Moving on after break up

[mcbg22]

Me and my boyfriend broke up a month ago and I'm still struggling with moving on. I keep looking at our old pictures together, reading cards he gave me, etc. and it makes me really sad. I know that's not a good thing to do but I can't help myself remembering old memories and hoping we somehow can fix our relationship.

My ex keeps texting me and asking me out to have lunch and stuff and he wants us to stay friends but every time I talk to him or see him, I just feel depressed and sad because I still have feelings for him. I told him I didn't think being friends would work for me and that we should just not talk or see each other but he says I was his most meaningful relationship and that he doesn't want to say goodbye forever.

He's the first guy I truly loved and was in a serious relationship with. The first guy I lived with. The first guy I said I love you to and who told me he loved me. The first guy I introduced to my family. The first guy I bottomed for and the list goes on.

He was such an important part of my life and I can't find a way to move on and go back to my life before him when I actually enjoyed being single and doing stuff alone.

I'm seeing a therapist once a week and I have tons of people in my life I can talk to and do things with but I still end up alone at the end of every day.

Any tips or advice on what I should do?

 

[kallipolis]

I retained a non sexual friendship with the first big love of my life after he confessed to becoming a heroin addict...I continued to monitor his progress at a rehabilitation clinic where he was "incarcerated" for some 18 months....also, maintaining close contact with his family...he died at age 40 years from a coronary...

I chose not to ignore my old flame preferring to share a coffee with him two, or three times a year to encourage him.

I returned to meeting men and eventually entered into a fresh relationship that lasted until he married a woman...they eventually divorced after he fathered two children.

Don't shed tears...resume living, for you have a responsibility to enjoy your life that should include enjoying your ex's company as a friend, would appreciate the company of a friend.

Ones emotions should never become ones master....

 

[jaysizzles]

Don't deny yourself the right to grieve, but also don't allow it to consume you. If you feel yourself start to get into a rut, push yourself to step out of it.

There have been a few times when a friend kind of disappears from the circle of friends I have because they were in a relationship, and when the relationship ended, all of a sudden they'd be back. Sure, we always would roll our eyes, but of course we'd include them in on whatever was happening. That's what friends do...so rely on them for support and companionship.

As for your ex wanting to remain part of your life...? I guess it depends on the reasons for the breakup as to whether you can remain friends with them or not. If you feel you need no contact in order to get through this, then by all means that's what you should do. Perhaps don't rule out the possibility that someday you'll be able to view him as just a friend though. I've seen couples that split remain friends and continue to socialize with each other and their spouses. Think about all the stuff you had in common and how you enjoyed his company. So the relationship didn't work...can a friendship work instead...in time?

 

[mcbg22]

Don't deny yourself the right to grieve, but also don't allow it to consume you. If you feel yourself start to get into a rut, push yourself to step out of it.

There have been a few times when a friend kind of disappears from the circle of friends I have because they were in a relationship, and when the relationship ended, all of a sudden they'd be back. Sure, we always would roll our eyes, but of course we'd include them in on whatever was happening. That's what friends do...so rely on them for support and companionship.

As for your ex wanting to remain part of your life...? I guess it depends on the reasons for the breakup as to whether you can remain friends with them or not. If you feel you need no contact in order to get through this, then by all means that's what you should do. Perhaps don't rule out the possibility that someday you'll be able to view him as just a friend though. I've seen couples that split remain friends and continue to socialize with each other and their spouses. Think about all the stuff you had in common and how you enjoyed his company. So the relationship didn't work...can a friendship work instead...in time?

Technically I broke up with him. Our last 2 weeks together, I could sense something was wrong but he didn't want to talk about it and one night I found out he had been lying to me about a bunch of stuff.

I freaked out and tried to talk to him but things escalated and we ended up having a big fight after which I told him it was over and I wanted him to move out the next day. He left and in the next two weeks, I was the one regretting the whole thing and trying to work things out but he wasn't interested.

I realize even if we get back together, it would be difficult for us to work on trust and communication but I still would have liked to try. He seems to just want to be friends but that's not possible for me since I still have feelings for him.

Last week, we finalized the exchange of our stuff and we both told each other we would take some space but on Sunday, he texted me asking me to have lunch with him, with a pretty please. I agreed but after 20 minutes of chit-chat, I started feeling really emotional.

After our lunch, I texted him saying we shouldn't talk or see each other and that being friends wasn't possible for me but he said he wanted to keep seeing me. He also apologized for lying to me and said I didn't deserve to be treated that way and that he was a horrible person for doing that to me. He said I made him so happy and he didn't want to say goodbye forever.

I waited a day to reply because I was busy and wanted to think about it and I ended up telling him I wasn't sure how we could be friends but that I preferred to talk about it in person so I invited him to come over that night to talk.

