My long story. A divorced guy with a son struggling to come out to himself at midlife

[NCDogGuy]

Another confused guy here. I've lurked on JUB for a couple of years now and I have finally decided it's time to post and get some of the great support and reinforcement for myself.

Sorry if I ramble - this is way too long. But this is hard to write. I need to get this out. Can't believe I'm posting this to a forum. I'm clearly long winded when upset.

Also, I don't mean to offend when I say below "I don't want to be gay" - I've read other threads on that topic and am ashamed for feeling the way I do.

I'm 44, divorced with an early teen boy. I didn't want the divorce. She had gastric bypass, radically lost weight, and started an affair and left me. I thought we would grow old together. They're now married. I was determined to remarry. But dating just hasn't worked as I expected. It's escalated to my now being very confused and yet feeling sure of the truth.

I have joint custody and will do nothing regarding my orientation that will jeapordize that. But my son will be out of high school in only 5 years. Then I can do what I want. I hope I am raising him that he will accept me afterwards, if I act on my gay feelings.

I recognize that I'm not 100% straight. I'm struggling to figure out and accept what I am. But I'm not straight. That's hard to write. But when most of the porn is guys, and I'm checking guys out at the pool, etc, I have to be honest with myself that I'm at least bi.

I grew up in a religious household; my dad was a protestant minister. My Dad would make jokes about gays and to this day won't watch TV shows that have gay themes. A few years ago I was watching "Whose line is it anyway" with him and he grimaced when one guy got a laugh line by planting a kiss on another guy. He said "I don't like all that man-man sex humor. That isn't right." Then he kind of shuddered. My mom has made subtly disapproving comments about her best friend's acceptance of a gay couple in her church. She (the friend) even will visit the guys when she is in their new hometown and has sent me photos of their woodworking projects (a hobby of mine.) My parents live in the same town as me - they retired to here.

My ex used to make comments about someone she thought and later confirmed was gay. And about a high school friend who turned out to be gay and made a move on her.

So I have lots of internalized messages about "gay = bad". And I'm convinced that if I conclude that I want to act on my gay interests (I said it!) that I would not be coming out to a supportive family. And I think doing so could complicate what has been a good joint-parenting/shared 50/50 custody arrangement. I won't risk doing that to my son.

So why do I think I'm not straight, and am bi or gay?

I didn't have any gay fantasies during marriage that I recall. But were the tendencies there? In retrospect, probably. (This is hard to write too.) I had what I think now were atypical sex preferences. I liked it best when we would masturbate each other (she did awesome HJs) and in the last part of the marriage I loved giving her oral. (No - she refused to reciprocate, so I just fantasize about getting a BJ). Intercourse? Not so exciting to me. Not bad. But not great. Her body image issues complicated things too. But while I still find women attractive, in the dating I've done, I've not had the "I'd like to roll in the hay with her!" reaction to any women. I've had the "she's really pretty. She'd make a good friend" reaction. But they all seem to be looking for husbands.

I realized a couple years ago (divorce was 5 year ago) that I do have that "I'd like to do something with them!" reaction to some guys. Crap. That was when I found JUB and started lurking.

I started watching porn as the marriage fell apart. Over time, my attention was more on the guys and less on the women. Now, when masturbating I fantasize about men about 90% of the time. And the porn is now also 90% gay, although I don't like watching guys do anal. But I get more excited watching guys than I do women. That is not straight. Duh!

I'm very shy - always have been. Sometimes I tell myself that I feel I'm gay becase that means I don't have to date women. But I've made myself go on dates because I don't really want to be alone forever. But I just never click with anyone. And the women my age seem so focused on getting serious quickly. You're a potential husband or a waste of their time. One even told me that.

But over the past few months I've started to accept that I often crave a close relationship with a man. (Hard to write!) The thought of being accepted by a man my age, and being able to hug him and be hugged by him makes me cry. Is that because I'm gay or because my Dad didn't hug me a lot and I'm just lonely? I don't want it to be the former but I think it is.

