My long story. A divorced guy with a son struggling to come out to himself at midlife

[RhyRhy]

I was accepted in the group and they are going to a movie tomorrow. I am too. This will be my first time talking to guys that I know are gay. I'm very nervous.

I feel nuts a lot of the time. Assuming I'm right about my orientation, I guess that is just me getting used to the new emotional landscape following the upheaval this past week.

For the first time in my life I'm having fun making smalltalk with cashiers, waiters, waitresses, coworkers, etc. It is very strange. But fun. Making people smile is empowering and makes me smile inside.

I have ups and downs. But I'm basically ok right now. As evidenced by a short post!

Good for you buddy! You're on the right track now, so keep it up! I wish I was 1/2 as brave as you are with the counseling and finding gay groups to join!

 

[rareboy]

Hope you had a great time hanging out at the movies.

 

[NCDogGuy]

Well, I went to the movie get together from meetup. It was nice. Didn't particularly care for the movie, but I had planned on seeing it today anyway, so no loss there.

I couldn't find the group so I sat by myself. Afterwards, I hung out in the lobby and checked my email and saw there was a notice saying the coordinator would be wearing a certain shirt. Looked up and he was about 5 feet from me. So I went over and introduced myself. Some others who couldn'd find him at first also came up, and 4 of us went for a light dinner afterwards.

It was nice. Just talking about anything and everything. A period of "so what's your story" as two of us were new. They seemed surprised that I had sought out the group this soon, and that I've realized these things so late in life. I was 2nd oldest there I think. One asked, "So what is the next step for you." and I said "This. Just getting to know some gay guys so I can realize that we are all just normal people, so I am too and my realizations of my orientation don't change that." They seemed to find that funny, but in an accepting way.

I was very much like having lunch with the guys at work.

Overall a good experience. The next set of events centers around a Gay film festival, but going to that is not my thing. I've read enough to know it would be way to much info too fast.

I've slept well two nights now.

Now back to the gym. I'm determined to do cardio every day. Four days a week it is intense cardio, and 3 days a week it is light cardio.

I love amusement parks and am considering going to Kings Dominon's Gay Night, but wonder if that would be too much too soon. Anyone familiar with it?

Calm seas for me right now. I know storms will brew up. But I'll take smooth sailing for as long as it lasts.

Thanks for all the support guys!

 

[KaraBulut]

Now back to the gym. I'm determined to do cardio every day. Four days a week it is intense cardio, and 3 days a week it is light cardio.

It's official. You're gay. Allow 2-3 weeks for your membership card to arrive in the mail.

Calm seas for me right now. I know storms will brew up. But I'll take smooth sailing for as long as it lasts.

Like all things, there will be good days and bad days. So far though, it sounds like you're off to a good start.

Congrats.

 

[NCDogGuy]

Thought I'd post a quick update for those who were following my story. As I keep saying, I hope my posting my ups and downs helps someone in a similar situation feel less alone.

Things are pretty good right now.

- I'm going to Gay Night at Kings Dominon amusement park. I got a place to stay and am looking forward to it. If it turns out to not be my thing, or I feel overwhelmed, I'll just leave.

- I'm trying to get up the nerve to propose a meetup to the meetup group that is something I like -- hiking with my dog. My counselor told me that I'd do it when I was ready, and to follow my schedule, not anyone else's.

- I'm sleeping better. I still sometimes wake up and have all the "What the hell am I doing!" thoughts invade, but I am working on choosing to not focus on them.

- The gym continues to go well. I hired a personal trainer. The first meeting was yesterday. Today I have muscles hurting that I didn't know existed. He is super. He swears that if I follow his instructions, the rest of my belly fat will be gone in a few months. I keep losing inches. I started in November with 44" pants being tight, and today 36" pants have just a little space. 34"s here I come! I'm determined. I decided, "Damn it, you're worth the cost and you'll feel so much better."

- I'm focusing on just accepting that I'm primarily gay. I'm leaving my category here as "bi" because that is the literal truth - I can emotionally bond with anyone. But, I want to find a guy my age that I can share life with. The mirror trick (Telling my reflection I'm gay) is working.

- I still have crazy moments, but they are less severe (no panic attacks at work!) and less frequent.

- I really feel that my emotional foundation quaked and rearranged itself when I had my little crisis when I originally posted. The new me is more confident and less shy.

- Connecting with guys here off-line via email has been helpful beyond belief. I feel like I have an "e-friendship" with two in particular.

- Despite an incredible desire to "hook-up" because I want to experience things, I'm not doing that. I need to get my emotional house in order first. For me, sex is not separate from emotional involvement. Just the way I'm wired.

