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My long story. A divorced guy with a son struggling to come out to himself at midlife
- Thread starter NCDogGuy
- Start date
Thanks Hunter, I will.
I do not want to give the impression everything is easy now. It is not. But it is so much better.
I have good support - a great counselor I talk to once, and on occasion twice, a week. These forums. And I'm corresponding directly with a few JUB members. One in particular is being extremely helpful with very personal issues that I don't necessarily want to post here.
I now read my initial posts in this thread and smile at myself. But I will never forget how scared I was, and how much I wanted to be wrong about being gay. I suspect that panicked feeling is normal when the truth breaks through for those of us who coped with family and social pressure by deeply suppressing and denying our feelings so long ago.
So while the ups and downs continue, I am basically optimistic. There are so many really nice gay guys out there. I will find my someone someday. And he and I will make a good, normal life with each other.
I do not want to give the impression everything is easy now. It is not. But it is so much better.
I have good support - a great counselor I talk to once, and on occasion twice, a week. These forums. And I'm corresponding directly with a few JUB members. One in particular is being extremely helpful with very personal issues that I don't necessarily want to post here.
I now read my initial posts in this thread and smile at myself. But I will never forget how scared I was, and how much I wanted to be wrong about being gay. I suspect that panicked feeling is normal when the truth breaks through for those of us who coped with family and social pressure by deeply suppressing and denying our feelings so long ago.
So while the ups and downs continue, I am basically optimistic. There are so many really nice gay guys out there. I will find my someone someday. And he and I will make a good, normal life with each other.
RhyRhy
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WOW! You seem to be doing really well. I've known I was gay since around 4th grade, had my first gay relationship sophomore year until I was 25. Came out to a couple people then went back in the closet, been there ever since, and I'm turning 30 in December. My main problems are being raised in a very rural area, farming, doing things like FFA and barn dances, etc. Right now I would like to meet some more gay people ( know less then 3 offline) but I'm so scared of being outed again, the next time I come out I want to be coming out, not being outed. I really want to have a long term monogamous relationship. I refuse to hook up. Shit I haven't had sex in 2 years, and that was with a woman. Another thing is that I have a pretty low sex drive. When in a relationship once every week or two or hell even once a month, I find sex boring most of the time. The whole "straight phase" was great for about 3 years but then that got boring. Who knows maybe I'm just not a sexual person but damn it I want someone to come home to me at night.
Depressed people have very low sex drive?
I'm living with a young (21) straight guy at the moment as a house mate.
His sex drive is near to zero.
RhyRhy
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Mood state doesn't change my sex drive, and I'm not on any anti-depressants. I guess I'd rather just do other things (cook, ride horses, go fishing, watch tv, go to a concert, float down a river....) and just take care of myself in 5 minutes. Yet on the flip side I'm tired of being alone
Low testosterone can happen at any age, and affect ones sex drive. Get it checked. And now Ladies and Gents, back to our thread at hand.....
RhyRhy
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Already tested for Low T and everything else a few months back when I got a new doctor. Everything was fine.
Sorry for temporarily taking over the thread
Hi guys,
I havent posted any updates for a while. So here is a short (ha!) summary for those who are following my story.
- fell for my first guy. Talked to him about it. I'm still waiting for his official response, but my sense is that he at least wants to be friends, which is fine. If I am right, at least I know to not keep hoping something will happen when it is in my head only. Time will tell. So...
- I keep going to gay meetup.com meetings. Meeting a lot of nice guys.I am very comfortable around them. Still like the one guy best, but I figure I need to keep making gay friends.
- I am bordering on being obsessed with when and how I will come out to close friends and some family. I think my moms best friend will be first, my mom second, and my ex wife third. I will never tell my dad.
-overall, I am the happiest I have ever been. But the stress and paranoia of being in the closet is crazy.
Thanks for the support. And for anyone reading this in a similar situation, you can get through it.being honest to yourself about about who you are and who you like is very liberating.
I havent posted any updates for a while. So here is a short (ha!) summary for those who are following my story.
