I'm going to give a two-part response.
I. You're not so alone as you think
___There are gay guys in rural Iowa; genetics and mutations don't chance because you live among the corn. The people around you have, as someone said, lots of secrets; the thing is that since you can't see those secrets, you feel alone.
___People in rural Iowa have gay relationships; they have incestuous relationships; they have adulterous relationships -- I'd give you good odds that if you were Iowa-omniscient, you'd discover that there's a serious number of guys doing sheep, even. Now look at that list, and think about it: You like other guys, which people call "gay". But you're not lusting after someone in your own family, you're not cheating on someone, and you're not doing animals. So, guess what? You're actually in the "normal" category!
II. Thinking as a Christian
___St. Paul writes, "Let a man examine himself". The rest of the verse isn't necessary at this point; the admonition is what's important. What does "examine himself" mean -- or, more to the point, examine
yourself? Well, it means take a good look; furthermore, it means take an
honest look. Now, it looks like you've done that pretty well; if I were your priest, and you came to me with that, I'd be impressed with the honesty in your statement: it doesn't look like you're hiding from yourself at all.
___That's where the future comes in: you aren't hiding from yourself now,
so don't start! That means stay honest, and staying honest requires something important: no self-condemnation. I know; not easy when your whole tradition says a man liking men is bad. Well, think on this: your tradition used to say that freedom of religion is bad, but in time the Holy Spirit got it through a pope's head that that idea was wrong -- so don't worry about your tradition; don't condemn yourself.
___Here's some reinforcements on your side: Paul writes in another place that there is no condemnation now, for those who are in Christ. You're a Catholic, which means you're baptized, and since you're old enough to be on JUB you probably go to the Eucharist. Those are two things God has done and does do for you, which means you're in Christ, which means there's no condemnation. And since there's no condemnation, you can look at yourself honestly, and not see someone who's bad.
___That runs up against something you said, though -- you said, "I refuse to be gay". Well, sorry; as others have pointed out, you don't have much choice: if that's the way your genes or hormones or whatever aimed you, that's where you're aimed, and the history of guys successfully defying that and being happy is something that would fit on a candy bar wrapper. "Refusing" to be gay may make you feel good in some ways, but I and others here can tell you from experience that it will slowly kill you.
__Let me look at it another way: ancient Church Fathers spoke of a human as being spirit, soul, and body. Your spirit is the core of you, the part where the real Cody resides, where your true health/wellness/peace/shalom lives. Your soul is your mind, habits, dreams (and daydreams), all the stuff that is you but can change from day to day. Your body -- well, that's pretty obvious. But here's the deal: if you screw with any of those, it screws with the others, and when your spirit gets screwed up, you can start to lose track of who you really are -- and that way lies incredible misery.
___Obviously your body thinks enjoying other guys' bodies would be fun. If you try to deny that, if you try to crush it and pretend it isn't so, that puts your mind at war with your body. In order to make it work, you have to lie to yourself, and at that point it starts choking your spirit. Your path for wholeness lies in regarding what your body wants, and without either praise or condemnation saying, "Yep, that's what it wants."
___But from your later posts it sounds like your mind is interested in guys, too, like having a boyfriend even. That, also, you have to just look at -- examine yourself -- and say, "Yep, that's what I'm like." You accept it -- that doesn't mean approval, and it definitely doesn't mean condemnation, it just means acknowledging that "This is who I am" as being as much a fact as there are more stalks of corn in Iowa than there are people in the U.S.: not good, not bad, just is.
___Okay, not a cure, huh? But for peace in/with yourself, that's the path. And next time to go to the Sacrament, remember those of us here who are Catholic (or Orthodox, Episcopalian, Lutheran) and know that you're not alone there: as the Church Fathers taught, there's only one altar, and when we're there, we're there with all our fellows who gather at that altar.
Peace, and strength, bro!
