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This really was a trip of a life time for me in so many ways. I'm about to spill my guts so be warned, haha.
I came out to California to run away from my problems. Before my trip, I wasn't really able to look into the mirror. I knew I was looking at a shadow of my reflection. So, I booked a ticket to California to go to a JUB meet, relax and do some much needed soul searching. When everyone asked why I was going, I lied and told them I was just coming out here to vacation and get some sun.
I landed on Wednesday, Oct 1 got my rental car and headed out in search of my hotel; my home away from home. Funny thing was I didn't end up finding my hotel until the last hour of the night. I was trying to hard to find my hotel. I was just about to give up and find another hotel when I stumbled onto it. I thanked god.
That night I unpacked and went to bed physically exhausted. I awoke the next day and was excited because a fellow Jubber was meeting me that day - Noelie. I picked him up from LAX and we naturally got comfortable with each other. That night we headed to a bar. The funny thing was that Noelie didn't know it was a gay bar until we were about 10 minutes away from it, my poor sweet Noelie. You all should have seen that man that night. I couldn't believe how alive he was and how amazed he was to be in that environment. It was raw and honest. Needless to say the go-go boys took a lot of our money
.
The next day we relaxed until we had to go to LAX to pick up our travel buddy Alley. We picked him up and headed south to Anaheim. To Disneyland - the place where dreams really do come true
. We got to Anaheim and started the process of getting our hotel rooms situated. It turned out that I ended up switching hotels and staying with Noelie: The man who shaped my life in many ways. I didn't think that would happen. That day I remember thinking something big was going to happen, I just didn't know what. We got our room situated and then had a few glasses of wine then headed to the bowling alley to meet up with the rest of the gang. We meet up with the guys at the alley and had a blast!
After the bowling alley and a few drinks/many drinks, some of the guys came back to our hotel room; I’ll leave the rest up to your imagination. It was so amazing to see all the guys that night interacting with one another in an open and honest manner. Needless to say Saturday morning came way too early. That morning we got ready and headed to Gay Days at Disney! That day was magic. That day was beyond real words. It was something that had to be felt.
After the park ended we all separated and went back to our hotels to get ready for the big dinner meet at Tortilla Jo's that Stacy organized. Let me tell you – fun was had by all! It was truly beautiful to see the guys all interacting/flirting/shameless flirting with one another. I thank Stacy for this opportunity.
After the dinner we all tried to follow Stacy and Lycon to Stacy’s car to get the JUB shirts. Damn, I didn’t know those girls could move so fast! We eventually caught up to them got the shirts and decided to keep the good times rolling by planning an impromptu brunch at Millie's Restaurant on Harbor Blvd. After that we headed back to our hotel with a few of the guys to relax. We really relaxed. We got to see one another on a real level without judgement. It was really beautiful. That night was when it happened. I was alone with Noelie in our room just feeling the after glow of the day and something happened. I’m not even sure how it started? Noelie managed to take down my defences. He saw something in me that I have never allowed anyone else to see. He saw my inner child. He saw who I really was. He didn’t judge me either. He let me be me and that’s how I slowly began to see that everything was going to be alright. He told me to start off by taking baby steps. And that’s what I’ve tried to do since. It was good to see that place inside myself. If you haven’t been there yet, I strongly suggest you look into it. There’s a real surprise waiting for you there
!
That night I slept with Noelie. Not with him, but in the bed with him you cheeky buggers. I awoke the next morning and started on those baby steps Noelie was taking about. I knew I would fall down every once in awhile, but I knew I would be forgiven. The next day we went shopping, eating, swimming, drinking, you name it we did it. It was a whole bunch of things that hit the spot. That night we had some drinks in DA and Nine’s room. I once again went back into hiding. Not so far back this time, but still back. I just wasn’t truly able to come out yet. I had to take those baby steps again. I knew that once I took them this time it would be the last time I started off in that place.
Like all things, even good things have to come to an end. This time something different happened, just as that good time ended a new one began to grow and they over lapped each other in an interesting way. I really began to see that everything is connected. If you look open enough you will see that too. I truly believe that. I Embraced it.