He ended up replying the next day saying he also preferred to talk about it in person but that he could only see me the next day or the week after. I was annoyed by his late reply and the fact that he was acting so busy so I told him talking about it wouldn't solve anything and that I couldn't be his friend. I said he seemed to be enjoying his new single life and wished him the best. He hasn't replied to that text or called me since... I feel like if he really wanted to be with me, he would have found the time to see me faster. Anyway, since he hasn't replied in a few days, I guess he's over wanting to be friends now...

 

[sixthson]

Is it possible that there is a part of you that is trying to punish him for his bad behavior by withholding friendship? I'm not saying you should be friends or even could be friends, just asking. You are willing to meet on your terms and at your times and feel rejected when he does not cooperate or respond fast enough. I'm not trying to be critical, just trying to help you think through this honestly.

You are suffering the loss of an important relationship. You need time to heal. I suggest that you do meet in person and each be honest about everything. Then perhaps ask him to give you some time and see how you feel then.

Did you ever find out why he seems to have lost interest? It's not fair to you if you don't know the reason.

 

[mcbg22]

Is it possible that there is a part of you that is trying to punish him for his bad behavior by withholding friendship? I'm not saying you should be friends or even could be friends, just asking. You are willing to meet on your terms and at your times and feel rejected when he does not cooperate or respond fast enough. I'm not trying to be critical, just trying to help you think through this honestly.

You are suffering the loss of an important relationship. You need time to heal. I suggest that you do meet in person and each be honest about everything. Then perhaps ask him to give you some time and see how you feel then.

Did you ever find out why he seems to have lost interest? It's not fair to you if you don't know the reason.

That's a good point. A part of me doesn't want to give him my friendship after everything that happened. I literally centred my life around him and did anything and everything to make him happy and for me to find out he had been lying to me was a pretty big betrayal. And even after the break up, I wanted to talk and try to fix our relationship but he isn't interested. It would be too painful for me to be his friend while he's moving on and already looking on Grindr...

I don't know exactly why he doesn't want to work on our relationship anymore. He's told me many stories but I dunno what is true: what will his friends think of him if he goes back to me after I threw him out, I deserve a better guy than him, etc.

I did feel upset that he took so long to reply to my text message and that he wasn't easily available to see me because he's never acted like that before and I'm used to being a priority for him, just as he was a priority for me and it hurts for me to be treated by him like an acquaintance now

I've been miserable for 4 weeks now and I don't know what else I can do.

 

[Seasoned]

You didn't really break up with him, did you? You acted like you did to shake him up. Well, indoing that you run the risk of being taken seriously. Relationships don't need manufactured drama, believe me. This is something I've learned in my 32 year relationship.

If you want him back you need to ask him back, but you've lost credibility and leverage. You wanted him to change for you and that might not be possible now. If you or he can't or won't change you're likely to be back in the same place within weeks if not days.

If he's not interested in coming back box up those pictures and give them to a friend to hold if you're not willing to toss them. Make a clean break until you grieve the loss of the relationship and then and only then decide if you can be friends. Frankly, I don't see the point of exes remaining friends, but we're all wired differently.

 

[Oracle]

You didn't really break up with him, did you? You acted like you did to shake him up. Well, indoing that you run the risk of being taken seriously. Relationships don't need manufactured drama, believe me. This is something I've learned in my 32 year relationship.

If you want him back you need to ask him back, but you've lost credibility and leverage. You wanted him to change for you and that might not be possible now. If you or he can't or won't change you're likely to be back in the same place within weeks if not days.

If he's not interested in coming back box up those pictures and give them to a friend to hold if you're not willing to toss them. Make a clean break until you grieve the loss of the relationship and then and only then decide if you can be friends. Frankly, I don't see the point of exes remaining friends, but we're all wired differently.

Tips?

Do some you time. Get used to you. There's nothing wrong with being alone. Get some hobbies, take some classes. Occupy your time. Don't sit around dwelling on the loss. That's not to say you shouldn't grieve what you've lost; just focus on living your life.

Agreed - box the pictures up and give them to someone to keep out of your sight. You want to move on? You're gonna have to break this tough bit of news to your ex: "it's not all about you. I need time and space to heal. Don't text me. We're not doing lunch or the friend thing. At least not now. Maybe someday in the future."

It irks me so much when a significant other wants to break up and "still be friends." It isn't feasible to expect people to go from romantic partners back to two people with some things in common and can occasionally share a laugh or two. Only time gives you that. That's why it bums me out when people in relationships shun their friends and other support systems because the new lover is all there is of the world. When the relationship ends, they find themselves lost, unsupported and much more miserable.

 

[tarallucci]

I also find it inappropriate when the ex partner is asking to be just friends.
After everything that there has been between the two, it feels like you are being somehow downgraded or be set aside, and it would be awkward to share the free time together as if nothing happened in general.

