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My friend outed me to EVERYONE!

briefboy86

briefboy86

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Hey guys, ive been looking around this site for awhile, and i now have an issue and hoping you could help me out.
Well, Ive been out for about 2 months, I came out to my mum first then to my bestfriend. Well just the other night we were on our way to a concert, and had some time to kill,and i wanted to stop at the guitar store we used to work at, and i wanted to stop in a see everybody since its been awhile since i saw everbody there, and he didnt want to stop.. so later on that nite we were talking on the way to the concert, and i was like "dude, why didnt you wanna go in to the store?" he then proceded to tell me that when he was in there he told a few people and that few people turned into 20.. and i dont have a issue with those guys knowing because ive know them all for about 4 years so i had a feeling when I felt it was time to come out they woudl be pretty cool about it.

Well tonight i decied to stop in and see what the deal was. Well like i thought everybody was cool with it and i got alot of "Congrats" for finally being able to accept myself after of being in for 9 years of denying that i was gay
. So i guess what i want to know is how you guys would feel if one of your friends outed you to more of your friends and what you would say to your best guy friend who you know is the only person you can confide in..
 
This happens sometimes. To some people, this information is just too rich not to pass along. Ugh.

First, there's an old saying about if you don't want everyone to know something, don't tell anyone about it. I think that's extreme, but you get the point.

Second, thankfully, it doesn't seem to be a big deal in terms of negative consequences. For that, you can be thankful.

Third, it could be that he figured if you were coming out (to him as well as your mother) that this is where you were in the process and that it was going to be "common knowledge" sooner or later, so it wasn't a big deal.

Fourth, unless you told him that you specifically did not want him to tell anyone he may have, again, felt you were OK with it. If you DID tell him not to tell anyone else, and he did anyway, then he violated a sacred trust among best friends and I doubt he's your friend at all, let alone your best friend.

However, if that stipulation was not clear, then you chalk it up to knowing to communicate your expectations more clearly in the future.

All in all, I'm glad things are turning out alright anyway! (*8*)
 
I asked my friends to spread the words if it came out...i was ready to be out but didnt want to have to sit down and tell everyone
 
Eagle653 said:
This happens sometimes. To some people, this information is just too rich not to pass along. Ugh.

First, there's an old saying about if you don't want everyone to know something, don't tell anyone about it. I think that's extreme, but you get the point.

Second, thankfully, it doesn't seem to be a big deal in terms of negative consequences. For that, you can be thankful.

Third, it could be that he figured if you were coming out (to him as well as your mother) that this is where you were in the process and that it was going to be "common knowledge" sooner or later, so it wasn't a big deal.

Fourth, unless you told him that you specifically did not want him to tell anyone he may have, again, felt you were OK with it. If you DID tell him not to tell anyone else, and he did anyway, then he violated a sacred trust among best friends and I doubt he's your friend at all, let alone your best friend.

However, if that stipulation was not clear, then you chalk it up to knowing to communicate your expectations more clearly in the future.

All in all, I'm glad things are turning out alright anyway! (*8*)
Click to expand...

I really appricate the fast response. Like i know its gonna be common knowledge one day. I never said dont say anything" but i figured that he would understand that, like a unspoken trust. Like he tells me his issues and sex issues with his GF and i dont say a WORD about their stuff cuz its no ones real business, it just really kinda shocked me.
I was telling my BF about it and he couldnt believe that he would do that. i mean i feel like he took something away from me cuz there are a few guys there that im still really close with and they know who they are, and i really just wish i could have told them.... but again like my life theres one thing ill never have a chance to do again.. :(
 
A little presumptive of your friend to run his mouth like that.

But you don't have anything really to hide, so it's just as well that it's out in the open and you can be who you are.

I'd think twice about telling any more secrets to your bestfriend, though. He's a Gossip Gurl.
 
I don't care what anybody says about it being all right. It's your prerogative as to whom you want or don't want to know about your sexuality. It's not somebody else's right. KaraBulut is right, your friend is a "Gossip Gurl" and I'd be careful in the future as to what I tell him.
 
If you never said "don't tell people" then I'd give him a pass on this one but talk to him about it
 
I would definately tell him it bothered you, and you dont expect it to happen again. But at least everything was positive.
 
briefboy86 said:
Hey guys, ive been looking around this site for awhile, and i now have an issue and hoping you could help me out.
Well, Ive been out for about 2 months, I came out to my mum first then to my bestfriend. Well just the other night we were on our way to a concert, and had some time to kill,and i wanted to stop at the guitar store we used to work at, and i wanted to stop in a see everybody since its been awhile since i saw everbody there, and he didnt want to stop.. so later on that nite we were talking on the way to the concert, and i was like "dude, why didnt you wanna go in to the store?" he then proceded to tell me that when he was in there he told a few people and that few people turned into 20.. and i dont have a issue with those guys knowing because ive know them all for about 4 years so i had a feeling when I felt it was time to come out they woudl be pretty cool about it.