Sorry, about that, but I need to come back down for a second to tell the rest of my story, haha. After that night in DA and Nine’s room I sensed something. I wasn’t sure what it was, but something in me started to grow. Shortly after that we all said our goodbye’s and headed back to our rooms. The next day was about shopping aimlessly, but with a few things in mind. That’s all I can say about that day. That night we had to say good bye to prairielooner (this was before he officially changed his name to FrankFrank, hehe) and it was so powerful to see how this whole experience moved him. I could tell he really felt what he was saying. It was honest.
The next morning Noelie and I left Anaheim and headed back north to LA. We had some time to kill so Noelie suggested we head to the ocean. We ended up heading to Manhattan Beach because Noelie bought some body fragrances from Hollister and we wanted to see if the smell really captured that beach. We went there for more than that, but it’s funny to see how something so simple can influence you. There was a wonderful connection between all of it. The walk on the beach gave each of us time to reflect on our JUB meet and what we were going to take away from it all. We finally got back to the car after a little tour of the houses and headed to the Airport. I sort of withdrew from Noelie at that point because I was afraid of the goodbye. I’m not good at them. I knew I was going to crash after I dropped him off so I withdrew. I should have been more open. I remember driving Noelie up to the terminal and feeling those feelings, but I suppressed them. We said our goodbyes, but I could fell there was something left unsaid. I remember dropping him off and driving around aimlessly. I eventually ended up at the same hotel where I started my journey The Montebello Inn. I clearly remember my energy draining as I went through the motions of booking my room. I remember hitting the bed and then hitting rock bottom. I broke down. I didn’t leave the room the next day. I couldn’t. After that time of reflection I knew I had to get back on the pony and ride it out. I started to explore the city a bit and put myself out there. I ended up in West Hollywood, how ironic. I meet an amazing man there from Australia named Mike. Over the next two days I toured the city with him and his mates and had a good time. I just felt like something else was missing though.
I packed my bags loaded my rental car and headed to San Francisco. The drive there was beautiful. The landscapes were stunning (I’ll try and post some pictures in my gallery). I loved crossing the Bay Bridge into San Francisco it felt right. I didn’t have any hotel booked yet so I drove around aimlessly once again, until I found one. It was at The Bestwestern, where I stayed for the rest of my journey. It was nothing fancy, but it was nice. That night I drank myself into confidence and headed out. I don’t know what I was really after that night. I guess I was looking for sex, but it didn’t end up that way. I ended up going back to the hotel room alone. I think people could see how desperate I was. I’m glad I went home alone. It taught me something very important.
The next day was bright and shinny. To damn bright and shinny, I had a bit of a hang over. Over the next few days I toured the city and took in the sights. I went to the Science centre, the de Long museum, The Parks, the Golden Gate Bridge, and Fisherman’s Wharf; I saw many other things as well. It was cool to see what defined San Francisco from the rest of the world. The rest of my stay there was perfect.
The last day of my journey was about travel. I woke up early and put all my stuff together in and interesting way. Usually I would have put all my dirty clothes in one suitcase and the clean ones in the other, but I didn’t have the room. And at that point I didn’t care. I learned that I didn’t have to be so picky. I finished packing. I put all my stuff in my car and headed back to LA for my flight home. I remember driving down stretches of the Pacific Coast Highway and smelling the ocean air, really smelling the ocean air. I allowed myself to experience it without any bars. I could see myself slowly getting out of a self contained prison.
I finally got back to LA, returned my car and did the whole airport routine. Got my flight to Charlotte and then transferred to my final flight Toronto. The final flight home was two hours long. I couldn’t wait to finally be home. I remember the final descend. I looked out the window and was so happy to be coming home. It happened - I final realized that I took the trip of my life. I couldn’t help myself, I couldn’t control myself, I started to cry on the plane in front of everyone. I couldn’t stop. I really tried. Here I was out in the open crying and I couldn’t stop myself. It felt real though. I was my real self. Exposed raw and naked and I didn’t care. I remember thinking this is the real me and if you want to judge me for it go ahead. I’m going to be me and that’s all that matters. I’m going to be out and open. I’m going to be honest with myself.
Thank you for taking that journey with me.
