Hello fellow Jubbers
After a very long time i think i will finally have the chance to be who i am but i’m still having my doubts. This will be my first post and it will be a very long one so bear with me.
My name is Olivier and i am 25 years old and live in Belgium (so excuse me for my English
).
I’ve come to JUB since i was 17 years but never joined the community, I think now i'm happy to do so. The last years i’ve been on here i only read things that other posted and replied and i enjoyed them very much especially the story section. There is one story there that gave me the strength to write this, watching Brad is the name of the story and written by gsdx. Thank you very much Neil. (i began reading it a week ago and it changed something in me).
I would like to tell you about my life because i need to do this for myself and this is a good beginning for me.
First I would like to talk about my past because that’s where the problems began.
I’ve had in my opinion a crappy childhood.
on the age of 13 my parents told me and my 3 brothers that they would divorce. I thought at the moment that this wouldn't change much about my life but until this day 12 years later I still feel the pain it brought me.
My 2 brothers and my twin brother did very well in those 12 years but only i had problems. Mind that my younger brother was 3 years old and didn’t remember anything at that time. My older brother was 17 at that moment and couldn’t care less. I was 13 and so was my twin brother.
after the divorce each went their own way but me and my twin brother we switched each week from home because it was the agreement. My older brother stayed with my father and my youngest brother with my mother.
First it went well but at that moment i already doubted my sexuality in a way but didn’t pay it much attention.
At school I followed an education in elderly caregiver (was a study to work in an elderly home or to go further in medicine). I began at the age of 15 and it would take 4 years to get my degree for it.
The first 2 years went well and had good results to make it in medicine. But the constant change between homes had an negative effect on me. When i was with my mother i woke every morning at 03:00 A.M. so I could get to school. (Why you would say?). It’s because my school was in the city where my dad lived and they lived 45 minutes away from each other and i couldn’t use the bus, so i would wake up with my stepfather because he began early at his job so he dropped us of at my fathers.
Both my parents married again with their partners but they made my life much worse. Evil stepmother and stepfather do exist. I’d like to tell you what they did to make my life worse but then this story would be 30 pages long so I won’t.
Because all of the misery i fell in a depression. It affected my school in my last year and a half. At school they knew the problem so i got a counselor who i would meet 2 times in the week. She was the only person i could thrust but never with my secrets (she even picked me up to go to school and dropped me off).
After a while she said that i needed a psychologist because she could not help me anymore. I went 5 years to that psychologist and told him everything that was on my mind except the one about my sexuality. He helped me a lot because before that I could never say no to anyone and I never showed how if felt.
I could not express my emotions and that pushed me to the breaking point, suicide.
I felt so bad I didn’t wanted to live anymore, I felt miserable at home and school and I isolated myself from the world so I lost all my friends. I had nothing anymore. I planned my suicide and even wrote a goodbye note to my mother. Even a note who would get all my belongings. But when the time came (my birthday was the day I would do it) i didn’t do it. I was sure that I wouldn’t want to be on this world anymore because the misery i felt about myself and on top of this my sexuality. I began to think on the day I would kill myself that I would not want my family to be in pain because i killed myself.
This was the first time i thought about this and it helped me for not committing suicide that day.
A week later I told my mother about it in a letter because I could not express my feelings to a person but only in written words. She came to me and began to cry. I’ve never seen here cry and that was the first time anyone saw me cry.
After that moment my mother was a different person, she drove me to my appointments with my psychologist and waited every time I was there. She was worried and would talk to me about my problems. She became a different mother.
Because of my depression I gave up on school (which I regret until this day), it was my only way to find peace for myself and get cured for my problem (i was 18 years now). I also quit my psychologist because i knew he couldn’t help me anymore and i would deal with it myself
Between the age of 18 and 24 I had 4 jobs. I never thought I could get a degree anymore so I began the search for a good job.
The first 2 jobs i did because they were jobs i didn’t need a degree for or anything. Those lasted 6 month each. My third job i combined with my fourth job. In the week i worked at a food market and began at the lowest. After 1 month I got another job for the weekend, salesman in a shop that sells games and movies. This job was perfect for me because i love videogames and movies.
