Nothing's what I thought it would be

[dpnice]

......................................Problem is.....when I saw a cute,hot guy.....I try to make eye contact with him.

..............................................

And therefore I don't feel like approaching him....because I don't want to set myself up for a huge disappointment.



And all the time, I don't have guys checking me out or staring at me.

I really do understand how you feel I wasn't exactly drop dead gorgeous when I was young.

But firstly stop eyeing up the hot cute guys and instead search out someone just to talk to rather than drag back home for frantic sex.

Time to accept that disappointments are going to happen and build yourself a shell where in the end it doesn't matter. Then you can chat to anybody and if they are not interested go on to the next one.

If you don't make any effort you won't get anywhere and honestly you can find a million excuses for why you don't do something; until you actual walk up and talk to someone you are not going to get anywhere.

It is a hard fact of life.

I don't think you will find any one on JUB who can offer you other advice or give you the miracle pick up line that gets any man into your bed.

Start planning your next outing, think of how you can approach someone and what you are going to say and then promise yourself to talk at least to one person.

 

[vacancy3]

That's it.....I'm coming to NY to fuck you

 

[Willie Boy]

.....If he doesn't stare back at me, it clearly tells me that he's not interested.

Except that for most people staring is considered rude. Ever stop to consider they were just being polite? What you've considered a clear message isn't necessarily what you thought.

And therefore I don't feel like approaching him....because I don't want to set myself up for a huge disappointment.

But that's the only way to make contact. I understand you don't want to set yourself up for the pain of rejection. Now imagine they have the same feeling. They don't want to be rejected, but they see you acting in what, to them, is considered a rude fashion. But, they may think you are cute. They wait and hope you come over to say hi, to afraid to make the contact themselves because your supposed rudeness makes them wary of being rejected. You never take that step so they assume you aren't interested and are just rude.

 

[MrRochesterNY]

Listen to dpnice's words in posting #38 and # 41 (and even MoufOfKhaos in #39, who says the same thing but more harshly). You say that you don't want to set yourself up for disappointment. But by letting your shyness and inferiority feelings control you, you ARE setting yourself up for disappointment of your own making.

Too many young people ruin their lives by their shyness, and although they eventually outgrow it in most cases, it is too late to recapture the lost opportunities they have denied themselves.

You have to gamble to win!

 

[dpnice]

...........................

You have to gamble to win!

All of our lonely members should have this written on their bathroom mirrors so that they see it and read it and take it to heart every single morning.

 

[jdcnow]

Listen to dpnice's words in posting #38 and # 41 (and even MoufOfKhaos in #39, who says the same thing but more harshly). You say that you don't want to set yourself up for disappointment. But by letting your shyness and inferiority feelings control you, you ARE setting yourself up for disappointment of your own making.

Too many young people ruin their lives by their shyness, and although they eventually outgrow it in most cases, it is too late to recapture the lost opportunities they have denied themselves.

Let me pose a situation here, and I'd like someone's take on it. My own situation is similar to the OP's except, where I'm from, you had to be militantly secret about yourself. You had to keep your mouth shut about who you are, because anyone outside of man-woman heterosexuality is automatically labeled as some sort of sexual predator, to be watched out for. People do talk, people do whisper, and people do try to know your personal business. Eventually, it becomes a matter of personal safety. See Matthew Shepard. It's gotten back to me that several people have asked my friends if I was gay or not. Thankfully, my friends were trustworthy and told them to ask me for themselves, which never happened. People talk behind your back, but are too chickenshit to ask you to your face.

As I've posted about on numerous occasions, the place where I'm from is also an economic black hole - if you or your family don't have money or connections...if an opportunity doesn't present itself to leave, you're pretty much doomed to be stuck there for the rest of your life. You'll never have the financial means to be able to move away to a place of far more opportunity, like the city.

I took the first chance I got to move away, and I haven't looked back since. It'll be 4 years next month since I've been here in the city. I've gotten medical attention for my physical problems. I've gotten professional help for my psychiatric problems. I have a stable, steady job, and am putting myself through school. I hope to have a degree by Christmas of next year. Those things would have NEVER happened for me, if I didn't move away. I challenge anyone to look at my life thus far and tell me with a straight face that I haven't made the most of the opportunities that have been presented to me.

