My Date Rejected Me At First Glance: What to Do?

[yuty]

About a week ago, a boy from my college contacted me on IM to inform me that he had friended me on the college social networking site called Facebook. We messaged each other back and forth for about an hour, and he got around to saying he was gay. I looked at his Facebook profile (I already knew he was gay beforehand; he has a "gay eyes" and his musical interests include Christina Aguilera, Lindsey Lohan and Britney Spears.....) and he seemed like a genuine guy. He asked if we could hang out (i.e. date). I agreed and we decided to meet on Saturday evening to watch Pirates of Caribbean 2 since he had never seen it.

Before we continue, I need to mention that I was born with a physical deformity called microtia (which means "small ear"). It's when the ear never finished fully developing during pregnancy. My ears were essential half-baked when I got out of the oven. I've had numerous surgeries performed on them over the years and they have a "normal" shape (previously they looked like peanuts attached to my head) and from a large distance they appear normal. However, of course, from a person to person perspective they look different than a normal ear. In other words, I have "Star Trek" ears.

My own profile picture on Facebook had purposefully omitted my ears entirely due to my distaste for its appearances (which also created my phobia of having my picture taken), so he did not know I had microtia. When we first met, I could immediately tell he was both surprised and disgusted by them as I have seen the same uncomfortable reaction in so many other people. He instantly grew quiet and impersonal as if we were having a business meeting rather than a date. Disheartened but unwilling to give up, I attempted to be as friendly and outgoing as possible to make him open up. We played the movie on my TV and we sat together on the futon as I attempted numerous times to have a conversation with him. I asked what he liked to do for fun, how his finals were going and what he planned to for winter break. His answers were short and monosymbolic. He oftened made his face into a stone mask and he often avoided eye contact. For those who had watched PoC 2, it is a rather long movie; we sat there for an uncomfortable 2 and half hours as I desperately tried to make him open up to me. But he was an impenetrable oyster.

As soon as the movie ended, he sprang up and said that he was tired and he needed to get some sleep (it was only 8pm at night....). I offered to walk him back to his dorm but he hastily declined.

All in all, the date was abysmal failure.

Prior to date, I made myself as realistic about the date as possible. I followed Murphy's Law (anything bad that can happen, WILL happen). I tried to make myself as hard as possible so if was rejected, it would hurt less. That didn't help. I felt hurt and depressed afterwards.

But I'm not angry at him. To be honest, the guy was really handsome and smart and he was clearly out of my league...especially with my microtia. I personally think he was right to reject me. If I were him I would've rejected me too. He could do much better.

I'm in a bit of dilemma now though.

One part of me states that perhaps we were both just nervous and tired (it had been a busy week since finals are coming up) and that he was genuinely tired so he couldn't really commit much energy to the date. Perhaps I should ask him out again but this time in a setting that will enable us to get to know each other again.

The other part of me suggests that I just drop it, accept that he's completely out of his league to the point that I couldn't breathe there. The best I could possibly hope for is to be his friend. The other part of me also suggests that I attempt to set him up on a date with a better match than me; a person in his league in other words. After all he was kind enough to sit with me for three hours even though he didn't like me.

I don't really know what to do. Any suggestions?

 

[TaigaStar]

I think you should find somebody better and more deserving of being in your presence, Yuty. You're too cool to bother with losers.

 

[Lostlover]

Ouch, guy sounds like an asshole. But even if he wasn't into you, he could have been more cordial.

His loss. He opened up to you about his secret (being gay) and then the ditched you essentially because you were a little different.

His loss. Very shallow.

 

[JSB_01]

I personally think he was right to reject me.

He was in no way "right" to be so rude and impersonal. If he has a problem, then it's exactly that: his problem. If he wants to base everything off of looks, then I would just dump him, as a friend or as anything else. And if he's so "good looking" then he won't need your help finding a guy. Sorry if I sound so mean about this, but it sounds like you deserve better than some a-hole who doesn't even want to talk to someone just because he's physically unattracted to them. As far as looks go, it's all subjective. I honestly think that everyone is beautiful in their own way, and if someone can't see that, then it's their loss. So don't worry about him, go out there and find someone that's actually worth knowing.