I know hard times will still occur, but I'm feeling up about being true to my feelings. I like guys. Thankfully, so do a lot of other guys. It will work out, and it is getting better.

 

[HunterM]

^ Awesome news! Life is work in progress.

 

[rareboy]

Ah this is so good to hear.

I remember when I was about 28 and my ex boss took me out to dinner and told me that he was gay and had left his wifeand was going through almost everything you are describing here.

He not only made it through, he fell passionately in love with his soulmate.

Don't be afraid of the downs...or the ups.

Enjoy living life as you were meant to. And I hope that you have the same kind of abiding love and friendship for your ex as my friend did for his.

 

[Yves Grey]

Hi, NCDogGuy!

I'd say "Welcome to JUB!" BUT... I'm hardly a fixture around here. Aw, what the hell! WELCOME TO JUB!! (Is there a kazoo emoticon? And why do we hug when we greet online, but shake hands in person?) My heart really goes out to you. It's always a beautiful scene to be blessed to observe, to watch someone awaken to himself in the world--spoken only with love and adoration, from someone admittedly, and clumsily, still midstream said process.

I'm so glad that you're finding your way. You seem like you're on a super-fast-track. It kind of makes me cross-eyed keeping up, but I KNOW it works for some people! You're very determined, ambitious, grounded, and goal-oriented--I admire and respect that.

I'm also glad that you've found a good therapist. I don't know that it's necessarily for everyone, but I always think it's a GREAT venue to explore, ESPECIALLY if you nab a good one. I've been seeing a psychiatrist on and off for about a decade now. She has been crucial to my overcoming several personal crises in a way that has allowed me to grow through them--as opposed to finding myself crippled and twitching by the wayside. [Insert vivid mental image: here.] Definitely recommend it to anyone considering it. Many, it has been my experience, are humanitarians or philanthropists at heart.

I'm glad to see that joining groups has been such a positive experience for you. I've been flirting with the idea of joining groups, because most of my friends are straight. (Two bisexual friends--one male, one female--who are in monogamous, physical heterosexual relationships comprise the complement of the "most.") They're all very accepting, respectful, and supportive, but there's still that vague feeling of being alien. I know it's in my head--but that doesn't make it any less real!

To clarify, or explain my "bisexual" designation à gauche, I guess I could say I consider myself 90/10, gay-weighted. 90% just seems like a pretty good reason to invest in that part of me. (As if it were that simple!)

I don't know if these thoughts are of use to you, but I'm glad that you're feeling better. I cannot say that gay is right or wrong, for you or anyone else--that's not for me to decide. But I will say that I know a handful of gay men around your age who still suppress their homosexuality. I've only seen it lead to isolation and depression, so I say in all confidence that you're doing the right thing. (But I bet your gut, which you're loosing, and the recent feelings of relief already "told" you that. )

If we disconnect here, I pray that you will have found your way and your own happiness. Or, I guess as nerds / geeks, as you self-proclaim, might say--and I think it's quite a beautiful well-wish--"Live long and prosper!"

 

[RhyRhy]

I can't get the smilies to work so here's me giving you a round of applause!

 

[glasvegas]

Is nice to see someone has walked out from his dark age towards the bright side. I am rooting for you NCDogGuy. You're a brave man.

 

[mpdan]

Congratulations! As a person who walked these boards at 44 with the same questions and concerns, I can now say at 49 how much JUB (and therapy) helped me! I can tell you that the most support I've had was from my then teenage - now college bound children.

While your posts will be a guiding light for guys in our age group you will find the twentysomethings to be absolutely aghast that one could find himself married (divorced) with children. And that's a good thing! It means ever so slowly in the 42 years since Stonewall we are entering into a realm of understanding and acceptance.

It's OK to be Gay

 

[mbamike]

I am glad things continue to go well for you! Keep up the good work! I am pulling for you to succeed!

 

[NCDogGuy]

Thanks for the good wishes. I don't feel so brave right now.

The roller coaster continues. I don't feel like posting the details. Bottom line, I had a great weekend and went on a dog-walk with a gay guy and we talked a lot. That was followed by a long night of dwelling on things. Endless fears and questions. How do older gay guys find each other - we're a minority? How does gay dating work anyway? I mean, is everything as hookup oriented as it seems? Are there many guys my age that really want a deep long term relationship? Are very many gays really monagomous? Will I be able to attract anyone? And on and on and on and on. It is maddening.

I guess the good thing is I've progressed from obsessing over "Am I gay? I don't want to be gay?" to now obsessing over "How does being gay work in practice? How does the social interactions work?" I just need to stop the damn obsessing. I'm sick of it.

