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Need some sound advice or reassurance

ariesstar89

ariesstar89

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I really need some sound words right about now. I'm almost at the point of break, and am so close to slipping off the edge. I really need to hear some opinions, or something, concerning what is going on with me right now.

I guess before I start I should give some kind of back story....My bf and I have been dating since last March, and it is a long distance relationship. We've somehow made it to work, even though I swore up and down I would never go into a long distance again, but he grew on me, and I felt that he was worth it. We had a stall during the summer, but was able to bounce back and become closer than ever. We've been somehow making it work, and I'm so thankful that I've been able to meet this man, let alone develop a relationship with him. I've even told him how much he means to me, and how much I love him, and I know he cares and loves me just as deeply, if not more. I never thought I'd be able to make this work, but again, it is and has been keeping strong.

Now that you can see some kind of background, I guess I should get along to why I'm making a post. He went out of town to attend meetings with the field of work he is in. All throughout the week we've been keeping in contact just as much as always, and haven't had any problems. So last night, we're texting back and forth and he's out with some friends of his he met at the meetings, and I was drinking here with some friends of mine. We're playfully texting back and forth and what not when I jokingly say, mind you I was somewhat drunk, "Don't let some hot guy steal ya away from me." Not long after, he goes into how he's mad at me, but wants to sleep, and we'll talk about it later. Get to this morning, and he's waiting on his plane to take off and we're texting back and forth. He says to me that he can't be in a relationship where he can't be trusted. I don't know what I did to make him feel that way. I've always trusted him, and have never had any reason to doubt him. He's upfront and honest about what he's doing, and therefore why would I need to worry. I don't care that he goes out with friends to drink and dance and whatnot, because I know he isn't the cheating kind. I know all of this, so why would he suddenly bring this up? He goes on to say that again, he cant be in a relationship where he isn't trusted, and follows up with thinking this might not work if trust isn't present. I say to him all the things I said above, I've always trusted him, and continue to because he's given me no reason to question him. He says he's worried about the future between us, which immediately makes me cry...that to me is the tale signs that a break up is around the corner. I ask him if he wants to be with me, and is happy with me. He says yes, but again, he doesn't want to be in a relationship where trust isn't present. I begin to cry more and ask if he wants to break up with me. He finishes with, I just need to think about things for awhile...but we will talk soon. I finally told him, cause I needed to be honest with him, that my reasons behind the texting was jealousy....I don't get jealous of the fact that he's out and about, I don't get jealous about the fact that he's having a good time. I get jealous about the fact that people are around you, when I want to be there with you too. Its not the people in particular, its the fact that they get to be in his presence, if that makes any sense. I know that may be childish, and immature, but the way I see it, if two people love each other, and make each other happy...why wouldn't a person be jealous of the fact that they might not be around that person all the time, ya know? He then says to me, the plane is about to take off, I need to think about things between us.

So what am I to do? I'm so hurt by all of this, and I know he is too. Who wants to feel like they can't be trusted by the one person that they care about? I don't blame him one bit...I just wish I could make him believe me when I say that I trust him, and always have. I don't know what to do. So some thoughts about what could happen next would be greatly appreciated. I've been crying non stop for the past couple of hours. Does this mean a break-up is coming up, or just a break? Or does it mean that he just simply needs time to reassess his feelings towards me. I ended the conversation by stating that I just didn't want him to give up on me, because I never did with him...that I loved him. Thanks...and don't be afraid to be brutally honest
 
I only know what you're told us above, and if that's the entire story, I'm puzzled. My partner and I were long-distance for awhile, so I know how difficult it can be to have forced periods of non-presence. And if he sent me a text saying "Don't let some hot guy still ya away from me", I'm positive I would've responded with something lighthearted in return. "I don't see that happening, but I won't promise anything - you never know, I might run into (famous actor)" or "If he's hot enough to share, I'll invite you over for a three-way". Whatever. Almost definitely with a smilie attached to the end. If nothing else in your texting conversation (or previous conversations) would imply that you thought he was cheating, or seeing somebody on the side, I don't see why that comment would lead him to think you don't trust him.

