My boyfriend's porn habit - should I be bothered?

[Danny]

Before I begin, I want to say that YES I am fully aware that I am posting this on a site that provides porn. I signed up for this site yearssss ago when I was into porn and single. Now, I don't look at porn and use this site for the forums. And only the forums. So, no comments about hypocrisy please.

Now the story: I've been dating my boyfriend for about 2 years. We're monogamous. We discuss marriage often. The relationship is more than anything I could have hoped for.

About a month ago, I noticed he had a tumblr app on his phone. I asked if this was for looking at/saving porn, and he admitted that it was. I told him that I didn't like that he was looking at porn. It makes me feel like he's not getting his sexual desires fulfilled with me, so he's having to seek them elsewhere. And also that it hurt my self esteem, because then I'm going to wonder what is he looking at that I can't provide? Men with better bodies? Older men? Younger men? Men of a different race? A bigger dick? A better ass? I also told him that I believe that just looking will eventually not be enough and he's going to seek that gratification in other ways. His response was that he doesn't feel the same, he believes it's just for entertainment, but the fact that it made me feel that way hurts him, so he would stop and focus his sexual desires only on me.

He doesn't know that I know his tumblr URL, so from time to time I check it. Recently, I've noticed that he's been following new people, so he's clearly logging in. Today, he's off from work. I checked his tumblr an hour after I'd left home, and he'd followed 4 new blogs in that hour. It's like he couldn't wait for me to leave so that he could be alone and look at porn. That hurts me.

My question to you guys is "how do I handle this?" I'm very aware that things are "different" in the "gay world". Certain things that may not be acceptable in straight relationships seem to be acceptable in gay relationships. I'm really trying to avoid being a prude and controlling my boyfriend, but the fact that I asked him not to do this because it hurt me...I thought that he would respect that. I just feel lied to and disrespected. I wish he would have just told me that he felt differently and didn't feel like he needed to stop. At least that would be more honest. Now, I'm questioning other things that he's told me he'd stop doing because of how they made me feel (in the beginning of our relationship, he thought it was ok to keep texting his ex flings, until I told him it's not).

Please, give serious advice. I'm reaching out, here, instead of asking a friend, because I don't want anyone to think negatively about him. Thanks, guys.

 

[Cormac135]

You sound a bit controlling, what's next, no looking at hot male actors.

It's only porn, a fantasy to jack off to for 5 minutes, at least your talking and seem to have a good relationship, your snooping aside.

Add a bit of porn watching to your foreplay.

 

[Danny]

Lol no, we discuss our celeb crushes frequently. I know this stems from my own self esteem issues (let's admit that almost all gay men have them). But situations like this one are what cause my self esteem issues. I don't need porn in my foreplay...the sex is amazing without it.

I'm trying to find the positive here. Maybe the sex is amazing because he gets ideas from the porn? Lol

 

[jaysizzles]

I can't relate. I don't believe that looking at porn will lead to cheating. It's entertainment and stimuli, which, in a good relationship, can enhance your sex life...or just pass the time. I also don't believe most men are wired to only find their partner desireable...we like to look and fantasize (well most of us, excluding you )

Your not trusting him to remain faithful, as well as your trying to control him and make you the sole object of his desires/arousals are more likely to push him away than his looking at porn. I mean...he's sneaking and lying to you about this....wouldn't you rather have him be himself and be honest with you than the deceipt? And you in turn with your sneaking and spying on him by looking at his account! Allthis deception is not healthy for any relationship! The sex is "amazing" as you say...you are looking for a problem that just isn't there. Concede on the watching porn thing...let him have his fun, or live with the mistrust, continued lying and sneaking...probably a future breakup.

 

[Danny]

Thanks for your feedback. I do have a few responses for you.

1) why do I have the be the one to concede? I've explained to him how it makes me feel. So I should just continue letting him disrespect me (my opinion)? Why can't he concede and stop committing the action that I feel is disrespectful to me? My actions aren't hurtful. His are.

2) I'm not sure why you asked if I would rather him be honest than be deceitful. I stated in the original post that I'd rather him just tell me that he doesn't agree and won't stop, rather than lying to me.