I was made fun of growing up, and my brother and sister called me gay starting when I hit puberty. They were mean about it and knew it upset me. Ditto with peer guys at school. So for high school and college I buried myself in studies (straight A's! No social life!) So maybe my gay tendencies were always there but buried deeply because of the bullying - buried so deeply I was unaware of them during a 13 year marriage?

I don't want to be gay and don't want the complications of it. I often tell myself that the pain of the divorce just has made me want to avoid romantic relationships. (My evil ex made me gay! Except I don't belive orientation works that way.) So I tell myself I just have some same-sex fantasies, like I think many men probably do if they were honest. So I'm not gay! It's all just an excuse to not date.

But I'm not sure I believe that. I was with my son at a water park a couple weeks ago, and I realized I was checking out the guys. A few women too. But mainly the guys. I'm accepting I even have a type that I'm physically attracted to. That's hard to write too.

So if anyone is still reading, here are the questions for the guys who came out in mid-life after being "married with children" - Did you know you were gay/bi during the marriage? If you're like me and the answer is "no", when and how did you realize you were gay? How did you confirm you were gay? Were you terrified yet inexorably drawn to the idea of an emotionally and physically intimate relationship with a guy? Did you have what for me are terrifying paralyzing fears of STD, esp. AIDS? How did you get past that?

I feel like I want to have a close relationship with a guy. But I don't want to string someone along as I get myself figured out. I don't feel I can be intimate with anyone without feeling close to, respected by, and accepted by them. So a random hookup doesn't appeal to me. But I wonder if that's actually the best way to explore this side of me. I got GrindR and Growler, but can't get myself to post a photo or click "Chat" - ditto for gay dot com. My fear is that if I'm not gay, I will hurt some guy's feelings and him feel like I used him. Becoming close friends, getting to the point of wanting to be intimate and then if I find "nope - not for me!" would be cruel. I don't know what to do. I'm so confused.

I've been telling myself to the mirror "I'm gay" and I can't keep eye contact with myself when I say it. Why do I feel ashamed? I don't agree with my parents. I think LGBT people are just people. They gripe about work, want to be loved, and try to get financial ends to meet. I shouldn't be ashamed. But I am. Crap again.

I mean - I could be happy in a straight relationship with the right woman. So why go through all this. But then why are my fantasies gay? Why do I check out guys first?

I don't think I know any gay guys to talk to about this, even though statistics say I probably do. I don't want to talk to co-workers even though I've worked with many of them for almost 15 years and they are my closest friends. Outside work, I have one reasonably good friend and while we have fun doing things periodically, he is a far right, anti-gay guy - (He thinks Bachmann is great! Let's say we don't talk politics.) So can't talk to him. I feel totally alone and messed up. But I'm determined to figure this out. So here I am on JUB posting for the first time.

I need to find someone to talk to. But I don't know how.

I've never voiced these feelings to anyone. But I'm tired of running all this over in my head endlessly. It is keeping me up at night. I feel like an ugly truth is welling up from inside me and nothing I can do can keep it contained. But calling the truth "ugly" goes against what I believe I believe. But I can't ignore the truth. I need to tell someone, even if it is telling unknown but kind strangers on the internet.

I admire all of you who say "I'm gay" or "I'm bi and with a guy" like it is no big deal. You live your life and enjoy being you with people who enjoy you being you. That's healthy. And that seems to me to be impossible to do.

But after writing and then editing this, my overwhelming thought is "But I don't want to be gay" followed by shame and anger for feeling that because of what it implies about my attitudes. I feel so messed up. I need to stop judging myself.

Sorry for the length. I promise to keep any replies shorter. I just needed to dump all the feelings out there.

This was draining to write. I'm going to curl up with my dogs now and try to not cry. Thanks for reading. I'm terrified of clicking "Submit thread"..... It makes this all more real if I put it in writing....

 

[JayQueer]

NCDogGuy,

Thanks for sharing your story on JUB.

