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Maybe I'm just paranoid (bisexual friend)

pasacon

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So I have this friend that I'm head over heals in love with. He's a very sweet guy. And for the most part he's had this girlfriend since I've known him who he's had on and off trouble with as they would break up constantly and get back together constantly. Usually their break up was due to her doing things like cheating on him, finding some other guy that she was interested in, or just them plain not getting along. But, I found out once through my roommate that this friend told him that he was bisexual.

Since then, I had noticed (whether it was my imagination or not) that this friend seemed to possibly have interest in me, though he was dating his girlfriend and he's not the type to cheat or anything and despite the fact he doesn't know that I'm gay. And he never admitted to being bisexual to me, despite the fact he had confided in me many other times about other things going on in his life.

But in the end, when it seemed his relationship with his girlfriend was getting more stable he started sticking to saying he was straight, and that once his girlfriend tried to convince him he was bi but it just wasn't true.

Well, recently his girlfriend broke it off for good with him and she moved on with some guys she met online. and they've been broken up for almost a month and he's been a wreck lately. But he and I had been texting each other alot. Alot of the time he would just text me to say hi or ask what I'm doing. And once again, I started getting the feeling that he might be interested in me.

Well, last night, he, a friend of his, and I got together at my place and we got drunk, played video games and pretty much hung out. But at some point during the night (and I can't remember what possessed me to do it) I started teasing him and I put my arm around him with my hand rubbing his shoulder. Now I was wasted at the time, but he only had a couple of drinks so he had to be pretty close to sober. Now that escalated to me running my fingers through his hair, and he ended up putting his arm around me, on and off through the night we just sat on the couch either holding hands or with me having my hand on his knee or stroking his leg. And he didn't seem to mind it. I even asked him if this was okay and he said he didn't mind. And we were doing this in front of a friend of ours who didn't seem at all surprised by this.

Well 5 am rolled around and I went to bed and one of my friends crashed on the couch, the other on the floor. Well when morning finally came, I woke to the sound of my front door slamming shut and I realized that my friend and his friend both left, without saying anything.

Ever since then, I've been paranoid if I freaked him out and that's why he suddenly left this morning without any warning. I mean even if he's bi, I never told him I was gay so when I started pawing at him, it may have been surprising. And throughout the whole time I was holding his hand, had my arm around him or my hand on his leg, he didn't seem to mind at all. But I don't know. I have a gut feeling that he likes me back, but I don't know what to do from here. We haven't had a chance to talk to each other since last night and I have no idea what's going on in his head. I don't know if I should bring it up. Make it clear that I have feelings for him though I'm sure there is no doubt in his mind about that since last night. Or maybe I should just let this go like nothing happened, and hope he makes the next move if he's interested. I don't know... I mean I think he likes me, but I'm paranoid that I scared him off especially since it was only a month ago that his girlfriend broke up with him and he's still coping with what happened since they've been together for so long.
 
I mean I think he likes me, but I'm paranoid that I scared him off especially since it was only a month ago that his girlfriend broke up with him and he's still coping with what happened since they've been together for so long.

You'll help him cope. Go for it and talk to him!
 
Well what really confuses me that I forgot to mention is that while he seemed to have no problem with me groping him. At some point my hand got really close to his junk and he pushed my had away. That's the only mixed signal I got from him. But he didn't push my hand off of him, he just simply moved it away from his crotch and back onto his thigh...
 
Well what really confuses me that I forgot to mention is that while he seemed to have no problem with me groping him. At some point my hand got really close to his junk and he pushed my had away. That's the only mixed signal I got from him. But he didn't push my hand off of him, he just simply moved it away from his crotch and back onto his thigh...

He just didn't want to do anything then and there. That doesn't mean he's not gay. Letting guys feel you up is not straight. It's as simple as that.
 
This is shaping up to be one of those uncomfortable "Boy, was I drunk last night" stories.

