Mercury - Archived Blog Posts

[Mercury]

Oh glory be a vacation. Well not really a vacation but extra days off. I am tired. In my line of work, I do not get STAT days. Tragic and possibly illegal, but I get paid out instead. Sure I could make them give me stat days so on some religious/partriotic occasion I could stay home and masterbate, but that would mean having to clean up even more stuff when I get back. I also rarely take vacations and I have enough Holiday pay banked to cruise around the world. However the last few months have taken their toll on me and I said "I need a break, if only for a while." So it's 4 days off for me where I am not working. So far they have called me twice and there is a crisis already. I am not the boss so I don't know why they can't handle it themselves but I seem to be on speed dial for everything "Where's this? Where's that? How do I do this? What do I do now?" for God's sake people I'm not the only manager!

But I digress for I am on vacation. It's amazing how wonderful a stressless environment is. It's just me, the computer, my cat and the rain. Well I am indoors just so you know. I enjoy rain when I'm not in it and don't have to go out in it. Today I intend to write. This is my warm up. I have a story that needs work and I want to submit it. That is my vacation task. Happiness is not the most significant things in your life, it is times like this. Gratitude for the very moment of just being. No change, no one else just you and a very deep breath. Sure the arrival of babies and love are great and all but those rare times where you just say to yourself "This is my day" are so precious to me it just makes me happy to be who I am where I am. Okay this is not making sense anymore. It's time to buckle down to my story. Ciao.

 

[Mercury]

Today I went to get some coffee and I happened to pass by a KFC. Out front was this girl in her early twenties passing out flyers. I thought she worked for KFC as part of some advertising thing. She gave me a flyer which I quickly put in my pocket and I continued on my quest for caffeine. As I was waiting in line to order my drink, I looked at the flyer and found out that it wasn't an coupon but rather a brochure for a group that campaigns against KFC. They are asking patrons to boycott the Chicken franchise because of KFC's cruelty towards animals. Of course to drive their campaign home they had testimonials from celebrities. I guess it's part of our culture that we turn to celebrities to help us make decisions to ease our social conscience. No one gives a crap about a cause until a multi million dollar endorsement deal is made. I think it's Kind of gross but I can see why it works. Anyway one of the testimonials was from Bea Arthur. She was disgusted at how KFC abuses it's chickens and begged me to visit her website on the issue. There were also testimonials from all different celebrities who wanted to public to know they had a social conscience but when I saw Bea Arthur on the list I was like "Oh Bea, what happened?"

To me Bea Arthur has only ever been about two things: "Maude" and "The Golden Girls". She is a fine actress who, from what I've heard, has done some amazing one woman shows and has a huge collection of Toni Awards but let's face it she's Maude Findley and Dorothy Zbornak. Maude was a little before my time but when I was a kid I watched all the reruns after school and I even learned the theme song. But Bea Arthur was an icon. As Maude she was all about women's rights. Women should be able to work, women can do anything a man can do, Maude was woman and she roared. Even her fashion sense was a little daring and it pushed the movement forward. As Dorothy Zbornak she let the world know that Women over 50 are still vibrant and can contribute to society and should be respected. She subverted a man's world. That kind of stuff is inspirational and she didn't get an endorsement deal from it. Before Margaret Cho, Moby and Natalie Merchant formed the militant left and every celebrity raised their voice demanding change, Bea Arthur was actually out making the change. That's the difference here. Everyone hates George Bush but I don't see anyone taking the steps to show the world how it should be. People today are just protesting out of reaction to events they aren't trying to take action to keep those events from happening. When they do happen, people are outraged and want blame to be placed and punishment to be doled out. I don't see a leader stepping up and taking control. Women like Maude and Dorothy were icons who stepped up to the plate and took control of a situation they didn't like. If it wasn't fair to them they would make it right or die trying. Inevitably they would say something sagely and would make the entire room stop and take stock in the voice of reason.

I think it's the voice of reason that's missing here. Celebrity endorsements on causes used to mean a lot more. Maude spoke of how women are part of society and can do anything as well as men. Dorothy proved that life doesn't end after 50 and the fight for change belongs to everyone from all races, ages and genders. However, Bea Arthur is telling me from the word bubble on the flyer given to me by the anti-KFC girl that she wouldn't eat the colonel's chicken knowing how he treats the chickens and neither should we because she is a celebrity and we are not. Somehow I'm not awed by this speech like I was when I saw her on her TV shows.