I am in my twenties, but I feel like I am 'in your shoes' because I can relate to growing up in a religious household with "traditional values." I remember occasionally being called "gay" growing up, and actively trying to not appear "gay" to other people. I also remember burying myself in studies (I got straight A's too) to avoid social interaction.

If there is something I have learned from this site, is that all of us have our own challenges to face & stories to tell. Something that may be easy or not a big deal for one person, may be a very big challenge for another person.

The most important thing is to accept yourself as you are. For those of us from traditional, conservative backgrounds -- it's been drilled into our heads from youth, that being "gay" or "homosexual" is something that is sinful, dirty, disgusting, and associated with disease & death. Is it any surprise that most of us have difficulty saying "I am gay" in the mirror for the first time?

You may be straight, bisexual, or gay. From your story, you appear to be bisexual or gay. All of us here can speculate -- but only you truly know what your sexual orientation is. For some people coming out, they first identify as "bisexual" before finally coming out as "gay" because they believe it's more socially acceptable to admit that they still have some sexual attraction to women. In your case, however, you very well might be bisexual.

I will leave your specific questions about coming out after a heterosexual marriage for other guys here who may have more experience with that.

I'm unfortunately not too surprised about your parents' feelings towards gays, but I wouldn't worry too much about that right now, as it appears you aren't living in the same house as them, and I'm taking it that you are completely financially independent & stable.

As for your son, it appears that you're afraid that "coming out" might jeopardize your custody arrangement. Are you from North Carolina? I don't know what North Carolina's laws are. Even if you don't want to "come out" right now to your son & family members because of your fear of losing custody, it might be a good idea for you to look into what North Carolina's laws are on the issue -- just for your reference.

Regardless of when you "come out" to your son, hopefully if you & your ex-wife have raised him to be young man who is tolerant of others, you will have nothing to worry about.

It may be helpful to talk to someone else who is bi or gay. Do you live in or near a major city like Raleigh/Durham, Charlotte, or Wilmington? There may be an LGBT center nearby where you can speak with a confidential counselor, & social activities. If you're not ready for that, perhaps you can get in touch with your mom's best friend & get the phone number of the gay guys. Since you're all interested in woodworking, it would be a good chance for you to make a couple new friends and bond over a common interest.

Thanks for sharing & best of luck!

 

[Seasoned]

I was married to a woman for 14 years and in a ltr with my partner for 28. I have 2 children. I'm lucky that my children were young and didn't really have time to form opinions that hadvto be challenged. When my daughter got married last year, my partner, my ex-wife and I put on a fabulous wedding.

I feel for you insofar as you seem to be surrounded by people who feel it's their business to judge. There are a few things you can do to start finding support in a seemingly hostile environment.

Congratulations on making the move from lurker to member and welcome. Your mirror technique of looking at yourself and admitting who you are is a good one. Keep it up and before long you'll have a smile on your face when you say it. I admire your instinct for self-therapy.

I don't think it's healthy for you to put your life on hold for 5 years. I can't imagine that custody is still an issue affected by sexual orientation anywhere in the US, but it might be wise to seek a legal opinion before taking any action.

Isn't it ironically absurd that it's perfectly social acceptable for your wife to get thin and dump your ass, but yet it's not ok for you to be single and pursue partnership according to your orientation. Please work to counter the heterosexist bullshit we all deal with even if it means seeking therapy to discover the legitimacy of you.

Now as for your father, how old was he when he started pontificating as to the right and wrong of all things human? I bet it was before he was 44. My dad was 27 when I was born and yet when I was 27 I was still afraid of him and his opinion. Well, I work on that, telling myself that I had a right to adulthood and to my rightful place in society.

Somehow you need to figure out a way to view life so all the gun barrels aren't pointing at you. You have done nothing wrong. You have done no one a disservice. I am come to believe that being gay is a gift, not always a welcomed one, but a gift, nonetheless.

I a gay man, I have a perspective on life that the majority of people don't have. Life is short and I want to be a sponge soaking up as much life I can before I say good-bye. You'll notice my disclaimer on my signature line, but I say five years is too long to wait for anything. None of us knows if we'll be here tomorrow.