- fell for my first guy. Talked to him about it. I'm still waiting for his official response, but my sense is that he at least wants to be friends, which is fine. If I am right, at least I know to not keep hoping something will happen when it is in my head only. Time will tell. So...
- I keep going to gay meetup.com meetings. Meeting a lot of nice guys.I am very comfortable around them. Still like the one guy best, but I figure I need to keep making gay friends.
- I am bordering on being obsessed with when and how I will come out to close friends and some family. I think my moms best friend will be first, my mom second, and my ex wife third. I will never tell my dad.
-overall, I am the happiest I have ever been. But the stress and paranoia of being in the closet is crazy.
Thanks for the support. And for anyone reading this in a similar situation, you can get through it.being honest to yourself about about who you are and who you like is very liberating.
- "I am bordering on being obsessed with when and how I will come out to close friends and some family. I think my moms best friend will be first, my mom second, and my ex wife third. I will never tell my dad."
How old is your son? Gossip spreads like wildfire, so please tread lightly and thoroughly think this through. Ask yourself a simple question: Who would be hurt the most if a third person told them I was gay?
I told my ex-wife first because she proved time and again that she was a champion for the children. Oh I'm sure she immediately called her sister in San Diego, but no-one close to the children. The next day came the children, which was remarkably easy. After that the rest fell like dominoes.
How you want to do it is entirely your decision, so take any advice with a grain of salt. I was so thankful to the JUB boys that I recorded my coming out process and my race against the gossip mongers in real time. Here it is- Oh should you read about a guy named CadillacJoe in the post remember this: He's dust in the wind. Nobody said life was going to be easy - gay relationships can hurt just as much as straight ones
http://www.justusboys.com/forum/showthread.php?t=135094
How old is your son? Gossip spreads like wildfire, so please tread lightly and thoroughly think this through. Ask yourself a simple question: Who would be hurt the most if a third person told them I was gay?
I told my ex-wife first because she proved time and again that she was a champion for the children. Oh I'm sure she immediately called her sister in San Diego, but no-one close to the children. The next day came the children, which was remarkably easy. After that the rest fell like dominoes.
How you want to do it is entirely your decision, so take any advice with a grain of salt. I was so thankful to the JUB boys that I recorded my coming out process and my race against the gossip mongers in real time. Here it is- Oh should you read about a guy named CadillacJoe in the post remember this: He's dust in the wind. Nobody said life was going to be easy - gay relationships can hurt just as much as straight ones
http://www.justusboys.com/forum/showthread.php?t=135094
Thanks.for.the thoughtful.reply. I wasn't clear.the telling ex = telling son. He is 13, and I.will discuss with his counselor before doing anything. He is.my primary concern. My main point was.I've entered.a phase.where.I want it all.out. but the thought is.scary too because of the unknowns.
Here's a better reply, now that I'm not on my phone browser cooling down on the treadmill! One of my long ones....
This highlights the crux of the phase I think I'm in. Inside my head, I'm gay. No doubt. Within a group of gay men, I'm gay. I go to game nights that the LGBT center sponsors. I go on hikes with gay guys. I have a blast at Gay Night at an amusement park.
In the rest of my life, nothing has changed. I'm the same at work, being told "I know this really nice woman. Would you be interested in a blind date?" I'm the same with buddies, being told, "With all that working out, the ladies must be starting to notice you!" I'm the same with family, where it is just assumed I have zero social life and my mom expresses surprise when I'm not home to answer the phone. "Where were you?" "I was out with friends" (I was at ... pick gay event.)
That disconnect is driving me nuts. Coming out would eliminate the disconnect.
But, coming out will bring its own set of issues, most of which I feel I can't even imagine. And it will bring benefits.
I've concluded little will change at work. Some will probably treat me differently, but I have a good professional reputation for the quality of my work, and my employer has very liberal LGBT policies that are enforced. Still, there will be as yet unknown repercussions.
I've concluded little will change in my social life, which mostly revolves around dogs and dog sports. I've met several lesbian couples at dog events. Everyone treats them just like everyone else from what I can tell. Still, there will be as yet unknown repercussions.