3) is it really spying? Tumblr is a public blog site. I'm not logging into his account or anything. I'm only visiting his public page. If he's wanting to hide something, a public website isn't the place to do so.

 

[jaysizzles]

You don't have to concede...the other alternative is "live with the mistrust, lying, and sneaking...probably a future break up." He knows you don't want him to look at porn or look at any other guy but you...but he's doing it anyway. All I'm suggesting is that you concede on that as long as he agrees to stop sneaking and lying to you about it. But, I can tell you aren't willing to, so....don't then. See where that gets you.

Have you told him you've been keeping tabs on his use of the tumblr page? If you haven't, it's as good as spying on him, imo, and being deceitful...public page or not. You can confront him again that you know he's on the site, and insist he stop, which he may do for awhile, but he'll eventually go back to looking at it...just be more descreet about it, and you'll continue to try to catch him doing it. Ugh...it all sounds so exhausting.

 

[TX-Beau]

Thanks for your feedback. I do have a few responses for you.

1) why do I have the be the one to concede? I've explained to him how it makes me feel. So I should just continue letting him disrespect me (my opinion)? Why can't he concede and stop committing the action that I feel is disrespectful to me? My actions aren't hurtful. His are.

OK, you seem to be in some kind of adversarial mindset. This isn't a contest, you don't get to force your will on other people and then claim yourself as justification. That is manipulation, probably emotional blackmail as well. Your actions by your own admission are an attempt to control his behavior, Frankly that is more damaging than the porn.

Look at the assumptions you are making. You think that the porn means he isn't into you, that he is going to run off and do porn with someone else, that you aren't good enough, etc. What is the common thread here? YOU. He told you how he felt, you ignored him and how he felt. Why are only YOUR feelings the ones that matter? Because that is how you sound right now. If you have no reason to suspect any of that except porn, the problem is not his. Which you actually seem to be peripherally aware of.

BTW why on earth are you thinking that you have to be "everything" sexually to him, A little advice, that will never be true for you or any other guy you ever date, so you might as well face it now. Commitment is the reason one doesn't act on those other attractions, but if you are going to insist on an impossibility like that you might as well get out of the game now, because you will always be disappointed.

The reason you are so paranoid about both of these things is insecurity. There is nothing he can do to solve that for you, and no matter what he does you will find a reason to be insecure until you deal with that on your own.

2) I'm not sure why you asked if I would rather him be honest than be deceitful. I stated in the original post that I'd rather him just tell me that he doesn't agree and won't stop, rather than lying to me.

You can say that all you want, but if you have created an atmosphere where it is easier for him to be silent, rather than deal with an histrionic episode, the blame is not all on him. You create the conditions for honesty in your relationship. Demanding he change if he loves you is not one of them. That is emotional blackmail.

3) is it really spying? Tumblr is a public blog site. I'm not logging into his account or anything. I'm only visiting his public page. If he's wanting to hide something, a public website isn't the place to do so.

Sorry, you can justify that all you want, but you went snooping and spying to catch him in the act. Hint, you never get any good news from spying, and if you'd found nothing, I suspect you'd just think you weren't thorough enough.

This is a desperate act that looks creepy. If you are so insecure that you are checking up on him and going through his shit, you have the problem, and even if he's a cheating asshole, you will never be secure, until you change yourself.

What should you do? Discuss your insecurity issues with him - without making and demands on him, and see if he won't volunteer to help you with that, instead of trying to force him to be someone else. His feelings are equally as important as yours, and before you say it, I guarantee you, you are doing something that irritates him maybe like spying on him.

 

[TwinkleFuck]

I'm all about freedom. Your freedom mostly. It bothers you and you have the right to be bothered for the reasons you stated. With that being said, have you ever asked him if his needs are being met? Are you meeting his sexual needs? Of course not the one's that cannot be met through fantasy. Let him know it bugs you and for those reasons you mentioned first.

Is he addicted to porn? He could be an addict, I know I am but I don't mind it because it isn't negatively impacting a relationship or my work life, personal life, etc. I'm very content with my porn habits but maybe he can't help it and he needs or wants support in stopping? Why does he use porn, the above or addiction or. . .