As for the mirror, if it's too much to look into you eyes and say, "I'm gay," you might try this for awhile: "I'm me and I belong here."

PM anytime you like. You're at the top of your own slide. You could stay up there until you die or you could push yourself forward for the ride of your life. I'm standing on the bottom of the slide along with countless others and we are encouraging you to begin your ride.

 

[Telstra]

quote:
"I was made fun of growing up, and my brother and sister called me gay starting when I hit puberty. They were mean about it and knew it upset me. Ditto with peer guys at school. So for high school and college I buried myself in studies (straight A's! No social life!) So maybe my gay tendencies were always there but buried deeply because of the bullying - buried so deeply I was unaware of them during a 13 year marriage? "


This is very telling. You are gay and your siblings knows it. Their instant were correct.
It is very hard to say "i am gay".
It might take many many years.

 

[NCDogGuy]

Thank you for the thoughtful replies. All of them, both public and private. Thank you.

I'll post my response publically in case it helps someone else in a similar situation.

I'm not worried about custody from a legal standpoint, but I need to check that just to be safe. The custody is not due to a judge's decree. We cooperated and did our divorce ourselves, only consulting lawyers, and both chose to stay amicable for our son's sake.

I read that one third of same-sex households have children under 18 in the metro area I'm in (the "Triangle" - Raleigh/Durham/Cary/CH). They claim that is the third highest rate in the US, behind San Antonio and Ft. Lauderdale. So a gay headed household with a minor isn't unusual. I need to remember that.

I'm more concered about my ex. If I decide to act on these feelings, and "come out", then I need to consider the chances she will become uncooperative. Today, we both can request schedule changes and the other is always accomodating. The coparenting is as low stress as I imagine is possible. So I worry about messing that up. But she has always been motivated to keep him emotionally healthy too (well, except for that little have an affair, abandon the family and flush the marriage thing). But to be fair, maybe I'm worrying too much about her reaction.

I also recognize that suppressing all this could leave me depressed and affect my parenting skills. In addition to being bad for me, that would be bad for him too, as he needs a father who is comfortable with himself. On reflection, saying I need to wait until he isn't living at home anymore is yet another way of communicating "gay = bad" to him, and more importantly, communicating it to myself. Maybe some gay parenting support groups in town would help with how to let an early teen boy find out his dad is gay. (Still hard to type that).

Maybe that is the step I should consider soon, in additon to seeing a gay friendly counselor. I could join a gay parenting support group in town. There must be some with that many gay families around. And, I might make some friends who could be supportive. More to think about.

I didn't realize how deeply the "gay is bad" concept has been drilled into me. Damn. I believed I was open minded.

You are right, Seasoned. 5 years is a damn long time. I was wrong in the original post; the divorce was 7 years ago. Wow. I'm still letting her decision to leave control my life. That's dumb when I think of it that way. I will have put 12 years of my life on hold because she didn't want to be married? That makes no sense.

Of course, us having stayed married if I really am gay and was in denial have made any more sense? If I am bi, then sure. But if I'm truly gay and was denying it, then that would also have been absurd. Perhaps, in the long run, she did me a favor? I need to contemplate that one. I'm not ready to think the hell of experiencing the divorce was a favor.

JayQueer - that is keen insight about my mom's friend! I had not thought about that at all! Perhaps she has been subtly communicating "I'm ok with however you are" all along. I can imagine her being one of the first people in my family circle that I would talk to. I consider her my aunt - I've known her since I was 10. She is clearly accepting of gays. Duh!

I will process this feedback and post later. I feel better than I did last night. Thank you all. I wish I had posted my ramblings sooner.

(OK - shorter than the first one. But still not short.)

 

[KaraBulut]

Welcome to JUB forums. Congrats on your first post.

If you were given the choice of two different lives- the one you have with a failed marriage versus another as an openly gay man, you would probably still choose the life you have because of your son. It is apparent that your priority is being a good father.

