Chardius
On the Prowl
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I was going to post this as a response in that "Masculine Gays" thread by putting myself forward as one of those gay guys that seems to break social norms just getting up in the morning (or evening as I work 3rd shift). For reference: http://www.justusboys.com/forum/showthread.php?t=303751
In high school I befriended many and thus became one of the Nerds, I fell right in step playing Dungeons and Dragons, Magic the Gathering, Warhammer 40k, as well as reading novels by Robert Jordan and the like. My goal reflecting on it now was that everyday life living in the closet was just too horrifying to face on its own, and what better way to escape and to frankly survive than by making friends and pretending to be someone/something else at the same time. Nevermind that my first D&D character was a flippant, flamboyant, half-elf, hippy, druid (which really should have been a clue). Behold my horror when I discovered that this neither was very accepted by society at large.
For instance the last family re-union that I attended on my mother's side happened about a week after the release of Diablo II. I was still playing it at every waking moment, I had followed that game for its entire development and had promptly purchased the collector's edition. So I was pretty peeved off that I would be forced to leave my escapism, so much so that to bide my time there I brought the signed instruction manual with me. I was wearing a black snarky t-shirt that day, something about binary, the number 10, and the kinds of people that understand it and those who don't. Diablo for those who don't know is a game series for the PC produced by Blizzard entertainment, players select a from 1 of 5 bad asses to gallivant around the world and slay evil in its many horned and vaguely humanoid forms. My great uncle Val decides to come over and see what book I'm reading and I can only guess at what he thought was going on with me having only that game manual to reference. I would however soon find out when my mother has us all leave quite shortly afterwards as my great uncle Val offers to perform an exorcism on me. I'm really happy she pulled me away from that kind of crazy. I was about 15 at the time I want to say.
On another occaision I was at the mall with my dad and told him that I wanted to check the new releases at the Wizards of the Coast outlet (the people who make D&D and Magic), only to hear "you don't want to go in there Rick, weird people shop there". I then proceeded to walk in and greet the clerk by name.
Both of these were before I had come out of the closet, replace my black nerd t-shirt with a pride shirt; replace the word "weird" with "gay" coming out of my dad's mouth and how familiar are these stories? Not only did I put up with being told that homosexuality is wrong but also that playing D&D taught kids how to summon real demons and was a path to satanism. It was a real fear of mine that if I came out that I would lose friends over being gay (which I didn't) but also that I would lose chances with men once I came out and they learned about what I do as a hobby (which I have). Now I will admit part of the second half of that statement is that being a closeted gay nerd is NOT conducive to learning how to approach attractive guys with confidence and how to be comfortable in ones own skin.
Even after coming out what I have to put up with now is shit like "Gay people don't play warhammer!" despite the clear, obvious, and tangible evidence in front of them. When I came out it was, as near as I can tell, a complete surprise to everyone in my life. Look at a photo album of me however and it is PAINFULLY obvious that I am a homosexual, I started jazz hands at the age of 5 and I'm wearing a cowboy outfit with a red bandanna around my neck for fuck sake in the same photo! My 3-4ish year old brother is next to me crossing his eyes and mocking my pose. Really it shouldn't have been surprising, but it was because I am a nerd. I played non-euker card games and read fantasy novels, in everyone's eyes there was no way that I could be homosexual. It might have in the end made it easier to accept on some level however, I heard a lot of "you're only doing this to be different". As you know, nerds are wont to do.](/images/smilies/bang.gif "Brick wall ](*,)")
. As it stands today I don't speak with my siblings or parents much, not because I'm gay, but because I can't stand to hear exasperated sighs and to see rolling eyes when I try to include them in my life. There is a real and complete lack of interest in what I'm doing and I've been told as such by them.
My masculine role models were incredibly intelligent, creative, confident, and competitive men. It is these role models and social connections with nerds as a teenager that drives me today to pursue a PhD in philosophy, they define me just as much as being an out and open homosexual man does. I work very hard for at least tolerance if not acceptance in the table top gaming community of homosexuals, working to end a social stigma from both ends however has been at times quite tiring.