Or, given your possibilities are endless, maybe take into consideration the whole. This is one thing he does and one thing he may want to do. If you love him for everything else, ladedah on the porn. Someday everyone is going to be old and ugly, I think porn takes that edge and anxiety away. So someday you may watch porn with him together? Love comes with a serious obligation to take you and your feelings seriously, and love means you need to take his activities and feelings seriously, at some point either him or you will have to accept something which you were not currently willing to accept. Change, it's a scary thing. Hope it all turns out for the best.

 

[Benvolio]

There are articles on the internet that watching porn for a few minutes raises the testosterone level by as much as 40%. Some athletes do it for better performance. So to that extent, it makes him hornier for you. But if he jacks off, the release may make him less horny. That should be the real question.

 

[jjmc]

I never post any advice in these threads--mostly because everyone says what I'm thinking. This case is the same. But I just wanted to say I know how you feel. I've been down this road before (5 years ago) and it led to total destruction of the relationship.

I felt like you do and made the same request to my ex. He responded the exact same way your boyfriend did. And just like your boyfriend, my ex snuck and watched porn behind my back. It hurt me further. It led to me questioning everything and it led him to hide things from me more and more. And 18 months later the relationship was not even close to salvageable.

It sucks because he was a good guy and months later when I came off the ledge (from being pissed off at his actions), I realized that he was very loyal to me and was never EVER going to take it any further and cheat. Porn was literally entertainment and stimulus for him. He was very attracted to me and we had great sex. he also found other types attractive, but was MOST attracted to me and very very faithful.

I couldn't see this at the time. I eventually learned that I too am attracted to different types too. I love different races. Some days I love daddies; some days I love twinks; some days I'm really into rough/forcedsex (role play, lol); and some days I just want to be selfish, be alone, bust my own nut and keep it moving. I hate that I'm about to say these words--if I could do it all over again, I would handle it very differently. I would have a civil conversation and just draw my line at emotional or physical cheating. And I wouldn't be policing his use of porn. The porn was so harmless. Maybe in other relationships it would lead a man to cheat, but you gotta know your man and have great communication. And I should've known better, because my ex is a very faithful guy. It's true, you kinda never know what a person will do until they actually do it. But policing him (and waiting for him to mess up) will eventually drive you CRAZY and your great relationship will go down in flames. So basically I'm saying chill. Don't do it bro. Don't do it.

 

[Danny]

OK, you seem to be in some kind of adversarial mindset. This isn't a contest, you don't get to force your will on other people and then claim yourself as justification. That is manipulation, probably emotional blackmail as well. Your actions by your own admission are an attempt to control his behavior, Frankly that is more damaging than the porn.

So what yours saying is that he can force his will on me, in the form of porn, but I can't force my will on him, in the form of respect? Got it.
Also, if he tells me that he wants to look at porn and I need to be ok with it, despite what I've already told him, is that not a form of manipulation? Is that not emotional blackmail? watching porn has nothing to do with emotions. However, forcing me to be ok with something that I've stated as Damaging to my emotions is.

 

[Kyanimal]

Forcing anything, on anybody, trying to manipulate and control them, is a recipe for disaster in Any relationship! Don't go there!

Do you Love your guy Unconditionally? Apparently not. You definitely have control issues. And, that's more on you than on him, or how he might behave. You're the one demanding he concede to Your issues.

There may be no better way to push him away!

SO ... He likes watching porn. So what? He's a GUY! Porn is such a big business because most Guys are hard wired to like porn! That's a "Given"!

You're absolutely correct that You have a problem! SO, that's something that YOU have to deal with, not him!

I'd be more concerned about my guy if he Didn't like porn! It would piss me off more if he wasn't sharing it with me! Does he have good sources? If it's something that revs his engine, I want to see it too!

The only one "damaging" your emotions is You!

I would strongly suggest to find a way to get your insecurities under control, or you're going to be finding yourself alone relatively soon! Is that what you'd prefer?

For your own sake, and his, Relax, and Chill the Hell OUT!