And this wasn't a one-time misunderstanding. The next morning, he's still giving you the "I can't be with you if you don't trust me" routine. And from my vantage point, I don't see a lack of trust from you. I don't see the need to guilt-trip YOU into proving you trust him based on that goofy line of text. But whatever the rationale behind it, I can't say as it bodes well.

Lex
 
To build on what Lex said, which I agree with 100 percent. It sounds to me like he wants out and has seized on your pretty innocuous comment as his casus belli.

If that's the case, he's gonna play this up until he gets out and there's nothing you can do to change it.

But then you know him best and maybe there are things going on you haven't told us about.
 
Yeshua said:
The way I see it, Love and Jealousy don't mix. If you are jealous it somehow means that you're not completely trusting him. If there's real complete love, there should not be jealousy, there should not be a "need" to be with the person we love all the time. Wanting to be in his presence all the time sounds more like attachment to someone than love.

People talk about love so much, that many feelings are mistaken for love. Do you feel love? I don't know, that is something that only you can answer. But you have to be real honest with yourself.

Also, only you can work with yourself and your feelings to try to get to the root of the jealousy issue and get rid of it. Jealousy is not a healthy feeling and it can destroy a relationship. But all this is something you have to work out on your own. I hope you can resolve your present situation satisfactorily.

The above is just my opinion, I'm not judging.
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I understand the point you're coming from...And I neither agree nor disagree. I get what you're saying about how jealousy can ruin a relationship...I'm not arguing that. I've been in a relationship before where the guy was all over me, wouldn't let me go out, wouldn't let me go hang with friends that he didn't feel "comfortable" with, and jealous when I couldn't hang with him all the time. Now I may have sounded hypocritical now, but hear me out. I see the difference as this: I don't care what he's doing, I mean...he could be going out and with guys all the time, but I know he isn't..I trust him. Now I do wish to be with him alot more than we are now, but we can't...it doesn't work out that way, and we've worked with it before. Now what I disagree on refers to my previous statement...I trust him, but yes I admit, I get jealous of not being around him..its not a need, its a want. I can't describe the feelings I have towards him, but it feels so right to a point where I am almost speechless thinking about it. I mean, people have different interpretations of love, but thats mine..and who doesn't want love? I do appreciate your advice though..puts my mind at work
 
So the question needs to be asked then Lex and TX-Beau, what do I do now...I mean, the conversation is coming up, its looming and when it'll happen I don't know, but I just want to know what can I possibly do to save this. I know deep down in my heart, that I love him, because I've never felt like this before..sure I was confused in the past, but this for the first time, seems so real. And I know he loves me, I know he does...the way he does things for me, the way he says things, the looks, the stances...I know he does. I can't stop him if deep down in his heart he wants out, but I don't feel that he wants out 100%. I wish I could make him believe in me again, believe in me the way I believe in him, and make him understand that he's the one for me...and that without him, I'd just become a wreck. What can i do...
 
Dump him.

It is only going to end in tears.

And frankly, you haven't provided me with anything that would make me give the benefit of the doubt.

And no, you don't have to be a wreck.

Just suggest that it would seem to be better for both of you to call an end to it while you're still on relatively good terms.
 
There comes a point where you have to stop the emailing and texting and either pick up the phone or wait until you can talk in person- whether the situation is a personal or professional one.

This is one of those times.

The two of you are due for a state of the relationship talk. It seems like the stress of a long-distance thing is weighing upon both of you. But before you have that talk, you need to sort out your thoughts and feelings here- the hurt and jealousy are getting in the way of you making a clear decision about whether you can handle a long-distance thing. It's not for everyone.
 
KaraBulut said:
There comes a point where you have to stop the emailing and texting and either pick up the phone or wait until you can talk in person- whether the situation is a personal or professional one.

