My long story. A divorced guy with a son struggling to come out to himself at midlife

[KaraBulut]

... having panic attacks in the middle of the night, waking up in a cold sweat with my heart racing.
...
I'm starting to hate my counseling sessions. I just cry in them. I feel completely nuts.
...
I'm a very risk averse person.

So the counselor has told me to do nothing for a couple of weeks while she helps me work through my anxiety. And my JUB friend said the same thing. Wait a couple of weeks while I work through my anxiety.

Quite often, we see people who show up at the hospital with very serious, critical illnesses. We ask them, "Didn't you have symptoms that made you think something was going on?".

They usually say, "Yes, but I kept hoping that it would just go away."

It might have gone away. But one thing is certain, that by waiting, it ended up being a helluva lot worse by the time they got help for the problem.

And that's kind of where you are. This is 20 years of avoiding issues that you're having to cram into a few weeks/months. Trying to play catch-up on your life is not going to be fun for a while but it will get better.

You should ponder on your actions. But don't get caught in analysis-paralysis to the point that it turns into avoidance. Since a child is involved, you do need to consider what you're doing and how it will affect him.

But beware of your tendency to avoid actions in the long term.

 

[mav96213]

Thanks for keeping us up to date. Hang in there, try to relax, and take your time. You're doing great....

 

[Ganoderma]

hi NCDogGuy,

Thanks alot for starting this extensive thread about your struggle to come out, and thanks alot for providing us with a lot of details from your personal life. Quite a few guys will never be so brave to take the steps you have already taken.

You told us you are now struggeling to tell your son of 13 that you are gay, but that you face problems (or with your 'risk avoiding behaviour') to tell this to him, mainly because you expect problems in regard to the future relation of your son with your ex-wife.

I tend to think that it is 'not any of your business' what your ex-wife is doing with other guys.

I mean, your ex-wife does not need to tell you that she is dating another guy (or 2 at alternating days) or that she has found another boyfriend, or that there is another guy who often spends the night at her, or discussing with you problems she is facing with her new partner. All of this is 'not of your business', because she is 'your ex'. So you are not committed anymore to here. So why should you tell her that you are gay? Maybe you should just tell her much later, or at any event when she will has found out. Is there a plight, and/or a mutual declaration between you and your ex that both of each other must tell each other all these private items?

I would like to give you a very strong advise to tell your son ASAP (=this day) that you are gay. You are living together with your son, and he has the right what's going on with his dad. Likely (?) he will also get information about GLTB issues through a variety of other sources, and I tend to think that he has the right to know who you are.

I am totally unfamiliar with the idea to discuss this kind of items with your son's counselor (what is his position, excuse me if you have already explained this earlier). You might also consider to invite this counselor to your home, and tell your son the news together with this counselor. No big deal, when you chicken too much.

You are the dad of your son, you have made a decision to make your ex pregnant (am I right?), so you should just do this task. ASAP.

I tend to think that you will find the right words how to explain your son that you are a gay. I mean, by using words and phrases, and examples he is familiar with.

Any day you wait will be a spoiled day, and will make is more likely that your son will hear 'rumours' from others.

Don't take it for granted that no one in his (eg mothers of his schoolmates) and in your surroundings will have clues about your real identity. Be aware that quite a few females have a very, very good gaydar. I mean, not a single female in your surrounding has seen you 'dating' / 'smiling' / 'in contact with' / 'checking out' etc with a female / with a single female. Females tend to think and to talk about this kind of issues. Hey, that recently divorced guy with his son of 13 who is now living over there, what's the matter with him? He does not seem to be interested to get a new wife / girlfriend, why? 'bla, bla, bla'. Same at your work.

Good luck & take care.

 

[NCDogGuy]

Thanks for the replies and encouragement. I'm an emotional rollercoaster - some days, pretty good. Other days, pretty upset.

Kara - I understand and concur. It does feel like cramming the emotional processing of complex, life changing issues, during a short period of time. I understand it will get better. Most of the time I believe it.

Gandorama - I'll try to explain a little more. I don't know how common a parenting situation like my ex and I have is in your country. It is pretty rare here. We had a cooperative divorce. We actually processed it ourselves with no lawyers (except for consultations) and worked out a 50/50 split of parenting duties. My son spends one week with me, one with his mom and step-dad. His mother and I communicate several times a week about school issues, and other things that will help when he transitions to the other home.

So she needs to know I'm gay for several reasons. Primarily, if she finds out from him without first being able to process her own feelings, it could result in her having a poor reaction with him, thus complicating his learning to accept me. Secondly, since the divorce 8 years ago, we have been able to put our own feelings aside to jointly support him and do what helps him as he matures. I am hopeful her love for him will allow her to do that with me as he deals with any feelings he has about me being gay.

You are right that she doesn't need to know when I'm dating, or anything like that. But I believe it will help me support my son for her to know. And if she has a negative reaction and would be motivated to do anything that would complicate my relationship with him and our custody arrangement, I will find out immediately by her reaction.

----

Talking to my son's counselor is the first step.

BUT - he is the first person from my straight life that I will tell. I realized that may be the source of my extreme anxiety. Well, that and the fear of all the possible outcomes.