I've concluded little will change with my ex. This is the biggest risk area, but I suspect she suspects, and I don't honestly think she will want to change any custody arrangements unless I start parading guys through the house, which I won't do. Same rules apply as when I was trying to date women - son doesn't meet anyone unless the two of us are getting so serious we are talking long term. And, I think she will help in the next topic....
I don't know how it will affect my son. And to be honest, that is why I'm just obsessing in my head instead of acting. I don't want to confuse his adolescence any more than normal adolescence is already. I don't want him to change his feelings towards me. I don't think that will happen, but it would devastate me if it did. I will stay in the closet, or suppress my feelings if that is needed to keep him in my life. But I don't think it will come to that. So, I will seek guidance from the good childrens psychologist he has been seeing off and on since the divorce.
The unknowns and fears of the result of coming out keep me from doing it. But the internal disconnect and the reality that each time I go to a gay group event, there is a chance I will be seen are pushing me to come out.
Sometimes I feel like this has moved fast. But I'm realizing in counseling how long I have actually been facing things - for a few years at least. It all just came to a head in July, and now I'm processing the reality and acting on things. So it isn't as quick as it may seem. The divorce was almost 8 years ago. The gay porn started ... about 7 years ago, followed by years of "I'm just curious." "I'm just looking." etc. But I was slowly processing everything and unwrapping the secret buried deep within me during that whole time.
This highlights the crux of the phase I think I'm in. Inside my head, I'm gay. No doubt. Within a group of gay men, I'm gay. I go to game nights that the LGBT center sponsors. I go on hikes with gay guys. I have a blast at Gay Night at an amusement park.
In the rest of my life, nothing has changed. I'm the same at work, being told "I know this really nice woman. Would you be interested in a blind date?" I'm the same with buddies, being told, "With all that working out, the ladies must be starting to notice you!" I'm the same with family, where it is just assumed I have zero social life and my mom expresses surprise when I'm not home to answer the phone. "Where were you?" "I was out with friends" (I was at ... pick gay event.)
That disconnect is driving me nuts. Coming out would eliminate the disconnect.
But, coming out will bring its own set of issues, most of which I feel I can't even imagine. And it will bring benefits.
I've concluded little will change at work. Some will probably treat me differently, but I have a good professional reputation for the quality of my work, and my employer has very liberal LGBT policies that are enforced. Still, there will be as yet unknown repercussions.
I've concluded little will change in my social life, which mostly revolves around dogs and dog sports. I've met several lesbian couples at dog events. Everyone treats them just like everyone else from what I can tell. Still, there will be as yet unknown repercussions.
I've concluded little will change with my ex. This is the biggest risk area, but I suspect she suspects, and I don't honestly think she will want to change any custody arrangements unless I start parading guys through the house, which I won't do. Same rules apply as when I was trying to date women - son doesn't meet anyone unless the two of us are getting so serious we are talking long term. And, I think she will help in the next topic....
I don't know how it will affect my son. And to be honest, that is why I'm just obsessing in my head instead of acting. I don't want to confuse his adolescence any more than normal adolescence is already. I don't want him to change his feelings towards me. I don't think that will happen, but it would devastate me if it did. I will stay in the closet, or suppress my feelings if that is needed to keep him in my life. But I don't think it will come to that. So, I will seek guidance from the good childrens psychologist he has been seeing off and on since the divorce.
The unknowns and fears of the result of coming out keep me from doing it. But the internal disconnect and the reality that each time I go to a gay group event, there is a chance I will be seen are pushing me to come out.
Sometimes I feel like this has moved fast. But I'm realizing in counseling how long I have actually been facing things - for a few years at least. It all just came to a head in July, and now I'm processing the reality and acting on things. So it isn't as quick as it may seem. The divorce was almost 8 years ago. The gay porn started ... about 7 years ago, followed by years of "I'm just curious." "I'm just looking." etc. But I was slowly processing everything and unwrapping the secret buried deep within me during that whole time.
Absolutely - I just tend to think "big picture" -- what will it mean for my life in a year, or what ever.