If this is the worst "problem" in your relationship, thank your Lucky Stars, and fucking get around to enjoying all the rest!

Don't let a little, inconsequential, "speed bump" like this swerve you off the road!

Do your best to get a grip, Buddy!

He's being himself. He's being a Natural Dude. Join him! (Or likely loose him.)

 

[TX-Beau]

So what yours saying is that he can force his will on me, in the form of porn, but I can't force my will on him, in the form of respect? Got it.
Also, if he tells me that he wants to look at porn and I need to be ok with it, despite what I've already told him, is that not a form of manipulation? Is that not emotional blackmail? watching porn has nothing to do with emotions. However, forcing me to be ok with something that I've stated as Damaging to my emotions is.

This is just you projecting. According to your story he hasn't asked you for anything, told you to stop doing anything, or made his insecurity dictate how you behave. I can't be clearer than that.

 

[TX-Beau]

Your responses seem to imply you expected people to agree with you, but what people are telling you is that you aren't going to solve your insecurity issues buy trying to control him. The porn isn't what is making you insecure, you already have that problem, and you even know it.

The other thing people are trying to tell you, is that smothering him because you are insecure, is a really good way to lose him. What is it going to be next time? Say he gives up the porn, what's next, his friends? How do you know he isn't cheating at the gym?

The only person who can give you self esteem is you. He can't, no matter what he does.

 

[KaraBulut]

...My question to you guys is "how do I handle this?" I'm very aware that things are "different" in the "gay world". Certain things that may not be acceptable in straight relationships seem to be acceptable in gay relationships....

Yes, things are different in gay relationships because nothing is assumed and everything is open to negotiation.

Where straight couples assume monogamy and then are hurt by concealed affairs, gay couples hopefully can have an honest conversation about what level of openness there is to the relationship.

...Please, give serious advice. I'm reaching out, here, instead of asking a friend, because I don't want anyone to think negatively about him. Thanks, guys.

It comes down to trust and communication. If you have discussed and agreed that you will both be monogamous and you will not lie to each other, then you should allow him to have a private sex life that may not always involve you.

The porn isn't what is making you insecure, you already have that problem, and you even know it.

^QFT

This requires you to also be self-confident and to not assume that- just because he enjoys looking at other guys- it's about you. You cannot be every fantasy for him.

As long as he gets into your bed every night and as long as you have a healthy sex life that you both enjoy, his enjoyment of porn should not be made into an issue.

Also, if he tells me that he wants to look at porn and I need to be ok with it, despite what I've already told him, is that not a form of manipulation?

Several of the people you're getting advice from have been in LTRs (>10 years in many cases) with varying degrees of openness to their relationship.

The common thread in advice that you're getting is that your insecurity and your need to control your boyfriend's interest in porn will undo your relationship quicker than the porn will. Or worse, it will force him to start concealing and hiding what he's doing behind your back... and that opens the door to the sorts of lies and covert things that ruin a lot of straight relationships.

 

[eastofeden]

One question...

Do you honestly think it is a "good idea" to want to be everything for anybody?

If so...why?

 

[Seasoned]

Is he addicted to pornography and are you the co-dependent trying to control it? Your feelings are strong and seem to be based on fear. Only he can decide if he perceives a problem with pornography. The question for you to answer is whether you're going to leave the relationship.

You may want to google SCA, Sexual Compulsives Anonymous for more information

 

[Danny]

I never post any advice in these threads--mostly because everyone says what I'm thinking. This case is the same. But I just wanted to say I know how you feel. I've been down this road before (5 years ago) and it led to total destruction of the relationship.

I felt like you do and made the same request to my ex. He responded the exact same way your boyfriend did. And just like your boyfriend, my ex snuck and watched porn behind my back. It hurt me further. It led to me questioning everything and it led him to hide things from me more and more. And 18 months later the relationship was not even close to salvageable.

It sucks because he was a good guy and months later when I came off the ledge (from being pissed off at his actions), I realized that he was very loyal to me and was never EVER going to take it any further and cheat. Porn was literally entertainment and stimulus for him. He was very attracted to me and we had great sex. he also found other types attractive, but was MOST attracted to me and very very faithful.