Jay
I came out to California to run away from my problems. Before my trip, I wasn't really able to look into the mirror. I knew I was looking at a shadow of my reflection. So, I booked a ticket to California to go to a JUB meet, relax and do some much needed soul searching. When everyone asked why I was going, I lied and told them I was just coming out here to vacation and get some sun.
I landed on Wednesday, Oct 1 got my rental car and headed out in search of my hotel; my home away from home. Funny thing was I didn't end up finding my hotel until the last hour of the night. I was trying to hard to find my hotel. I was just about to give up and find another hotel when I stumbled onto it. I thanked god.
That night I unpacked and went to bed physically exhausted. I awoke the next day and was excited because a fellow Jubber was meeting me that day - Noelie. I picked him up from LAX and we naturally got comfortable with each other. That night we headed to a bar. The funny thing was that Noelie didn't know it was a gay bar until we were about 10 minutes away from it, my poor sweet Noelie. You all should have seen that man that night. I couldn't believe how alive he was and how amazed he was to be in that environment. It was raw and honest. Needless to say the go-go boys took a lot of our money
.The next day we relaxed until we had to go to LAX to pick up our travel buddy Alley. We picked him up and headed south to Anaheim. To Disneyland - the place where dreams really do come true
. We got to Anaheim and started the process of getting our hotel rooms situated. It turned out that I ended up switching hotels and staying with Noelie: The man who shaped my life in many ways. I didn't think that would happen. That day I remember thinking something big was going to happen, I just didn't know what. We got our room situated and then had a few glasses of wine then headed to the bowling alley to meet up with the rest of the gang. We meet up with the guys at the alley and had a blast! After the bowling alley and a few drinks/many drinks
, some of the guys came back to our hotel room; I’ll leave the rest up to your imagination. It was so amazing to see all the guys that night interacting with one another in an open and honest manner. Needless to say Saturday morning came way too early. That morning we got ready and headed to Gay Days at Disney! That day was magic. That day was beyond real words. It was something that had to be felt.After the park ended we all separated and went back to our hotels to get ready for the big dinner meet at Tortilla Jo's that Stacy organized. Let me tell you – fun was had by all! It was truly beautiful to see the guys all interacting/flirting/shameless flirting with one another. I thank Stacy for this opportunity.
After the dinner we all tried to follow Stacy and Lycon to Stacy’s car to get the JUB shirts. Damn, I didn’t know those girls could move so fast! We eventually caught up to them got the shirts and decided to keep the good times rolling by planning an impromptu brunch at Millie's Restaurant on Harbor Blvd. After that we headed back to our hotel with a few of the guys to relax. We really relaxed. We got to see one another on a real level without judgement. It was really beautiful. That night was when it happened. I was alone with Noelie in our room just feeling the after glow of the day and something happened. I’m not even sure how it started? Noelie managed to take down my defences. He saw something in me that I have never allowed anyone else to see. He saw my inner child. He saw who I really was. He didn’t judge me either. He let me be me and that’s how I slowly began to see that everything was going to be alright. He told me to start off by taking baby steps. And that’s what I’ve tried to do since. It was good to see that place inside myself. If you haven’t been there yet, I strongly suggest you look into it. There’s a real surprise waiting for you there
! That night I slept with Noelie. Not with him, but in the bed with him you cheeky buggers. I awoke the next morning and started on those baby steps Noelie was taking about. I knew I would fall down every once in awhile, but I knew I would be forgiven. The next day we went shopping, eating, swimming, drinking, you name it we did it. It was a whole bunch of things that hit the spot. That night we had some drinks in DA and Nine’s room. I once again went back into hiding. Not so far back this time, but still back. I just wasn’t truly able to come out yet. I had to take those baby steps again. I knew that once I took them this time it would be the last time I started off in that place.
Like all things, even good things have to come to an end. This time something different happened, just as that good time ended a new one began to grow and they over lapped each other in an interesting way. I really began to see that everything is connected. If you look open enough you will see that too. I truly believe that. I Embraced it.