 

[Boberle1150]

Wow, I feel for you man. Now, I am no expert, but my personal opinion would be to try again, maybe even just step right out there and ask him if anything is wrong. He may have just been very very nervous. It happens. I personally have met with several guys and I get really nervous, sweaty pits and all. I sit on the other side of the room, hardly talk, and leave when I feel awkward. So I say go for it again, I think he was just nervous. Hope this helps, later.

 

[J-23]

I think you should call him out on it. Even if he was surprised by your ears, the least he could have done would be to treat you like a human being and hold a conversation with you. He acted shamefully (in my opinion), so you should make him feel ashamed. Next time you talk to him, tell him how he made you feel.

 

[Theyoungman]

When people decide to go with you when they might not like you, they sometimes do it to be nice and not rude, but they keep their distance...

You should try to see if he would go out with you again... If he reject for some weird reason, then you're better off without him.

This is normal for someone to react like he did, as it happends a lot, but it also happens for different reasons, too.

Do NOT try to get him to meet one of your friends because if he isn't comfortable with you, he might not like that idea...

I don't know how to really help you on this, but I suggest you don't try to hide your looks. You are better than that...

His loss

 

[GL]

But I'm not angry at him. To be honest, the guy was really handsome and smart and he was clearly out of my league...especially with my microtia. I personally think he was right to reject me. If I were him I would've rejected me too. He could do much better.

You should be angry with him. And regardless of how handsome and smart he may appear to be, it is painfully obvious that he is a massive tool and he is clearly out of your league. You went out of your way to be a good host and to make him comfortable. Regardless of the circumstances, he failed to be an adequate guest. I say you just leave the jerk alone and move on.

 

[Orlandude]

Yuty, do not patronize his rudeness. Regardless of your physical circumstance, it was extremely rude of him, not to mention ill-mannered, not to have the common dignity of a conversation with you. The only thing that throws me a little is that he stayed there for 2.5 hours. I would not introduce him to your friends. I might call him (if you have his number) or e-mail him... one more time. If you get the cold shoulder again, forget him and move on. You deserve so much better.

 

[hotcbr]

Well, here's my 2 cents worth...initially, I was gonna say to forget him and press on with your life. BUT, I go to thinking a little more about it and tried to put myself in both your and his shoes. It's obvious that the guy was very uncomfortable but he should not have treated you like that regardless...but then, human nature being what it is, I think we have all been in similar situations. Secondly, from your post, it sounds like you've got some serious self-confidence issues because of your microtia. You've got to overcome that and help other people understand it so that it becomes a non-issue. It sounds like you two just sat there with an elephant in the room that neither of you would acknowledge. It may have helped to just start talking about it and relieve some of his anxiety. I think the wrong thing to do is to ignore it and hope nobody notices. This isn't to say that you should start every conversation off with, "oh by the way, have you ever heard of microtia?" BUT, I think a prospective date is entitled to know...again, more to alleviate any fear and anxiety. I think once it's out in the open, you'll be better able to judge what kind of person he is. Bottom line, I wouldn't be so quick to judge the guy and would give him another shot...as long as you open up a little to him about it. If he acts like an asshole after that...THEN you can forget him and go on to a better guy who deserves you. Good luck!

 

[puka-pride]

yeah he sounds like a douche...

but you shoudl have told him you had the ear thing if its something that bothers you as much as it seems to... even though he seems shallow to judge you for your ears.. which might not even be the case... you still kinda mislead him by hiding them in your pics... its the same as people using old pics of themselves in their profiles....

either way I wouldn't pursue him unless your just looking to be friends with him.. even then... it might not be a good idea

 

[Croynan]

You should be angry with him. And regardless of how handsome and smart he may appear to be, it is painfully obvious that he is a massive tool and he is clearly out of your league. You went out of your way to be a good host and to make him comfortable. Regardless of the circumstances, he failed to be an adequate guest. I say you just leave the jerk alone and move on.