I'm hanging in there...... I'm doing something fun for myself this weekend.

 

[Yves Grey]

I hope that you had some fun this past weekend. Sometimes it's good to entertain some distraction. It can be amazing the effect a little distance or a change of scenery can have on perspective. And, heavens, a breather can be just the ticket. At any rate, I hope you "lived" a little. 'S good for the soul. =)

This is a very big risk. A very weighty risk. I don't think that's even disputable. Even if it is, what matters is what it means to you as an obstacle, and how you stack yourself up against it. Many things might--I should rephrase--many outcomes might arise from your actions. In truth, only one will. Nevertheless, that cannot erase the infinite possibilities--some terrifying--of the future. Freewill is a gift, but also a burden, because it brings with it the understanding of uncertainty. I think you are spot on: what is the risk to you, and are the payoff or the consequence great enough to make you confront and attempt the hurdle?

You already know the answer, but sometimes things get heavy. You seem to be dealing with a heavy load, physically and emotionally. That can be taxing. Especially over a span of time, and processes take time. Definitely get your bearings before you take the next step. I'd say, "Don't wait too long," but unless you're parading around half-naked and disgracing yourself in ways that will bring your judgment and parental ability into question, I'd say you've very little to worry about. Your track record is sound.


Yves

 

[Yves Grey]

Oh, I forgot to tell you to cut yourself some slack.

Vous êtes champion.

 

[NCDogGuy]

I did have some fun this weekend. Went to the amusement park and rode roller coasters for two days. Had a blast. This is the park my son and I go to frequently, so it has wonderful associations with him. And it is where I went to gay night, so good associations there.

I thought a lot. I think I am making the risks seem more likely than they really are. Yes, my ex could chose to make co parenting harder. But while possible, I think it is unlikely. Likewise on many of the other issues. possible, but not certain, and not probable. Just possible.

in contrast, the risks to my mental health if I do nothing, or if I even regress are very real and almost certain. And if I become depressed because I try to forget I'm gay, I will be a lousy father and thus hurt my son.

I will talk with my counselor tomorrow, but I think I'm getting close to doing it.

I'm better. I've been sleeping well again. And giving myself the fun weekend because I wanted to do that was good.

So better, but still hard.

 

[Elwood]

Hey NCDogGuy, how ya doing? Sounds to me like you are doing pretty good!!!!

Let me introduce myself I am A 46 year old man with 15 year old twin boys, I got divorced at 38 and slowly came out of the closet after that, sound familiar? lol First off l want to say that it sounds like you are handling it very well!!

I as well tormented myself about telling my children, I searched high and low on the internet for info on coming out to ones children, (surprisingly there is really nothing out there), I spoke to their pediatrician and she just sort of stared at me all confused like and said "Maybe PFLAG?". So I called my local chapter of PFLAG, they said Ummm we help gay youth come out and just sounded generally confused by my request. So I worried about it for another year.

I think they were 11 years old when I finally told them. We were in the car coming back from our campground in the country. I was nervous as hell When I said to them " I have to tell you guys something". "OK" they said, " I am gay" " Ya we know" and then proceeded to put their headphones back in.


They had figured it out on their own and had all ready spoken to their mother about it.


My point is I worried myself sick about telling them for about 4 years and it really ended up being a non issue. They are now 15 years old and our relationship has not changed one bit.

I have not read this whole thread mostly just the 2cnd page I stumbled upon it late tonight, from what I have read it seems you have a good relationship with your ex-wife, and my advice would be to tell her first I don't believe I read anywhere that she is homophobic. My ex has several gay friends and is not homophobic at all which made things really easy. I am going to stop rambling now, but after reading this I just felt I had to reply and please feel free to PM me or I will try and keep on eye on this space if you feel like talking

Signed
Been there , done that, and it is not really as bad as you are making it out to be

 

[NCDogGuy]

I am starting the coming out process. I am following the plan I layed out.

1. Sons psychologist to get advice on telling him.
2. Sons mom so she is prepared for any questions or comments from my son. That way I get her initial reaction, not him
3. my son
4. My mom

I made the appointment for step 1 a week ago. I have been calm, not worrying, and feeling almost excited about it.

Until today.

I'm not sure I can talk to his counselor. This is the first step in truly coming out and I am quite scared. This truly is tipping over the first domino in the chain.

As I told my counselor, I know this could complicate my life. But I don't think it will with the people who count. And I do know that if I resupress everything and stop doing gay meetup and such, I will just get depressed and that will be bad for him because he doesnt need a depressed dad. He need a dad who is honest about himself and is happy.

So I have to do it. But with the appointment only 90 minutes away, I am almost having a panic attack.

I. Hate. This. Being so anxious and scared is awful. But living closeted and fearing making a mistake and being outed is awful.

But I need to do it, and I can get through this.

I hope to post later saying it wasn't bad, went well, and i feel great. I hope so.

 

[NCDogGuy]

It has been suggested to me that I split off a new thread since I am entering a new phase of this journey. As I've been considering that for a while, I am.

My story continues in this thread: http://www.justusboys.com/forum/showthread.php?t=359628