New relationship problem

[blahman16]

I've met this guy for a month, and he is someone I'm really starting to like. However, I have a lot of reservations that are holding me back from fully trusting him and putting all my emotions and feelings into this.

We've met a little over a month ago and we've been in contact either thru email, phone, and we've been meeting nearly every week. After the very first night, he told me that he loves me and says that what I mean to him is more than I ever know. At first, I didn't believe a thing that he said, but I don't know whether it is hearing it so many times or I truly feel he does care for me, but I am starting to put my shield down, and I am beginning to like him more and more.

One very concerning aspect is the number of NSA/casual encounters he engages. He meets at least 2-3 people on craigslist every week, and during the nights when we were together, his phone would ring and he would receive an email or text. During several occasions he told me it was one of his former NSA folks asking to meet with him. The sheer amount of NSA he does, and have been doing for several years makes worries me, scares me, and I frankly find it disgusting. I brought this issue up to him about how I am scared about all the NSA he does, and he claims that if we were to be boyfriends, I would see another side of him and he would be so dedicated to me. And he claimed that when he was in past relationships, he saw no one else.

For one, he told me he intends to fly all the way over to Canada (we're located in California) to have sex with someone who approached him online, and that they've been talking for a month. For someone who goes to the extreme of flying all the way to Canada to have sex with someone he met online, where can I find the confidence to believe him that he can be a dedicated partner who wouldn't just flock to the next hot guy he finds? Yet, I don't understand why he is willing to share this with me, that he is flying to Canada to meet someone. Our current relationship is open game no commitment, but since we've met, he has had sex with several people he has met online, while I have only been seeing him since we've met.

One night, he mistaken one of my emails as one that I was supposedly sending to someone else for sex, and the next day he blocked my emails and stopped responding to my calls. It was not until 2 days later did he finally texted me and told me that he couldn't control the rage that I was sleeping with someone else (which I didn't), and that he got so jealous.

But, I have a lot of reservations believing what he says. He is also honest with me about sharing stories regarding his casual encounters. Yet, despite hearing so many sex stories from him, I know the stories he has shared has only scratched the surface of all the casual sex activities he has done. And I'm a bit puzzled why is is willing to spend so much money on me, taking me out to dinner, going on trips together.

I do like him, but I'm afraid this is all just a ploy and I'm just one of the NSA he finds to be more interesting, and soon he'll just block off communication from me (he has told me he has the habit of blocking emails from NSA ppl he doesn't want to see anymore).

What's more is that he keeps trying to top me. I've never bottomed before, and I let him top me two times, but I don't like it. And he keeps trying to convince me that I am a bottom, that I enjoy being fucked and fingered because I get intense orgasms. Yet, he himself has only bottomed once and refuses to bottom anymore.

The more time we spend together, the more he occupies my mind, but I want to bring these concerns up with him face to face, but I don't know how to approach him with my list of concerns. I need answers to my concerns, but I don't know if confronting him is all of this is the best way to go.

 

[Halifaxboy8]

Well, he's not looking to get married. And at the very least, he's not looking for a boyfriend. He's looking, and playing the field.

Now then, you know this. He may be cute and all that, but he is a kid in a candy store. Nothing wrong with that.

You need to decide if this guy is worth putting effort into.

Honestly, he's not ready for anything that you are looking at hooking onto. Save yourself the heartache and find someone else.

 

[sixthson]

If you are looking for a relationship, you better keep looking. This guy is not relationship material. While you are at it, you might want to reread what you wrote and ask yourself what you find appealing about him. What you wrote was not flattering.

 

[Seasoned]

Please run. He has the right to do as he pleases with consenting adults, but the two of you are not on the same page and he is a control freak. He also sounds at least a bit cruel and sadistic. He hooked you with the love word the first time he met you! He couldn't have meant it in the way you assumed. You seem a romantic and he seems like a dangerous bad boy, at least for you. Keep seeing him at your own mental and perhaps physical health risk. If your best friend told you the same thing you posted, how would you respond?

 

[blahman16]

This is a related thread about my bottoming for the 1st time, and the person who topped me was this person I am talking about

(I can't post links because I don't have 25 posts yet, but it is titled "bottomed for 1st time" located in the health and well being section.)