I'll get through this valley and crest the next hill. But it is so damn hard. I'm not beating myself up about being gay anymore. I am, I know it, it is ok. It feels right. If I wasn't, I'd feel weird interacting one-on-one with gay guys. But I don't. But the implications for my life are pretty scary right now. So many new things and unknowns. I sometimes feel I'm too old to deal with all this. I feel like a young teenager in a 44yo body. Insecure. Unsure. Nervous. It's nuts. It's making me nuts.

I'll be ok. I have some supportive off-line conversations going.

Too bad it doesn't work so that one just reflects and meditates, makes a decision, and boom - problem over. This up/down/up/down, few steps forward/few back is tiring. And crazy.

It will feel better again. I have good support. I have a good counselor. I'm getting exercise. I'm doing everything I can. I wish it was easy. I'll keep posting because random guys keep PMing me saying "Thank you for describing what I'm going through or what I went through." So maybe some good is coming from my rambling posts. I'm rambling now. I'll stop.

mpdan - I think you are right.

 

[megustamyn]

Congratulations! You’ve taken some very difficult steps in a short period of time.

First, I’d like to mention that there is a great church in Raleigh with a special outreach to gay people – St. John’s Metropolitan Community Church, http://www.stjohnsmcc.org/CityOnaHill/. I happen to know the 3 clergy people who work there and they are wonderful people. If you need to talk to someone about sexuality and spirituality, they would be a great resource.

You’ve received some great advice on this forum and there isn’t much I can add other than to share from my own experiences.

My husband and I have been together for 13 years. I was 49 and he was 40 when we met. We both have adult children and are now raising 2 grandchildren because my eldest daughter passed away last year.

He had been divorced less than 2 years when he moved in with me. His ex-wife had custody of their 2 children who were 13 and 9 at the time. The first time they were scheduled to visit, their mother changed her mind at the last minute. She said they would not be visiting as long as he was living with me. That was very hard for him, but it only lasted that one time. She realized that the kids loved their dad and wanted to see him, so she decided not to stand in the way of their happiness.

Over the years, she grew to accept me as the spouse and, although we are not exactly friends, I have been to her house several times. I was included in the celebrations for the kid’s graduations. An important factor has been that I’ve always loved the children and we have contributed financially beyond the requirements, not only to help with the children’s needs, but also when she was in financial difficulty (she never remarried).

Thirteen years later, I think of the kids as my own. We used to visit daughter frequently was in college because it was only a 2-hour drive from us and her roommates thought we were pretty cool dads. Our son, who is now 27, had mixed feelings about us over the years. Three years ago, he came out to us after falling for a guy he met at work and he told us he finally understood why his father had to leave his mother.

My mother-in-law had difficulty accepting her son’s coming out at first, but I soon became part of the family. My father-in-law never had a problem with it. Last week we went to visit them for her birthday. My husband’s ex-wife called to wish her a happy birthday while we were there and I heard my mother-in-law casually mention that we were up there with our boys. We have come a long way!

I mention these things to say that there may be some rough patches but things usually work out in the long run. Your son is probably old enough to have made up his mind about you as a father and as a person and that is not likely to change.

 

[mpdan]

I'll get through this valley and crest the next hill. But it is so damn hard. I'm not beating myself up about being gay anymore. I am, I know it, it is ok. It feels right. If I wasn't, I'd feel weird interacting one-on-one with gay guys. But I don't. But the implications for my life are pretty scary right now. So many new things and unknowns. I sometimes feel I'm too old to deal with all this. I feel like a young teenager in a 44yo body. Insecure. Unsure. Nervous. It's nuts. It's making me nuts.
mpdan - I think you are right.

HeHe- Not laughing at you, please. But think of the poor straight guys out there. I know from experience that a forty something single straight woman will attack a single forty four year old guy like a cougar stalks its prey.

Young teenager? You're in gay adolescence! Google it and talk with your therapist. It's very real and yes it can happen at 20, 30 or 80. Think about it - If you live to be 88 you are only at the halfway mark of your sexuality!

If you click on my avatar and check my posts from when I was 44 (2005- 2006); you will see I asked the same questions, felt the same way. I was so anxious to be in a monogamous gay relationship that I left the corporate world and took a job in an all-male clothing optional Gay campground. (Kinda like running away and joining the circus!) I learned a lot- too much I think, so tread lightly my friend.

You're going to be OK. Now do something to make yourself laugh! Fly a kite, take a bath with the dog. All you are is another homosexual in the ranks hell bent to take over the world. And we will be here to listen.

 

[NCDogGuy]

I was so anxious to be in a monogamous gay relationship that I left the corporate world and took a job in an all-male clothing optional Gay campground.

I can honestly say doing that had not occurred to me!