When i was home in the five years of depression videogames where my escape of the misery i had, even now i play them to get away from al the shit i have.
After 1 month at the food market I got a promotion and 3 months later i was head of my own department, it was the best feeling i had ever had because I meant something now. I was proud of myself.
This was the place where I found my first love (I think).
A girl 3 years older than my began to work with me and that was the first time i ever felt something for a woman. She herself had problems and i was there to listen.
Her relationship with her previous boyfriend had ended and she was pregnant with him but she didn’t want the child so she went to an abortion clinic (i was shocked when she told me, that was also a clue that i better not get involved with people like her but love is a strange thing
).
After 3 months i asked her out and she said yes. Soon we were boyfriend and girlfriend and i never felt so good in my life, she was also the one who took my virginity (23 year old virgin
).
It was all new for me and everyone says that your first time is not what you think it will be but it exceeded my expectation. The first 6 month went great but then it began to crumble, the real her became visible and got me.
I can tell you many stories that happened in the period of 11 months that we were together but I will tell one that had the most influence on me.
She enjoyed to smoke a joint once in a while (i’m not a smoker) and asked me if I would come with her and a friend to Amsterdam to get some weed. She knew how I felt about it but I couldn’t say now (ring a bell?)
I went with her and we stopped at the coffee shop. I didn’t want to go in but her other friend insisted because it was dangerous to sit alone in a car at that location so i went with them. They did their business and we were on our way home again. Before we left they each made one to smoke and it went from good to worse. She couldn’t handle the stuff and almost passed out.
We stopped at a gas station and I carried her into the shop to go to the toilet (she couldn’t walk so I had to carry her in my arms). The shop owner was worried and asked me if she needed to call an ambulance, i said no and lied that she was drunk.
I carried her to the toilet and held her in my arms for 20 minutes while she was vomiting. I held her hair so she could do her thing and i used wet paper to keep her head and neck cool. After that i carried her out and the shop owner asked again if she needed to call an ambulance and i said no.
Then i carried her outside and put her in the car, this time i sat behind her and hold a plastic bag for 60 minutes under her mouth for when she needed to vomit again (true love?
).
We came home (I lived at my fathers at that moment for my work) and i changed her clothes so we could go to sleep. She apologized a hundred times for what she did but once I laid her in my bed she was K.O. I didn’t sleep all night because I was worried about her and i never took eyes of her.
This was one of many stories i have that changed my view over her. (maybe i'll tell the others another time)
After 2 years at the food market I got a job offering at my other job to work full time with them (we were 6 months together when this happened). 3 weeks later I quit my job at the food market and had one job now. At this job I had an other co-worker who fell for me but I didn’t know until recently (i was very surprised because I think i’m not good looking and here I am adored by two women).
This was my dream job but didn’t last long.
After 4 months (January 2015) the company went bankrupt and we all lost our jobs.
It hit me in the face and i lost my confidence in myself because this was my fourth job in 4 years.
After that my relation with my girlfriend went down under. I loved her very much and did everything for her, I even quit my gaming in that period just to use that time to spend with her (everyone thought i was stupid to do that and now i can see why but at that time i only thought about her).
So there i was my relation went down, we didn’t have sex anymore and i began to masturbate again because i didn’t get any action anymore with her. Again was the masturbation with gay porn and I could not understand why I did this, there was joy first but after i was done i felt shame (maybe I forgot to tell but every time I would masturbate myself between the age of 15 and 25 I would use gay porn but i think I couldn’t accept it that I was gay maybe).
The relation between me and my girlfriend ended march of 2014 because she cheated on me twice with another man.
After the first time she cheated I gave her a second chance a she blew it by screwing another guy.
I was heartbroken and I cried for hours. At this time my relation with my stepmother was getting better and she comforted me the following days.
She (my ex) became a part of my life, i lived my life for her to be happy and she had met all of my family and now she was gone. I was empty, alone again.
Until this day I can still feel the pain she has wrought me because my life was circled around her.
That was gone now and i needed to do something with my life again (no job and no love so back to zero for me).