I couldn't see this at the time. I eventually learned that I too am attracted to different types too. I love different races. Some days I love daddies; some days I love twinks; some days I'm really into rough/forcedsex (role play, lol); and some days I just want to be selfish, be alone, bust my own nut and keep it moving. I hate that I'm about to say these words--if I could do it all over again, I would handle it very differently. I would have a civil conversation and just draw my line at emotional or physical cheating. And I wouldn't be policing his use of porn. The porn was so harmless. Maybe in other relationships it would lead a man to cheat, but you gotta know your man and have great communication. And I should've known better, because my ex is a very faithful guy. It's true, you kinda never know what a person will do until they actually do it. But policing him (and waiting for him to mess up) will eventually drive you CRAZY and your great relationship will go down in flames. So basically I'm saying chill. Don't do it bro. Don't do it.

Thank you!!! This is the type of advice I was seeking, stated in a mature, kind manner, without making me seem like a terrible guy for having the feelings that I do. Great advice and story. Thanks again!!

 

[daddyfaux]

Yo, you got it good. I went through this same exact thing from your perspective. Some guys just aren't like us. I'm very hypersexual in a relationship, porn goes away and only comes back if I'm single. Whoever I'm seeing is enough, and if I'm ever jacking solo usually they are still the desire my fantasy. But that's just simply not the case with most guys, and you have to learn to let go of the control you want. It's super hard, and you feel like there should be some type of fairness on your end as well, but that's what letting go and accepting your lover's "bid" is all about. You have to accept the things you can't change for the better of your relationship, and allow yourself to trust him.

I was in a relationship for two years, and it happened. Wasn't what destroyed the relationship but was a huge factor in the brooding, the explosive arguments, the nagging, the smothering etc...


If I had what you had though, i would have taken it in a heartbeat. The porn became more frequent, and the sex became infrequent, to non-existent. At least you're still confident in the bedroom yes? The porn arguments turned into him having a grindr "just to chat!!11!1". Which eventually led to "I'm broken and don't want this relationship anymore" which is a pussy way of saying either "i dont desire you anymore" or "you've pushed me so far away I don't want you anymore." Regardless, it all started with arguments over porn. I have no idea if things would have turned out differently had I just accepted that I'm not the center of the universe much earlier.

 

[Danny]

Yo, you got it good. I went through this same exact thing from your perspective. Some guys just aren't like us. I'm very hypersexual in a relationship, porn goes away and only comes back if I'm single. Whoever I'm seeing is enough, and if I'm ever jacking solo usually they are still the desire my fantasy. But that's just simply not the case with most guys, and you have to learn to let go of the control you want. It's super hard, and you feel like there should be some type of fairness on your end as well, but that's what letting go and accepting your lover's "bid" is all about. You have to accept the things you can't change for the better of your relationship, and allow yourself to trust him.

I was in a relationship for two years, and it happened. Wasn't what destroyed the relationship but was a huge factor in the brooding, the explosive arguments, the nagging, the smothering etc...


If I had what you had though, i would have taken it in a heartbeat. The porn became more frequent, and the sex became infrequent, to non-existent. At least you're still confident in the bedroom yes? The porn arguments turned into him having a grindr "just to chat!!11!1". Which eventually led to "I'm broken and don't want this relationship anymore" which is a pussy way of saying either "i dont desire you anymore" or "you've pushed me so far away I don't want you anymore." Regardless, it all started with arguments over porn. I have no idea if things would have turned out differently had I just accepted that I'm not the center of the universe much earlier.

THANK YOU!!! Thanks for sharing your story and for also making me feel like I'm NOT the only person in the world who is bothered by this. And that I'm normal for having the feelings that I do. Gays these days are so judgemental and unaccepting of anything that doesn't fit their own views and experiences, which is so so SO hypocritical. I'm sorry to hear that your relationship went sour. Fortunately, my sex life is incredibly healthy and seems to become even more healthy the longer we date. The opposite of what everyone says will happen haha. I guess I'm just afraid that it would eventually lead to where it lead your ex (the porn not being enough). I guess I will take this as it comes, and see where we end up!