If this was a straight situation and your friend was female, how do you think that everyone would have felt about you groping your female friend in front of another one of your friends?

There are other more subtle ways to say, "I'm gay". Groping a drunk friend who is on the rebound in front of someone else is probably not the best way to tell someone you're interested.
 
I sent him a text today, saying that I was sorry if it made him uncomfortable. His response was too vague to really put me at ease or anything. He just replied "it's cool" without saying if it made him uncomfortable or not. So I don't know. All I know is that after I put my arm around him, he put his arm around me as well, so there was a bit of reciprocation...

I didn't blame it on the booze though when I texted him though or anything like that. And he hasn't expressed any disaproval or regret over this... nor has he done anything to encourage it... so I just don't know. Meh...
 
Don't let your paranoia kill you. He said it was cool, so it must be cool. Just relax.

Don't be all on edge next time you see him. RELAX!

Seems to me he might be up for more, but you are as nervous as a cat in a room full of rocking chairs. If you just relax and work with him, he might be up for a lot more. Get him to have a few drinks and spend the night. This time, don't have him sleep on the sofa, have him sleep with YOU!

My opinion!
 
Every experience I have ever had with a Bi guy claiming to be straight has ended poorly, so maybe I am jaded on the issue. I would be up front with him, tell him you are gay and interested, but if he wants to just be friends, that is cool too. I would recommend not doing it while either of you are drunk, or you are just asking for more uncertainty :(.

See what he says, and take it from there.
 
I sent him a text today, saying that I was sorry if it made him uncomfortable. His response was too vague to really put me at ease or anything. He just replied "it's cool" without saying if it made him uncomfortable or not. So I don't know. All I know is that after I put my arm around him, he put his arm around me as well, so there was a bit of reciprocation...

I didn't blame it on the booze though when I texted him though or anything like that. And he hasn't expressed any disaproval or regret over this... nor has he done anything to encourage it... so I just don't know. Meh...

It's good that you apologized.

Putting an arm around a friend's shoulder is not threatening. Putting your hand on his cock is a little out there- especially with one of your friends sitting there.
 
But that's the thing... I guess I keep forgetting to mention crucial details.
His friend has known him longer than I have known him. And his friend was pretty much encouraging it all, at one point he was practically cheering me on.

and about the crotch contact. I didn't purposely go for the junk. I moved my arm *which was draped over his leg, my hand was pretty much dangling off his thigh between his legs the whole time* and I grazed his sack or something. wasn't like I was lunging for him or anything, and I quickly said "sorry" when he moved my hand away.
 
But that's the thing... I guess I keep forgetting to mention crucial details.
His friend has known him longer than I have known him. And his friend was pretty much encouraging it all, at one point he was practically cheering me on.

and about the crotch contact. I didn't purposely go for the junk. I moved my arm *which was draped over his leg, my hand was pretty much dangling off his thigh between his legs the whole time* and I grazed his sack or something. wasn't like I was lunging for him or anything, and I quickly said "sorry" when he moved my hand away.

Who knows whether some of the people in the room thought this was a game of "gay chicken"?

Actually, there are two of you who know- you (the groper) and him (the gropee).

It sounds like the groper and the gropee are due for a talk.
 
Well finally got to talk to him. Sent him a somewhat long winded email about the situation and pretty much laying out how I felt about him and why and how I felt about what happened.

He said he didn't feel the same way about me, but made a point to say that I'm one of the few friends that he likes and trusts.
 
Depressed, hopeless. Makes me wonder why he let me put my arm around him. Makes me wonder why he'd put his arm around me in response and run his fingers through my hair when I did the same to him. Makes me wonder why his best friend, who knows him better than I do and has known him longer encouraged me to do so. I guess I got bolstered by false hope.

At least I don't have to wonder anymore now that I have my answer. Instead of being overwhelmed with anxiousness and uncertainty of whether he might want to be with me, I'll just feel a little numb for a bit and try to ignore and cope with these feelings that are one sided.
 