But the fact remains that I am now 32. I'll be 33 in December. And to get to where I now am in life has taken time. It's taken years for me to get just to here. I fear that, through no fault of my own, by the time I work, and slave, and hustle to try and get my life in order, the time for me to potentially find a man to take on as a boyfriend...that time will have been long passed, and that opportunity will never present itself to me ever again in this life. I want to know, from somebody, what could I do any differently than what I am doing?

 

[luckynumbah7]

@jdcnow,

You can take a few minutes and pencil a hobby into that cramped, workaholic schedule of yours. One done in a group, or at least out in the air with other people. Life is what happens while you make other plans and most people find a long-term partner by not scheduling time to search after they've made a life-savings. In fact, don't search at all, searching usually trundles one off directly to depression or madness. Instead wander around a bit and see who pops out of the woodwork.

When someone resembles the latter there's an Eu de Desperation that wafts off 'em, makes ppl wonder if you really like them or are they really all that's left. It's like having kids, or any other major decision - if you're waiting for the perfect financial time, perhaps one where there's no emotional or physical stresses, there isn't one. There isn't one because no one knows what's going to happen next.

There's also no age limit on finding someone. Besides, put things off long enough and you'll avoid it through fear o'change and do you really want to be stuck in that particular rut?

 

[G-Lexington]

I think you need your dick held more than your hand.

Give this some thought for a second. Think of all the friendships you have, and all the ones you've had in the past. Think about how they started. They didn't just "happen". There was interaction. Even if you sat next to each other in school, one of you took the initiative to start talking to the other. And then the other one responded. It may have been easy if you ended up getting along really well, but it still took an initial step on somebody's part...followed by a reciprocal move on the other's part. It wasn't spontaneous.

Sex is exactly the same way. It doesn't "happen". Somebody has to make a move. From what I understand, you haven't made any first moves. And apparently, nobody has made a move on you yet, either. Or perhaps someone did and you turned them down. If somebody walked up to you at Pride and said "Let's fuck right here on the grass", would you have? If I offered myself to you, would you accept? (I'm kind of bearish, but I'm not very muscular.)

So reset your expectations accordingly. Sex only happens when somebody makes a move, and when the other person responds favorably. If you want it to happen, you'll probably have to start making some first moves. Or at least put yourself in situations where people are going to be more likely to offer you sex. That might mean going to more gay functions, or gay clubs. It might mean going to a bathhouse, or setting up an account on a dating or hook-up site. But you'll need to do something more than you're doing. Coming out is an awesome first step, but there are more to come.

Lex

 

[mbamike]

Does a plunger handle count?

Been there! Done that!

 

[xboxfan34]

I don't feel as if I'm entitled to a sexy boyfriend just because I'm out, but what I AM entitled to is my chance to try and work twoards what I want in life. However sometimes I feel as if there are so many factors that are working against me...my self deprecating view of myself, my low confidence...

 

[G-Lexington]

...my self deprecating view of myself, my low confidence...

The thing is - these things feed on themselves. You have a low self-image, therefore you don't go out to take the (fairly benign) risks involved in meeting more people...which means you're alone more often...which makes you feel more unlovable...and the cycle continues.

And while I commiserate about having a crappy self-image - I did too at one point - life doesn't shift in order to compensate for your handicaps. It just means you're stuck working harder than other people with better self-images in order to achieve the same results. In your case, that might mean getting some counseling to help bolster your self-image and sense of self-worth. Because at that point, you're more likely to go out and initiate contact with people, because you'll more readily believe that you're worth getting to know.

Lex

 

[mikey3000]

Maybe you are in the wrong city. Bigger city, bigger gay parties.

 

[Harke the Boeotarch]

And while I commiserate about having a crappy self-image - I did too at one point - life doesn't shift in order to compensate for your handicaps. It just means you're stuck working harder than other people with better self-images in order to achieve the same results.

If you significantly lower your standards for people, the problem sorts itself out neatly.

 

[G-Lexington]

If you significantly lower your standards for people, the problem sorts itself out neatly.