I will research the gay adolescence concept and ask my counselor about it. It really is how I feel. I've been reading some "coming out" books at the bookstore and am realizing I'm pretty normal, I guess.

Thank you for the kind words. I'm doing pretty good right now. But this is mentally exhausting.

Went for a 2 mile bike ride with my son tonight. The last time I did a 2 mile ride was 25 years ago, in college. It was fun.

 

[NCDogGuy]

A divorced guy learning to live as a gay at midlife

Thought I'd post a quick update for those following my story. Overall, life's pretty good.

My primary focus is expanding my circle of gay friends, and I'm no longer constantly beating myself up about being gay or about taking until now to realize it. (I have my moments, usually at night, but it's better.)

I am gay. No question about it. Better to realize it now than never. I'm working on forgiving myself (that's not the right word, but works) for doing the best I could for the situation I grew up in and my perception of prejudicies and pressures. I didn't know then what I know now. So I got married and spent 14 years with a woman. I got an awesome son out it, and honestly, we had a lot of good times. The downside was that hiding my secret and my self loathing of that secret led to years of depression that eventually contributed to the marriage crumbling. And yes, while she did her part too, I need to I admit I did my part.

I'm concluding that I'm not really bi and I have changed my JUB moniker. I was hanging onto that because if I'm not bi, I fear it can let others (particularly my ex) devalue my commitment to my marriage to my wife. "He was gay. Thus, he never really loved her." But I know I was committed and would have made it work if I was given the chance. So screw anyone who says otherwise. I'm gay. I loved her. The label doesn't matter. Today, I am only interested in a gay relationship. So, I'm labeling myself gay.

I still have bouts (usually at 3AM) of "what the hell is going on" but they are becoming less frequent. A lot of the time, I'm the happiest I've ever been. Coworkers are commenting on it. One is convinced I'm seeing some woman. I suspect they are just going to figure it out.

And then the lows come. Lately it is my dealing with the feelings I get after doing social activities with gay guys. I really connected with one. It is overwhelming. But in an overall good way.

I can tell I won't stay closeted indefinitely. But for now it makes the most sense given my situation and emotional state. I'm eager to date, but I'm taking it slow on that front and just focusing on trying to make a few friends.

I'm thinking about ending this thread and starting a new one with a title that more accurately reflects my progress in my journey. I changed the title on this post. I don't know if that changes it everywhere.

I haven't been struggling to come out to myself for a while now. I think I'm past that phase. I have zero problems telling the guys I meet that I'm gay but was married. None seem to get it, as they all started accepting themselves in puberty. So the concept of marrying a woman is alien to them. But we're all different. That's ok.

My main issues are now meeting guys, not using the guy who is my first boyfriend, and handling my fears about HIV. Reading gay studies and gay psychology books are helping me. Books don't work for some. But that's how I work. Research an issue until I gain understanding.

I'm not stupid. The ups and downs will continue. But I feel good about where things are headed. My mother asked me why I seem so happy lately. I told her it is the weight loss.

And I owe a lot of it to all the awesome support from the guys here. Thank you.

 

[HunterM]

Awesome! It's great to hear you're doing well in finding your own happiness. Keep going!

 

[Telstra]

This thread is very educational.
Please don't end this thread.

The gays who were out since in their teens probably won't understand your issues much, so i don't think they are compatible with gays who are out late in life like you.

 

[NCDogGuy]

It's been a couple of weeks since i posted an update, so here goes.

Things continue to go well. Some ups and downs, but pretty stable overall. I continue to expand my circle of gay acquaintances, and I'm becoming good friends with one guy in particular. OK - I really like him, but I need to take things slowly. And I think I can get myself confused between a guy having feelings for me and just being a good friend. I'm finding many of us gay guys talk aboutfeelings more than straight guys do, and for someone like me, it makes the relationship seem closer than it really is.

I haven't come out to anyone except the gay guys I meet. But I can tell that I will not stay closeted indefinitely. I feel like I am being dishonest with myself, and the stress of worrying about being outed, or having someone figure it out is not something I want to live with for long. But for now it is necessary.

Hey guys that have accepted yourself since you were young: be understanding and accepting of those of us that have taken a longer time to acknowledge that we are gay. Just as you can't imagine how we lied to ourselves for so long and how we got married, we cant imagine how you didnt feel such pressures that you could accept yourself. I'm getting tired of gay guys looking at me like I am from another planet when I say I just came out to myself in this past year. Not all do, but it does happen a lot.

Next weekend I am going to gay and lesbian night at Kings Dominion amusement park. I can't wait.

I think I am now in the slow process of learning to live as a gay guy. The questioning and denial phases appear to be over. But time will tell.

As always, I hope my sharing helps some other guy in my situation feel less alone.