'll wonder. I know because I've been there; we all have. Or worse, he'll try to be the romantic and try to find her. See where I'm coming from?

 

[Just_Believe18]

You've done a terrible thing. There is no redemption in this.

 

[thephoenix]

You've done a terrible thing. There is no redemption in this.

Ummm, dude, did you read like any of what has come before this?

1) Yes what I did is still a terrible thing, just like it was when I did it and it will continue to be even though I stopped; but thanks for update! It's a big help.

2) Nothing is beyond redemption. The only things that can't be salvaged are his feelings and the friendship that developed, however ill-advised.

I made a choice before (posing) and it was wrong. Now I have another choice and I want to make as close to the right one as I can. The one that will possibly service HIS best interest and not mine. So, I would appreciate some thoughts/debates on this issue at this point.

So, let's please put a kee-bosh in the whole "You did a bad thing" statements. It's done and that horse is dead and kicked real good. If you further feel the need to reinforce the fact that I did a bad thing take it up with my PM inbox. Or I can add the statement "I did a bad thing" to my signature, if that would be the helpful thing for you.

 

[loppyears]

I haven't read every post so forgive me if i've missed something.

I'm not gonna tell you what you did was a bad thing, I've done something similar anyway.

You really need to think if you’re going to tell him the truth. If this guy fell in love with you in a couple of weeks and has never even met you, who knows how crazy he is or what he could do to himself. Think about it, he could even be suicidal. Telling him the truth could destroy him literally. Would he ever trust talking to people on the net again? You may have feelings for him, but you have to let them go. I wouldn't make matters worst.

Ok so lying isn't the best option either, sure it would break him to learn his "true love" has gone but he'll forget about you in a couple of weeks and will find someone else. Maybe a girl this time! Sometimes lying is for the best. Just tell him it's not working or your going to live in another country or something.

 

[xterranx]

The sooner you tell him, the sooner he'll heal up. Wasting your time like this just wondering what the best decision is is just stupid, IMO. The longer you wait, the more hurt he'll be. You're still stringing him along.

You already said that, no matter what, he'll be hurt anyway. He's an online person. For all you know, he could be fake too. But if he isn't, that'll teach him to try to hook up online.

 

[mabby7]

This could be a topic of a movie. I have seen it on a tv show once. Even though the gay guy continued to lie, in the end the straight guy found out the truth and he still cared about the gay guy and wanted to become good friends. It ended up being really sweet.

Hopefully you could still be friends with this guy.

 

[thephoenix]

Well, I told him the truth. He was on his way out when I told him that the pictures weren't me and he asked that I send him an e-mail. He told me I could tell him anything and do anything and he would still love me And that even if that wasn't me he still wanted to talk to me.

Well that was before the e-mail....

I wrote him a pretty comprehensive truth. I laid it out there and told him there was no need to feel threatened or humiliated regarding his sexuality because he did think I was female, so that didn't matter.

And I told him we should reconcile the "character" so that he wouldn't be embaressed. He had already told his friends about "me" and his parents.

So, I'm just waiting a response if any. We'll see how he feels after he reads the truth. God, I feel like such crap right now. But I think I did the right thing...I hope I did.

 

[StlKj]

You did the right thing, Bud, even though I unwisely suggested you do otherwise. This situation has taught me that perhaps in trying to cover all the bases and do right by everyone's feelings, I lose sight of what should be done just because it's the right thing to do.

Congratulations on taking the hard step, and thank you for being honest enough to subject yourself to criticism on here.

 

[3nipples]

I made a choice before (posing) and it was wrong. Now I have another choice and I want to make as close to the right one as I can. The one that will possibly service HIS best interest and not mine. So, I would appreciate some thoughts/debates on this issue at this point.

Looks like this time, you made the right choice. Congratz.

 

[theblackajah]

Well, I told him the truth. He was on his way out when I told him that the pictures weren't me and he asked that I send him an e-mail. He told me I could tell him anything and do anything and he would still love me And that even if that wasn't me he still wanted to talk to me.

Well that was before the e-mail....

I wrote him a pretty comprehensive truth. I laid it out there and told him there was no need to feel threatened or humiliated regarding his sexuality because he did think I was female, so that didn't matter.

And I told him we should reconcile the "character" so that he wouldn't be embaressed. He had already told his friends about "me" and his parents.

So, I'm just waiting a response if any. We'll see how he feels after he reads the truth. God, I feel like such crap right now. But I think I did the right thing...I hope I did.

Only time will tell. I completely understand how you feel though, and I know that this is as devastating for you as it is for him. But yes, I know how it feels to develop affection for someone, to seem so perfect together except for the seemingly minor fact of your gender.

Sucks eh? But that's life, and we have to simply accept the lot we're given. Best of luck to you on this matter - keep us updated.