That same month (march 2014) i began a course in multimedia sales (don’t now if you say it like this :S).
After 4months I finished it and got a certificate for it (my first certificate, i was so happy
).
I got a job with it but that lasted only for 2 months when i quit my job (the salary and work environment were not good).
Then 1 month later there was a big change in my life. I still lived at home but that changed.
My mother came to me and asked if i was interested to share an apartment with her and my younger brother because she had decided to end her marriage with my stepfather.
I went online and searched for apartments in the area were my brother went to school. The next day I found one online and it was magnificent, 3 bedrooms a garden etc,… for a profitable price.
The next week we had an appointment to go see the apartment.
Everything went fine and one week later we went to sign the deal but afterwards she had her doubts.
I was mad because we already had signed the contract and now she says that she is doubting.
The next couple of days i didn’t hear from her but i called 20 times. 2 days later she called and said she needed to talk to me and my twin brother.
We had the talk and she said she would like to work on her marriage and asked if the two of us would rent the apartment. We said yes.
Until this day ( a year in October 2015) i still live with my brother in that apartment.
The job hunt is not going well so i decided 4 months ago that i’m going to follow a proper education for a good job.
I’m almost at the end but bear with me for a couple more (sorry)
While I’m waiting to begin my school again I had the time to think about my life and all the crap i had in it (that’s why I’m writing this because i need closure for this chapter of my life).
What had my life offered: a divorce (parents), a depression for 5 years and counting, a suicide attempt, 5 failed jobs, a terrible relationship with cheating and my sexuality that i didn't understand.
You know the other girl that I mentioned that had a crush on me, she told it to me yesterday in person and it made me more confused than i’m already am.
I’m ready to begin a new life but i need to finish my old one.
I don’t know who i am anymore. To who am i attracted? I think i’m gay but my relationship with a girl felt good.
Sorry for the extreme long post but i needed this. I needed to tell my story so i can get it of me and start fresh.
Olivier ( call me Oli)
(P.S. there is much that i cut from this draft because i had to many situations i could sum up, maybe i'll tell them later but for now its OK).
After a very long time i think i will finally have the chance to be who i am but i’m still having my doubts. This will be my first post and it will be a very long one so bear with me.
My name is Olivier and i am 25 years old and live in Belgium (so excuse me for my English
).I’ve come to JUB since i was 17 years but never joined the community, I think now i'm happy to do so. The last years i’ve been on here i only read things that other posted and replied and i enjoyed them very much especially the story section. There is one story there that gave me the strength to write this, watching Brad is the name of the story and written by gsdx. Thank you very much Neil. (i began reading it a week ago and it changed something in me).
I would like to tell you about my life because i need to do this for myself and this is a good beginning for me.
First I would like to talk about my past because that’s where the problems began.
I’ve had in my opinion a crappy childhood.
on the age of 13 my parents told me and my 3 brothers that they would divorce. I thought at the moment that this wouldn't change much about my life but until this day 12 years later I still feel the pain it brought me.
My 2 brothers and my twin brother did very well in those 12 years but only i had problems. Mind that my younger brother was 3 years old and didn’t remember anything at that time. My older brother was 17 at that moment and couldn’t care less. I was 13 and so was my twin brother.
after the divorce each went their own way but me and my twin brother we switched each week from home because it was the agreement. My older brother stayed with my father and my youngest brother with my mother.
First it went well but at that moment i already doubted my sexuality in a way but didn’t pay it much attention.
At school I followed an education in elderly caregiver (was a study to work in an elderly home or to go further in medicine). I began at the age of 15 and it would take 4 years to get my degree for it.
The first 2 years went well and had good results to make it in medicine. But the constant change between homes had an negative effect on me. When i was with my mother i woke every morning at 03:00 A.M. so I could get to school. (Why you would say?). It’s because my school was in the city where my dad lived and they lived 45 minutes away from each other and i couldn’t use the bus, so i would wake up with my stepfather because he began early at his job so he dropped us of at my fathers.
Both my parents married again with their partners but they made my life much worse. Evil stepmother and stepfather do exist. I’d like to tell you what they did to make my life worse but then this story would be 30 pages long so I won’t.