So this got a little bit longer and a lot more personal than I expected but I have been around here on and off a bit and I haven't read about others having this issue. I know other gay super nerds are out there and I just wanted to say hello and that I wish to see you across a gaming table.
In high school I befriended many and thus became one of the Nerds, I fell right in step playing Dungeons and Dragons, Magic the Gathering, Warhammer 40k, as well as reading novels by Robert Jordan and the like. My goal reflecting on it now was that everyday life living in the closet was just too horrifying to face on its own, and what better way to escape and to frankly survive than by making friends and pretending to be someone/something else at the same time. Nevermind that my first D&D character was a flippant, flamboyant, half-elf, hippy, druid (which really should have been a clue). Behold my horror when I discovered that this neither was very accepted by society at large.
For instance the last family re-union that I attended on my mother's side happened about a week after the release of Diablo II. I was still playing it at every waking moment, I had followed that game for its entire development and had promptly purchased the collector's edition. So I was pretty peeved off that I would be forced to leave my escapism, so much so that to bide my time there I brought the signed instruction manual with me. I was wearing a black snarky t-shirt that day, something about binary, the number 10, and the kinds of people that understand it and those who don't. Diablo for those who don't know is a game series for the PC produced by Blizzard entertainment, players select a from 1 of 5 bad asses to gallivant around the world and slay evil in its many horned and vaguely humanoid forms. My great uncle Val decides to come over and see what book I'm reading and I can only guess at what he thought was going on with me having only that game manual to reference. I would however soon find out when my mother has us all leave quite shortly afterwards as my great uncle Val offers to perform an exorcism on me. I'm really happy she pulled me away from that kind of crazy. I was about 15 at the time I want to say.
On another occaision I was at the mall with my dad and told him that I wanted to check the new releases at the Wizards of the Coast outlet (the people who make D&D and Magic), only to hear "you don't want to go in there Rick, weird people shop there". I then proceeded to walk in and greet the clerk by name.
Both of these were before I had come out of the closet, replace my black nerd t-shirt with a pride shirt; replace the word "weird" with "gay" coming out of my dad's mouth and how familiar are these stories? Not only did I put up with being told that homosexuality is wrong but also that playing D&D taught kids how to summon real demons and was a path to satanism. It was a real fear of mine that if I came out that I would lose friends over being gay (which I didn't) but also that I would lose chances with men once I came out and they learned about what I do as a hobby (which I have). Now I will admit part of the second half of that statement is that being a closeted gay nerd is NOT conducive to learning how to approach attractive guys with confidence and how to be comfortable in ones own skin.
Even after coming out what I have to put up with now is shit like "Gay people don't play warhammer!" despite the clear, obvious, and tangible evidence in front of them. When I came out it was, as near as I can tell, a complete surprise to everyone in my life. Look at a photo album of me however and it is PAINFULLY obvious that I am a homosexual, I started jazz hands at the age of 5 and I'm wearing a cowboy outfit with a red bandanna around my neck for fuck sake in the same photo! My 3-4ish year old brother is next to me crossing his eyes and mocking my pose. Really it shouldn't have been surprising, but it was because I am a nerd. I played non-euker card games and read fantasy novels, in everyone's eyes there was no way that I could be homosexual. It might have in the end made it easier to accept on some level however, I heard a lot of "you're only doing this to be different". As you know, nerds are wont to do.
. As it stands today I don't speak with my siblings or parents much, not because I'm gay, but because I can't stand to hear exasperated sighs and to see rolling eyes when I try to include them in my life. There is a real and complete lack of interest in what I'm doing and I've been told as such by them.My masculine role models were incredibly intelligent, creative, confident, and competitive men. It is these role models and social connections with nerds as a teenager that drives me today to pursue a PhD in philosophy, they define me just as much as being an out and open homosexual man does. I work very hard for at least tolerance if not acceptance in the table top gaming community of homosexuals, working to end a social stigma from both ends however has been at times quite tiring.
So this got a little bit longer and a lot more personal than I expected but I have been around here on and off a bit and I haven't read about others having this issue. I know other gay super nerds are out there and I just wanted to say hello and that I wish to see you across a gaming table.
