Re: Not being around my best friend makes me sick.
Not going to disagree with you here completely, but I'm going to pick apart this thread as I see it to discuss some issues with you. Take them from a 25 year old guy who only came out to himself about, oh....two and a half years ago.
I tried to have a relationship--with a straight guy, even...and like you, it tore me apart inside. I always wondered why God would have put such a burden on me to bear, dealing with sexuality issues all the time, and why I was so attracted to this one guy in particular--a connection that to this day still hasn't completely faded from my mind, even though I haven't seen him in well over a year. I still love him, and if I went back to see him, I know full well the feelings would return and I would once again be put in a situation where I would not have those feelings returned in kind.
It's never been easy, and to this day I'm single, mainly because I choose to be as I do not need to be with someone else to be happy. I get lonely from time to time, but most of us do, even those of us who already have partners or boyfriends / girlfriends.
I've thought of my relationship with God (what there is of one) as something similar to a relationship I might have with someone I'm in love with. Why? Just like a faithful partner I ideally would be with, I would turn to them for guidance, help, support, companionship, trust, loyalty, and advice. God is a man---not in the physical sense, perhaps, but he's still socially accepted as a man in this country, and guess what? We turn to him for one of the biggest things that we as humans turn to and long for from other people---unconditional love.
You've first got to come to grips with the fact that even if you were gay, bisexual or straight, you are no more or less judged than anyone else put on this planet. It may be a faith that few people, especially fundamentalists can put stock into, but I can guarantee you the Bible, and Jesus Christ, backs it.
If we all "fall short of the Glory of God and sin," then why should one particular label cause so much pressure? In the life that you lead, you will come to meet others who are in a rat race to join you (or perhaps even want to beat you there) in heaven. They'll do great things to try and ease their conscience, when they have their own sins to deal with, none of them being any greater or less than the ones you've committed or will commit in the future.
Secondly, and I want to drive this point home to you as clearly as possible---do not question your religious beliefs over one person or one secret love that you may have. You yourself said that if this person had indicated they were gay, you might have questioned your spiritual beliefs. Why? Regardless of whether things are going your way or not, it should not be a reason to drop your spirituality. You have your spirituality and it is one of the best things your life will have to offer you. You must learn to fit your spirit inside the rest of who you are, and let it become who you are.
Third, I'm not so sure about you guaranteeing to yourself the fact that your friend might not be interested in you. I can't say for a fact that he is interested in you sexually, but I can guarantee you that he genuinely cares for you, loves you, and that, for right now, is all that matters. If he's willing to go the extra mile and says he will stand by you through it all, is there anything you can't tell this guy? It sounds close to the unconditional love I mentioned before, doesn't it? Give yourself some time to think about this. You've felt a release because God actually told you to get some sense about you--so you told someone you could trust. Of course you feel better.
Now, I don't want to dig too far into this, but I have to put this out here. I don't mean to burst your bubble or cause you undue grief, but it is probably going to come back to haunt you anyhow.
What happens when the feelings return, or if they get worse? Suppose you put stock in the belief that God can help you through this rough patch. What do you do when "those feelings" come back? Do you now choose to repress them because you "know" that God wants you to be with a woman?
You should realize that the feelings are not occurring because the devil has chosen to afflict you with some sort of perversion, or some other disgusting excuse like God is testing you. God does not toy with your emotions, and you should not allow others to do the same to you.
In your heart of hearts, if you think for a second that your exercising of love for another person, whether it be a man or a woman, is going to keep you a footstep away from entering the gates of heaven, you're seriously mistaken.
I urge you not to suppress any feelings. Again, since you've told him you thought you were bisexual, I think he gets the picture of the struggle you're going through. He may not be willing to admit anything to you because he knows you're struggling so, and it's quite possible he could be going through the same thing!
You've got a lot of your life still left to live. Take it a day at a time, and continue to ask God for guidance concerning your friendship with this other person. Things will come together in time.
I wish you peace and the best of luck.
Remember---don't suppress your feelings to the point to where they make you feel ill. If you begin to feel this way, then talk to your friend.