Because all of the misery i fell in a depression. It affected my school in my last year and a half. At school they knew the problem so i got a counselor who i would meet 2 times in the week. She was the only person i could thrust but never with my secrets (she even picked me up to go to school and dropped me off).
After a while she said that i needed a psychologist because she could not help me anymore. I went 5 years to that psychologist and told him everything that was on my mind except the one about my sexuality. He helped me a lot because before that I could never say no to anyone and I never showed how if felt.
I could not express my emotions and that pushed me to the breaking point, suicide.
I felt so bad I didn’t wanted to live anymore, I felt miserable at home and school and I isolated myself from the world so I lost all my friends. I had nothing anymore. I planned my suicide and even wrote a goodbye note to my mother. Even a note who would get all my belongings. But when the time came (my birthday was the day I would do it) i didn’t do it. I was sure that I wouldn’t want to be on this world anymore because the misery i felt about myself and on top of this my sexuality. I began to think on the day I would kill myself that I would not want my family to be in pain because i killed myself.
This was the first time i thought about this and it helped me for not committing suicide that day.
A week later I told my mother about it in a letter because I could not express my feelings to a person but only in written words. She came to me and began to cry. I’ve never seen here cry and that was the first time anyone saw me cry.
After that moment my mother was a different person, she drove me to my appointments with my psychologist and waited every time I was there. She was worried and would talk to me about my problems. She became a different mother.
Because of my depression I gave up on school (which I regret until this day), it was my only way to find peace for myself and get cured for my problem (i was 18 years now). I also quit my psychologist because i knew he couldn’t help me anymore and i would deal with it myself
Between the age of 18 and 24 I had 4 jobs. I never thought I could get a degree anymore so I began the search for a good job.
The first 2 jobs i did because they were jobs i didn’t need a degree for or anything. Those lasted 6 month each. My third job i combined with my fourth job. In the week i worked at a food market and began at the lowest. After 1 month I got another job for the weekend, salesman in a shop that sells games and movies. This job was perfect for me because i love videogames and movies.
When i was home in the five years of depression videogames where my escape of the misery i had, even now i play them to get away from al the shit i have.
After 1 month at the food market I got a promotion and 3 months later i was head of my own department, it was the best feeling i had ever had because I meant something now. I was proud of myself.
This was the place where I found my first love (I think).
A girl 3 years older than my began to work with me and that was the first time i ever felt something for a woman. She herself had problems and i was there to listen.
Her relationship with her previous boyfriend had ended and she was pregnant with him but she didn’t want the child so she went to an abortion clinic (i was shocked when she told me, that was also a clue that i better not get involved with people like her but love is a strange thing
). After 3 months i asked her out and she said yes. Soon we were boyfriend and girlfriend and i never felt so good in my life, she was also the one who took my virginity (23 year old virgin
). It was all new for me and everyone says that your first time is not what you think it will be but it exceeded my expectation. The first 6 month went great but then it began to crumble, the real her became visible and got me.
I can tell you many stories that happened in the period of 11 months that we were together but I will tell one that had the most influence on me.
She enjoyed to smoke a joint once in a while (i’m not a smoker) and asked me if I would come with her and a friend to Amsterdam to get some weed. She knew how I felt about it but I couldn’t say now (ring a bell?
) I went with her and we stopped at the coffee shop. I didn’t want to go in but her other friend insisted because it was dangerous to sit alone in a car at that location so i went with them. They did their business and we were on our way home again. Before we left they each made one to smoke and it went from good to worse. She couldn’t handle the stuff and almost passed out.
We stopped at a gas station and I carried her into the shop to go to the toilet (she couldn’t walk so I had to carry her in my arms). The shop owner was worried and asked me if she needed to call an ambulance, i said no and lied that she was drunk.
I carried her to the toilet and held her in my arms for 20 minutes while she was vomiting. I held her hair so she could do her thing and i used wet paper to keep her head and neck cool. After that i carried her out and the shop owner asked again if she needed to call an ambulance and i said no.