I'm thinking of "coming out" to mean "no longer hiding that I'm gay." A few people, the ones I listed in my update yesterday (mom, mom's friend, ex, and of course my son) will get a dedicated talk. Everyone else will just find out as it makes sense. At least I think that is how it will go.
I generally like the "need to know" approach, but that is far away from hiding it from those I care about.
I'm just fed up with living in paranoia and fear that those I care about (yes, that includes my ex whom I no longer hate), and especially my son, will find out from someone else.
In another thread, which I can't find right now, the OP asked if feeling paranoid is normal when closeted. My conclusion is feeling paranoid defines being closeted. And it sucks.
But I won't do anything rash.
I'm thinking of "coming out" to mean "no longer hiding that I'm gay." A few people, the ones I listed in my update yesterday (mom, mom's friend, ex, and of course my son) will get a dedicated talk. Everyone else will just find out as it makes sense. At least I think that is how it will go.
I generally like the "need to know" approach, but that is far away from hiding it from those I care about.
I'm just fed up with living in paranoia and fear that those I care about (yes, that includes my ex whom I no longer hate), and especially my son, will find out from someone else.
In another thread, which I can't find right now, the OP asked if feeling paranoid is normal when closeted. My conclusion is feeling paranoid defines being closeted. And it sucks.
But I won't do anything rash.
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The main thing is that you are joyous about your path and the progress you have made. All that was accomplished by you processing thoughts and feelings. Get all the input you need from your and you son's psychologists, but my gut tells me that the older he gets the harder it will be and the possibility of anger towards you for keeping it from him. You certainly want to tell him before he falls in love with a conservative Christian.
As far as getting a strange reaction for having been marriage, I guess some guys can be smug. I have no doubt that gay guys will continue to marry women simply because coming out is not easy for all. The fact that every person comes out to themselves and by themselves first is reason enough to believe that there will always be some who don't want the gift of being gay.
Continued good luck and success to you. You've done a lot in a short amount of time.
As far as getting a strange reaction for having been marriage, I guess some guys can be smug. I have no doubt that gay guys will continue to marry women simply because coming out is not easy for all. The fact that every person comes out to themselves and by themselves first is reason enough to believe that there will always be some who don't want the gift of being gay.
Continued good luck and success to you. You've done a lot in a short amount of time.
OK, here is an update. It's long. Which means I'm not doing so well. And I'm kind of embarrased about that. My JUB friend that I correspond with off line is of immense help, so I don't feel totally alone. (I know you are reading this, "b". Thank you.) But it is hard right now. I'm pretty depressed.
Really, nothing has changed since post #72. Except I'm really down about all of it and having a hard time keeping my internal self-talk positive.
I've been formulating my plan for coming out. Talking about it with my counselor and the friend. And having panic attacks in the middle of the night, waking up in a cold sweat with my heart racing.
As I told my conselor yesterday, there's a sequence of conclusions that leave me feeling very trapped.
1. I'm gay. I know it. I feel like I'm ok with it.
2. I want to explore being gay. I want to date. Go to gay gatherings. etc.
3. Doing #2 means increasing risk of being outed and people in my straight life finding out. It also means continuing mental conflict as I live two lives.
4. If my son finds out from someone else, it could harm our relationship and hurt him.
5. 1 to 4 mean, I need to come out. And I need to do it soon, or I need to slow down on #2, or I need to accept the risk to my son. And I can't do that. So I must come out.
6. To come out, I first need to talk to my son's counselor. Find out the age appropriate way to do it.
7. Then I need to come out to my ex. Because she needs to know before my son starts asking her any questions.
And #7 scares me more than I can describe. I think she will be ok. But who knows? I'm not at risk of losing my son from a legal standpoint. But there are many ways to lose a child. Would she poison him against me? I don't think so, but then she's done a lot of things I never thought she would do. Would she become difficult in the coparenting, with arranging the swaps between houses (we split time 50/50)? Again, I don't think so, but.....
I know coming out will simplify some things in my life.
But to deny that there are very real risks, that can have a very real effect on my relationship with my son would be reckless and naive.