Well said. I think however, for his benefit he needs to know that his bevaviours were truly hurtful and unpleasant to you. If you were e-mailing or what ever, i would send him a note letting him know how you feel the evening went and if you want include that you might have made him aware of the situation in advance. If he has all the looks you say he has, it probably will not make any difference to him as he has already found someone - himself. And as for friendship - i would find it hard that he would be willing and or able to achieve even that level in YOUR league.

eM.

 

[luminum]

To his defense, he probably just doesn't know how to handle people very well.

But we're not here to defend him, are we?

He had no right to treat you like that, especially since you tried so hard to keep things open. People with no etiqueete and depth aren't worth shit. I looked at some cases of microtia and honestly, I don't see what the big deal is, with or without recontructive surgery.

Screw him. You're better than that.

::hug::

 

[mattyboi_aus]

He seems like an ass, if he was uncomfortable or quite simply - didn't like the way you look, he should at least have the balls to tell you, or to try and get over it. You certantly did nothing to deserve the way you have been treated and you shouldnt say that he was 'right' to do that.

Like everyone else has pretty much said, you're better than that!

 

[Swellegant]

I echo what everyone has said, that the guy isn't worth getting upset over. I don't think I'd go as far as calling him an asshole, maybe he's just squeamish about deformities or disabilities, which is its own phobia. But someone who can't deal with something as minor as funny ears is not someone you need in your life.

However, I do think you need to get over your issue with your ears. As the great James St. James so memorably said, "If you have a hunchback, just throw a little glitter on it and go dancing." If I were you, I would be a little more up front about my ears so that people aren't taken by surprise. It's what I always do: put the deal-breakers right up front so that they can break the deal before I get involved. Nobody gets past the second email without knowing that I'm overweight, I'm going gray fast, and have teeth that can best be described as "English." These things aren't in my profile (or, rather, weren't when I had a personal ad profile), but I am all about disclosure prior to purchase.

 

[Soilwork]

Oh for fuck's sake people...

there are times where the spark just isn't there, and there are times where the chemistry just isn't going to be what you want it to be.

Yes, it may have been your ears.. it also might have been your cologne, your furniture or how tall you are.

If could have been your breath, the shirt you were wearing or the smell of what you had for dinner... hey, it could be any small thing that is a deal breaker to him.

I have deal breakers too.

if a guy's place isn't neat or smells wrong.. if a guy doesn't make eye contact or makes too much.. small things that won't make any sense to you, but make sense to him.

Either way.. it wasn't there for him, and you should just move on.

 

[justsimon]

I think you should find somebody better and more deserving of being in your presence, Yuty. You're too cool to bother with losers.

Yep...............

 

[J-23]

Oh for fuck's sake people...

there are times where the spark just isn't there, and there are times where the chemistry just isn't going to be what you want it to be.

Yes, it may have been your ears.. it also might have been your cologne, your furniture or how tall you are.

If could have been your breath, the shirt you were wearing or the smell of what you had for dinner... hey, it could be any small thing that is a deal breaker to him.

I have deal breakers too.

if a guy's place isn't neat or smells wrong.. if a guy doesn't make eye contact or makes too much.. small things that won't make any sense to you, but make sense to him.

Either way.. it wasn't there for him, and you should just move on.

That's still no excuse for the way he was treated. Even if you end up not being attracted to someone, you should still look them in the face and talk to them in complete sentences. The guy was a toolshed, regardless of the reasoning behind his actions.

 

[Soilwork]

Oh, I'm not defending him exactly, but i'm saying that he's not necessarily this evil person you're all making him out to be.

 

[Just_Believe18]

Aww, I'm sorry things didn't work out Yuty. If he wasn't interested in you, he could have still behaved normally and not treated you like a weirdo. If not a boyfriend, at least a friend. Well, its his loss not yours.