Well tonight i decied to stop in and see what the deal was. Well like i thought everybody was cool with it and i got alot of "Congrats" for finally being able to accept myself after of being in for 9 years of denying that i was gay
. So i guess what i want to know is how you guys would feel if one of your friends outed you to more of your friends and what you would say to your best guy friend who you know is the only person you can confide in..
Click to expand...


On the first bit of highlighted message, there seems to be some important info left out. You asked him why he didn't want to stop in there. His response was that he decided to out you to former co-workers. Was this done out of spite because you went ahead and stopped? Or was there some other reason, such as his being forced to explain why the two of you were hanging out together?

Now on to the second highlighted portion. How can you confide in somebody who shares your personal secrets with up to 20 people in the process of a few minutes?Sure, you may think highly of him, but apparently he doesn't reciprocate the sentiment! I would definitely think twice before sharing any personal info with him. Granted, the situation appears to have worked out, and maybe many of the former co-workers had an idea (you mentioned having known them for 4 years) that you were gay, but the point is, that was your secret to share, not his. A person's sexuality is personal, and since it can still lead to harrassment even in the 21st century, shouldn't be blabbed aout by another.

Maybe I'm reading too much into this, but based on what you posted, I would say he's not being that good a friend to you. And his behavior could get you into serious trouble. Just be careful.
 
You should talk to your friend about this, if he did it without your permission...then he's no friend. Good luck with this.
 
Like i said, I feel like i have missed out alot in my life and i feel like this is just another moment that has been taken away from me, there are a few guys there who im real close with and its like the chance for me to be "hey tom i have something to tell you" is gone now, and its just really tuff to get over, that somebody who im there for nomatter what and feel hes there too just didnt have any idea how important it is to me, but i guess its my fault for not telling him, but again i thought it was a unspoken rule! but i guess he didnt see it like that.. i just dont know what to do.
I really dont think he did it out of spite, i just think liek a few of you said he likes to gossip, and oh i forgot to mention too that the other company i worked for as a insurance agent, there was a seminar and he gets a drunken mouth and decides to tell 34 of my fellow ex-agents too that im gay. At the bar hes like "hey dan i have something to tell you!!!! and youll never believe it!!" i just feel really backstabbed..
and what im really afraid of is somehow somebody who knows my dad and says so what do you think of your sons "Choice". so yeah i have alot on my mind about this..
please keep the replies comming.. i need as much help as possiable..
 
I'm sure you know something about him that no one else knows. Time to open up his little box of secrets!
 
Sit down face to face with this friend and make it known you are not ashamed but that you won't be confiding in him anymore, and point out how you have been a trustworthy friend for him without opening your trap.

Tell him that coming out is one of the most exciting/nerve-wracking moments in a gay person's life, and he took the significance of that away from you. He needs to feel guilty... and if you ever want to trust him again make him earn it.

And don't play his game and open your mouth and let out his secrets, no matter how temping it may be.
 
I've been there and done that with a former friend, and I don't consider him a friend anymore. Friends don't throw other friends under the bus by telling their business to everybody. My advice to you is lose him as a friend because he is obviously not one to you.

Oh yeah, for the record, guys tend to be just messy or gossip just a must if not more than women.
 
UPDATE: Well ive talked to him and told him how i felt. I told him that there were two people there that i would of really lked to of told and i feel that he took something away from me. I just told him straight up (pun intended) that i was upset with the fact that he thought he could use that for conversation. He then told me he didnt mean to hurt me and i just said it wasnt fair that he could take something so big away from me. He was worried that this incident was going to drive us appart as friends. I told him if it happened again i wouldnt beable to tell him anything again.
 
I would be PISSED. I'd feel betrayed too.. doesn't the asshole have any ability to not tell everyone in sight? One of my friends did that and I let her have it. I lost some trust in her and sometimes when I tell her something in my head I'm like "Ugh.. now everyone will know about it."
 
briefboy86 said:
UPDATE: Well ive talked to him and told him how i felt. I told him that there were two people there that i would of really lked to of told and i feel that he took something away from me. I just told him straight up (pun intended) that i was upset with the fact that he thought he could use that for conversation. He then told me he didnt mean to hurt me and i just said it wasnt fair that he could take something so big away from me. He was worried that this incident was going to drive us appart as friends. I told him if it happened again i wouldnt beable to tell him anything again.
Click to expand...

So, is he more concerned about losing your friendship (and any possible benifits that come with it) or about having hurt you? A true friend would be more concerned over the fact that he hurt you than he would be over his personal gain. If his focus is on what he's getting out of your friendship, I'd say drop him like the pile of shit he is.
 
My mother actually informed the rest of my family "for me".

I was a little annoyed/overwhelmed, but she had done it in her own way as an attempt to show me support and make it easier for me, so, I did get over it pretty quickly
 
I would have atalk with said friend and tell him to stay out of your bussiness. That you told him because you trusted him. Let him know you are disapointed that he broke the trust and was not cool.

Only you should have the choice of who/what/where/when to tell someone.

But I would not tell this friend any more info until he's earned your trust back..
 
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