You're sort of onto something here. What eventually happened for me wasn't so much that I decided that I was a lot better than I originally thought - I actually had myself doped out pretty well. I knew my strengths and weaknesses, and where I excelled and where I was terrible. But I tended to look at other people like they were near-faultless creatures who always had their shit together. And of course, that's not the case. We're all fallible human beings (or gargoyles) with positive and negative traits. The playing field really is a lot more level than I thought. And once I realized that, I felt a lot easier reaching out to people.

Lex

 

[xboxfan34]

I'm doing better, in case you all were wondering....to be honest, I really wasn't depressed over "OH NO HOT GUYS WANTED ME" it was more like "okay, that was a total bust, where do I go now? Which way should I turn?"

 

[jdcnow]

I'm doing better, in case you all were wondering....to be honest, I really wasn't depressed over "OH NO HOT GUYS WANTED ME" it was more like "okay, that was a total bust, where do I go now? Which way should I turn?"

Hugs, and I'm glad.

I'm just thinking out loud here... In addition to my workaholic schedule, I also am being treated, and have been treated for the past year and a half, for suicidal depression and abuse-related PTSD (sexual, physical, and emotional abuse). I have this worry that the first-hand experience of losing my v-card may actually do far more harm than good. And that some of that harm and psychiatric damage done may be irreparable.

I worry that the experience may be unexpectedly triggering in some way, to where, not meaning to, I would inadvertently pose a danger both to myself, and the man I'd have sex with, and I don't want to do that. And after the fact, once the experience has been had, I worry about the psychological impact and aftermath - my concern is that if the experience itself goes badly, and even if it goes really well...I worry that it may exacerbate my suicidal depression...that the depression would then spiral out of control to where I would pose a clear and present danger to myself and my own life, and be actively suicidal.

Because of this, there is a part of me that actually wants nothing to do with sex, period - even if the man of my dreams were to just randomly fall out of the sky. I am and will always be sexually attracted to men - I do recognize that. I'm not going to lie, I like dick. But the repercussions of acting upon that attraction - up to and including having sex with a guy...the potential ramifications honestly scare me. As much as I want to have sex and be sexually active, I'm worry that the price - my sanity, and ultimately, my life - may in fact be well too high.

I may just be stuck for life, only able to handle dreams and fantasies of what could have been, for my own sake.

Is what I'm saying making any sense at all? Or am I just irrational?

 

[luckynumbah7]

^^^^Message me, there's actually several steps and options you can go through to greatly reduce that possibility. Slow going and occasionally rough terrain but it is doable. Mostly. Trying to find the message button is difficult from this end. And no, it has little to do with talk therapy.

 

[72-Jay]

Today I went to my first gay pride festival and parade. While I had a good time with my friends from my GSA, I can't help but feel as if I set myself up for disappointment. There are so many times on gay porn blogs that I've seen pictures of these hot, muscular bears in jockstraps walking the streets with bear pride flags or the rainbow flag in the distance....For so long, I've always envisioned gay pride as something like that.

I was shocked to see Gay Pride be so...family friendly and clean. A lot of families were there and LGBT youth groups and nothing remotely fun and sexy.

When I went to my first pride festival a few years ago, I wasn't totally sure what it'd be like.... but overall it was sorta like I'd envisioned.
Lots of people, most of them being very normally dressed.. and yep multiple rainbow flags!
I deff was not disappointed (but sounds like we envisioned it differenly LOL )

Personally I'm glad that its (for the most part) family friendly/clean & very few skimpily dressed people.

I've gone each year since then & actually look forward to it every year... this year would be the fifth in a row (only watched the parade one time though, its much easier for me to go in the afternoon/to the festival part .. this year if I really wanted to, I could be *in* the parade(there's some members from another site that are planning to go) that though Is something I simply can't do - even if it'd be sorta cool to 'see the parade from the other inside looking out')

 

[rareboy]

I hate to be harsh but did you really make any effort to meet people. No-one talked to you but then did you make the effort to talk to anybody.

You can't stand there thinking that people will come up to you; have they any reason to do so?

Quoted for truth.

Stop fucking whining...sack up and make the first move.

It is no wonder so many of you are 'virgins'.

 

[JPGhost]

that's teh weirdest parade I ever read..

I always see guys in thongs in my local parade