I moved your post into a separate thread since it is a complicated situation and deserves its own responses.
The first thing to know about this situation: someone is going to get hurt. The question is, "How many?" and "How bad?".
The question for you is, "Are you going to figure your way out of this situation with as little damage as possible? Or are you going to blow it all up and cause a lot of damage?".
What you've laid out in your post is the nuclear option- it has the potential to blow up your marriage, blow up your friendships and possibly blow up your employment. And if you do go forward with what you've said about, it gives your wife grounds to take you to the cleaners in the court system. That's about as bad as it can get.
marredsuckbuddy said:
I have been living a big lie and don't know how to move forward.
How do you go forward? One step at a time.
With a plan.
If you haven't had a physical lately, get one. Make sure there's not something going on with you- like thyroid issues, low testosterone- things that can make a person not think rationally.
Fnd a therapist to talk to. If you don't know a therapist, many employers offer an employee assistance program that can refer you to a therapist that you can talk to and who will help you sort this all out. Normally, I would suggest marriage counseling but it sounds like you're beyond that point. The solution is to figure out how to get out of your marriage without losing it all.
The one thing that you don't mention is whether there are children- either still at home or grown-up/on their own. If for other reason, come up with an exit plan so that your children don't end up hating you.
As for your coworker, a) don't assume that just because he's gay that he's going to want to be part of this and b) don't shit where you eat. You probably need a paycheck and you want to keep your job because you've got some legal bills ahead.