You don't need a same-sex lover. What you need now is a friend- preferably another gay father in the same situation as you. There are lots of them. And in the Bible Belt, there are lots and lots of them.

But you have other issues to deal with. Much of your post is about issues from your past that are impeding you from acceptance and moving forward with your life. And for that, you need a therapist who will help you deal with the past, to set it aside so that you can move forward.

The area where you live is one of the more liberal areas of North Carolina. You won't have any trouble finding a gay-friendly therapist. And you won't have any problem finding a support group and friends who will understand your situation.

 

[rareboy]

I have known two guys who realized they were gay and came out at the age of 40 and 45 respectively.

Each went on to find the great love of their life and to have the best sex they could have dreamt about.

It is possible to still find happiness and satisfaction.

But I also would recommend finding a good gay positive therapist who has helped other guys to ease into this frightening and exciting phase of their life.

 

[hollywooder18]

You don't need a same-sex lover. What you need now is a friend- preferably another gay father in the same situation as you. There are lots of them. And in the Bible Belt, there are lots and lots of them.

I'm not in the same position as you and some others are/have been in, so I won't try to pretend I am or anything like that, but I like this idea. Who would know the situation better than someone who has gone through it already? Obviously it will be hard to find somebody like that in person, especially because you're just coming to terms with things yourself, but if this oppurtunity did arise, I think it'd help you a lot. A friend who you can go to and who can help you through this is a necessity (in my eyes) simply because it makes things much easier.

It's a very good and productive thing by reaching out to JUB, you're definitely off to a good start by already doing things to try and come to terms with yourself, and now reaching out to others for advice. When you started talking about telling yourself in the mirror that you're gay, it reminded me of a time when I was fighting my sexuality because I could never look in the mirror and say "I'm gay", it was physically impossible for me.

I'm definitely going to keep a close eye on this thread not only because you're story interests me and I'd like to stay updated, but I'd like to provide as much help as possible

Oh, and welcome to JUB!

 

[mbamike]

Hello NCDogGuy!

I know exactly where you are coming from since I was in your shoes a few years ago. I was raised in North Carolina and in a Pentecostal Church. I am a few years older than you and faced my reality about three years ago when I decided to have my first gay sex experience. It was the best sex of my life!

You have tons of questions, I'm sure because I did. I read everything I could about being gay and having gay sex. I suggest you read Flexuality which has lots of information in it about sexual orientation. I am wishing you the best!

 

[volumee]

There are so many men out there in your shoes, so you're definitely not alone. In fact, many LGBT parents have it a lot worse. I remember watching the Tyra Banks show a couple years back where she interviewed a few people who experienced transitioning genders after coming out to their children.

I might add, there are many churches out there that are actually supportive of the gay community. I've seen many at pride parades where the churches hold banners to invite the LGBT community to their church. I've also seen churches hold banners at pro-gay events that apologize for other's religious views on the LGBT. Not many, but a few, at least in my city in Canada.

 

[NCDogGuy]

So much to respond to. Long post coming. So many great ideas and insights. This is amazing. Sharing has made me feel less alone. I feel so much better than I did 24 hours ago. And an offline communication stream with someone reading this but not posting here is proving very, very helpful too. Thank you all.

And I hope this exchange and my dumping my feelings out here on a forum is helping someone else going through this. It isn't fun being in this emotional place. When I decided to post, I also decided I would share my thought processes, as reading that in other threads has been so helpful the past year or two as I moved to this point on the edge of what Seasoned aptly termed "the slide."

Yes KaraBulut - being a father is my most important role in life and is a primary component of my identity. I do not feel my father was emotionally present with me. So doing what is best for my son to help teach him to be a competent and well adjusted adult is my #1 goal. (So, I respond to myself, how exactly can you do that if you are denying who you are. Um. Good point.)

And yes, again, the baggage holding me back and making me miserable is deep, going far back in my life.

I'm giving careful thought to finding a gay parenting group. That seems like the most direct route to finding a local person in a similar situation who I can directly relate to regarding my son.

