Hello everyone,
i thought i would wait a week or so to give an update on the whole situation.
So i'll begin with what happened at lunch with my father and relatives.
i couldn't sleep that night because i was so nervous, do i want to tell my stepmother or keep it for myself longer.
that Sunday when i arrived with my brother i told her that i needed to talk to her in private about something, she said ok. First we had lunch with everyone and after that i went in my fathers garden with their dog (love him so much
). My stepmother followed me outside and we went to the back of the garden to talk. My nerves where so bad that i was talking with a stutter in my voice. She came to me and she hold me for a minute so i could feel comfortable.
After that i said it, i finally told someone. She asked why it took so long to tell it to someone and i answered her the truth. while we were talking i couldn't hold myself emotionally and shed a couple of tears. We talked for more than 30 minutes about the subject when my stepsister (bi) came to visit unannounced. She came to the garden because i made a sign at her to talk, i told it to her also.
After the conversation the rest of the family was curious about what we were talking about and we lied about it of course.
All in all i had a good afternoon with them but that evening was the worst i had in years.
I had the worst anxiety attack in my life that evening and couldn't get out of it, but someone helped me out.
I met him on this forum just after my first posts and we began to talk about my problems and about his.
The attack happened when i was chatting with him through skype and i was talking about how i felt. I couldn't deal with all my emotions and my body began to shiver. My vision was clouded, i was feeling sick i couldn't stop crying. He tried to calm me down through skype but it didn't work at first. I felt like i was going to faint any minute when he told me that i needed to take a shower to calm myself. I didn't want to do that but after a couple of minutes (and angry messages (it helped) ) i said i would do it. i took my clothes of and sat on the ground of my shower while water was pouring over me. I sat there for 10 maybe 15 min but my tears didn't stop.
After the shower i felt the worse was over and we talked about what happened that day. (took me an hour to get control over myself again).
Monday was a day of re-thinking everything that happened yesterday.
Tuesday finally came and it was my first official school day (god i feel old
)
Normally i'm pretty nervous when it comes to this kind of things but i wasn't. I had a fantastic day and didn't think about my problems at all (except at night).
Wednesday i had my second appointment with my psychologist. It took me 3 hours to get there but i needed it.
I talked about everything that happened that sunday. He was surprised that i told someone about my sexuality and cheered me for it. He also explained what happened to me that sunday. He said that i had so much emotions build up that my body couldn't handle them all at once (he told me my body saw it as danger and it protected itself).
I was talking very open about the subject of me maybe being gay but at this point i feel bisexual because i don't have any experience with a man until this day.
My psychologist also thinks that something happened to me in my past that blocked away my feelings for being gay (or bi). He wants to find out what the reason is why i couldn't (can't) accept myself.
Thursday i had my second day at school and like tuesday i went through without thinking about it. (only at night again
)
Friday i had no school so i went to my mother to help her (she had 2 surgeries, her foot and shoulder). I cleaned the whole house so she can rest and heal, had a chat and i went home after dinner.
My sister in law called and asked if i wanted to go shopping with her and my brother in the Netherlands the next day, oke i said.
Saturday i woke up and she called again and told that my mother would join us, this was my opportunity to tell her.
We went in 2 separate cars, me and my mother, my brother, sister in law and kids in the other car.
It was an 1 hour drive and after 10 minutes i had the courage to bring up the subject (she knew everything that happened to me, my depression etc,.. and she was the only one i talked about it). I told her that i had problems about this for a long time (13 years) and her reaction was the one i hoped for. In a way she knew years ago that i could have feelings for men but she didn't want to push me to say it, i needed to do this myself. We talked the entire trip about the subject and i felt relieved, I smiled to whole shopping trip (didn't tell my brother and sister in law, was too much and my brother is a homophoob).
Later that evening (i was alone again
) those good feelings were gone and i felt like crap again. I went to a gay-bi chat site (belgium) to talk to other people about it(not for anything sexual). i met 3 people that night and told them a little about myself and how i'm feeling now. All 3 just laughed and made fun of me, i was a loser in their eyes. I felt so hurt that evening that i cried most of the time. Why would random people be so mean to a stranger that wants to release his heart to someone. It pushed me back again.
Maybe its coincidence but everytime i'm with people now i feel much better but when i'm alone i just sink deeper and deeper,
But like every night HE made me feel better, he made me feel good about myself. (the person i met through jub)
last sunday (yesterday) i pushed myself to tell my little brother about it (he's 15 years old). We went walking with the dogs (2 huskies,
) and after 30 mins i talked about the subject with him. His reaction was astounding, he couldn't care less if i would take a man to see the family, all he wants is that i'm happy about it and i don't need to feel ashame (my mouth wide open, i was perplexed about his answer and how adult he sounded for a 15 year old kid). I slept much better for the first time in months after that night.
Today was my first class at business management (8h). So much information in one day
i need to let it sink for now but loved it.
After everything that happened the last week i feel a little better about myself (except the chatroom incident), i still have my ups and downs and its hard to make me comfortable around it.
I told people about how i feel but it didn't make any difference for me, i still feel like crap and thats not changing now. I can't function when i'm alone.
I also want to thank HIM for talking to me until this day, he cheers me up everyday and i feel happy when he sends something. without him at this point i wouldn't be here anymore to talk to you or anyone else, he made me take these steps.
(i hope he'll read this 
)
Like always thank you for reading through it
Oli
](/images/smilies/bang.gif "Brick wall ](*,)")
.
i can't take it anymore!