Then i carried her outside and put her in the car, this time i sat behind her and hold a plastic bag for 60 minutes under her mouth for when she needed to vomit again (true love?
). We came home (I lived at my fathers at that moment for my work) and i changed her clothes so we could go to sleep. She apologized a hundred times for what she did but once I laid her in my bed she was K.O. I didn’t sleep all night because I was worried about her and i never took eyes of her.
This was one of many stories i have that changed my view over her. (maybe i'll tell the others another time)
After 2 years at the food market I got a job offering at my other job to work full time with them (we were 6 months together when this happened). 3 weeks later I quit my job at the food market and had one job now. At this job I had an other co-worker who fell for me but I didn’t know until recently (i was very surprised because I think i’m not good looking and here I am adored by two women).
This was my dream job but didn’t last long.
After 4 months (January 2015) the company went bankrupt and we all lost our jobs.
It hit me in the face and i lost my confidence in myself because this was my fourth job in 4 years.
After that my relation with my girlfriend went down under. I loved her very much and did everything for her, I even quit my gaming in that period just to use that time to spend with her (everyone thought i was stupid to do that and now i can see why but at that time i only thought about her
). So there i was my relation went down, we didn’t have sex anymore and i began to masturbate again because i didn’t get any action anymore with her. Again was the masturbation with gay porn and I could not understand why I did this, there was joy first but after i was done i felt shame (maybe I forgot to tell but every time I would masturbate myself between the age of 15 and 25 I would use gay porn but i think I couldn’t accept it that I was gay maybe).
The relation between me and my girlfriend ended march of 2014 because she cheated on me twice with another man.
After the first time she cheated I gave her a second chance a she blew it by screwing another guy.
I was heartbroken and I cried for hours. At this time my relation with my stepmother was getting better and she comforted me the following days.
She (my ex) became a part of my life, i lived my life for her to be happy and she had met all of my family and now she was gone. I was empty, alone again.
Until this day I can still feel the pain she has wrought me because my life was circled around her.
That was gone now and i needed to do something with my life again (no job and no love so back to zero for me).
That same month (march 2014) i began a course in multimedia sales (don’t now if you say it like this :S).
After 4months I finished it and got a certificate for it (my first certificate, i was so happy
).I got a job with it but that lasted only for 2 months when i quit my job (the salary and work environment were not good).
Then 1 month later there was a big change in my life. I still lived at home but that changed.
My mother came to me and asked if i was interested to share an apartment with her and my younger brother because she had decided to end her marriage with my stepfather.
I went online and searched for apartments in the area were my brother went to school. The next day I found one online and it was magnificent, 3 bedrooms a garden etc,… for a profitable price.
The next week we had an appointment to go see the apartment.
Everything went fine and one week later we went to sign the deal but afterwards she had her doubts.
I was mad because we already had signed the contract and now she says that she is doubting.
The next couple of days i didn’t hear from her but i called 20 times. 2 days later she called and said she needed to talk to me and my twin brother.
We had the talk and she said she would like to work on her marriage and asked if the two of us would rent the apartment. We said yes.
Until this day ( a year in October 2015) i still live with my brother in that apartment.
The job hunt is not going well so i decided 4 months ago that i’m going to follow a proper education for a good job.
I’m almost at the end but bear with me for a couple more (sorry
)While I’m waiting to begin my school again I had the time to think about my life and all the crap i had in it (that’s why I’m writing this because i need closure for this chapter of my life).
What had my life offered: a divorce (parents), a depression for 5 years and counting, a suicide attempt, 5 failed jobs, a terrible relationship with cheating and my sexuality that i didn't understand.
You know the other girl that I mentioned that had a crush on me, she told it to me yesterday in person and it made me more confused than i’m already am.
I’m ready to begin a new life but i need to finish my old one.
I don’t know who i am anymore. To who am i attracted? I think i’m gay but my relationship with a girl felt good.
Sorry for the extreme long post but i needed this. I needed to tell my story so i can get it of me and start fresh.
Olivier ( call me Oli
)(P.S. there is much that i cut from this draft because i had to many situations i could sum up, maybe i'll tell them later but for now its OK).