And for clearing up these deep issues, the area's LGBT advocacy group has a web page of therapists who have pledged respect for patients on LGBT journeys, to help patients find their own way and not impose or suggest a particular viewpoint on them one way or another.

But I'm not sure how long it will take me to do those two steps. Going to a support group, and making an appointment to discuss this face to face with someone, with the goal for me to attain acceptance ... well, that is one giant leap to this being reality. Behind an anonymous screen name is one thing. Face to face? In town? Are you serious????? So, I start in telling myself: Maybe this is just a phase. Maybe it really is curiosity or something else that doesn't mean "gay" ----- yeah. Right. Still, the mere thought of making an appointment triggers a panic and a flight response in me. I think I need counseling to be able to go see the counselor!!

Part of me wants to stop all this, cancel my account, and forget moving forward. Because ... well.... I just do. What was I thinking posting those feelings on a forum. Was I out of my mind? But my gut says doing that would be a mistake. And, I feel an additional sliver of peace settle over my mind with each interaction on this thread. (You are ok. You are not alone. You are doing nothing wrong. You are not a bad person. These are natural and normal feelings for some people. Others have walked similar paths. You will be ok. Things will get better.) So my instinct is telling me this is real and I can either live a lie, probably alone, or I can accept myself and be happy. I sure wish it were easy to do, though. It's so hard.

rareboy - that post made me feel so much better! Thanks!

volumee - actually, my former church, which the ex got in the divorce and my son still goes to is one of them. It is the local Mennonite church. And the Unitarian Universalist hosts some meetings and has a reputation of being accepting of a lot. But I have a strong distrust of organized churches. So I don't know. But recognize it is a good and valid point.

I did the flexuality quiz two weeks ago after reading about it in another great thread, and have read most of his blog. It helped me get to this point of reaching out. I was surprised, and yet not, when it the result radar graph said I was mainly "ambisexual" with a clear "gay" component. And the other radar graph said I was very "restrained". Period. Nothing else showed up. So I started reading and got the sense that wasn't such a healthy place to be stuck at. Talk about cognitive dissonance. Living like that leads to depression.

Today I did a lot of introspection while on the treadmill at the gym. (I let myself go after the divorce. But now I'm down 35 pounds since November and feeling better every day!) I admitted to myself that the gay feelings have been going on as long as the straight feelings. I've just continually dismissed gay feelings as "curiosity" and such. I had chosen to forget, for instance, in grad school there was a Playgirl that was laying in the mail box room on a pile of mags, catalogs and such for students no longer in the housing. I took it "out of curiosity", took it to my room and examined it intently, and then threw it away in shame, appalled at my response to it. I was dating my now-ex at the time. "But that was just curiosity. The novelty was what was exciting." Riiighhht.

I remember going to a research conference with 5 other grad students (before I was dating my wife). We all shared a suite. One night 3 went upstairs to watch porn on the hotel channel, with one saying "Find something with flailing boobs! Find some big boobs!" and the others eagerly responding "yeah!!" I stayed downstairs with the married guy and read a book. Part of that was fear of doing something with guys and liking the guy component, and part was my overall prudishness about sexuality thanks to my upbringing. (Sex - don't do it unless you're married. You'll get someone pregnant, or get sick and die. And don't do it by yourself. That is disgusting!)

Even some memories from earlier. "Why can't I take the cooking elective" in middle school? "Well, if you do that, the other kids will call you gay. I know you aren't, but they will tease you." (hmm. So "gay" is bad.) I already had shyness issues and didn't fit in. Too geeky, to much a nerd. So, the horror to be called gay too! So I took shop class with the guy's guys. And I truly enjoyed it. And I learned to cook and bake at home, in private, lest I be labeled "gay" by anyone other than my mean siblings. (I remember a neighbor told me she told my ex when she announced the divorce - Are you crazy? He can COOK!)