I can't seem to find anyone who provides the sagely voice of reason anymore. If KFC is abusing it's chickens, they should be putting together a campaign that is more than just a bunch of celebrity photos and word bubbles. If celebrities really cared about KFC they should be on the air talking about it. There should be more of an effort, not just "listen to me i'm famous". Oh Bea, how ever did you get into this mess?

 

[Mercury]

I think my writing group is disolving. Sad but true. Y'know what? I think it's actually a good thing. My wiritng group was never really an organized group. We would meet ever so often and go over pieces but over the past few months, fewer and fewer pieces were being reviewed. I admit that I haven't exactly been keeping up with my writing but the focus of conversation has gone from talking about pieces and what our publishing goals are to group therapy sessions where people feel the need to rehash the past, not for creative purposes, but for therapy reasons. Some of us want more of a group atmosphere and some of us want to focus on publication. I want to focus on publication, not talk about how childhood feelings of inadequacy keep me from getting close to my partner.

I wrote a story last week that I want to be published. I found a call for submissions and I have written the first draft of something I think would be good. I wanted to bring it to the writer's group so I could get feedback on it so I could spot the shortcomings that I as the writer can't see. The more criticism the better, I don't want to be told "It's fine". This would actually be a momentous thing in my writing group since only 1 person has been workshopped in the last 3 months. I was kind of excited, I felt like I had found a creative bug again. I offered to host this week's meeting in my tiny place and we had to move the date because people couldn't make it. I tried to accomodate as many people as I could but I want this thing workshopped. It's due in 2 months but I need to do rewrites and we only meet once a month. One person showed up. Some had real reasons for not coming which was fine I accept that, but some just didn't come. No explanation, no nothing. I sent my story out to them to read and they just plain didn't do anything. Is this even a group anymore? What's the point of getting together if we're not going to do what we set out to do? The one person who did show up was great and we discussed but we both feel the group is splitting apart. There are the ones who want to write and be published and the ones who just want a shoulder to cry on.

I'm a little miffed to tell you the truth. I've listened to their problems, discussed their pieces (when they've bothered to write) and made the effort to go to these meetings. Now that I need some feedback from them I get nothing. If they have a bad week they come to the meeting and spill their guts. If they have a good week they don't show up because they have nothing to gripe about. Well excuse me but is this a writer's group or not? I kind of want to cut the gristle and let them go so those of us who are serious can continue but I think that would just completly dissolve the group and then I have no one to workshop with. People suck

 

[Mercury]

It's Saturday...It's late...I'm blogging when I should be finishing a story but I want to do this right now. Today was nice I went out for a walk with some friends. Me, the bf, another couple, a friend and his friend. I think the couple are going to break up and I don't think I like the friend's friend that much. The couple have been on their way out for a while so I'm just waiting for the news but the new guy really irked me today. He was one of those gays who feel the need to tell you everything validating about his existence when you first meet him. I'm sure it's to make himself feel better but I was like "Dude, I get it." If someone is really as cool as they are pretending to be they wouldn't make a fuss about how much money they make or the wonderful work that they do. Any topic of conversation would be redirected to his life and then he would mention something wonderful that he had done. The rest of us were chatting and making observations about what we were looking at. We were just out for a walk and chilling. This guy kept talking and talking like we were all his new best friends and I'm the kind of person who needs to be around someone a few times before I really feel like we're friends. So I wasn't too impressed with him, but whatever he was the friend of a friend and I don't have to see him again.

Then he decided to go home with one of the members of that couple I was talking about. They have an open relationship but that issue has been the subject of many arguments in their home. Basically one of the likes to screw around and the other one doesn't but puts up with it because he doesn't want to be alone. For some strange reason the horny part of the couple talks to the guy and basically they start getting snuggly infront of the non-horny member of the couple who made it a point to tell the obnoxious guy that they were a couple. At that point the bf and I split. We were tired. But we found out that Honry and obnoxious went back to horney and non-horny's place for drinks leaving non-horny in a cafe. Are they drinking or are they getting their dinkies all stinky? Who knows? The bf and I are stepping out of the situation and waiting for non-horny to call us in tears. oy vey, the drama life of queens.