But my mental health requires I either stop acting on gay feelings, or come out. And stopping acting on who I am is not good for my mental health either. So I have to come out. But that means I am taking a risk with my relationship with my son. And when I say that in my counseling sessions, I start crying uncontrollably.
I'm starting to hate my counseling sessions. I just cry in them. I feel completely nuts.
This is hell. But if coming out goes poorly, real hell could descend.
So I do nothing. I've stopped going to gay get togethers. I'm not making the appointment to talk to his counselor. I'm just brooding and worrying. And that must stop.
I'm not asking for a solution. I know the solution. I must decide to take the risk, and deal with the consequences, or I need to stop doing gay things and deal with the consequences. And I recognize that for me, the second is not an option. So I need to take the risk.
I'm a very risk averse person.
So the counselor has told me to do nothing for a couple of weeks while she helps me work through my anxiety. And my JUB friend said the same thing. Wait a couple of weeks while I work through my anxiety.
Other news. Re. the guy I fell for. He has never responded. But he continues to suggest we get together to do stuff. Which is an indirect response indicating he just wants me as a friend. OK. I know where things stand now and can establish a boundary with my relationship with him. I've decided that I would rather have him as a friend who is off limits than not have him as a friend. So we get together periodically for dinner, or a movie, or a hike.
The good part of that is that I have realized how important it is to me that any guy I get involved with be capable and willing to have open and honest discussions of feelings and difficult issues. Dodging issues and not talking honestly is unacceptable to me.
I will be ok. Intellectually I understand this is all still part of my truly accepting I am gay and accepting everything that means. But emotionally, I feel like I was sailing along, doing great, and then drove off a cliff without realizing it and now I am in freefall.
I have to talk to my son's counselor and let him and his mom know what is going on so I can date and go to events without fear of discovery. To me that is being "out" - no fear of discovery. It isn't telling everyone in my life, or wearing a rainbow pin or bracelet, or anything like that. It is living life as a gay guy without the paranoia that I will be found out and my life crash around me. It is just living my life.
I just hope I can find the inner strength to do it an make good decisions as I go through the process. It is truly terrifying when I think of how it could go bad. And it is exciting when I think of how it could go well. People tell me to visualize how well it could go, and focus on that. But they aren't the ones who will have to live with the consequences if it goes poorly. I have one shot to do this right.
That's it. Long post. Thanks for reading. Hope this helps some other guy feel less crazy and abnormal.
Really, nothing has changed since post #72. Except I'm really down about all of it and having a hard time keeping my internal self-talk positive.
I've been formulating my plan for coming out. Talking about it with my counselor and the friend. And having panic attacks in the middle of the night, waking up in a cold sweat with my heart racing.
As I told my conselor yesterday, there's a sequence of conclusions that leave me feeling very trapped.
1. I'm gay. I know it. I feel like I'm ok with it.
2. I want to explore being gay. I want to date. Go to gay gatherings. etc.
3. Doing #2 means increasing risk of being outed and people in my straight life finding out. It also means continuing mental conflict as I live two lives.
4. If my son finds out from someone else, it could harm our relationship and hurt him.
5. 1 to 4 mean, I need to come out. And I need to do it soon, or I need to slow down on #2, or I need to accept the risk to my son. And I can't do that. So I must come out.
6. To come out, I first need to talk to my son's counselor. Find out the age appropriate way to do it.
7. Then I need to come out to my ex. Because she needs to know before my son starts asking her any questions.
And #7 scares me more than I can describe. I think she will be ok. But who knows? I'm not at risk of losing my son from a legal standpoint. But there are many ways to lose a child. Would she poison him against me? I don't think so, but then she's done a lot of things I never thought she would do. Would she become difficult in the coparenting, with arranging the swaps between houses (we split time 50/50)? Again, I don't think so, but.....
I know coming out will simplify some things in my life.
But to deny that there are very real risks, that can have a very real effect on my relationship with my son would be reckless and naive.
But my mental health requires I either stop acting on gay feelings, or come out. And stopping acting on who I am is not good for my mental health either. So I have to come out. But that means I am taking a risk with my relationship with my son. And when I say that in my counseling sessions, I start crying uncontrollably.
