hey again
just thought i'd drop by and rant a bit, seeing as this is a place where im not burdening my friends with it

feel free to read it if you feel up to it and want to give me a hug, which i would appreciate by the way

so it's been around 5 months now since i moved to berlin. it has always been clear to me that it wouldn't be easy, you know, giving up your friends, only meeting them once or twice a year from now on (in case they have time of course...), having difficulties with the new language(s) and therefore having even bigger difficulties with the making of new friends

until december it was quite alright, i enjoyed living on my own though it was a tiny bit depressing at times, having nobody to turn to. unfortunately im kind of an introvert, i dont like starting a conversation even though i know its not hard... im not sure why, but i just cant go up to someone and say hi, im ben, nice to meet you. maybe its because of the language, obviously im not a german and im having difficulties at times, especially when im trying to reproduce the "german accent" which generally results in them thinking im french and not understanding a single word

interestingly, this problem vanishes when im drunk. i met some hungarian girls here, so i actually had people to go and have a drink with, except they aren't gay, you know, and i knew they were going to leave berlin in february, while i was going to stay here for at least another year... so while i enjoyed their company and we had lots of fun times, it just wasn't what i needed. i starting doubting that this was for me, if i could ever become a real resident, have real german friends and perhaps date german guys even. im still a virgin and i've never dated anyone (obviously because im a bit shy and not the best looking guy either, though i did visit the only gay bar in my hometown, plus because being gay isn't quite accepted in hungary), so im just full of doubt. not being able to speak german like a real german can and being so unexperienced... is it really a good idea to move to a new country at 18? ah dear god, i cant really organize my thoughts, it just felt good to rant a bit

hope nobody minds! wish there were some berliner people here to hang out with, maybe getting to know people wouldnt be so awkward then. oh well
good night everyone, sweet dreams
love, ben