 

[Mercury]

I've done something I shouldn't have. Now I feel horrible. But I need to get this out and frankly this is the only forum I can do that without telling someone who will get involved. I just moved in with my boyfriend about 2 months ago. We've been dating a year now and... for the most part it's been pretty good. We do a lot together but we're not one of those couples who constantly need to be joined at the hip. Anyway We share a computer right now until I get off my ass and get Telus to install a phone jack for my computer. On his computer are 2 profiles, one for him and one for friends. I'm using the friends one until I get off my ass and phone telus.

I'm not allowed on his profile because it's his stuff and it's private. Fair enough. One curiosity got the better of me and I went into his profile at his internet links and saw a bunch of chat sights. I went into his profiles and read his messages. The messages were from guys hitting on him and from guys responding to his messages. He had been sending out nude pictures of himself and talking about working guys over with his tongue. All while we are dating. I assumed he was actually meeting up with these men since he gave out his address and phone number. I blew up. I was in such a rage and it was a huge fight. I called him a liar and a cheater. When we got together he told me about how much his last 2 boyfriends hurt him because the left him for other guys. He said he hated cheaters with a passion and if I ever did it his family would hunt me down like a dog in the street. I'm not a cheater, so i didn't worry about it. Then I read these messages and I was furious. Who the hell was he to tell me that I had better watch myself when he was fucking half of Vancouver behind my back. We live downtown so how many of those tricks saw us walking hand in hand and looked at me and said "Poor sucker". I confronted him about it publicly and he said that he never actually meets these guys and he just chats to get off. He never meets them, he just indulges in a fantasy and gets off but he never meets them because he doesn't want to screw things up with me. I had to make a choice so I chose to belive him, I was furious and it scared him to see me that angry. He was angry that I was that furious about what I gleaned by invading his privacy . We patched things up and I apologized and I said it's fine if you chat but if I ever hear that you met someone it's over. We've both agreed that if either one cheats the relationship ends no questions asked.

Do things have been okay, except for our sex life. We rarely have sex. We work at opposite times of the day and we're both generally tired or not in the mood. But on the VERY rare occasion we do have sex I have to initiate it and basically plead my case. I thought, okay maybe he's really just too tired to be horny. Well we went on vacation and had sex twice (big whoop). Again I had to pick ideal conditions for us to actually do it other wise it never would have happened. So when we got back I just figured it would be back to work mode. Well I've walked in the door 3 times and he's down to his skivvies in front of the computer with the lube tucked away chatting pretending it's too hot to wear clothes but by the time I put my stuff down he throws on a pair of sweats. Meanwhile MSN is ringing off the hook in the background and I'm not allowed near the computer until he logs off. Whatever he's chatting to get off again but he never wants to have sex with me.

So I went back into his profiles and read messages. I knew what to expect. People comment on his pics he tells them he wants to lick them in naughty places, general fantasy. But I'm also reading messages that he wrote saying that he had a boyfriend and needs to be discreet. Some friends of his are coming up this summer from the states and their e-mail conversation contains the phrase "My boyfriend thinks we met at pride and I'de like to leave it at that." followed by "Don't worry we don't want to cause any DRAMA." When people ask when he's free he replies giving times I'm at work and he's not. It could just be fantasy and he doesn't meet these guys, I could be jumping to conclusions about these stories. The fact of the matter is I have a difficult time being in a relationship where I don't think someone is cheating on me. I don't go crazy but I do wonder. There's just some point where you get comfortable with someone and they don't excite you anymore. So you go hunting for something on the side. Meanwhile I'm left in the dust wondering what I'm doing wrong, or not doing. Should I go to the gym more? Is it worth trying to become something I'm not just to keep my boyfriend. Is he even worth keeping if he tosses my feelings aside. If he's able to lie to me guiltlessly just because he doesn't see the big deal when for me it just spells the end. It hurts and it hurts a lot right now. I don't know how to broach the subject with him. I don't want him to know I've read his mail. Right now I just feel like dirt. Not guilty, just stupid. Stupid because if he is cheating on me then the signs were there 9 months ago when I first saw it and I didn't do anything and stupid because if he's not cheating then I invaded his privacy yet again for no good reason and was dumb enough to be shocked at what I found even though I should know better.

I also don't want to be in a relationship where I might get sex for ten minutes once a month. As bad as this sounds...I wonder how life would be had I never met him and never took the chance. I wish this wasn't my problem.