I'm starting to hate my counseling sessions. I just cry in them. I feel completely nuts.
This is hell. But if coming out goes poorly, real hell could descend.
So I do nothing. I've stopped going to gay get togethers. I'm not making the appointment to talk to his counselor. I'm just brooding and worrying. And that must stop.
I'm not asking for a solution. I know the solution. I must decide to take the risk, and deal with the consequences, or I need to stop doing gay things and deal with the consequences. And I recognize that for me, the second is not an option. So I need to take the risk.
I'm a very risk averse person.
So the counselor has told me to do nothing for a couple of weeks while she helps me work through my anxiety. And my JUB friend said the same thing. Wait a couple of weeks while I work through my anxiety.
Other news. Re. the guy I fell for. He has never responded. But he continues to suggest we get together to do stuff. Which is an indirect response indicating he just wants me as a friend. OK. I know where things stand now and can establish a boundary with my relationship with him. I've decided that I would rather have him as a friend who is off limits than not have him as a friend. So we get together periodically for dinner, or a movie, or a hike.
The good part of that is that I have realized how important it is to me that any guy I get involved with be capable and willing to have open and honest discussions of feelings and difficult issues. Dodging issues and not talking honestly is unacceptable to me.
I will be ok. Intellectually I understand this is all still part of my truly accepting I am gay and accepting everything that means. But emotionally, I feel like I was sailing along, doing great, and then drove off a cliff without realizing it and now I am in freefall.
I have to talk to my son's counselor and let him and his mom know what is going on so I can date and go to events without fear of discovery. To me that is being "out" - no fear of discovery. It isn't telling everyone in my life, or wearing a rainbow pin or bracelet, or anything like that. It is living life as a gay guy without the paranoia that I will be found out and my life crash around me. It is just living my life.
I just hope I can find the inner strength to do it an make good decisions as I go through the process. It is truly terrifying when I think of how it could go bad. And it is exciting when I think of how it could go well. People tell me to visualize how well it could go, and focus on that. But they aren't the ones who will have to live with the consequences if it goes poorly. I have one shot to do this right.
That's it. Long post. Thanks for reading. Hope this helps some other guy feel less crazy and abnormal.
Oh - I'm sticking with the exercise program with the personal trainer. It is hard, but is working. I've lost more weight and am now in 34" pants. My body fat percentage is down to 17% according to their machine. It was close to 30% when I started. My weight has dropped a little. I can even see some muscle forming and my son commented that my arms looked "poofy" in a t-shirt that was a little tight. He meant that he can see the distinction between my shoulder muscles, the biceps, and the other muscles.
Wow. The geek goes to the gym and is getting fit. Anything truly is possible.
Wow. The geek goes to the gym and is getting fit. Anything truly is possible.
E
elGeniuoso1721
Guest
This seems to be a rough patch but you can definitely get through it. The time to come out may be soon, but be sure to do it when you are completely most comfortable. In my experience, after long deliberation, it dawned on me that I was ready and it was time. And the positive response was overwhelming. Granted, every situation is different, but when you are ready, you will know, and it may not be as bad as you think.
"Anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, but only empties today of its strength."
Please keep us posted, you're not alone in this, your community supports you.
"Anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, but only empties today of its strength."
Please keep us posted, you're not alone in this, your community supports you.
cliffdweller
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It sounds like you're getting overwhelmed. I think coming out to your ex-wife & son is the thing to focus on first - and it sounds like talking to your son's counselor would be a good first step, as well as the least risky.
Focusing on dealing w/ your anxiety for right now does seem like the best thing, tho. Honestly, I wouldn't be too worried about dating right now. You've got a lot on your plate, emotionally speaking. I've enjoyed reading this thread, and it seems like you're still doing really well, fwiw.
Focusing on dealing w/ your anxiety for right now does seem like the best thing, tho. Honestly, I wouldn't be too worried about dating right now. You've got a lot on your plate, emotionally speaking. I've enjoyed reading this thread, and it seems like you're still doing really well, fwiw.