My mom a few years ago on my birthday: "I wish those teachers from kindergarten could see you now. They were so worried that you were so sensitive and shy and quiet. While the other boys were playing tag or ball, you were happy to play by yourself or play in the sand with the girls. And you turned out fine!"

The recollections keep piling up. It is overwhelming. And it all leads me to one conclusion.

But I still don't like the conclusion. KaraBulut is right on that too - I think I will need to seek to pro help for attaining peaceful acceptance of how I feel. If I can get myself to.

I'm working hard to do things to distract me from the endless analysis, recollections, and self-talk going on in me. Play with my dogs. Enjoy the weather. Read a good book (scifi!) I feel I could become obsessive about this. That would be bad.

Thanks for all the thoughtful caring responses.
End of another absurdly long post. But I'm dumping here only a fraction of what is careening through my mind.

 

[Cedric]

Thanks for posting. Your story sounded so much like the story of a friend of mine that I thought you were him at first. It was a similar story with him. They were married for 15 years with 3 kids. Ex-wife had gotten gastric bypass, and he also lost a lot of weight (they were both medically obese, but only she got the surgery). After this life transformation, both of them decided that it was time to be honest with themselves and pursue their own happiness, so they got divorced.

My friend is out to his kids (the youngest is 8), and they are all mature enough to handle it. He and his ex-wife have joint custody. As far as I know, simply being gay isn't grounds for losing custody of children, so if you are worried about that, don't be. My friend also has a great therapist who he says saved his life when he was feeling, at one point, like he couldn't go on. He is now dating with the intention of finding a long-term partner. He says that life is still difficult for him emotionally, but at least now he has a clearer sense of what he wants out of life.

 

[volumee]

Spending alone time with yourself is good (I don't mean masturbation), it's how most of us discover our sexuality and come to terms with ourselves. From the sounds of it, it seems like you need to be more in control of your life instead of seeking for approval. Does that sound right? There's no rush. If you raised your kid to be open-minded then you have nothing to worry about. At least you're in control of your situation, and you aren't in denial. You'll make it to the end, don't worry.

I think what I learned is to not be so serious about our sexuality. It's not always black & white like most people say. Go look into the mirror again and scream "i'm bisexual" and have a chuckle at it. Maybe that will make you feel more confident, and better about yourself.

 

[bankside]

The best way to handle this kind of question is to realize it's really just a bunch of small questions, all of which (eventually) have answers.

First, if you're raising your son to be respectful of people no matter what their sexual orientation, it can't just be theoretical gay people on TV that benefit from the tolerance you teach.

• You need gay acquaintances. Not people from grinder looking for a hot time. Not men from a gay dating site looking for a relationship. Just gay people who are settled in their lives that you can be social acquaintances with.
• You need to meet a whole bunch of different gay people, so you can decide which ones might have the appropriate character to be invited over to your home some day for dinner, and which ones do not. Grindr is not a great place to find people to introduce to the family, and of course your first responsibility is to your son.

The point is, the first gay person your family members meet should not be your internet lover. Not that you were about to go down that road, but my point is you don't ever have to.

Second, you said you had a lot of baggage from the way your parents handled things when you were growing up. You didn't say whether you were still playing along with that or not. But I have to say this; I'm 8 years younger than you, but it wasn't that long ago that I was the teenaged son of a 40 year old who was still afraid of his parents' disapproval. I was old enough to think that was pathetic, and to pity my own father. Show your son a better example of self-determination than my father showed me. A man in his 40s should be living his life according to his own beliefs, convictions and standards, not his parents'.

Third, your dating life. Stop dating women who you don't connect with, who you don't click with, and who don't turn you on. But don't start dating a man unless you connect with him, click with him, and he turns you on. Which is where all those acquaintances come in. Just make a wide social circle for yourself of acquaintances. Some people will always be held at that distance. But before too long, some of those acquaintances will stand out as friends. And before too long maybe one guy will stand out as The One.