I don't know whether me having a lot of reservations about him is influencing the way I present this person in my posts, but what I have written are truly reservations I have about him. When I think back on all the times we've spent together (aside from him trying to/made me bottom for him), he has been a really sweet guy and I really did enjoy spending time together. But, I don't know whether all of this "nice-ness" is just a part of his game of NSA/sexual fun.

He has bought flowers and cards for me, telling me that it was a rare moment for him to have such feelings for some person in over 2+ years (since he last relationship), and that he could count on his fingers people who have been significant to him, and I am one of them. He says that even if we don't meet anyone, what we have done together will last him a life time, and that I have given him so much in so little time. But how is it possible I have been able to give him so much in such a short amount of time, and how can he already count me as one of the few significant peoples he claims I am? I'm not someone who's hot or has a nice body, I am just an average person. or a tall and slightly underweight person.

In total, from all the dining and various gifts and trips, he has spent several hundred dollars on me during the time we've spent in 1 month. and I actually feel kind of guilty that he's spending so much money on me, and I feel like I owe him something (this feeling of guilt is very inline with the type of person I am)


EDIT********
He's on a business trip right now. I just sent him a quick email that I have reservations I have about where we are heading (I know this is best said face to face, but I need to get this off my chest because this week is very stressful for me outside of this topic).

He says that if I don't want him to do anything with anyone then he will give me his word and not do anything with anyone. Can I really believe trust him?



I think one of the scariest things of all of this is that I am not out to my family, and for me to fall for a guy is to make a lot of sacrifices on my part to make it work, or ending up having it not work out at the end.

 

[blahman16]

I have a lot more to share, and I could keep writing about many more stories in detail, but here is another one:

One night when we were in bed, when he was trying to top me, he accidentally referred to me by the name of his former boyfriends. At that moment, was I like "what??!?" and both of us starting to crack up. He had told me about his previous boyfriend earlier that day.

The next day, he explained himself and his reason for blurting out his ex-bf's name when he tried to say my name is that it is a good thing--I made him feel so comfortable, and I reminded him of his ex-bf.

I don't get why he is being so honest (or were they all lies?) with what he has done sexually in the past? Why is he so willing to share it with me? Why does he share with me how he picks up guys so candidly?

When we hang out, I know he's always on the lookout and checking other guys out too. But I don't know if this is just a regular part/instinct of a person checking hot ppl who walks by.

 

[spencer]

It's like he doesn't have to lie cause everything he tells you that should be considered wrong bounces right off you like rubber.

Ask him if he's ready for a commitment, see of he sticks to it. Otherwise, tell him he's not ready and you're not able to be in an open relationship. You owe that to youself brother.

 

[blahman16]

The problem is I won't know if he can stick to a commitment, that he won't actually see anyone else. I don't have enough experience to be able to detect if he really hooked up with people on the side. I don't have the confidence to trust him. We're both busy and he has plenty of opportunities to have sex. he even tells me he has sex with women at work, and he j/o with straight married and curious male coworkers. I asked him doesn't he think it is awkward to have sex with people at work, and he tells me "so what? they want a piece of me."

I am getting blinded by all these seemingly bad signs because I really do like him. I'm clinging to the possibility that he could actually be someone who is dedicated, but the facts says otherwise.

 

[spencer]

That answers your question. Continue to be with him, but date other people until you can move on (if you have problems moving on). You need to really like someone else that is more available for a relationship.

 

[KaraBulut]

This guy is an addict. He's addicted to the sex. He's addicted to the romance. He's addicted to the feeling of "new" that comes when you're getting to know someone.

Decide what you want. If this guy can't give you what you want, then move on to someone who can.

Otherwise, you're on a treadmill where you're working really hard but never moving forward.

 

[blahman16]

He says he doesn't play games, and doesn't understand what he is doing wrong (via email conversation).

I don't know. Too many mixed messages, I am getting confused. My mind is being played.

 

[blahman16]

I just don't get why he is willing to share all these stories about his past experiences with me. If he wanted to play me, he could just never share any of those stories that are making me question him. Is this a game of psychology?