I know it's a terrible feeling, but don't keep hurting yourself hoping for things to change, I would be more pissed than sorry. You put all of yourself in this relationship and he didn't even tell you that something was changing and he would have probably kept cheating if you didn't find out by yourself.
Now he wants to be friends while he's looking on the dating application. How quick was that? Seems like he doesn't care much by now honestly, and he's asking that to show mercy.

Be strong enough to overcome this, it's not the end of the world. There are other places your mind can go, there are your friends and a new life to start to be happy again.

 

[TX-Beau]

Going to second the you can't be friends chorus, I am friends with a couple of guys I dated, but that happened way later and it's not like we're close.

As to the rest, you told him it;s over, you kicked him out, what he does now is not your territory anymore.

If he doesn't want to text you, if he doesn't want to have lunch with you, if he doesn't want to open up and talk, that's officially his prerogative.

Like Seasoned, I get the sense that you were pulling some kind of ultimatum shit, and got bit by it. Almost like you expected him to come apologetically crawling back, and then he didn't.

 

[mcbg22]

I didn't manufacture any drama or give him any ultimatum. That night, it was clear in my mind our relationship was over. I tried to talk to him calmly about finding out he had been lying to me about things for months and texting other guys and he didn't want to so things escalated and I ended up asking him to leave and move out. I didn't do this expecting him to crawl back apologizing at all.

With that said, in the following days, I missed him and since this is my first serious relationship and first real love, I felt like we should try to fix our relationship somehow and reached out to him but he wasn't interested. That is fine, but he is the one who kept texting me after and asking me to have lunch, etc. I don't understand why he kept doing that and telling me how happy I make him, how important I am to him, that he loves me, that he misses me, etc. yet he insists he only wants to be friends. Anyway, I haven't heard from him in a week since I told him being friends wouldn't work for me so I guess he got the message...

 

[mcbg22]

And JUST as I typed this message, he texts me the following: I miss you so much right now. I've been thinking about you for days. Can I come see you tomorrow night to talk?

UGH

 

[Seasoned]

I hope you didn't take my comments as an attack and if you did I apologize. That wasn't my intent. What you describes was my early behavior in my current relationship. As time passes I think you'll realize what I did, that is, the drama sometimes takes over especially when what we perceived as the perfect boyfriend fucks up.

You're relationship won't be over until it's over. How will you know that? When no words, phone calls or texts from him gets you to wondering and hoping. He'll do what he wants to do and it will be up to you to either ignore him or seek a reconciliation. The last thing you want is to be half in and half out.

 

[Oracle]

You ended your relationship with him for a reason, and in a moment of weakness and pain attempted to go back to what you had previously decided was not working for you, and he declined, yet he continues to contact you. He's playing games with you. Your breaking up with him asserted a power over him. You relinquished that power to him when you went to him to try to reestablish your relationship. He now holds power over you in a sense and I'm certain he's aware of that fact. People get hurt and angry when they are broken up with and like to retaliate in any way they can.

The best thing you can do for yourself is remember why you chose to end this relationship and ignore him and any nagging feelings that say you miss and need him. That you need him is an illusion that the small part of you (and all of us) has that believes we are dependent on something or someone to survive. We cling to what is familiar and our brains do whatever possible to get back to that familiar comfort when it's no longer there.

 

[mcbg22]

We ended up meeting up on Saturday and it was a bad idea. We both bawled like babies saying we missed each other but he's still not sure of what he wants. We spent the night together crying, talking, cuddling, kissing. He also told me he slept with someone else in the past month. Even though we weren't together anymore, it really hurts me because the entire time I was crying and telling him I wanted us to work on our relationship but he just gave up on me and moved on to some random person. I am heartbroken...

 

[Seasoned]

The best thing the two of you can do is to take a break from one another because what you're doing is torture. Agree to separate for a certain amount of time with no contact. You'll each have a clearer idea of what each of you wants. You're going to have to trust that you will survive and even thrive even if the breakup is permanent.

 

[mcbg22]

The best thing the two of you can do is to take a break from one another because what you're doing is torture. Agree to separate for a certain amount of time with no contact. You'll each have a clearer idea of what each of you wants. You're going to have to trust that you will survive and even thrive even if the breakup is permanent.

Tonight he texted me saying he wants to give our relationship another try but that first we need to meet again to discuss what worked and what didn't our first time so that we don't repeat past mistakes. Good idea or not?

 

[Seasoned]

Of course it's ok. If you're both serious about getting back together couples counseling would be a good idea. What you don't want to do is to get into a repeating cycle of break up and make up.

 

[mcbg22]

Of course it's ok. If you're both serious about getting back together couples counseling would be a good idea. What you don't want to do is to get into a repeating cycle of break up and make up.

That's something I wanted to suggest. I'm already having counselling once a week.

 

[Seasoned]

Sounds like you're on a self-improvement plan. Let's hope he's a willing participant in bettering your relationship. Best wishes.