Fourth, custody and all that, which brings me back to my first point. I think you should join a gay parents group. It's a way to meet other responsible parents, and the kind of people who will be respectful of your situation because they have kids of their own. You can say "I'm here to meet other parents. I haven't made my own mind up about a lot of things, and if you don't mind I'm not really here to talk about myself just yet." Find out how other people do it . Open up to new acquaintances as you see fit, in a setting that's not focussed on the dating scene, but one that is supportive of your first responsibility to your son.

and that's my 2 cents.

EDIT:
i just read your 2nd and 3rd posts....lol it looks like you're one step ahead of me and on the right track...

 

[cliffdweller]

It's interesting to read your posts. Makes me think about the issues my dad is dealing with right now.

I'm a 32 year old gay guy. My dad is in his early 50s, and has drifted in & out of my life since he & my mother divorced when I was very, very young. When I came out at 17 or so, his reaction was chilly, but not hostile. He's always seemed very uncomfortable whenever the subject of my sexuality has come up.

Recently, my dad admitted to me that he's "been with guys." To say I was completely and utterly speechless is about as much of an understatement as you could imagine. We've talked about it more since then, and his experiences seem sort of along the lines of what you've described - especially the pushing of gay thoughts out of his mind and then forgetting about them, and becoming very detached from his sexuality in general. He's seeing a therapist, tho, which is helping him a lot, I think.

I don't really have any advice, except to say that if you're gay, you're gay...if you're not, you're not. Talking to a therapist or a support group won't make it any more true or false than it already is.

 

[NCDogGuy]

More great posts. Thanks.

I am seeking a counselor to help me. Last night I went to sleep feeling peaceful about it all, and woke up at 3 and stayed awake running it all through my head.

Today at work I felt weird. Like an imposter or actor playing a part. Nothing there had changed, but I feel different than I did when I left Friday. Sometimes I felt panicked - what if someone finds out I'm going through this? Othertimes worried about what might change if I come out at work. Will the guys still want me to join them at lunch? I am a realist - things can change without it being against policy.

So I'm getting help. I recognize that I am spending part of each day on the edge of depression. But thanks for the sage advice. I pretty sure I'm gay with a little bi in there. By the time the alarm went off, I'd concluded it's probably a 75/25 split in desire. Accepting the 75 is terrifying to me right now.

I intend to stop posting to this thread for a while, as I have a lot to process. But I will post periodically to it as I make my journey in the hopes it helps others going through this.

No one who goes through this angst, anquish, and misery of accepting themselves could possibly say orientation is a choice. Having the feelings and questionings go away is so appealing in the dark of night.

 

[hollywooder18]

It's good to hear you're going to looking into counseling for everything you're going through. I think that's what would be for the best and I think it will help you clear some things up until you're ready to take control of things yourself, and when that time comes I think it will be very refreshing and positive.

I wish you the best and will make sure to keep checking for your periodic updates. Good luck!

 

[AsianDream]

I noticed your post – because it’s similar to the story I’ve heard about their past from several older guys.

I’m not that sympathetic – if you think the silly religious ideas you were raised with and the views of your parents are more important than being true to your own nature – then you don’t really deserve to be happy.

Don’t waste time agonizing about how bad it is to be gay/bi – just get on and live your life – it’s the only one you’ll ever have – don’t leave it too long to start living it.

If you’re worried that your son will hate you for being gay/bi – just don’t tell him. Leading a double life isn’t too bad a hassle – I get on fine with my family – though totally not “out” and they’d disown me if they ever found out what I’m really like.

 

[chance1]

what a great thread - one of hope and discovery

which is not just for kids

having kids is an amazing thing

being gay is amazing

you can have it all

take it slow - no rush - i think the inclination is to rush - to catch up so to speak

great advice above and i love that it's all so positive

best wishes

 

[RhyRhy]

I'm 29 and I have had a lot of the same feelings, and things said about me. That's one of the reasons why I haven't been with a man in a long time. Scared of being labeled gay, getting hiv, parental, family, and some friends who aren't gay friendly, etc.

I wish you the best of luck and know you're not the only one out there having these feelings and thoughts.