Sorry, about that, but I need to come back down for a second to tell the rest of my story, haha. After that night in DA and Nine’s room I sensed something. I wasn’t sure what it was, but something in me started to grow. Shortly after that we all said our goodbye’s and headed back to our rooms. The next day was about shopping aimlessly, but with a few things in mind. That’s all I can say about that day. That night we had to say good bye to prairielooner (this was before he officially changed his name to FrankFrank, hehe) and it was so powerful to see how this whole experience moved him. I could tell he really felt what he was saying. It was honest.
The next morning Noelie and I left Anaheim and headed back north to LA. We had some time to kill so Noelie suggested we head to the ocean. We ended up heading to Manhattan Beach because Noelie bought some body fragrances from Hollister and we wanted to see if the smell really captured that beach. We went there for more than that, but it’s funny to see how something so simple can influence you. There was a wonderful connection between all of it. The walk on the beach gave each of us time to reflect on our JUB meet and what we were going to take away from it all. We finally got back to the car after a little tour of the houses and headed to the Airport. I sort of withdrew from Noelie at that point because I was afraid of the goodbye. I’m not good at them. I knew I was going to crash after I dropped him off so I withdrew. I should have been more open. I remember driving Noelie up to the terminal and feeling those feelings, but I suppressed them. We said our goodbyes, but I could fell there was something left unsaid. I remember dropping him off and driving around aimlessly. I eventually ended up at the same hotel where I started my journey The Montebello Inn. I clearly remember my energy draining as I went through the motions of booking my room. I remember hitting the bed and then hitting rock bottom. I broke down. I didn’t leave the room the next day. I couldn’t. After that time of reflection I knew I had to get back on the pony and ride it out. I started to explore the city a bit and put myself out there. I ended up in West Hollywood, how ironic. I meet an amazing man there from Australia named Mike. Over the next two days I toured the city with him and his mates and had a good time. I just felt like something else was missing though.
I packed my bags loaded my rental car and headed to San Francisco. The drive there was beautiful. The landscapes were stunning (I’ll try and post some pictures in my gallery). I loved crossing the Bay Bridge into San Francisco it felt right. I didn’t have any hotel booked yet so I drove around aimlessly once again, until I found one. It was at The Bestwestern, where I stayed for the rest of my journey. It was nothing fancy, but it was nice. That night I drank myself into confidence and headed out. I don’t know what I was really after that night. I guess I was looking for sex, but it didn’t end up that way. I ended up going back to the hotel room alone. I think people could see how desperate I was. I’m glad I went home alone. It taught me something very important.
The next day was bright and shinny. To damn bright and shinny, I had a bit of a hang over. Over the next few days I toured the city and took in the sights. I went to the Science centre, the de Long museum, The Parks, the Golden Gate Bridge, and Fisherman’s Wharf; I saw many other things as well. It was cool to see what defined San Francisco from the rest of the world. The rest of my stay there was perfect.
The last day of my journey was about travel. I woke up early and put all my stuff together in and interesting way. Usually I would have put all my dirty clothes in one suitcase and the clean ones in the other, but I didn’t have the room. And at that point I didn’t care. I learned that I didn’t have to be so picky. I finished packing. I put all my stuff in my car and headed back to LA for my flight home. I remember driving down stretches of the Pacific Coast Highway and smelling the ocean air, really smelling the ocean air. I allowed myself to experience it without any bars. I could see myself slowly getting out of a self contained prison.
I finally got back to LA, returned my car and did the whole airport routine. Got my flight to Charlotte and then transferred to my final flight Toronto. The final flight home was two hours long. I couldn’t wait to finally be home. I remember the final descend. I looked out the window and was so happy to be coming home. It happened - I final realized that I took the trip of my life. I couldn’t help myself, I couldn’t control myself, I started to cry on the plane in front of everyone. I couldn’t stop. I really tried. Here I was out in the open crying and I couldn’t stop myself. It felt real though. I was my real self. Exposed raw and naked and I didn’t care. I remember thinking this is the real me and if you want to judge me for it go ahead. I’m going to be me and that’s all that matters. I’m going to be out and open. I’m going to be honest with myself.
Thank you for taking that journey with me.
Jay
I'm really glad you were able to finally let yourself go and allow your feelings to freely flow without having to worry about anyone. Wish I could've gotten the chance to get to know ya a bit more, however.
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