 

[deserter85]

You do know that there's a rather simple way to end this mind-fuck you're experiencing right?

Just end the relationship.

He's not worth keeping. Who the hell tells someone else something along the lines of "You're the bottom - I don't give a shit if you're enjoying it or not, but you're a bottom as all I want to do is to be a top".

Secondly, the whole NSA thing... Firstly, I'm not really all that bothered by the fact that he used to have a lot of NSA sex. Because I used to have NSA sex almost on a daily basis but once I was in a relationship that came to a stop. However, what does concern me is that he sounds like he still intends to see someone else for NSA sex? Have you guys talked about this and decided that you're after an open relationship?

Also, I noticed on the other thread that you referred to him as your partner. Really think about this. Do you really want to be partnered with someone who's highly manipulative? It will just be an endless series of mind-fucks. Furthermore, I've always felt that the term "partner" indicated that there is some level of commitment or that you guys have been together for quite a while. Do you think that he's the kind of person who can offer commitment?

Ok, enough boyfriend bashing there from me. I do have another question for you though. In your previous relationship(s), were you this dubious of your boyfriend/girlfriend's intentions? Or is it just him? If it is just him, then I'd say that your subconscious is trying to tell you something your conscious mind doesn't want to hear. If it's a prevailing pattern, maybe it's just that you have almost 0 trust in anyone - and that can be a really big hurdle that you'll need to overcome.

 

[spencer]

He says he doesn't play games, and doesn't understand what he is doing wrong (via email conversation).

I don't know. Too many mixed messages, I am getting confused. My mind is being played.

He's not playing games in a sense that he's giving you full disclosure. And since you're taking it, the only thing you could possibly have is the open relationship you're currently having.

Ask him if you do see each other exclusively and he were to slip that you would prefer it end rather than lies. He seems to be very truthful. I don't see the point in wanting to be in a realationship (in his mind) if he likes to sleep around.

 

[TX-Beau]

OK so this guy is not only promiscuous with gay men, but promiscuous with everyone else too, and he told you about it, and then he told you it’s “just you” and you’re worried about him lying to you.

Where is the drama? Walk away. End of problem. Where is the need for advice?

Unless of course you like the drama and that is the whole point of this.

Maybe he isn’t the problem here.

Maybe he isn't the only one with an issue.

 

[LarryBiSubBot]

Went through this earlier this year.

I got emotionally attached since he was such a sweetheart and I held on even though he was seeing other guys. I thought he'd change. But I finally could see that he wasn't going to and ended it. I got over the emotions of it and am glad I made the decision.

If you want monogomy and he doesn't, it just isn't going to work.

 

[hanzosword]

Please stop seeing this guy. He has too much sex with other people and I'm sure he's not gonna stop for you. He sounds like a real asshole too.

You can do much better than someone who wants to make you into a bottom when you don't want to be and who's willing to fly out of the country to hook up with a stranger. You seem like a nice guy and you don't deserve this man.

 

[blahman16]

I finally found the courage to bring up a talk about this yesterday. I didn't intend to or expect to cry or tear up while talking to him; I had everything I wanted to say so carefully planned out, running what I have to say in my mind over and over, but I couldn't control myself when the moment came because I really like him.

I told him I'm not comfortable with the lifestyle he has, and I'm afraid to let myself have more feelings for him. He told me he can be dedicated to me, but I told him the facts says otherwise. He says that I know him well enough by now to to be able to tell what kind of person he is, I said I don't, and he said well it will take time.

I told him this in the car when he was driving me back home, and I got out of the car still having tears running down my face. what have i gotten myself into, being so worked up over someone i like but who i have so much reservations for.

 

[hotatlboi]

I told him I'm not comfortable with the lifestyle he has, and I'm afraid to let myself have more feelings for him. He told me he can be dedicated to me, but I told him the facts says otherwise.

And you're absolutely right here. Actions ALWAYS speak louder than words.

If his actions are not changing, it's time to move on.

 

[blahman16]

now he's emailing me and saying we are only human, that he wouldn't do anything to hurt me, that he cares for me very much.

guess what? last night while we were together, i saw that he was texting with the guy from canada, saying he hopes the dream of meeting each other comes true.

it's time for me to move on.