This is one of those times.

The two of you are due for a state of the relationship talk. It seems like the stress of a long-distance thing is weighing upon both of you. But before you have that talk, you need to sort out your thoughts and feelings here- the hurt and jealousy are getting in the way of you making a clear decision about whether you can handle a long-distance thing. It's not for everyone.
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I realize that this is one of those times...I told him to call me, to CALL me, when he wants to talk. We've had a very brief talk in the past about our relationship, but I reassured him that I didn't want anyone else on this earth but him, and that I'm his. We both agreed that the distance was hurting, but...we both agreed too that if we both want it to work, that thats what it needs...work. Do we both want to be together? Do we both want to continue to bring happiness to one another? do we both want to love one another? The answers were yes...which leads me as to why he suddenly feels this way. I can only hope..
 
Your point makes perfect sense, and it's very sweet. Don't confuse missing him and wanting to be with him with jealousy. If everyone else were removed from the situation, you would still have these feelings. That's not jealousy. It's longing to be with him and wanting to get to experience him the way people who are close to him do, and more so. When you talk to him, stay away from the "jealous" word. It will only put you in a bad light. Position it as you longing to be with him and that other people are lucky they get to be with him. That's what you want and need.
 
Well, I have to ask about the elephant in the room.

Do you think he cheated and that's why he got defensive?
 
I've never question him about him cheating before in our entire relationship...because I've never felt the need to. I've trusted him, and always have. He's never given me any reason what-so-ever to make me think that he's cheated on me. Nor did I last night
 
ariesstar89 said:
I've never question him about him cheating before in our entire relationship...because I've never felt the need to. I've trusted him, and always have. He's never given me any reason what-so-ever to make me think that he's cheated on me. Nor did I last night
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tucaz7 said:
I'm thinking what KaraBulut is thinking.
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Much like Lex, having been in a long term relationship that has been a long distance relationship at times, it would be something that would be joked about and neither of us would take it as an accusation or a implication.

It just seems like when the response doesn't make sense or is out of proportion, it means that there's another issue that's really the problem.

It just seems that his response was out of proportion to what you said.
 
Exactly! That's what confuses me the most about it...it'd be different if I understood why exactly he feels that way, or what I did exactly. I never made that text out that way to be like, "you best not let some guy steal ya away from me, like I know you do" I never said that, what gets me is..ive said that line to him before, and he's always joked back with a line, so why me saying it this one time make things different?
 
When you talk to him either on the phone or in person, I would be more assertive and say. I don't get it. Obviously, I was just joking when I said, "Don't let some hot guy steal ya away from me." I don't get how that implies that I don't trust you. If you are offended I'm sorry, I won't question that again, but now you're questioning our whole relationship because of a joking comment? I don't get it.
 
I was going to say that you obviously hit a "hidden nerve" ... like maybe he was thinking back to a previous relationship that went sour ... but you've said that you've said similar things before, and it didn't phase him. :confused:

So, now, I'm thinking along the same lines as KaraBulut! What would set him off THIS time if he weren't feeling guilty???

Hate to be a "downer"! But, maybe this trip he might have "slipped" a bit! :mad:

Now the question is ... if it finally comes out that he did ... would that be a total "deal breaker" for You??? :eek:

THINK about it! I'm not saying that's the case. But, if it is, how are you planning on taking that? How much do your Truly LOVE Him? Can you forgive him for any possible dalliance?? Will it be :grrr:, or (group) ??
 
what's going on is he's being a guy.

unfortunately it sounds like he left you way before this incident.

I hope that's not the case and he's just cooling off and he'll talk to you. Or at least do the right thing and give you closure. Hang in there.
 
Honestly, I could see myself settling with him...but, that'd be completely up to him and everything. I can see it being something really special. Given I am in school right now, I have a year left, thats way off in the distance, but yes..I could see if happening if he wanted to
 
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