Sounds like this guy is a super guy - he let you do all that, confess your feelings and still likes you. You have a great friend, things could have gone MUCH worse, read some of the horror stories on here.

Never know where things might end up. If he decides or wants to experiment, maybe you will be the one. You have a little while to be down, but then you need to get up tomorrow and be thankful that you have a good friend.
 
He is a great guy. Hence why I love him like I do. But I guess I'll have to move on to a certain extent. But you are right. It could have been way worse if he weren't so understanding. I mean I'd rather he be a good friend than nothing at all.
 
Well here is an update to this situation:

After telling him how I feel and him saying how I'm such a good friend, despite that, he pretty much drops all communication with me for about two weeks while still talking to all our other friends. After that two weeks, I get a random text from him asking what's up and we start texting each other like we normally did for the next couple of days. And then suddenly, again, he drops off the face of the earth. If I text him, no matter the subject I won't get a response from him. And I thought, maybe I'm just being paranoid. That maybe school and work is taking up alot of his time etc.

Then today, I noticed that I'm no longer in his top friends anymore on myspace... which wouldn't bug me if, that list was only a set amount of people. But what happened is that his top group was 4 people... a couple people he knew for years, the rest family. Well now he's put his entire friends list in his top group, everyone except for me.

I can't help but think that maybe he's trying to give me a hint... that he's slowly hedging me out of his life.
 
Pasacon, looks like you're friend has moved into the uncomfortable zone and (I think, not saying, just think) regretted what happened with you before. Honey, don't give yourself such a hard time because 1/ you were so drunk to have groped him on purpose 2/ You apologised for the action 3/ You tried to patch things up with him afterward
What you need right now is some time for yourself, relaxing and putting the whole thing aside for a while. Hang out with your friends, devote a bit more time in your work, go work out... just basically anything that keeps your mind constantly occupied and wait til what happens next. (I'm sorry, I'm probably not of any help at all but that is what I'd do if I were in your situation)
Good luck ;-)
Lukas
 
*performs some forum thread necromancy*

Newer update:

Our friendship has pretty much gone back to what it was now. But an interesting yet still depressing thing came up. This time it was five of us drinking including the guy I like. And at one point we are sitting on the patio talking and randomly he closes the glass door so no one inside can here us talk.

He pretty much started talking openly about what had happened a couple months ago. He said that he was sorry if I thought he was avoiding me or abandoning our friendship. That he had no clue about me being gay and it just took him by surprise and that's why he left suddenly the next day and why he cooled it on the texting and talking to me for a while because he just needed some time to process everything. He said that I'm a good friend, a great guy who is really nice and honest and great to talk to and he doesn't want to lose that.

What really threw me for a loop is that then he revealed his feelings about the issue.

He told me that he has tried a gay relationship in the past before and it simply didn't work out for him. And if the situation were different (that he wasn't still coping over a lost relationship) he would have said what the hell and went with it and something would have happened between us that night. While he pretty much implied that a guy is not ideally who he'd want to be with, a relationship with me would be great because he's tired of all the games and lies and cheating from his past girlfriends.... because he knows that I'm a really good person who's honest, respectful, dependable... someone who wouldn't cheat on him and play games with him... he said that a relationship with me would be a stable relationship.

But he did lament over the possible result if he had allowed things to go further or if he did decide to be with me. And I guess he's afraid of finding out that this relationship wouldn't work out for him like when he tried a gay relationship prior.

It doesn't exactly soothe the ache of unrequited love knowing that my feelings for him may not be completely non-reciprocal but still mostly unrequited... But it does make me feel better that he actually gave it an honest thought and contemplated the idea of us being together and had the honesty to tell me that.

It was even more impressive that he then asked if I was okay and hoped that he didn't crush me or make me said... I would have have answered how what he told me then had made me feel and exactly how I felt when he turned me down, but friends came outside and so we had to end the conversation...
 
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