Not going to disagree with you here completely, but I'm going to pick apart this thread as I see it to discuss some issues with you. Take them from a 25 year old guy who only came out to himself about, oh....two and a half years ago.
I tried to have a relationship--with a straight guy, even...and like you, it tore me apart inside. I always wondered why God would have put such a burden on me to bear, dealing with sexuality issues all the time, and why I was so attracted to this one guy in particular--a connection that to this day still hasn't completely faded from my mind, even though I haven't seen him in well over a year. I still love him, and if I went back to see him, I know full well the feelings would return and I would once again be put in a situation where I would not have those feelings returned in kind.
It's never been easy, and to this day I'm single, mainly because I choose to be as I do not need to be with someone else to be happy. I get lonely from time to time, but most of us do, even those of us who already have partners or boyfriends / girlfriends.
I've thought of my relationship with God (what there is of one) as something similar to a relationship I might have with someone I'm in love with. Why? Just like a faithful partner I ideally would be with, I would turn to them for guidance, help, support, companionship, trust, loyalty, and advice. God is a man---not in the physical sense, perhaps, but he's still socially accepted as a man in this country, and guess what? We turn to him for one of the biggest things that we as humans turn to and long for from other people---unconditional love.
You've first got to come to grips with the fact that even if you were gay, bisexual or straight, you are no more or less judged than anyone else put on this planet. It may be a faith that few people, especially fundamentalists can put stock into, but I can guarantee you the Bible, and Jesus Christ, backs it.
If we all "fall short of the Glory of God and sin," then why should one particular label cause so much pressure? In the life that you lead, you will come to meet others who are in a rat race to join you (or perhaps even want to beat you there) in heaven. They'll do great things to try and ease their conscience, when they have their own sins to deal with, none of them being any greater or less than the ones you've committed or will commit in the future.
Secondly, and I want to drive this point home to you as clearly as possible---do not question your religious beliefs over one person or one secret love that you may have. You yourself said that if this person had indicated they were gay, you might have questioned your spiritual beliefs. Why? Regardless of whether things are going your way or not, it should not be a reason to drop your spirituality. You have your spirituality and it is one of the best things your life will have to offer you. You must learn to fit your spirit inside the rest of who you are, and let it become who you are.
Third, I'm not so sure about you guaranteeing to yourself the fact that your friend might not be interested in you. I can't say for a fact that he is interested in you sexually, but I can guarantee you that he genuinely cares for you, loves you, and that, for right now, is all that matters. If he's willing to go the extra mile and says he will stand by you through it all, is there anything you can't tell this guy? It sounds close to the unconditional love I mentioned before, doesn't it? Give yourself some time to think about this. You've felt a release because God actually told you to get some sense about you--so you told someone you could trust. Of course you feel better.
Now, I don't want to dig too far into this, but I have to put this out here. I don't mean to burst your bubble or cause you undue grief, but it is probably going to come back to haunt you anyhow.
What happens when the feelings return, or if they get worse? Suppose you put stock in the belief that God can help you through this rough patch. What do you do when "those feelings" come back? Do you now choose to repress them because you "know" that God wants you to be with a woman?
You should realize that the feelings are not occurring because the devil has chosen to afflict you with some sort of perversion, or some other disgusting excuse like God is testing you. God does not toy with your emotions, and you should not allow others to do the same to you.
In your heart of hearts, if you think for a second that your exercising of love for another person, whether it be a man or a woman, is going to keep you a footstep away from entering the gates of heaven, you're seriously mistaken.
I urge you not to suppress any feelings. Again, since you've told him you thought you were bisexual, I think he gets the picture of the struggle you're going through. He may not be willing to admit anything to you because he knows you're struggling so, and it's quite possible he could be going through the same thing!
You've got a lot of your life still left to live. Take it a day at a time, and continue to ask God for guidance concerning your friendship with this other person. Things will come together in time.
I wish you peace and the best of luck.
Remember---don't suppress your feelings to the point to where they make you feel ill. If you begin to feel this way, then talk to your friend.
People lie--to others and to themselves.